[IO]
Internet Oracle
23 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:36:32 GMT

Internet Oracularities #22

Goto:
22, 22-01, 22-02, 22-03, 22-04, 22-05, 22-06, 22-07, 22-08, 22-09, 22-10


Usenet Oracularities #22
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 18 Oct 89 21:58:28 GMT

@@@ ======================================================================
@@@                           CALL FOR VOLUNTEERS
@@@ ... for the Oracularities Selection Committee.  I need the opinion of
@@@ readers of these Oracularities postings to compile a selection of only
@@@ the very best Oracularities to submit to rec.humor.funny.  I feel I'm
@@@ personally too jaded from compiling the rec.humor postings to do the
@@@ selection myself.  To help out, mail kinzler@cs.indiana.edu with:
@@@     - how many Oracularities you think should be in the
@@@       rec.humor.funny submission
@@@     - your favorite Oracularities from these rec.humor postings and
@@@       the announcements of the Usenet Oracle (sorted in order of
@@@       preference, if possible)
@@@ To be unbiased, you should not include Oracularities that you yourself
@@@ wrote the answer or question to.  Your participation will be credited
@@@ in the rec.humor.funny submission.  I can provide previous postings if
@@@ you need them.  Thanks!
@@@ ======================================================================

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


22-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I a slave to my penis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have sinned in a previous lifetime, committing chastity and
} virginity and self-denial, and not allowing lovers to come together when
} they willed.  Your current body has been inflicted upon you by the Laws
} of Karma.


22-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whenever I eat pastry I am compelled to hit myself on the head with a
> blowtorch (off, thank God).  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, a truely worthy question.  There are serveral solutions to your
} problems.
}
} The first that comes to mind is the following:  Find an attractive
} member of the opposite sex.  Explain your problem to them, then ask them
} to tie you up.  I suggest you use the notorious "spread eagle" position.
}   You can then be fed pastries without fear of hurting yourself.
}
} The second method is more dangerous & may elicit scorn from your peers.
} I suggest you turn ON the blowtorch.  I think you will find that after
} hitting yourself several time with a lit torch, you will cease this
} senseless behaviour.


22-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is this wondrous wpi, and wpy are they writing so much to the
} oracle?
> are they reclusive paranoids?
> Are they Kafkaesque racists?
> Are they Satanism-hating reactionaries?
> Are they hateful goofs?
> Are they slimey dentists?
> Are they palindromic drug addicts?
> Are they scabrous maniacs?
> Are they religious pigeons?
> Are they fundamentally squalid wet noodles?
> Ore are they just malignant bigots?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} wpi is actually the well-known-secret Word-Pushing Institute,
} founded in 1928 by Frank Word and Robert G. Pushing.  Under
} the highly successful cover of a technical-university type
} institution, they are actually training the future dem--oops,
} I mean public thinkers and leaders of this nation.  Except for
} a few bigots (and bigots will slip in anywhere), most of them
} are simply playing devil's advocate.


22-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any anagrams of "Usenet Oracle" more interesting than
> "Tea Enclosure" ?    Where can I buy a good tea enclosure these days?
> You oughta know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to this question can only be found in that ancient Norwegian
} book of Oracles; "Trond Torsk og Andre Historier for Snille Barn", and
} thus very difficult to translate.  The original text read as follows :
} "Te-avlukker selges ikke lengre i loes vekt, men maa bestilles spesielt
} fra fabrikanten.  Dette har sin aarsak i at den store interessen for
} denne type produkter ( Te-avlukker er antakelig det mest interessante
} fenomen i den vestligverden i dag ) har foert til et markert underskudd
} paa produsent-siden.  "
}
} The only certain element that can be obtained from this excerpt, is that
} *nothing* is as interesting as Tea-enclosures.


22-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to meet women.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, my son (or daughter) have been very blessed.  It is a little known
} fact that there are very few female Oracles available in this world or
} the next who can relate to the position of the human female on the
} planet earth.  I Sheoracle say to you:  I know the answer!  Go up to
} females on the street and say "Hey, Baby, I like your style." Keep doing
} this until you get a positive response.  1,000 slaps in the face will
} eventually get you one night in the sack.
}
} Sheoracle requires a written journal of the 999 slaps and a complete
} description of the one night in the sack.  Go with Sheoracle.


22-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens to the rest of an uncompleted sen

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} g that happens to a sentence that starts in the middle.


22-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have the impression that "We have met the Oracle and he is us."  Is
> this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle isn't me.


22-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if I CAN'T answer the question you ask me to???  If I don't know
> the answer I'll take a guess, but I wonder if I will be "penalized" in
> any way.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle is wise and great, and knows all things.  You will not be
} given a question that you are unable to answer.  You will take a guess,
} and the intellect of the oracle will suffuse and enlighten your spirit,
} and the guess will be perfect and ultimately correct.  Except the
} speling.
}
} You owe the oracle three questions and seven answers.


22-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I just insult the president of ibm to his face?  or is "you, sir,
> are a weenie and a dweeb, and I spray sauerkraut juice on your expensive
> Dior jacket" a polite comment in high executive circles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually that Is a polite comment in high executive circles.  Had you
} said "you, sir, are a dick and a geek, and I drip mustard puss on your
} cheap K-mart polyester sport coat", that would have been an incredible
} insult.
}
} Don't worry about it.
}
} You owe the Oracle one foot long hotdog.


22-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where in the world is Carmen Santiago?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Carmen Santiago (who is actually your half-sister) is lying sprawled in
} a pile of spilled champaign (why does that stuff pile up that way?), on
} a bearskin rug, in front of a blazing fire, on a flying saucer, looking
} up with terrified eyes and a running nose at an alien who is an exact
} clone of Elvis who is about to plunge a long, sharp, vaguely phallic
} knife into his left hand (by accident.)


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org