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Internet Oracularities #220

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Usenet Oracularities #220    (25 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 7 Nov 90 07:53:28 -0500

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220   25 votes 47653 16675 35863 36754 38662 67633 38662 078a0 45952 67633
220   2.9 mean  2.8   3.4   3.0   3.0   2.8   2.6   2.8   3.1   2.8   2.6


220-01    (47653 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most mighty and powerful, magnificous and most excellent, oracle!
>
> I would humbly prostrate myself before thy enlightened holiness, but
> somewhere I heard prostration was hazardous to typing, and that you hate
> typos, so I have assumed that you would excuse me.
>
> My question:
>       Oh, allseeing oracle, you must know that I have always wanted to
>       be a hermit, to live in the woods far away from the tedious
>       and often ridiculous strugglings of my fellow human beings, to
>       live in a cave and commune with the stars and the grass and
>       the trees and all that nature stuff.
>
>       But nowhere can I discover references on how to become one.
>       Oh, please, please, please tell me what I should do to be a
>       hermit.
>               (like, do I need a permit for it in certain places,
>                how do I find a cave, what to eat, how to dress, etc.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Verily do I hate typos.  If it wasn't for the fact that I know what
} people are typing anyway, such errors would interfere with my
} effectiveness.  Since this question contains no visible typos, I will
} gladly provide you with all the information you need to set yourself up
} as a hermit.
}
} The first thing you must do is find a cave.  The best caves are to be
} found in Tibet, but few potential hermits can afford the airfare.  Thus
} a low-cost cave must be located.  Do not look in cities or on freeways
} as good caves are shy and keep away from people, which also suits the
} hermits who live in them.  Seek a forest or an unoccupied piece of
} coastline and search for a cave there.  Note that bears, politicians and
} other such dangerous animals do not appreciate intrusions so keep away
} from their caves.
}
} Once you have a cave of your own, you must keep the community happy.
} The stars, grass, trees and everything else worth communing with should
} NOT be insulted.  Do not say "Hey grass, you aren't good enough for
} rabbits to piss on" or "You call yourself a tree???".  Of course, you
} need a food source.  Do not expect to be able to commune with this, as
} it will avoid "talking" to you.  A commonly hidden fact of hermits is
} that they speciallise in not-communing-with-grass, not-communing-with-
} berries, not-communing-with-tasty-little-bugs, and other similar
} aspects.
}
} You will need a plethora of permits.  Vital ones include regional cave
} permits, job permits (what we call hermit-permits) and not-talking-to-
} people permits.  These can be found in any administration cave,
} detectable by the "buy a plethora of permits here" signs out front.
}
} Dress casually, as changing costume detracts from the concentration, so
} choose something you are prepared to wear for at least ten years.  Many
} failed hermits make the classic mistake of changing clothes twice per
} day, and discover that in the limited life span available they spend 25%
} changing clothes, 30% sleeping, 15% eating and defecating, 20% wondering
} what they are doing and 9% actually discovering what they are doing.
} This leaves a mere 1% of available time to ponder life's secrets, during
} which they do not sufficiently learn even the basic principles of life.
}
} Hermit Unions exist throughout the world and can be an invaluable source
} of ideas.  As hermits consider themselves superior to standard humans,
} they deem it wise to gather and share their discoveries with one
} another.  Note that they also take a dim view of non-registered hermits,
} considering them selfish.  Not joining a union can lead to picket lines
} being set up outside your cave, totally ruining your concentration.
}
} Lastly, work on improving your memory.  If you write things down you
} will expose the secrets of the universe to every passer-by.  This would
} lead to hermits becoming redundant and you would be out of a job.  Keep
} all of your secrets mentally filed.  Courses in memory management are
} available at all good administration caves, so select your cave and then
} immediately seek out the local admin cave.
}
} These pointers are all that is needed to start a career as a hermit.
} Dedicate yourself to your cause, and enjoy deciphering the mysteries.
} Good luck.
}
} You owe the Oracle a thorough summary of the mysteries of the universe
} in which every third word begins with the letter 'S'.


220-02    (16675 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Today in my English class this gorgeous woman tried to pick me up.  The
> problem is, she grabbed my by my private parts to do so.  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is much too gracious to carp on the spelling error that
} occurred in your question, or to note the irony of the conjunction of
} this error with your mention of an English class.  Besides, the Oracle
} sometimes likes to seed his omnipresent answers with the occasional
} misspelling of his own, just to see if the reader is awake.
}
} The gorgeous woman was in fact a succubus, sent to you by this selfsame
} Oracle, to test you.  "Wait," you may ask in mock astonishment, "I
} thought succubi only visited men in their sleep?" Don't try to kid a
} kidder, young man.  I caught a clear glimpse of you nodding off during
} the lecture, the fourth in a series on Keats's use of gerunds to bring
} into bold focus Man's inhumanity to Man.  It's understandable you should
} have trouble staying awake; just don't fib to the Oracle.
}
} Anyway, I am sorry to say you miserably failed the test posed to you by
} Susie the Succubus.  You apparently assumed the test was of your purity,
} or some such nonsense like that.  No, it was a test of your
} intelligence, and anyone who has to ask "Why?" when a beautiful succubus
} grabs him by his nay-nay has more troubles than this Oracle can help
} with in a single missive.  I suggest remedial readings in the Masters &
} Johnson library.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hernia truss.


220-03    (35863 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Great One!
>
> What exciting things can I do with 'cron'?  It seems that they left
> crontab world-writable on my machine!
>                                                       --Joe User
>                                                         OCF
>                                                         UC Berkeley

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Joe,
}
} Being at Berkeley, you are already in a strange situation.  Berkeley was
} lost in a time-flux, and dissappeared several years ago.  Therefore, you
} may actaully be writing from the past but be in the future.  By altering
} 'cron' you can alert the world of this situation.  If done correctly,
} all will know that you are coming back, and can make the necessary
} preperations.
}
} Good luck.
}
} However, if you sent this question before the flux hit, you are, as they
} say in philosophical corners, "screwed."
}
} Sorry.
}
} The Oracle requires, as payment, one college protest.


220-04    (36754 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What can I do if I have nothing to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can:
}
} 1. Write a stupid question to the Oracle.
} 2. Add specimens to your booger collection.
} 3. Vote for Bill and Opus.
} 4. Sit on an electric stove and burn a bullseye on your ass.
} 5. Play catch with dynamite.
} 6. Watch reruns of The Gong Show.
} 7. Act out reruns of The Gong Show.
} 8. Make out your Christmas list.
} 9. Take away a Doberman's chew toy.
} 10. Become a Doberman's new chew toy. (follows from #9)
} 11. Go find Elvis.
} 12. Bite the hand that feeds you.
} 13. Tug on Superman's cape.
} 14. Spit into the wind.
} 15. Stick a fork in your toaster.
} 16. Play Barry Manilow songs backwards.
}
} The Oracle thinks you get the picture.


220-05    (38662 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why has my mind drawn a blank?
>
> Also, why did it take me four attempts to type the above line correctly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The all-seeing, all-knowing, all-party-animalistic Oracle detects the
} presence of one who is mightily stumped.  This naturally leads to the
} question of why this came to pass.
}
}    I would say that you are a regular Oracle disciple, nay, even a
} frequent disciple.  The prayer of devotion to the Oracle that you have
} deemed a necessary part of your daily life has this time left you with
} no real question to ask.  Therefore, the Deity that I am can conclude
} that you have reached Enlightenment because I, the Great Wise Oracle,
} have already answered all your questions.  You may now go to the Mystic
} East, find a hill, and meditate on the Truth and Beauty of the Oracle
} for the rest of your life, and say the sacred word "Mxyzptlk" as a
} mantra against tooth decay.
}
}    The four attempts that you took to ask your sacred Question of
} Enlightenment can be viewed as your personal spiritual manifestation of
} the four Elements of Earth, Air, Fire and Water.  As you live your life
} as an Oracle Guru in the hills of Tibet, remember to respect the Oracle
} by interacting with the four elements by breathing Fire, bathing in
} Earth, growing your food in the Air and cooking your food with Water.
}
}    You owe the Oracle continued peace and serenity.  Please continue
} your daily prayer of devotion, too.  Remember always to face the East
} when you do so.  This is not necessary, but it is needed (a) to impress
} the non-disciples who you will occasionally meet on your mystic Tibetan
} mound, and (b) to ensure that the sun keeps rising each day.  We have
} enough problem with darkness as it is without wanting any more of it.


220-06    (67633 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the average weight of elephant testicles on Sunday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask...We just had some last weekend (yes, the ORACLE
} does EAT) I remember getting the spit out that sunday morning, along
} with the elephant gun and large nasty knife.  The spit was no small
} bastard either, why just one month ago we had neigh on 100 amigas on
} there roasting nicely, all under the watchful eye of the Intentional
} Burning Monitor...now where was I....hmmm..  elephant balls!  Yep, that
} elephant was a small one (only 3 ton), took nearly a dozen shots to do
} him in, and most of monday to fill in the crater caused when he fell
} over...
}
} Anyways, as soon as he was over, the DP, wielding the nast knife in one
} hand and the spit skewer in the other (this was no ordinary DP) expertly
} severed the scrotum just near the belly, avoided a well aimed kick at
} his scrotum (i guess that elephant wasnt quite dead yet), and drove the
} skewer straight thru the center of the left testicle.  We all helped
} pull the skewer horizontal again, and drag it back to the barbeque.
} Problem was that as soon as we lifted the damn ball, the skewer snapped,
} right in the middle of the knacker!
}
} Of course, I, the oracle, dying of hunger, had the solution:  Use the
} elephants member to support it over the hot coals.  SO the air
} compressorwas brought out on the double....
}
} Anyway, as you can see from last sunday's proceedings of the IEEE
} (International Elephant Eaters Extravaganza), Elephant balls are
} EXTREMELY heavy on sundays especially around lunchtime when everybody
} wants to eat them...I calculated somewhere in the vicinity of 1/2 ton
} each....


220-07    (38662 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Concave One, please tell me:
>
>       How does a computer work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A computer is a complicated piece of machinery.  At the heart of the
} computer is a small wheel, in which a small rodent runs.  Alan Turing
} was the man who first conceived of this basic concept, which is now
} demonstrated in pet stores throughout the world.  I suppose it would be
} fair to say that pet stores actually sell computers, but IBM wouldn't
} like that.  You should have figured out the workings of a computer if
} yours ever broke.  When the computer guy comes to fix it, sneak a look
} inside his briefcase.  It will be lined with cedar chips.
}       Since small rodents, aren't very smart, there is need of something
} called a "co-processor", which consists of five of the buggers, in
} parallel.  They can usually figure out simple math problems, at least
} until one of them croaks.  If your computer starts goofing up math, you
} may have blown a rodent.
}
}       Now you now how a computer works.  Go impress your friends with
} your newfound knowledge.
}
} You owe the Oracle a little wheel to run around in.


220-08    (078a0 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mondays are really boring.  Am I the only one who feels so?  If not, can
> we just get rid of mondays?
>
> Upset Fred, the Rediculous Rhino a.k.a.  UFiRR the Great!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only a non-omnipotent, non-omniscient being such as yourself would find
} Mondays boring.  Following are the top ten good things about Mondays.
}
} 10. Monday is really easy to spell, not like Teusday or Wensday.
}  9. You can tell everyone you see on Monday, about what a great weekend
}     you had.
}  8. You can call in sick on Monday, to recover from the great weekend
}     you had.
}  7. If it wasn't for Monday, Tuesdays would be the first weekday and be
}     the really boring one.
}  6. The solar system hardly ever blows up on a Monday.
}  5. Without Mondays, the rhyme would go "26 days hath September
}     (usually)".
}  4. The Mamas and the Papas would have had one less hit record.
}  3. Monday is named for the moon, which used to be a really cool planet.
}  2. What would you do without Monday Night Football?
}  1. Since today is Monday, you would not have sent me your question. You
}     would just be sitting in a trackless void.
}
} As to your other questions: no, you are not the only one who feels that
} way. In fact, among non-omnipotent, non-omniscient beings, the only
} one who does not in fact share your opinion is Irving J. Monday of
} Fort Lee, New Jersey.
}
} Could we just get rid of Mondays?  Sure.  Just alter the universal
} gravitational constant by about 2% higher, and there you are.  Be
} careful not to raise it much more than that, because the effect is
} nonlinear, and you could end up with negative-e-to-the-pi days in a
} week.  As with many tasks, this really is one best left to the
} professionals.  Kidz, don't try this at home!
}
} You owe the Oracle a wall calendar from a car repair shop.


220-09    (45952 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Walking home today I ran into a gnome.  Literally.  Why did it vanish in
> a puff of greasy smoke when it died?  I didn't mean to kill the poor
> soul.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give me a gnome,
} With a face full of chrome
} Who disappears in a puff of pink haze
} I did not expect
} When his face hit the deck
} That this would be the end of his days
}
} (Yes, yes I know you weren't driving a car.  But exactly
} what sort of wit did you expect at this time of the
} morning?)
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of skid marks and a breath test.


220-10    (67633 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is the yakur phlenstien hereditary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me tell you something in confidence, friend.  Most people think the
} Usenet Oracle is some Omniscient Being, and just *knows* the answer to
} all these bizarre questions.  The truth is, I'm just this one person in
} a dingy little office in a subbasement in Washington, with a total staff
} of four dwarves who do all my research for me.  Now it's true that after
} a long time of answering weird questions, I do know a lot of stuff, and
} more important, I've learned how to make snide remarks, so that it
} sounds like I know what I'm talking about and have just decided to be
} sparklingly witty instead of straightforward, when the truth is that
} half the time I'm as clueless as the next person.
} Still, once in a while a question like yours comes along, and my first
} reaction is:'I bet this yakur phlenstien is some poor schmuck this guy
} is making fun of.' But then I think maybe not.  Maybe this guy has asked
} a really funny, witty question.  So I send all four of my dwarves on
} research duty, and they scoure the city libraries top to bottom trying
} to find out what a yakur phlenstien is, and it turns out to be some poor
} shmuck you're making fun of.
} Now you may ask, 'Why is the Oracle telling me all this?' The answer is
} that first, I want you to know I can take a joke just like anybody.  Ha
} Ha.  Second, all your files are about to be erased, and your terminal is
} about to explode quite violently, so I'd brace myself (under a distant
} table.)


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