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Internet Oracularities #222

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Usenet Oracularities #222    (18 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 9 Nov 90 10:32:49 -0500

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222   18 votes 46611 35280 07551 43542 31374 27333 25650 21780 22743 14463
222   3.0 mean  2.4   2.8   3.0   2.8   3.4   2.9   2.8   3.2   3.2   3.3


222-01    (46611 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O wisest and most virile of Oracles...do those penile implants
> used to remedy impotence *really* work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you pointed out, I'm an entity of awesome virility, and I will of
} course dig deep into the abundance of experience I've gathered over the
} years at wild parties and in the back of limousines, in order to give
} you an answer that will satisfy you.
}
} The implants work, and very well at that, and more on that subject will
} follow, but first I would like to discuss how to avoid getting in a
} situation where you need them.
}
} Ok then, so why does a man need an implant?
}
} Basically there are two reasons :
}
} * You haven't done your daily 'genital-push-ups', and you consequently
}   are out of training.
} * Your imagination isn't dirty enough!
}
} If you're out of training, everything's OK, a little training and you're
} fine.
}
} Otherwise there are two possibilities:
}
} * You're religious.
} * You've never experienced anything dirty to fantasize about.
}
} If you're religious you don't bother anyway, otherwise there are two
} possibilities:
}
} * You're 10 years old.
} * You're shy.
}
} If you're 10 years old you shouldn't worry, your time will come son,
} otherwise I will give you some examples on how to overcome your shyness.
}
} * I know of people, friends of mine as a matter of fact, who have
}   overcome their shyness by exhibitionism! Do *It* in a public place,
}   e.g. a restaurant, a public library, your driveway etc. (PLEASE NOTE:
}   Policestations are TOO public!)
}
} * Play any 2-Live-Crew album to your grandma.
}
} * Get a role-model, e.g. Larry Hagman, Sylvester Stallone, Roseanne
}   Barr. These are people who have overcome their shyness, and they now
}   enrichen the world with their talent.
}
} These tips should make the implants redundant, but we will now discuss
} different types of implants.
}
} * String-implants
}   The name doesn't, as it implies, mean that you look like a hunk of a
}   man in a G-string, it refers to the way the implant operates.
}
} * Magnetic-implants
}   This actually requires an operation on both of you, but it has been
}   known to raise the attraction in a relationship.
}
} * Silicon-implants
}   These are fully operational at a 24-hour basis, and I'm afraid that
}   you will have to buy the new Jockey 'SteelCrotch'tm line of underwear
}   in the future.
}
} You owe the oracle a vasectomy.


222-02    (35280 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ga loves me. what should i do ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have been consulted before about this "ga" | "GA" person.  It seems
} that this person has a problem.  Are you the right person to solve this
} problem?  I suggest you do one or more of the following:
}
} - Take him out somewhere, preferably somewhere that serves diesel
}   instead of alcohol.  Buy him a drink.  Buy yourself a drink.  Repeat
}   whenever your glass or his glass is empty.  This is the Oracle's
}   formula for "getting smashed."  Your human metabolism is not really
}   designed for such liquids as diesel, concorde fuel, hydrazine,
}   gasoline/petrol, kerosene or McDonald's thickshakes.  You will both
}   wake up with one hell of a hangover, and you will both be convinced
}   that going out with the other is not such a good idea.  It is
}   necessary to buy nasty drinks for yourself even if you already know
}   this, as substituting mild drinks like mineral water and orange juice
}   do not always have the desired effect.
}
} - Buy two dozen fresh oysters.  Eat twelve, and make him eat twelve.
}   Proceed to make wild passionate love to him for the next fifteen
}   hours. He could merely be one of the breed of guys known as "horny,
}   desperate and a virgin."  This will fix the last part.  If his
}   virginity is making him desperate, it will reduce or eliminate the
}   second condition as well.  That only leaves the first.  This is easily
}   fixed.  Give him herpes.
}
} - Shave your head.
}
} - Do something so pointlessly awful to him that it will put him off you
}   for life.
}
} - Get to know him.  Beneath the probably unattractive exterior is likely
}   to be a really nice person who just wants to be loved like anyone
}   else. Take him out and buy him a drink.  Unlike the first option, it
}   must NOT contain any diesel, but may contain alcohol.  Chat him up.
}   Find out what he likes to do in his spare time.  (If at this stage he
}   says something like "I like to beat up old grannies for their money"
}   "I hang around primary schools giving boiled lollies to little girls"
}   "I like inventing new sports, and I want to try out my latest
}   invention with you: it's tandem bungie jumping abseiling
}   rock-climbing" "Belch fart buurp belch belch fart" "I vandalise the
}   public transport system" "I like to pick fluff out of my navel and
}   squeeze my pimples at the bathroom mirror" "What's spare time?" "I
}   plant noxious weeds in national parks" "There's nothing like driving
}   over speed humps at two hundred to get the adrenaline flowing" or
}   anything similar, stop at this point, and try one of the other
}   options.)  Find out more about him. After a while, it will become
}   easier to tell what sort of a person he is. He might turn out to have
}   a resemblance to a kiwi-fruit: all furry and rough on the outside,
}   green on the inside with small black seeds.  No, like a kiwi-fruit in
}   that he's nasty on the outside, but nice on the inside.  Or maybe not.
}   But how would you know unless you tried?
}
} - Shave his head.
}
} - Take him to the local red-light district.
}
} You can use your imagination; you are not restricted to these choices.
} Or you could do nothing.  He might then get attracted to the next
} vaguely blond, vaguely beautiful vaguely female person that walks past,
} and it would not be your problem any more.
}
} You owe the Oracle six D-size batteries, a piece of dental floss, six
} pieces of wire, some plastic explosive, a digital watch and a shoebox.
}
} -- Oracle.oz


222-03    (07551 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Could someone please tell me what the capital city of Zimbaboue is
>    please?
>  What is Zimbaboue's main export?
>  What is the country's population?
>  Where is Zimbaboue?
>  What airlines fly there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The oracle, now having been converted to existentialism, refuses
} to believe that Zimbaboue exists whatsoever.  Neither do you, as a
} matter of fact, but that is beside the point, for who else can the
} oracle talk to?
}       From here, all questions are simple to answer:
}       Zimbaboue's primary export is Statistics, the main reason being
} that Statistics reflect no part of reality whatsoever.  On average,
} Zimbaboue exports 69877433 tons of Statistics a year, 35% of which are
} based on a grain of truth, the rest of which are the product of the
} extremely twisted imaginations of the inhabitants of Zimbaboue.
}       Of course, this leads one to the conclusion that the population of
} Zimbaboue is 12.5% Accountants, 34% Mathematicians, 6% Philosophers, and
} 27.98% Bureaucrats.  Exactly 33% realize that Zimbaboue does not exist
} whatsoever, + or - 56%.
}       Zimbaboue is located nowhere at all.
}       Of course, this means that all airlines must fly to Zimbaboue, for
} this is the center of all lost luggage.  However, you shall never be
} able to book tickets on a flight to Zimbaboue, for Zimbaboue does not
} exist.
}
}       You owe the Oracle 97.8% of the 1990 Almanac.


222-04    (43542 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                             O Mighty Oracle,
>                             An answer be my wish.
>                             Are all fishermen liars,
>                             Or do all liars fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               The answer, O simple mortal,
}               I believe, goes as such:
}               A fisherman is a liar
}               Who goes outdoors too much.
}
} You owe the Oracle your dragonfly lure...


222-05    (31374 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my toast always fall jam side down!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, you're using Mobius bread.
}
} The Oracle requests a kleinbottle opener as payment.


222-06    (27333 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                     Oracle Accuracy Test
>                     --------------------
>
> Time: TEN minutes for examination
>
> Answer: FOUR Questions only
>         Question 1 is COMPULSORY
>
> Questions carry the number of marks indicated. Pentagram graph paper
> provided (see attached). Astrology texts, the Prophesies of Nostradamus
> and one hand-operated Ouiji board permitted.
>
> Question 1
> ----------
> How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?
>                                                          (0 marks)
>
> Question 2
> ----------
> Prove the existence of the Oracle. Give three examples.
>                                                          (3 marks)
>
> Question 3
> ----------
> Why is there no Question 4 ?
>                                                          (-3 marks)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE ACCURACY OF THE ORACLE????  Your very SOUL
} will BURN IN HELL for EVEN SUGGESTING that my accuracy is subject to
} question!!!!!!
}
} My very VOICE sounds in CHORDS when I SPEAK!  My EXCRETIONS are
} WORSHIPED from NEAR AND FAR!  QUESTION ME NOT, O MORTAL WHO IS FULL OF
} HIMSELF!
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology.


222-07    (25650 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise oracle  why is it that capital letters were invented?
> Do they ever serve a real purpose, except in the case of telling the
> difference between polish and polish?  (The thing you do to shoes vs.
> the nationality)
> Did people once talk in capital letters, and did they sound different?
>
> -just wondering.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} well mr. wondering, capital letters were invented so that the almighty,
} wise, benevolent, and downright awesome oracle could make dramatic
} looking proclamations like:
}
} IBM'S SUCK
}
}    or
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE A BOOK OF E.E.  CUMMINGS POETRY


222-08    (21780 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why the hell does a recruiter REALLY want to know where I "see myself"
> five years from now?!  Do I look like a fortune-teller?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your confusion.  Recruiters, like most who work
} for major corporations, no longer speak English (if, in fact, they ever
} did).  This is made more confusing by the fact that regional dialects
} are common, and therefore exact translations difficult.
}
} The Oracle, in its infinite wisdom and generosity, would like to supply
} a quick guide to possible translations:
}
} "You won't be needing a raise for five years, will you?"
}
} "You won't mind if you work on the same project for five years, will
} you?"
}
} "You won't leave the company before working for us on the same project,
} with no raise, for five years, will you?"
}
} "You won't want my job before I leave for another company in five
} years, will you?"
}
} Answer carefully.  The Oracle suggests, "In five years, I see my
} startup acquiring your pathetic little company for 10 cents on the
} dollar, you drone."
}
} You owe the Oracle twelve thousand stock options.


222-09    (22743 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do alarm clock radios have a 'Timed radio' feature without another
> volume control.
>
> Fx: Going to bed, turn radio on...QUICKLY TURN THE DAMNNED VOLUME
>     DOWN...set the timer on......fall assleeeZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.......alarm
>     goes off in the morning, _softly_......2 hours later, alarm turns
>     off....1 hour later, I get out of bed, look at the alarm
>     SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT ::xF
>
> Does the oracle have a dual volume alarm clock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The esteemed Oracle has <yawn> pondered your <yawn> question but, oh,
} damn, where is my coffee?  <yawn> But since you must ask, and the
} omniscient Oracle must answer, then answer I shall.
}
} Verily, verily I say unto you, doest thou lookest a gift horse in the
} mouth?
}
} Did you think for one minute that when you plopped down good money for
} that clock radio that you were *paying* for an *alarm clock* itself?
} Why no, most of the purchase price is paid out in royalties to Feeney L.
} Barbitol, the inventor of the "sleep" feature of said rude awakening
} device.  Notice that it does not say "snooze" like the fat little abused
} button on top that you pummel unabashedly every morning for that
} precious five more minutes of not facing your hangover and/or your
} dragon-breath spouse.  No, it does not say "snooze" it clearly says
} "sleep", and it is should be obvious to even a lemming-brain such as
} yourself.  Even still, it should be abundantly clear that any volume
} level which you can sleep through will not wake you up.  However, when
} you realize the error of your ways and shout your expletives, this is a
} delightful excuse for being late.  "Gee, boss, I must have turned the
} clock radio down too low when I used the sleep button last night."
}
} But seriousness aside, you can set your alarm to "alarm" rather than
} "radio" as that damned chirping bastard is totally unaffected by the
} volume control.
}
} Or, you could follow the Oracle's example of using your clock radio only
} for the "sleep" feature and totally ignore the alarm.  Instead, take a
} timer switch, set it for when you want to get up, and plug your stereo
} into it, preferably with a Harmon-Kardon or Crown amplifier.  Cue an
} albumn copy of "Dark Side of the Moon" up on the beginning of "Time" --
} yeah, the one with the clocks -- and crank that baby up to at least 100
} decibels.  Guaranteed to wake you up in the morning (along with anyone
} in gunshot range).
}
} You owe the Oracle three dozen Halcyons and a hearing aid for my
} neighbor.


222-10    (14463 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are we here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  You are the one hundred millionth mortal to pose this
} exact question to the Oracle.  Ordinarily, the Oracle would not
} condescend to answer such a question more than one and a half million
} times, but because of the special circumstances (your having turned the
} Oracle-o-meter over to zero again), here is an answer.
}
} The Ten Top reasons why you are here:
}
} 10. Just lucky, I guess.
}  9. Because your moms and dads were at that party, lo these many years
}     ago.
}  8. Actually, you are not here, you are 2.5 cm to the right.
}  7. To help others, and pay a mortgage, and raise 3.2 children.
}  6. Because it would be too expensive to ship you somewhere else.
}  5. To ask pointless questions of the Oracle.
}  4. Because you sinned in a prior lifetime, and got demoted from snail.
}  3. Someone forgot to leave a forwarding address.
}  2. Yes, why indeed? Hurry, hurry, you are going to be late!
}  1. Because you paid someone else to serve in the Iraqi Army in your
}     place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a map with "You Are Here" printed on it.


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