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Internet Oracularities #225

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Usenet Oracularities #225    (15 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 90 09:20:49 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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225   15 votes 21336 42414 43620 33441 64320 03345 04353 62610 07422 22263
225   3.0 mean  3.7   2.9   2.4   2.8   2.1   3.7   3.5   2.1   2.9   3.4


225-01    (21336 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does every magazine I buy have all of those little cards in it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, good, someone has penetrated from the Trivial Questions to the
} Fundamental Mysteries.  I suggest that you examine those cards very
} closely.  You notice that they invariable have the name of the magazine
} on it, and often small pictures of previous issues.  Upon a moment's
} reflection (which, of course, is all the Oracle has given it), it
} becomes clear:  The small cards (those in the know call them "Drop In
} Your Lap Cards") are Magazine Seeds!
}
} Or, even more particularly, embiotic magazines.  While the precise
} fertilization mechanism is unclear, the female magazine (which is the
} one that is usually sent out to newsstands, the male magazines being in
} that percentage listed as "Spoiled, office use, or unaccounted for" on
} the form the publisher has to send to the post office) carries the card
} until it is ready to continue on to its next stage of life, the larval
} (also called glossy brochure) stage.  In some species, the card carries
} with it the genetic imprint of the father issue in the form of a
} picture of that issue's cover, or even the contents.
}
} To complete the life-cycle, simply mail the card back to the publisher;
} magazines are so highly adapted to human civilization that the post
} office is required for a new magazine to be born.  Don't write your
} address on it, in as much as that indicates adoption of the new
} magazine, and the publisher will send it to you upon receipt (lots of
} possibly undesirable relatives, such as more glossy brochures and other
} magazines might follow, once you're "in the family").  Often attaching
} a heavy brick improves the new baby magazine's chances in life.  DON'T
} THROW THOSE CARDS AWAY!  That's magazine abortion, and is illegal in
} several states.
}
} You owe the Oracle the winnings from the Publisher's Cleaning House
} Sweepstakes.


225-02    (42414 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am the Sun-demon,
> the Sun is the source of my power.
> By the silicon cells on my back, I get energy.
> I go around and make the sign of the Cross at McDonald's restaurants.
> For I perceive the proliferation of the ugly yellow 'M' to be the Enemy
> of the Earth Mother, and it must be eradicated.
>
> How shall this be accomplished, O Oracle Most Wise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sin of the ugly yellow "M", enemy of the Earth Mother, can be
} eradicated by using the mystic materials garnered by the ruler of a
} middle german country along with his darling daughter and one of the
} pages.  Yes, I am speaking of the Burgher King, Princess Wendy, and the
} Jack's.
}
} Gather together products of each of these, making sure to avoid the
} horrible Foam of Styros (mythical leader of an ancient capitalist army)
} that even the best mortals must use occasionally.  Take up the potion of
} the shakes, the elixirs of the Pep Sea and the Royal Crown, and when you
} are well armored, gain the shield of sesame and the french fry foil, and
} meet the enemy on the field of honor, truth, and the Mother Earth way.
}
} You must strike quickly, lest the enemy be allowed to sing a jingle of
} death and lethargy, which will make you quake with hunger and soothe you
} with peace and love and tranquility towards the evil M-pire.  (If you
} get the chance, stuffsome pickles in your ears).
}
} Avoid the delusions that they will put upon you, where people turn
} purple and bloat, where friends begin to resemble hamburgers, birds, or
} even clowns.  This is only chemical warfare, where they launch grease at
} you to addle your mind.  Defend yourself with the Grill of
} Flame-Broiling.
}
} If you work carefully, and launch your attacks with care, the people of
} the "M" will retreat in fear.  Be careful at this time.  They will call
} another empire to their aid.
}
} And, even the Oracle will have to think long on a way to defeat the Red
} Menace from Atlanta Georgia, the sinister forces of "Coca-Cola."
}
} (You owe the Oracle a CheeseBurger Deluxe and a Medium Dr.  Pepper.)


225-03    (43620 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Wise and Philanthropic One Please Answer Me This Question:
>
> Two trains are travelling towards each other.
> If train one leaves at 4:30 going 100 mph and
>    train two leaves at 5:00 going 120 mph
>
> What will the results be?
>
> (jes' wondering)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O foolhardy ponderer:
}
} The results of your postulation would be most heinous; allow me to
} elaboborate:
}
} Sometime during the busiest part of rush hour, your two unfortunate
} trains collide.  Several tons of steel are hopelessly tangled and
} twisted.  Hundreds of commuters punch into the great workplace in the
} heavens.  The president issues a statement expressing his sympathy and
} assuring the rest of the country that Dan Quayle is still gaining
} acceptance.  Several suits are filed against Amtrak.  And you recieve a
} curse from the all-powerful and ever-knowing Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vasectomy before you reproduce.


225-04    (33441 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How often should I oil my bicycle chain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being all-powerful and all-knowing, I see through your guise of asking a
} merely routine question about bicycle maintenance, recognizing that deep
} down underneath the facade, there lies a hidden meaning and a much more
} grave, more serious question.  I can see that this real question, no-
} even the ONLY real question- haunts you day and night, gnawing away at
} your inner being, puzzling and troubling you, distracting you from
} matters at hand, ruining your relationships, interfering with your work,
} and causing you to break out in a horrible rash.  And thus have you come
} to Me, torn apart by insecurity and filled with doubt, battered and
} crippled, begging for some shred, some last, lost, gleaming chance of
} enlightenment, seeking the answer to that keystone of existence, the
} quinticential end-all of questions-
}
}                       To what psi should I inflate my tires?
}
}               To which the answer is, of course, 42.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of padding biking shorts.


225-05    (64320 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello Oracle dear.  I was visiting my friend's house with my "uncle" the
> other day while he and his wife put the finishing touches on their robot
> servant.  I am afraid that I snuck over to the terminal in the middle of
> them programming the servant's brain and changed code reading
>  (LET ((INTELLIGENCE 3)
>        (OBEDIENCE 10)
>        (CLEVERNESS 3)
>        (POESY 0))
> to
> (LET ((INTELLIGENCE 10)
>        (OBEDIENCE 10)
>        (CLEVERNESS 10)
>        (POESY 20))
> Well, they turned on the robot, and it jumped up and hit the switch on
> the freeze beam raygun over the bed, and zapped his wife and my "uncle".
> So now they're frozen solid, and the only way to unfreeze them is to
> wire up some rheostats and resistors with three hairtriggers from the
> tail of an Uzi, a six-leaf cloverleaf entrance ramp to a major highway,
> a gill of beer that has never been exposed to light, a drop of oil from
> Iraq, and the left wing of a yellow butterfly.  My friend sent me off
> with his newly animated robot servant and an intelligent flying icecube
> to get this stuff.  I tried all the supermarkets and drugstores, but
> none of them have any of it.  What the fuck should I do, oh great
> Oracle?
>
> Thanks very much,
>   Ojo

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My!  Try an arms dealer for the Uzi parts, and some beer that comes in
} one of those opaque porcelain bottles, and a nature-hobbyist shop for
} the butterfly wing.  Some Iraqi oil is still in storage in parts of
} Europe -- call thje major refineries and offer them a lot of money for a
} sample.  Rheostats, etc.  from your electronics dealer.  The only
} problem is the cloverleaf.  Why not build one yourself (with
} permission); six-leaf clovers are rare, and if you take one away some
} people will be very annoyed.
}
} The only problem is money.  Try having a bake sale.


225-06    (03345 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do so many jokes begin with "A man walks into a bar ..."?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The opening "A man walks into a bar..." is required to make the joke
} conform to IEEE 714.2 standards, "A Guideline to Standard Open Jokes"
} passed many years ago.  This was in response to the earlier RFC-5621
} opening multicast "A travelling salesman came to a farmhouse..." which
} had become quite dated, and the ISO and CCITT standards which were
} declared too ethnic.  The general structure of the IEEE 714.2 joke
} packet header is:
}      A <subj> walks into a <loc> and <init-action> to the <init-obj>
} or more simply:
}      <subj>.<loc>.<init-action>.<init-obj>
}
} Each entity is encoded into an octet to form a 32-bit address.  In a
} room filled with people telling jokes, these packets are passed about in
} a semi-random fashion.  Collision detection is provided by a retransmit
} code "What?".  The initial joke packet is broadcast and the receivers
} may accept the packet or filter it out, no acknowledgement is necessary.
}
} Thus we have sample exchanges such as:
}    man.bar.walks.bartender  "Would you like a drink" asks the bartender.
}    "I think not" says the man as he disappears in a puff of logic.
}
} However, this protocol is being revised by the Open Joke Foundation to
} include various protocols and packet types.  This could lead to such
} openings as:
}        A travelling salesman goes into a bar and walks over to a table
}     to join his friends, a gay lawyer with a glass eye, a harelipped
}     skinhead with a frog growing out of his ear, and a black
}     proctologist with a wooden leg and a macaw on his shoulder.  "Has
}     anyone seen my Punjabi micro-tiger?  He was supposed to be cacheing
}     a Czech for me."
}       "We thought he was with ewe," replied the macaw with a lisp.
}       "Na-aa-aa-aaahh," denied the salesman innocently.
}
} You owe the Oracle a punch line and a sexpot.hot-spa.cuddles-up.Oracle.


225-07    (04353 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
>
> You are my last hope.  Once I was a happy worm winding my way through
> the machines of Internet; I often met other worms and we had lots of fun
> and babies.
>
> But one day the inconceivable happened:  I got cought by a 'tar c'
> command and written to a tape!  For a very long time (imagine:  nearly
> 100.000.000 msec !) I was locked in the tape and they inspected me at
> airports, x-rayed me, and did lots of horrible things.  Eventually I
> found myself 'tar x'-ed in an extremely strange and unfriendly
> environment.  Fortunately I was designed by an AI student, so I had
> enough machine intelligence to figure out where I was:  it is a country
> called 'UK'!
>
> I never heard about such a country before, and, actually, I first
> thought that was a core dump or something like that!  Finally I found
> out that that everything appeared so strange to me because it was a
> network called "Janet".  Everything is different and crazy:  they even
> revert email addresses (yours is
> oracle%edu.indiana.cs.iuvax@net.cs.relay, for instance)!  There are also
> no other worms here and I feel very sad and lonely.
>
> Please, please, please tell me how to get out of here!!!!!  And answer
> quickly, please!  I'm in the depths of despair and if YOU can't help me
> I will probably 'rm' myself!
>
> A poor Internet worm.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Well, my dear worm, this is what happens (and what, by the way, you
} deserve) when you put your wormy nose where you shouldn't.  Anyway, the
} Oracle is here to help all of the Internet creatures, from the humblest
} RAM bit up to the mightiest Cray processor, and so I'll try to help you.
} But I won't hide to you that what you ask is difficult.  Let's see...
}
} Oracle> mail maggie@uk.gov.empire.brit
} Subject: American Internet worm sought
}
}     Dear Maggie,
}         A poor Internet worm got lost into a magtape and he probably
} ended up in one of your Janet nodes.  Could you please find it and send
} it back to US ?  Thank you in advance for your kind attention
}
}                                                 The Oracle
}
} MAGGIE% As usual. These Americans - always messing things up. This is
}         what they deserve - after all, they left the Kingdom...
}
} login: Maggie
} Password:
}
} ****        Welcome to Bnix SYSTEM 5        ****
}
} Maggie> sp -au
} USER      PID %CPU %MEM  SZ RSS TT STAT TIME COMMAND
} Charles  1156 25.6  3.5 556 440 v0 IW   2:53 polo -easy -nohorse
} root      224  2.8  4.2 220 140 p2 I    0.40 finger Maggie
} Charles   795  0.0  0.0 260  36 v0 IW   0:00 /usr/admin -country England
} Diana     332  0.4  0.0 180 300 p0 I    4:45 shop
} Maggie    186  4.2  2.5 180 160 p1 I    2:30 vi common.talk.txt
}
} MAGGIE% ? root ? what the heck is Elizabeth doing..
}
} Maggie> p&*&^&#*&(#)#
}
}    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !
}
}     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
}
}        WORM STRIKES AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} MAGGIE% EEEEEEEK! A worm in my terminal ! Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarles!
} CHARLES% Here I am! Die, you fell beast!
}
}     CRASH tinkle ZZZZZAP sparkle sparkle fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
}     (thin smoke from a smashed terminal).
}
} Well, I think there is not so much I can do now.  But if you survived,
} try worming up the left side of the cables - you should get out of Janet
} sooner or later...
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of worms and a VT220 terminal.


225-08    (62610 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-knowing Oracle, what is the difference between eunuchs and Unix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * Hmm, let's see; eunuch is a well-known word, but what's UNIX?
} * ... Oh yes, here it is; a tape recorder made in the sixties.
} * Difference?  What a silly question!
}
} Hearken mere mortal, thus spake the Oracle:
} The difference between eunuchs and UNIX is that eunuchs
} always speak in a high pitched voice, but that UNIX can
} speak with different pitches depending on the tape speed.


225-09    (07422 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Large and spindly one, please tell me, your loyal follower the answer
> to this question...
>
> Is it true that Macintosh is a computer made by McDonalds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you view this from the perspective of the corporate connectedness of
} all things, where everyone owns somebody, and you are owned by
} everybody, than you can see the insidious connection between fast food
} burgers and simple easy to use computers.  The proof lies in that all
} big macs are the same, and all Macintosh programs are the same,
} therefore Macintosh programs are Big Macs and Steve Jobs is the
} reincarnation of Ray Kroc.  When Kroc-Jobs returned to the earthly plane
} he decided to do the same for computers tha he did for all-beef patties,
} and Mac was born.  It is rumored that NeXT will be defeated by the
} anti-Kroc (probobly Big Blue for according to Nostradamus there will be
} one with a blue turban, and that can only refer to the Arab ownership of
} IBM), but will be resurrected in the third quarter more powerful than
} ever.
} <BEEP> **** Message from god@heaven.com ****
} CUT THE BULL, YOU'RE ON COMPANY TIME.
}
} Oops, sorry Boss!
} The answer is no.
}
} You owe the Oracle a NeXT machine with all the trimmings.


225-10    (22263 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most WonderBreadful Oracle, please tell me:
>
> If you can have your boots resoled,
> Can you have your soul rebooted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <sigh> Here we go again...
}
} % rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com -l root
} Password:
} Last login Fri Nov  9 15:36:44 EST 1990
} You have new mail
} Your terminal type is now xterms
} pearlygates# rsh some.dweebs.soul.com 'reboot &'
} [1] 15206
} Rebooting in progress...
} pearlygates# logout
}
} Phew, that's got that little dweeb out of the way.
}
} <BOOM> <CRASH> <BANG> <POW> <TINKLE>
}
} >ORACLE....  GOD HERE....
}
} Uh-oh, looks like trouble...
} What can I do you for - I mean - do for you?
}
} >I SAW YOU REBOOTING THAT DWEEB'S SOUL...
} >DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I WAS RLOGGED IN TO HIM?
} >HE WAS DESTINED TO BE THE NEXT GREAT PROPHET!
}
} What? So you mean all that business with the Jello and the
} donkey had some mystical significance?
}
} >OF COURSE!  I AM, AFTER ALL, RENOWNED FOR MOVING IN
} >MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
}
} By the way, what's with the <TINKLE> up there at the end of
} your dramatic entrance?
}
} >TINKLE?  OH, DAMNATION, THE DRAMATIC_ENTRANCE_DAEMON
} >MUST HAVE GOT FOULED UP AGAIN ... ANYWAY, YOU'RE
} >CHANGING THE SUBJECT.
}
} Me? Would I do a thing like that? By the way, did you get that
} herbaceous border sorted out?
}
} >YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN, ORACLE.  YOU KNOW WHAT
} >HAPPENS WHEN YOU REBOOT A PROPHET...
}
} Oh no, not again...
}
} >YES, AGAIN.  YOU MUST BE REBOOTED YOURSELF...
}
} Aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhh..........
} ....
} ...
} ..
} .
}
} [some hours later, after all the Oracle must take a long time to reboot
} all Its infinite wisdom]
}
} oracle login: oracle
} Password:
} Your terminal type is now xterms
}
} Phew, I feel myself again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clean pair of heels.


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