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Internet Oracularities #221

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221, 221-01, 221-02, 221-03, 221-04, 221-05, 221-06, 221-07, 221-08, 221-09, 221-10


Usenet Oracularities #221    (21 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 8 Nov 90 08:32:35 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

221   21 votes 26472 36552 04a61 43833 43653 13c32 16743 54750 11775 16347
221   3.1 mean  3.0   2.9   3.2   2.9   3.0   3.1   3.1   2.6   3.7   3.5


221-01    (26472 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why am i mad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O seeker of knowledge or at least of a decent pizza,
}
}        This would all depend on what you mean by mad.  Por ejemplo, are
} you angry mad, are you mad about someone, are you insane mad, or are you
} Mad Magazine?
}        Given this limited information, it will be hard to answer your
} query.  I shall have to bring most of powers to bear on this one.
}
} 1. You are mad because your roommate inserted his/her pet goldfish in
}  the very slot that your VGA card is supposed to go.  You are doubly mad
}  because instead of taking the time out to replace the card with the
}  fish, your roommate merely impaled the fish with the card.
}
} 2. You are simply mad about your roommate because there is no way to
}  resist a person who impales goldfish on roommates' VGA cards.  There is
}  something irresistable about the way he/she inflicts pain, something
}  that intrigues you.
}
} 3. You are insane mad because you have been under the influence of your
}  roommate for too long.  Your roommate's habit of impaling goldfish on
}  VGA cards,even while they are in the computer, has entirely warped your
}  sensibilities and your perception of reality.
}
} 4. You are Mad Magazine because of the quantum interconnectedness of
}    allthings.  Similarly, I am Mad Magazine, your roommate is Mad
}    Magazine, and the goldfish your roommate impaled on your VGA card is
}    Mad Magazine.
}
} You owe the oracle a framed and autographed photo of Alfred E. Neuman.


221-02    (36552 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most Recursive One, I must know...
>
>       What is the fundamental fabric of the Universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Actually, there isn't just One Fundamental Fabric that the
} universe is composed of.  However, due to certain universal codes
} pertaining to textiles (as seen in the Book of Leviticus, where the
} Creator prohibits the mixing of different kinds of cloth), a homogeneous
} cloth had to be synthesized by His servants (which, coincidentally,
} closely resemble ferrets).  Unfortunately, many of the lower forms of
} life in the universe mistook this cloth for food, and packaged it for
} mass distribution.
}       So, next time you bite down into a Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll,
} contemplate how you are dwarfed by its significance in the Big Picture.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gallon of creme filling.


221-03    (04a61 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the lower left and upper right arms of the X on my screen
> not align?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to be taking this rather calmly. Have you not noticed the
} blurring of your vision? The recurrent headaches? The fact that
} your left arm has mutated into a crab claw, and your toenails
} are sprouting hair?
}
} Read through the following instructions completely, for your safety's
} sake:
}
} 1) Turn off your computer and monitor.
} 2) Twis...<bzzzt> [No, you imbecile, finish reading before you turn it
}    off!]
}
} You owe the Oracle a crab leg dinner.


221-04    (43833 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you do when some clinically insane netter insists on ignoring
> your witty and perceptive responses to his incoherent ravings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


221-05    (43653 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why keep this mailing-program cutti

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How strange. My mailing-program rather
} begin
}   integer BiscuitBarrel=200;
} inserts lots of mail katzenjammer@old.crummy.vax old rubbish
} alt.several.butchers.aprons into my egrep -rf snotface.yec
} mail messages, or even replaces part of the squirrels.
} and therefore we see that y=sin(t-1) Any file might be inter-mixed,
} which ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^[[A
}
}
}                         #########################&31z$
}
}
}
}
}
} can cause quite
}
} KSDJHFTRGSD"#LKTJFGH#$%&SDL|#$IYT}PQ|4E5632z31z1z29z'}28z30z31zIRGHV
} -SFDOASERY{PUIH
} 22z22z
}    Recieved: from iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Tue Nov  6 12:1
} 0:5    some problems.
}
} You owe the Oracle a busty JYUR$KIUO(/I&/27z&#


221-06    (13c32 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr.  Oracle, sir, I was hoping that maybe possibly you might consider
> helping me.  You see, I have always wanted to write you and ask a
> question.  But every time I sit down at my computer to type, I get as
> far as "mail oracle@iuv" and my hands begin to tremble and I start to
> gasp for air.  How can I get over this fear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Firstly, you did the right thing by asking the Oracle for advice.  Many
} are awed by the omniscient Oracle, and rightfully so.  This is what many
} of his first time questioners try to break the nervousness.
}
} 1.  Write out your question by hand.  Then have an image scanner get a
} picture of the question in computer memory, then a converter to change
} the characters into an ASCII file.  This saves much time and anxiety
} from trying to use your local Mail program.
}
} 2.  Keep a non-threatening mail alias handy, so that you don't have to
} type the oracle@iuv....  nonsense.  Choose an alias like "fluffybunny"
} or "pinkroom" or "cottonunderwear" or some other such soothing word as
} your alias.  It will take some of the pressure off.
}
} 3.  Keep an oxygen tent handy.  If your keyboard is mobile, you can even
} type from there.  This will help your breathing.
}
} 4.  Take a muscle-relaxant right before attempting to pose questions to
} the Oracle.  The Oracle suggests 32 ounces of premium lager before each
} question.
}
} 5.  If all else fails, have someone else type questions for you.  Of
} course, they must be someone you can trust, and even then, it'll
} probably cost you.
}
} If you are still having problems after following these steps..  well I
} guess you're hosed.
}
} The Oracle says, "Moderation in everything, including moderation."
}
} You now owe the Oracle a question.


221-07    (16743 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Two questions:
>       1: What is the worst disease you have encountered?
>       2: How did I contract it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well now, there are so many horrible, delightfully gruesome diseases I
} could tell you about, but from the second part of your question I see
} you have a particular one in mind.
}
} Rather sneaky of you, actually, to have the Oracle diagnose your
} condition instead of going to a hospital, since if there's any
} profession that has more outrageous fees than the Oracle, it's the
} medical profession.
}
} What you have is the tertiary phase of oraculococcus infection.  This
} bacteria causes a glazing of the eyes, and addictive use of electronic
} mail.  It causes rapid physical and mental deterioration in its victims,
} who soon find that they cannot leave their terminals, but feel compelled
} to continuously send and receive inane messages in a feverish attempt to
} have one of their entries appear on the Oracularities.  The condition is
} irreversible, and almost invariably fatal.  It is highly contagious, and
} usually contracted through the eyeballs via Usenet connected terminals.
}
} You owe the Oracle your estate - please contact your lawyer and change
} your will quickly, as you don't have a lot of time.


221-08    (54750 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the Oakland Athletics lose the World Series?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clearly there are several reasons that the A's lost the world series.
} The first and most obvious is that the World series is currently
} undergoing an alphabetical pattern of winners.  The A's were first.  the
} braves were skipped because according to an secret memo from then
} Comissioner Bart Giamatti..."....the Braves shall never be allowed to
} finsh higher than second to last in the divisional races as long as
} major league baseball exists lest Ted Turner think he is a stud once
} again and start making those silly comercials about sailing and
} cigarrettes again...." Now we are at Cincinati.  Unfortunately this
} means that the A's will never win another series until they (1) change
} their name (2) start putting an "O" for Oakland on their hats.  Another
} theory as to why the A's didn't win the series is simple aerodynamics.
} When one examins the A's best players one can see the following..  Jose
} Canseco, Denis Ekersley, and the manager Tony Larussa...all of these
} players (managers) had huge tufts of hair growing from their heads.
} This is aerodynamically unsound thus slowing down the team just enough
} for the reds to win


221-09    (11775 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, on the net,
> How may I quickly get out of debt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, can that guy dance!
} (Whoops. Caught me reviewing my stash of Fred Astaire movies)
}
} Now, let's see, what was that question?
}
} Oh, Yeah, the reduction of financial responsibility.  Fortunately
} the Oracle doesn't have that concern. (It's GOOD to be the
} Oracle!)
}
} While there are numerous ways of doing this, the most
} satisfactory and risk free is as follows.
}
}  1. Declare yourself to be an independent nation (The fun part hee
}   is that you get to name it)
}
}  2. Adopt a political system contrary to the current Western
}   Nations.  While Tyranny is always a good choice, the limited
}   population (1) of your nation makes this somewhat ridiculous. You
}   might consider the advantages that anarchy offers (no troublesome
}   rules, and it is *still* the only form of government that works
}   the way it is designed to).
}
}  3. Declare war on the United States.
}
}  4. (and this is very important.  Failure to follow this rule can
}   be embarassing for all parties involved).  Lose.
}
} Naturally, as in every case where the US has won the war, you
} will immediately receive a massive foreign aid grant, interest
} free loans, food shipments, an invitation to vist the White
} House, an invitation to appear on the talk show circuit and
} offers of marriage from numerous Hollywood starlets.
}
}  5. Now the tricky part. Declare that all foreign debts are no
}   longer valid as you are under the direct control of the United
}   States Government, which is thus responsible.  You are now free
}   of debt.
}
}  6. (No, you aren't finished). Move large portions of the grant
}   and loan monies into potable currency. Declare yourself persona
}   non grata and go into exile in some country without a extradition
}   policy.
}
} Thus everyone is happy.  You've cleared up your debt, and
} arranged it so that you should be financially secure for some
} time.  The United States is happy, as they have cleaned up yet
} another "Evil Empire".  The president is happy; the people are
} happy.  Everything is right in the world.
}
} You owe the Oracle one well funded Swiss bank account, and two
} econimists who agree with each other.


221-10    (16347 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle, what's the equation of a social circle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Social circle, eh?  Well, lessee here...  you take the square root of
} 42...  add it to the reciprocal of...  [scribble scribble] maybe it's
} the third root of c minus the LaPlace expansion of...  [scribble
} scribble] BAH!  Why don't we visit a social circle (among other
} polygons) and see what she says...
} [sound of footsteps down hallway]
} [knock! knock! knock!]
}
} [blaring music in background]
} Terry Triangle: "Oh HI!  Didn't expect to see you here, Mr Oracle!"
}
} Well Terry, I'm here to visit Carrie.  You see, a mortal wants to check
} out her equation.
}
} "Oooohhh, serious, huh?"
}
} Maybe.
}
} [sound of more footsteps, broken with random conversation]
}
} Perry Pentagon: "Hey baby, what's your angle?"
}
} Penelope Polygon: "What do you want it to be, baby?"
}
} Uh... we'll keep moving... OH HI Carrie!
}
} Carrie Circle: "Hi Oracle!  What are you doing here?"
}
} Oh, just checking out Terry's party.  Actually, I'm here to ask you a
} question for a mortal.
}
} "Really?  For me?  What is it?"
}
} Uh... er... it's kinda... personal...
}
} "HOW personal?"
}
} Uh... er... this mortal wants to know... your equation. [SLAP!]
}
} "WELL, YOU CAN GIVE THAT TO THE MORTAL FOR ME!  I'VE NEVER BEEN..."
}
} Carrie!  Wait!  The question was for ANY social circle!
}
} "I DON'T CARE!  I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED IN MY LIFE!  MY EQUATION,
} HAH!  IF HE WANTS TO KNOW MY EQUATION, HE'S GONNA HAVE TO..."
}
} Uh, I think this is where I send you back before things turn ugly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen roses and a written apology, before Carrie
} tries to kill both of us.


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