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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O wisest and most virile of Oracles...do those penile implants > used to remedy impotence *really* work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you pointed out, I'm an entity of awesome virility, and I will of } course dig deep into the abundance of experience I've gathered over the } years at wild parties and in the back of limousines, in order to give } you an answer that will satisfy you. } } The implants work, and very well at that, and more on that subject will } follow, but first I would like to discuss how to avoid getting in a } situation where you need them. } } Ok then, so why does a man need an implant? } } Basically there are two reasons : } } * You haven't done your daily 'genital-push-ups', and you consequently }   are out of training. } * Your imagination isn't dirty enough! } } If you're out of training, everything's OK, a little training and you're } fine. } } Otherwise there are two possibilities: } } * You're religious. } * You've never experienced anything dirty to fantasize about. } } If you're religious you don't bother anyway, otherwise there are two } possibilities: } } * You're 10 years old. } * You're shy. } } If you're 10 years old you shouldn't worry, your time will come son, } otherwise I will give you some examples on how to overcome your shyness. } } * I know of people, friends of mine as a matter of fact, who have }   overcome their shyness by exhibitionism! Do *It* in a public place, }   e.g. a restaurant, a public library, your driveway etc. (PLEASE NOTE: }   Policestations are TOO public!) } } * Play any 2-Live-Crew album to your grandma. } } * Get a role-model, e.g. Larry Hagman, Sylvester Stallone, Roseanne }   Barr. These are people who have overcome their shyness, and they now }   enrichen the world with their talent. } } These tips should make the implants redundant, but we will now discuss } different types of implants. } } * String-implants }   The name doesn't, as it implies, mean that you look like a hunk of a }   man in a G-string, it refers to the way the implant operates. } } * Magnetic-implants }   This actually requires an operation on both of you, but it has been }   known to raise the attraction in a relationship. } } * Silicon-implants }   These are fully operational at a 24-hour basis, and I'm afraid that }   you will have to buy the new Jockey 'SteelCrotch'tm line of underwear }   in the future. } } You owe the oracle a vasectomy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ga loves me. what should i do ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have been consulted before about this "ga" | "GA" person.  It seems } that this person has a problem.  Are you the right person to solve this } problem?  I suggest you do one or more of the following: } } - Take him out somewhere, preferably somewhere that serves diesel }   instead of alcohol.  Buy him a drink.  Buy yourself a drink.  Repeat }   whenever your glass or his glass is empty.  This is the Oracle's }   formula for "getting smashed."  Your human metabolism is not really }   designed for such liquids as diesel, concorde fuel, hydrazine, }   gasoline/petrol, kerosene or McDonald's thickshakes.  You will both }   wake up with one hell of a hangover, and you will both be convinced }   that going out with the other is not such a good idea.  It is }   necessary to buy nasty drinks for yourself even if you already know }   this, as substituting mild drinks like mineral water and orange juice }   do not always have the desired effect. } } - Buy two dozen fresh oysters.  Eat twelve, and make him eat twelve. }   Proceed to make wild passionate love to him for the next fifteen }   hours. He could merely be one of the breed of guys known as "horny, }   desperate and a virgin."  This will fix the last part.  If his }   virginity is making him desperate, it will reduce or eliminate the }   second condition as well.  That only leaves the first.  This is easily }   fixed.  Give him herpes. } } - Shave your head. } } - Do something so pointlessly awful to him that it will put him off you }   for life. } } - Get to know him.  Beneath the probably unattractive exterior is likely }   to be a really nice person who just wants to be loved like anyone }   else. Take him out and buy him a drink.  Unlike the first option, it }   must NOT contain any diesel, but may contain alcohol.  Chat him up. }   Find out what he likes to do in his spare time.  (If at this stage he }   says something like "I like to beat up old grannies for their money" }   "I hang around primary schools giving boiled lollies to little girls" }   "I like inventing new sports, and I want to try out my latest }   invention with you: it's tandem bungie jumping abseiling }   rock-climbing" "Belch fart buurp belch belch fart" "I vandalise the }   public transport system" "I like to pick fluff out of my navel and }   squeeze my pimples at the bathroom mirror" "What's spare time?" "I }   plant noxious weeds in national parks" "There's nothing like driving }   over speed humps at two hundred to get the adrenaline flowing" or }   anything similar, stop at this point, and try one of the other }   options.)  Find out more about him. After a while, it will become }   easier to tell what sort of a person he is. He might turn out to have }   a resemblance to a kiwi-fruit: all furry and rough on the outside, }   green on the inside with small black seeds.  No, like a kiwi-fruit in }   that he's nasty on the outside, but nice on the inside.  Or maybe not. }   But how would you know unless you tried? } } - Shave his head. } } - Take him to the local red-light district. } } You can use your imagination; you are not restricted to these choices. } Or you could do nothing.  He might then get attracted to the next } vaguely blond, vaguely beautiful vaguely female person that walks past, } and it would not be your problem any more. } } You owe the Oracle six D-size batteries, a piece of dental floss, six } pieces of wire, some plastic explosive, a digital watch and a shoebox. } } -- Oracle.oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Could someone please tell me what the capital city of Zimbaboue is >    please? >  What is Zimbaboue's main export? >  What is the country's population? >  Where is Zimbaboue? >  What airlines fly there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The oracle, now having been converted to existentialism, refuses } to believe that Zimbaboue exists whatsoever.  Neither do you, as a } matter of fact, but that is beside the point, for who else can the } oracle talk to? }       From here, all questions are simple to answer: }       Zimbaboue's primary export is Statistics, the main reason being } that Statistics reflect no part of reality whatsoever.  On average, } Zimbaboue exports 69877433 tons of Statistics a year, 35% of which are } based on a grain of truth, the rest of which are the product of the } extremely twisted imaginations of the inhabitants of Zimbaboue. }       Of course, this leads one to the conclusion that the population of } Zimbaboue is 12.5% Accountants, 34% Mathematicians, 6% Philosophers, and } 27.98% Bureaucrats.  Exactly 33% realize that Zimbaboue does not exist } whatsoever, + or - 56%. }       Zimbaboue is located nowhere at all. }       Of course, this means that all airlines must fly to Zimbaboue, for } this is the center of all lost luggage.  However, you shall never be } able to book tickets on a flight to Zimbaboue, for Zimbaboue does not } exist. } }       You owe the Oracle 97.8% of the 1990 Almanac.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                             O Mighty Oracle, >                             An answer be my wish. >                             Are all fishermen liars, >                             Or do all liars fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               The answer, O simple mortal, }               I believe, goes as such: }               A fisherman is a liar }               Who goes outdoors too much. } } You owe the Oracle your dragonfly lure...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my toast always fall jam side down!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, you're using Mobius bread. } } The Oracle requests a kleinbottle opener as payment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                     Oracle Accuracy Test >                     -------------------- > > Time: TEN minutes for examination > > Answer: FOUR Questions only >         Question 1 is COMPULSORY > > Questions carry the number of marks indicated. Pentagram graph paper > provided (see attached). Astrology texts, the Prophesies of Nostradamus > and one hand-operated Ouiji board permitted. > > Question 1 > ---------- > How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man? >                                                          (0 marks) > > Question 2 > ---------- > Prove the existence of the Oracle. Give three examples. >                                                          (3 marks) > > Question 3 > ---------- > Why is there no Question 4 ? >                                                          (-3 marks)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE ACCURACY OF THE ORACLE????  Your very SOUL } will BURN IN HELL for EVEN SUGGESTING that my accuracy is subject to } question!!!!!! } } My very VOICE sounds in CHORDS when I SPEAK!  My EXCRETIONS are } WORSHIPED from NEAR AND FAR!  QUESTION ME NOT, O MORTAL WHO IS FULL OF } HIMSELF! } } You owe the Oracle an apology.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise oracle  why is it that capital letters were invented? > Do they ever serve a real purpose, except in the case of telling the > difference between polish and polish?  (The thing you do to shoes vs. > the nationality) > Did people once talk in capital letters, and did they sound different? > > -just wondering.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} well mr. wondering, capital letters were invented so that the almighty, } wise, benevolent, and downright awesome oracle could make dramatic } looking proclamations like: } } IBM'S SUCK } }    or } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE A BOOK OF E.E.  CUMMINGS POETRY

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why the hell does a recruiter REALLY want to know where I "see myself" > five years from now?!  Do I look like a fortune-teller?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your confusion.  Recruiters, like most who work } for major corporations, no longer speak English (if, in fact, they ever } did).  This is made more confusing by the fact that regional dialects } are common, and therefore exact translations difficult. } } The Oracle, in its infinite wisdom and generosity, would like to supply } a quick guide to possible translations: } } "You won't be needing a raise for five years, will you?" } } "You won't mind if you work on the same project for five years, will } you?" } } "You won't leave the company before working for us on the same project, } with no raise, for five years, will you?" } } "You won't want my job before I leave for another company in five } years, will you?" } } Answer carefully.  The Oracle suggests, "In five years, I see my } startup acquiring your pathetic little company for 10 cents on the } dollar, you drone." } } You owe the Oracle twelve thousand stock options.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do alarm clock radios have a 'Timed radio' feature without another > volume control. > > Fx: Going to bed, turn radio on...QUICKLY TURN THE DAMNNED VOLUME >     DOWN...set the timer on......fall assleeeZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.......alarm >     goes off in the morning, _softly_......2 hours later, alarm turns >     off....1 hour later, I get out of bed, look at the alarm >     SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT ::xF > > Does the oracle have a dual volume alarm clock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The esteemed Oracle has <yawn> pondered your <yawn> question but, oh, } damn, where is my coffee?  <yawn> But since you must ask, and the } omniscient Oracle must answer, then answer I shall. } } Verily, verily I say unto you, doest thou lookest a gift horse in the } mouth? } } Did you think for one minute that when you plopped down good money for } that clock radio that you were *paying* for an *alarm clock* itself? } Why no, most of the purchase price is paid out in royalties to Feeney L. } Barbitol, the inventor of the "sleep" feature of said rude awakening } device.  Notice that it does not say "snooze" like the fat little abused } button on top that you pummel unabashedly every morning for that } precious five more minutes of not facing your hangover and/or your } dragon-breath spouse.  No, it does not say "snooze" it clearly says } "sleep", and it is should be obvious to even a lemming-brain such as } yourself.  Even still, it should be abundantly clear that any volume } level which you can sleep through will not wake you up.  However, when } you realize the error of your ways and shout your expletives, this is a } delightful excuse for being late.  "Gee, boss, I must have turned the } clock radio down too low when I used the sleep button last night." } } But seriousness aside, you can set your alarm to "alarm" rather than } "radio" as that damned chirping bastard is totally unaffected by the } volume control. } } Or, you could follow the Oracle's example of using your clock radio only } for the "sleep" feature and totally ignore the alarm.  Instead, take a } timer switch, set it for when you want to get up, and plug your stereo } into it, preferably with a Harmon-Kardon or Crown amplifier.  Cue an } albumn copy of "Dark Side of the Moon" up on the beginning of "Time" -- } yeah, the one with the clocks -- and crank that baby up to at least 100 } decibels.  Guaranteed to wake you up in the morning (along with anyone } in gunshot range). } } You owe the Oracle three dozen Halcyons and a hearing aid for my } neighbor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are we here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  You are the one hundred millionth mortal to pose this } exact question to the Oracle.  Ordinarily, the Oracle would not } condescend to answer such a question more than one and a half million } times, but because of the special circumstances (your having turned the } Oracle-o-meter over to zero again), here is an answer. } } The Ten Top reasons why you are here: } } 10. Just lucky, I guess. }  9. Because your moms and dads were at that party, lo these many years }     ago. }  8. Actually, you are not here, you are 2.5 cm to the right. }  7. To help others, and pay a mortgage, and raise 3.2 children. }  6. Because it would be too expensive to ship you somewhere else. }  5. To ask pointless questions of the Oracle. }  4. Because you sinned in a prior lifetime, and got demoted from snail. }  3. Someone forgot to leave a forwarding address. }  2. Yes, why indeed? Hurry, hurry, you are going to be late! }  1. Because you paid someone else to serve in the Iraqi Army in your }     place. } } You owe the Oracle a map with "You Are Here" printed on it.