220-01 (47653 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <email@example.com>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> Oh, most mighty and powerful, magnificous and most excellent, oracle!
> I would humbly prostrate myself before thy enlightened holiness, but
> somewhere I heard prostration was hazardous to typing, and that you hate
> typos, so I have assumed that you would excuse me.
> My question:
> Oh, allseeing oracle, you must know that I have always wanted to
> be a hermit, to live in the woods far away from the tedious
> and often ridiculous strugglings of my fellow human beings, to
> live in a cave and commune with the stars and the grass and
> the trees and all that nature stuff.
> But nowhere can I discover references on how to become one.
> Oh, please, please, please tell me what I should do to be a
> (like, do I need a permit for it in certain places,
> how do I find a cave, what to eat, how to dress, etc.)
} Verily do I hate typos. If it wasn't for the fact that I know what
} people are typing anyway, such errors would interfere with my
} effectiveness. Since this question contains no visible typos, I will
} gladly provide you with all the information you need to set yourself up
} as a hermit.
} The first thing you must do is find a cave. The best caves are to be
} found in Tibet, but few potential hermits can afford the airfare. Thus
} a low-cost cave must be located. Do not look in cities or on freeways
} as good caves are shy and keep away from people, which also suits the
} hermits who live in them. Seek a forest or an unoccupied piece of
} coastline and search for a cave there. Note that bears, politicians and
} other such dangerous animals do not appreciate intrusions so keep away
} from their caves.
} Once you have a cave of your own, you must keep the community happy.
} The stars, grass, trees and everything else worth communing with should
} NOT be insulted. Do not say "Hey grass, you aren't good enough for
} rabbits to piss on" or "You call yourself a tree???". Of course, you
} need a food source. Do not expect to be able to commune with this, as
} it will avoid "talking" to you. A commonly hidden fact of hermits is
} that they speciallise in not-communing-with-grass, not-communing-with-
} berries, not-communing-with-tasty-little-bugs, and other similar
} You will need a plethora of permits. Vital ones include regional cave
} permits, job permits (what we call hermit-permits) and not-talking-to-
} people permits. These can be found in any administration cave,
} detectable by the "buy a plethora of permits here" signs out front.
} Dress casually, as changing costume detracts from the concentration, so
} choose something you are prepared to wear for at least ten years. Many
} failed hermits make the classic mistake of changing clothes twice per
} day, and discover that in the limited life span available they spend 25%
} changing clothes, 30% sleeping, 15% eating and defecating, 20% wondering
} what they are doing and 9% actually discovering what they are doing.
} This leaves a mere 1% of available time to ponder life's secrets, during
} which they do not sufficiently learn even the basic principles of life.
} Hermit Unions exist throughout the world and can be an invaluable source
} of ideas. As hermits consider themselves superior to standard humans,
} they deem it wise to gather and share their discoveries with one
} another. Note that they also take a dim view of non-registered hermits,
} considering them selfish. Not joining a union can lead to picket lines
} being set up outside your cave, totally ruining your concentration.
} Lastly, work on improving your memory. If you write things down you
} will expose the secrets of the universe to every passer-by. This would
} lead to hermits becoming redundant and you would be out of a job. Keep
} all of your secrets mentally filed. Courses in memory management are
} available at all good administration caves, so select your cave and then
} immediately seek out the local admin cave.
} These pointers are all that is needed to start a career as a hermit.
} Dedicate yourself to your cause, and enjoy deciphering the mysteries.
} Good luck.
} You owe the Oracle a thorough summary of the mysteries of the universe
} in which every third word begins with the letter 'S'.