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Internet Oracularities #224

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Usenet Oracularities #224    (17 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 11 Nov 90 10:08:13 -0500

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224   17 votes 23372 42542 33551 22733 13742 25541 42344 25550 15830 04346
224   3.1 mean  3.2   2.9   2.9   3.2   3.2   2.8   3.1   2.8   2.8   3.7


224-01    (23372 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Omnipissant Oracle, what is the difference between John Updike's
> Roger's Version and anyones elses??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Omnipissant, eh?
}
} You know, every once in a while a smarty-pants amoeba like yourself
} thinks they can slip one past the old Oracle. You think the Oracle
} is getting old and senile, and doesn't read the questions carefully
} anymore. So you try to slip in a little insult with one of your
} typically meaningless questions with the idea that you and your
} infantile little friends can laugh at the old Oracle when he
} completely misses it in his answer.
}
} Well you know those dirty little magazines you keep under your
} mattress? Your girlfriend, mother and the police all know about
} them now. And you know when you were swinging your baseball bat, when
} you where 14, and you knocked the headlight out and dented the hood
} on your father's '57 Mustang, and then you told him your neighbor's
} kid Johnny did it? Your Dad, Johnny, Johnny's Dad, and Johnny's
} motorcycle gang all know about it now. All potential employers have
} been informed that you have a kinky thing for paperclips, and that
} you like building booger stalactites under the boardroom table
} so the VP's get it on their pants without knowing how. And last, but
} not least: both the IRS and the FBI have been notified that the charity
} that accounted for several thousand dollars of tax deductions on
} your last return was actually Guido the Reefer King, and Guido knows
} they know and thinks you told them.
}
} Count yourself lucky I don't get pissed off easily.


224-02    (42542 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I did what you said with the Fiendish Mind Control Device,
> (the instructions were great, thanks) and turned all the men into labor
> drones and all the women into sex slaves, but I can't read this last
> part of your instructions.   The part between "IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP"
> and "including the walrus." is blurred (spilled Diet Coke on it,
> sorry).  What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here is the section omitted from your instructions:
}
}
}    Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
} would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
} you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
} maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
} OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
} UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
} IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
} WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND
} SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS,
} RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
} RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
} FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
}
}     However, we have take great care to ensure that even a total nimrod
} like you can get decades of orgiastic adolescent power tripping so long
} as you make sure that this aparatus does not come in contact with an
} aqueous solution of carbonic acid, phosphoric acid, and aspartame.  This
} means that it is vital that you keep all such mixtures from touching
} any part of this aparatus.  If you do, the subsequent bio-psycho-feed-
} back will cause free all people from your control while simultaneously
} causing your generative organs to swell so that they are larger and more
} ugly than any lump of mammalian protoplasm, including the walrus.
}
}                               - O -
}
}    Umm.... did you say that you spilled diet Coke on it?   Oopsie!
} That's why we don't give warranties with these kits.


224-03    (33551 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Should I go to grad school and become an anal retentive, sexually
> frustrated deviant like the rest of the goons on this network?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, my child, you should go to grad school.
}
} Never mind that it will leach six or eight years from you during the
} prime of your life.
}
} Never mind that members of the opposite sex will always tell you,
} "Oh...Computers! How...interesting..."
}
} Never mind that you will be constantly surrounded by a bigger group of
} social rejects than your faculty.
}
} Never mind that you will work long sleepless days and nights on end,
} eating only things that are bad for you.
}
} Never mind that the only thing you will remember one month afterwards
} is where the LaTeX fonts directory is.
}
} Never mind that the total material gain you will receive for your
} pains will be comprised of:
}  1. One piece of paper (8.5in x 11in sideways, larger if it's a good
}     school) which no one will ever ask to see in anyway.
}  2. One draft copy of your thesis--you will be too poor to afford a
}     copy of the final version.
}  3. $2k extra salary over those who only got a BS, $4k if Phd.
}
} Yes, never mind these minor mortal concerns, for you are well on your
} way to...Enlightenment! Besides, it will make your parents happy. In
} the case of the Oracle, whose parents--being Old Gods--demand plenty,
} 4207 post-doc degrees and 643 viginal sacrifices have been necessary
} to date...
}
} You owe the Oracle a six-pack of Coke and two boxes of Twinkies
} (original, NOT strawberry filled).


224-04    (22733 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens if you clean a self-cleaning oven?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For submitting such a lovely question, you will be granted a wish.  Of
} course your wish will be to gaze upon the likeness of the Almighty
} Oracle like countless foolish mortals before you, but it is your wish,
} and it will be granted.  To gaze upon the splendid visage of an immortal
} is a bit akin to looking into a google-watt lightbulb, but the all too
} brief nanosecond of visual ecstasy will burn a lifelong impression into
} your soul...  after which your retini will vaporize into your ecosystem.
}
} Rejoice and be glad for you will be among the company of the blessed.
}
}       "What happens if you comb a bald head?"
}                       -submitted by Stevie Wonder, 1952
}
}       "What happens if you don't go to India for Ghandifest '88?"
}                       -submitted by Helen Keller, 1878
}
}       "What happens if you take out your actual size relief map of
}        north america from your glove compartment?"
}                       -submitted by Mr Magoo
}
}       "Hey buddy, did you know that your windows are tinted illegally?"
}                       -submitted by Officer Hannigan, 1978
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of Raybans.


224-05    (13742 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, tell me why girls just wanna be friends.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a common Misconception.  In fact, girls just want to have fun.
} (As expressed - Lauper - 198*) You can't have fun with enemies, so girls
} want to be friends
} Whilst this is part of the answer, it is not the complete answer.
} Females are different from Males - Women have basic biological
} differences, I.e.  Women recognise new hairstyles and new clothes,
} whilst men notice new cars and beers on the market.  Women notice old
} food in the fridge, whilst men forget who put it there.  Women like to
} dress up; Men like to get down and get funky in that old shirt that's 14
} sizes to small, but still has the college emblem faintly recognisable on
} the back.  Women drink alcohol, Men chug vast quantities of lager
} (except if there are important women present, in which case they drink
} small glasses of shandi).  Men are hypocrites, whereas women backstab.
} Men know the value of a 350 engine, even though it's sat in the garage
} for 2 and a half years BUT ONE DAY I'LL GET AROUND FITTING IT INTO THAT
} PUSSY YOU DRIVE, AND THEN YOU'LL REALLY KNOW WHAT DRIVING IS, whilst
} women know the value of love and compassion.  MEN INHERENTLY KNOW THAT
} THE RATTLING YOU'RE HEARING IS THE TIMING CHAIN, AND YOU'VE ONLY GOT 400
} MILES LEFT BEFORE IT POPS AND YOU'RE STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE -
} BUT DON'T WORRY, I'LL GET IT DONE WHEN I'M FINISHED IN THE DEN, OK!,
} whilst women know that something needs fixing, and so take it in and get
} it done.  MEN know survival techniques with a cat-like instinct, whilst
} women know men similarly.  Women realise the true value of expensive
} perfume, whilst men know that women will never truly appreciate the
} value of the smell of a good dump in and expensive formica shithouse
} (especially at someone else's place).  Women have social graces, whilst
} men cruise in mouth-alert mode waiting for someone to say that the 69ers
} can't play for shit, AND THEN THE SHIT STARTS.  Men just say "It isn't
} working out", whilst women say "DAVE, We've been seeing each other for
} several weeks now, and I feel that our relationship has moved above the
} mere bagatelle of sexual encounters, and that for our relationship to
} gain further meaning, we must move into a non-committed, non-sexual
} basis" instead of saying "DAVE, this has been the worst 5 weeks of my
} life, and, had I the free choice, i'd rather go out with a banana on the
} end of a bit of blue string; the sex was about as good as being struck
} across the groin with a land mine and a bad of rice crispies, and, for
} the level of our friendship to remain anything greater than me spitting
} in your face and on everything you touch or own, I think you should pack
} up your stuff, including that wimpy baseball you carry as a good-luck
} charm, you feeb, and get the hell out of here.  And if you mention to
} anyone that we did..  ug..  IT..  I will have my two brothers hunt you
} to the end of the earth and insert large road mending appliances where I
} believe they will do ME the most good.  Let's just be friends, ok?"
}
} I hope this has answered your question.  The Oracle-S requires the name
} and address of your "friend"


224-06    (25541 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me, what is the mean of life?
> Or, should I use the median, or mode?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  It's not the mean you have to worry about, me bucko, it's the standard
} deviation.  The mean is right where you'd expect it to be, but
} everybody's so damn kinky that the s.d.  is way way out of control.  The
} Deity Fathers have talked about throwing out the sample but that would
} mean lots of shouting, and fire and brimstone.  Basically, after the
} flood accident, their insurance went through the ceiling and they've had
} a terrible time getting even basic coverage for any new creation.
}
}  You yourself could fall within 2 s.d's of the norm, but there's that
} thing you like to do when your roomies go out for the evening.  Frankly,
} I'm suprised they haven't caught on by now, what with all the animal fur
} lying around.  They seem like bright people to me, ah well.
}
}  You owe the Oracle the Integral of Madonna's cones, (nudge, wink)


224-07    (42344 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear massive one,
>
> Recently I looked up the definition of "recursive" in my favorite
> textbook and it had "see recursive" for a meaning.
>
> Is there anything I can do regarding textbook authors who try to be
> funny but hopelessly fail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Say, did you know that gullible isn't in the dictionary?
}
} Odd yet true.  Go see for youself.


224-08    (25550 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Wise Oracle:
>       Whither Dan Quayle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle wishes to point out that the White House publishes schedules
} for the President and Vice President and does not wish to be viewed as a
} substitute for a well-placed telephone call.
}
} If you meant "Wither Dan Quayle", though, there's not much hope.  The
} Vice President's feet seem firmly planted in enough manure to keep him
} growing for a long time to come.
}
} The Oracle requires more hope for humanity to continue after these
} depressing thoughts.


224-09    (15830 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is life worth living?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe.  It all depends on your frame of reference.  If you look at
} simple biological life, then your instincts should guide you.  If you're
} talking about intellectual life, your professors or peers should guide
} you.  If you speak of emotional life, then you're on your own, pal.
}
} It's that emotional stuff that makes questions concerning life so
} difficult to answer.  Therefore, follow these easy steps to determine if
} YOUR life is worth living:
}       1) Sit down.
}       2) Compute your emotional equivalence ratio (EER).  This is done
}          by following these simple steps -
}               a) list all the good things and bad things that happened
}                  to you today.
}               b) total these separate columns, and subtract the bad
}                  points from the good points.
}               c) modify the final score by the following:
}                       +5 if you own a pet
}                       +3 if you have a Significant Other
}                       +2 if you have a Very Good Stereo
}                       +1 for each apple that you have eaten today
}                          (assuming it was not counted as a Good Thing
}                          above)
}                       -10 if your pet was run over earlier today
}                       -5 if you are married
}                       -3 if the Jehovah's Witnesses have been around
}                          today
}                       -1 on general principals
}               d) divide your final score by 3 (so you don't feel bad
}                  about your score being so high or low)
}               e) if your score is positive, good for you.  Life is worth
}                  living.
}               f) if your score is zero, try again tomorrow.
}               g) otherwise, go buy a banana split - maybe it'll put you
}                  up over the zero mark.
}
} And that's all there really is to determining the worthiness of life.
} And next time, be sure to make sure that the terminal is plugged in
} before pouring syrup onto the keyboard.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Very Good Stereo to put me over the 100 point
} mark.


224-10    (04346 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a mime falls in the forest, does he make a sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seeker of Unisolatable Quarks (Truth and Beauty),
}
} As I read your question, a similar question popped into my mind.  And
} that is, if a mime falls in the forest, does anyone care?  I quickly
} convinced myself that in fact, no one cares, and set about to research
} the in depth answer to your question.
}
} I rummaged through my archives, including the PanHistoric Encyclopedia
} of Everything and Everyone.  And drew a blank.  I consulted the Physics
} of Sound, and the Physics of Mime, and neither had an "extra information
} box" (the kind you are always lead to believe are optional reading,
} when, in fact, your professor tests you on them) on the subject, let
} alone a chapter.  I came to the conclusion that it was necessary to
} conduct an experiment.  As I am a theoretician, this came as an awful
} shock, and so I lay in a daze for a significant amount of time.  A warm
} shower, and a cold bathroom woke up my brain and I set about to "get my
} hands dirty" with the scientific method.
}
} The experiment was to take 100 mimes to a forest, have them fall and
} record whether or not they made any noises.  In chosing the forest I
} was, in fact, careful not to pick a place with the trees distributed
} such that sound waves would be reflected and cause such destructive
} interference that is no sound at all is/was ever heard (similar to that
} dark wooded area next to your house that you always had to walk through
} on your way back from trick-or-treating).
}
} I trudged into the Appalachian Mountains with my 100 mimes and set to
} experimenting.  This is what resulted:
}    22 mimes were attacked by angry squirrels for mimicking them.  In the
} style of David and Goliath, these mimes where dead before hitting the
} ground - no sound was heard.
}    12 mimes were knocked down by hungry grizzly bears that made too much
} noise to actually tell if the mimes made any sounds at all.
}    11 mimes fell onto porcupines.  Resulting in 11 loud pissed-off
} rodents.
}    10 mimes ran away, making no noise until they happened to hit a large
} oak, at which point a loud "Umph!" escaped their lips.  Upon actually
} hitting the ground, no more sounds eminated from these mimes.
}    9 mimes were abducted by Smokey the Bear for leaving a campfire
} burning when they'd been boy scouts.
}    8 mimes being out of the oppressive city atmosphere got drugged by
} the fresh air and danced away singing "The hills are alive...  with the
} sound of music.
}    7 mimes were crushed under falling trees.  As in the case of the
} grizzly bear too much noise was made to tell if any sound was admitted
} by the mime.  The recorder of the experiment was also prudently running
} in the opposite direction, quite ignoring the whole process.
}    6 mimes were attacked by a small man in a tuxedo with a large nose
} (actually a flightless waterfowl).  He wielded his pimento loaf with
} such speed, the mimes were taken unawares, and made no noises upon
} actual impact.
}    5 mimes climbed up imaginary trees and fell, screaming until they
} actually hit the ground.  Again, no noise escaped upon actual impact.
}    4 mimes were skewered by unsprung traps from First Blood.
}    3 mimes climbed up imaginary trees and never came down.
}    2 mimes tripped on their way into the forest and broke their noses.
}    1 mime told the Oracle to "f*ck off" and was subsequently destroyed
} by a wandering lightning bolt.
}
} As a scientist I was only able to conclude that when mimes actually fall
} in the forest they do not, in fact make a sound.  This is assuming that
} the "fall" means impact with the ground.  Should however the fall
} include any time between standing up and laying horizontally upon the
} Mother Earth mimes do, in fact, tend to make a noise, however another
} experiment would be required.  In assuming the former, we can divine
} that the only thing going through the minds of the mimes as they fell
} was something akin to what the petunias thought.  "Oh no.  Not again."
}
} You owe the Oracle a silent film.


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