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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I a slave to my penis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have sinned in a previous lifetime, committing chastity and } virginity and self-denial, and not allowing lovers to come together when } they willed.  Your current body has been inflicted upon you by the Laws } of Karma.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whenever I eat pastry I am compelled to hit myself on the head with a > blowtorch (off, thank God).  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, a truely worthy question.  There are serveral solutions to your } problems. } } The first that comes to mind is the following:  Find an attractive } member of the opposite sex.  Explain your problem to them, then ask them } to tie you up.  I suggest you use the notorious "spread eagle" position. }   You can then be fed pastries without fear of hurting yourself. } } The second method is more dangerous & may elicit scorn from your peers. } I suggest you turn ON the blowtorch.  I think you will find that after } hitting yourself several time with a lit torch, you will cease this } senseless behaviour.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is this wondrous wpi, and wpy are they writing so much to the } oracle? > are they reclusive paranoids? > Are they Kafkaesque racists? > Are they Satanism-hating reactionaries? > Are they hateful goofs? > Are they slimey dentists? > Are they palindromic drug addicts? > Are they scabrous maniacs? > Are they religious pigeons? > Are they fundamentally squalid wet noodles? > Ore are they just malignant bigots?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} wpi is actually the well-known-secret Word-Pushing Institute, } founded in 1928 by Frank Word and Robert G. Pushing.  Under } the highly successful cover of a technical-university type } institution, they are actually training the future dem--oops, } I mean public thinkers and leaders of this nation.  Except for } a few bigots (and bigots will slip in anywhere), most of them } are simply playing devil's advocate.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any anagrams of "Usenet Oracle" more interesting than > "Tea Enclosure" ?    Where can I buy a good tea enclosure these days? > You oughta know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to this question can only be found in that ancient Norwegian } book of Oracles; "Trond Torsk og Andre Historier for Snille Barn", and } thus very difficult to translate.  The original text read as follows : } "Te-avlukker selges ikke lengre i loes vekt, men maa bestilles spesielt } fra fabrikanten.  Dette har sin aarsak i at den store interessen for } denne type produkter ( Te-avlukker er antakelig det mest interessante } fenomen i den vestligverden i dag ) har foert til et markert underskudd } paa produsent-siden.  " } } The only certain element that can be obtained from this excerpt, is that } *nothing* is as interesting as Tea-enclosures.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to meet women.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, my son (or daughter) have been very blessed.  It is a little known } fact that there are very few female Oracles available in this world or } the next who can relate to the position of the human female on the } planet earth.  I Sheoracle say to you:  I know the answer!  Go up to } females on the street and say "Hey, Baby, I like your style." Keep doing } this until you get a positive response.  1,000 slaps in the face will } eventually get you one night in the sack. } } Sheoracle requires a written journal of the 999 slaps and a complete } description of the one night in the sack.  Go with Sheoracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens to the rest of an uncompleted sen

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} g that happens to a sentence that starts in the middle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have the impression that "We have met the Oracle and he is us."  Is > this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle isn't me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if I CAN'T answer the question you ask me to???  If I don't know > the answer I'll take a guess, but I wonder if I will be "penalized" in > any way.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle is wise and great, and knows all things.  You will not be } given a question that you are unable to answer.  You will take a guess, } and the intellect of the oracle will suffuse and enlighten your spirit, } and the guess will be perfect and ultimately correct.  Except the } speling. } } You owe the oracle three questions and seven answers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I just insult the president of ibm to his face?  or is "you, sir, > are a weenie and a dweeb, and I spray sauerkraut juice on your expensive > Dior jacket" a polite comment in high executive circles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually that Is a polite comment in high executive circles.  Had you } said "you, sir, are a dick and a geek, and I drip mustard puss on your } cheap K-mart polyester sport coat", that would have been an incredible } insult. } } Don't worry about it. } } You owe the Oracle one foot long hotdog.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where in the world is Carmen Santiago?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Carmen Santiago (who is actually your half-sister) is lying sprawled in } a pile of spilled champaign (why does that stuff pile up that way?), on } a bearskin rug, in front of a blazing fire, on a flying saucer, looking } up with terrified eyes and a running nose at an alien who is an exact } clone of Elvis who is about to plunge a long, sharp, vaguely phallic } knife into his left hand (by accident.)