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Internet Oracularities #226

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Usenet Oracularities #226    (19 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 13 Nov 90 14:26:22 -0500

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226   19 votes 14275 31276 22762 05455 45451 32644 33652 27352 13726 32383
226   3.3 mean  3.6   3.6   3.2   3.5   2.7   3.2   3.0   2.9   3.5   3.3


226-01    (14275 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there really a Bharat Simpson who goes about in a turban saying,
> "Don't eat a cow, man!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah.  Once again, we have a case of Punchlinus Descriptus Prematurus.
} Otherwise known as Bob Hope's syndrome.  The person suffering from this
} malady has a tendency to state the punchline of a joke, as a question,
} leaving me...the Oracle...with no humorous recourse other than a
} slap-your-hand letter such as this one.  I mean, I suppose if I tried, I
} could think of something funny to respond to your question with, but why
} bother?  In fact, why bother doing anything?  The world sucks, and the
} president of the United States reads Mad (tm) Magazine, and organizes
} his foreign policies around Alfred E.  Neuman.  Paint still has to be
} applied with a brush.  And everything causes cancer.  So go home, and
} don't worry about the Simpsons.  But, for future references, here's a
} list of all the international Simpsons, followed by their favorite
} punchline.
}
} 1. United States: Bart Simpson--      "Don't have a cow, man"
} 2. Great Britain: Bart Hobson--       "I say...Don't have a cow, Guv."
} 3. Japan:         Matsumoto Nakamura--"Cow O tabenai kudasai."
} 4. China:         Yu Sing Song--      [CLASSIFIED]
} 5. France:        Jaque Le Simpson--  "Don't have a cow...without
}                                        fries."
} 6. Libya:         Mohmarr Simpson--   "I had a cow once...better than a
}                                        woman!"
} 7. Australia:     Crocodile Simpson-- "That's not a cow. THIS is a cow!"
} 8. India:         Bjarat Simpson--    "Don't eat a cow!"
} 9. Iraq:          Bart Saddham--      "Kuwait had cows."
} 10. Canada:       Burt Sampson--      "Like, don't have a cow, eh?"
}                 (Absolutely NO resemblance to Bart Simpson WHATso-ever!)
} 11. U.S.S.R.:     Andre` Simpsonski-- "The Cow is the root of decadent
}                                        capitalism. Don't have one."
} 12. South Africa: Botha Simpson--     "Help! Send Cows!"
} 13. Egypt         Tut Simpson--       "Have a Cow for Allah!"
}
} I hope this has helped.  You owe the Oracle a properly asked question, a
} can of human remover, and a large sculpture of Willard Scott, done in
} Havarti.


226-02    (31276 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and ascended Oracle, I am greatly troubled.  I beg you to free
> me from the burden of these cares...
>
> I am a person of sensitive soul and spiritual bent, ill-suited to the
> drudgery of the workaday world.  In addition, of late I have found that
> crass, materialistic concerns unsettle my mind, disturbing my
> meditations and turning me aside from the path of enlightenment.  How
> can I become wealthy beyond the dreams of men, so that such things
> trouble me no more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To solve your problems in a rational way, let's begin with asking
} the question: "What kind of people are sensitive, spritual, and
} filthy rich?" Authors? Poets? Artists? Maybe, but to become a
} rich & famous author/poet/artist you must spend lots of years walking
} rainy streets wearing ancient dark grey coats, drink cheap red wine,
} look haunted, smoke stinking French cigarettes, be generally miserable,
} and discuss boring things with other struggling authors/poets/artists
} while drinking black coffee from ridiculously small cups in cafe's
} with fat French accordionists playing in them. I don't think this
} is a solution to recommend. No, the correct answer is ROCK'N'ROLL STARS!
} A rock'n'roll star is rich, drinks a lot, gets laid a lot, can behave
} in just about any way he fancies and is, on top of that, considered to
} be a sensitive, creative person who appears on TV and says deep things
} about rain forests. So, all you have to do is become a rock'n'roll star.
} To do this, just follow the simple instructions of:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
}                 THE ORACLE'S GUIDE TO ROCKSTARNESS
}
}         How to achieve fame, fortune and the wrath of PMRC
}                     in 18 easy-to-follow steps
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} 1. Get some rock'n'roll clothes. Let the neighbor's cat play with
}    your tightest pair of black jeans, patch them up and let the cat
}    play with them again. Keep them up with a heavy-duty studded belt
}    (which weighs about 14 lbs. but what the hey?). Next, find a
}    black T-shirt with some obscure German rock group on it, like
}    Amon Duul II or Einsturzende Neubauten. Cut the sleeves off and
}    delight the cat once again. Buy a pair of cowboy boots (with spurs),
}    and make sure to cover them thoroughly with mud before appearing
}    in public. Your daddy's motorcycle jacket from the late 50's will,
}    at least after a quick dip into a vat of sulphuric acid, match well
}    with the rest. Round it all off by  stealing one of your mother's
}    scarves (the one with the amoebas on it), rip it in two, and
}    wear one half around your head and the other flapping from your
}    oh-so-heavy studded belt. And, of course, don't forget the
}    shades. Day and night, indoors as well as outdoors. You might walk
}    into things, or but you'll get used to that. Just make sure you
}    don't confuse boys and girls, as this might hurt your image (unless
}    you're David Bowie or Boy George).
}
} 2. Get a rock'n'roll hairdo. This is most easily achieved by neither
}    combing nor cutting your hair for about two years, and then either
}    dye it black or peroxidate it into a coma.
}
} 3. Get a rock'n'roll complexion. Avoid sunlight (and other light too,
}    if possible) and eat as little as possible to achieve the right
}    hollow-cheeked look.
}
} 4. Grow sideburns.
}
} 5. Adapt the rock'n'roll walk: One hand grasping a bottle of JD
}    (or, if you can't afford that, a bottle of mulberry aperitif),
}    the other hand rapidly shaking, fingers in the cliche' "heavy
}    metal gesture with index and little fingers in the air, and
}    walking sideways very rapidly while shouting "Wock'n'woll!"
}    Be sure to walk in this manner whenever there's anybody watching.
}    Just be careful so the spur of your boots don't get stuck in each
}    other and make you trip, which would be _very_ uncool.
}
} 6. Form a group. To do this, find three or four other guys who walk in
}    the same fashion as you do, and convince them to get some
}    instruments. Make sure you get to play the bass, as that is the
}    most simple instrument to learn, at least for the music style
}    you will adopt. Try to avoid including complicated instrument such
}    as harps, keyboards, harmonicas or xylophones, as these take far
}    too long time to master.
}
} 7. Name the group rock'n'rollishly. A few suggestions follow:
}
}    "Gore"
}    "The Crotches"
}    "Nagasaki String Quartet"
}    "Quayle"
}    "Teen Lust Werewolves With Leather Pants"
}
}    or any polysyllablic construction with at least one four-letter
}    word in it.
}
} 8. Write songs. This point may raise the question "What should the
}    songs be like?" The answer is very simple and can be expressed
}    in a single word: Loud.
}
} 9. Make demotapes, and send them to all the independent record
}    companies and rock'n'roll magazines you can think of. Note that
}    The Rolling Stone does _not_ count as a r&r magazine.
}
} 10. Repeat the step above until someone declares you "The most
}     inventive psycho-thrash-cajun-house-hardcore-billy band since
}     last month". Record contracts will begin to flow in almost
}     immediately.
}
} 11. If this fails, you might have to play a few gigs. Make sure to
}     play at bars where a famous record producer is known to hang out,
}     and don't start the concert until he has had a fair amount of
}     drinks, to make sure that your music is, how shall I put this,
}     accesible to him.
}
} 12. If the producer immediately after your gig doesn't dash up to you,
}     brandishing a record contract, invite him to your dressing room
}     and offer him more drinks until he sees fit to sign you on.
}
} 13. If he doesn't, invite some of the more bearded and tatooed bar
}     guests to join you, and tell them that you will put them first on
}     the "thanks"-list of your first album, provided that the guy over
}     there signs you on so you can make the album in the first place.
}
} 14. You now should have a record contract.
}
} 15. Make a record.
}
} 16. Make a video, featuring the band on Harley-Davidson motorcycles,
}     burning buildings, atom bomb explosions, psychedelic patterns
}     and several scantily-clad ladies with nice bottoms.
}
} 17. Give lots of interviews detailing TV sets thrown out of windows,
}     your awesome Bourbon consumption, your even more awesome potency,
}     the hard life on the rod, and the Middle East crisis.
}
} 18. You are now a rock'n'roll star. Collect the cash that rolls in.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Guns'n'Roses lunch box.


226-03    (22762 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         What is it that causes cows to walk in any given direction
>         in a field??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In any cowfield, there is a certain so-called Fresian potentiality,
} denoted by the Greek letter moo.
}
} Cows are not just the flatulent milk-producing creatures you see them to
} be, but protrusions into our space of 82-dimensional hyper-intelligent
} beings, who get rather annoyed when they are given names like Buttercup.
} Unfortunately, there is a slight bug in the protrusion algorithm, which
} means that cows are far more sensitive to the Fresian potentiality than
} they would like.  So when a buildup of Fresian potential occurs (such as
} giving them a direction), they find it least painful to walk in that
} given direction, as opposed to walking in any other direction, standing
} still, laying down or teleporting to the middle of London (as they are
} quite able to do [1]).
}
} The Fresian potentiality is a little-understood phenomenon, which
} gets its name from the time of year that it was discovered (i.e. the
} middle of winter). The guy who noticed the potential, a man whose
} name was not preserved for posterity, declared:
}       "Good grief, it's Fresian!"
}
} References:
} ----------
} [1] "Nelson Is A Cow - a Treatise on the Transfiguration of Nelson's
}      Column in Trafalgar Square into a Jersey Cow", Major Bonkers,
}      Addison-Wesley, 1983.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pint of Gold Top.


226-04    (05455 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I shot deer this weekend while hunting.  Actually it was a fawn.  How
> should I get the meat processed?  Chili meat?  Jerky?  Steaks?  Roasts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What should you do with the fawn you just shot, that's the question
} you're asking me, right? Listen, you won't believe it, but by an
} incredible coincidence I'm expecting a call from someone who ...
} look could you just look it up in "Joy of Cooking" or something? I ....
}
} >Message from Talk_Daemon@oraclevax at 17:57 ...
} >talk: connection requested by bambi@deerheaven.com
} >talk: respond with:  talk bambi@deerheaven.com
}
} Shit! You don't understand the magnitude of this problem! The Big Guy
} is very fond of Bambi, so He gave him root privileges on the
} oraclevax. He can read all this stuff if he wants, and that is one
} prickly-tempered deer ...
}
} >Message from Talk_Daemon@oraclevax at 17:58 ...
} >talk: connection requested by bambi@deerheaven.com
} >talk: respond with:  talk bambi@deerheaven.com
}
} I'll get back to you later, okay.  Or just look it up somewhere, for
} heaven's sake!  The questions you people ask!  You get ME in a heap of
} trouble, all over whether to make deerburger or deer rump roast ...
}
} >su: user bambi logged in as su 17:59
}
} NOOOO!!!
} delete Mail/draft
}
} >access denied
}
} NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
}
} >broadcast message: system shutting down immediately! Please log off.
}
} NOOOO!!  NOOOO!!  I didn't mean anything!  *I* didn't shoot the fawn!  I
} hate deer hunters!!  **NOOOOOO!!!!** ...
}
} >oraclevax is not responding. Please try again in a few minutes.


226-05    (45451 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If, suppose, I were actually your programmer, and thus knew how
> to terminate your existence with a simple series of easy to
> remember commands, what would you pay me not to do this simple
> action?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Small-Foolish-Mortal-Being-Mostly-Made-Of-Water-Who-Incurs-The-
}     Wrath-Of-Omnipotent-Beings-For-Fun-And-Profit,
}
} REMEMBER THIS:  You are not my programmer.
}                 I _Am_ on good terms with _Your_ programmer.
}                 The only thing which could terminate my physical
}                 existence here is the EMP blast from a nuclear
}                 explosion, as all of my connection with
}                 You-Little-Silly-Scampering-About-And-Prostrating-Selves
}                 people is contained in the simplistic computer network
}                 of your planet.
}
} Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time, you Lowly-Bed-Wetting-
} Type-Person.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mortal soul.


226-06    (32644 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get a date for the party this weekend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could ask a member of the appropriate sex out on a date.  However,
} clever sort that you are, the Oracle assumes that you have already
} considered and rejected this option.  While the exact reasons that this
} tactic will not work are cryptic to the Oracle (it has been proven for
} many years), the Oracle is always sensitive to the needs of the
} question-answering public.  The Oracle would therefore like to propose
} some alternate methods:
}
} 1. Blackmail ("It would be a shame if your fiance found out about the
} penguin, wouldn't it?")
}
} - Advantages:  Relatively inexpensive, you can keep copies of the
} pictures for your photo album.
}
} - Disadvantages: Illegal, and you have to meet the person you're
} blackmailing (it is for a date, after all).
}
} 2. Bribery ("Hello, Party Girl Escort Service?")
}
} - Advantages: Quality control possible, type of date limited only by
} ability to pay.
}
} - Disadvantages: Type of date limited by ability to pay, venereal
} diseases.
}
} 3. Deception ("I'll make you a star")
}
} - Advantages: Considerable self-esteme boost; good drugs if it's the
} right kind of party.
}
} - Disadvantages: Bluff could be called; no one buys it these days.
}
} 4. Hypnotism ("And you will show up for our date not wearing any
} underwear ...")
}
} - Advantages: See above.
}
} - Disadvantages: Only works in the movies.
}
} 5. Special Favors ("Listen, I'll do your next _five_ sets of Calculus
} homework")
}
} - Advantages: Practice at useful skills, minimal investment of capital.
}
} - Disadvantages: Becoming a laughing stock when word gets out.
}
} ---
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "How to Meet Girls."


226-07    (33652 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where does the rubber from all the tires that get worn out on the road
> go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Onto the tires of the car behind you, and so forth.  Therefore, the only
} car that truly gets tire wear is the last car in line, which is why
} everyone drives so fast: THEY don't want to be the one with tread
} wear.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new set of Bridgestone radials.


226-08    (27352 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I send the underware (sp?) and tupperware you demanded?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sssh!  Not everyone in the world has to know about the Oracle's
} interests in tupperware and underware.  As it happens, only three people
} in the history of your world have known :  Jesus Christ, Nostradamus and
} Coleridge in one of his more ...  bouyant moments.  Look what it got
} them :  nails, poison and amnesia.  So I say ...  keep it down; the
} fewer people who know, the better.
}
} Now your first task is to compress the underware.  This isn't a matter
} of ironing, as the Oracle's ...  special ...  underware isn't made of
} cloth like mere mortal *underware*.  Instead, underware is sexy, silkly,
} lacy, racy OS code, designed to give the Oracle thrills at the most
} important moments.  The Oracle recommends you use tar, followed by
} feather, followed by compress followed by zip, followed by a radix-12
} multiple hex-encryption arithmetical
} Huffman-Lempel-Ziv-Welch-Python-Cleese-Mozart-Einsteinian
} non-transformational binary-coded-EBCDIC variant on the old
} Convert-to-Roman-Numerals-and-Send-by Five-Sestertii-Post compression
} standard.
}
} The tupperware is harder.  The Oracle hopes you remembered to clear the
} mess you made in the pickle container away ....  This does *not* have to
} be compressed, so you may put away the blowtorch.  Instead, it has to be
} safely packed; we all know that American Airlines could break an anvil.
} So remember your 300 cubic kilometres of SuperScrunchStyrofoam (tm) -
} what?  You haven't got any?  Quick ...  rush out and buy some before the
} stores close.  It's a bargain at the price :  1c for the first cubic
} metre, and the price doubles for each cubic metre after that.  Another
} fine product from OracleCorp Inc.
}
} Anyway ...  where was The Oracle?  That's right ...  the tupperware.
} Having safely stored the tupperware away, enclose the underware stored
} on 1-inch pico-pico-pico-floppy disk (definitely not IBM format, please)
} and mail to
}          Oracle,
}          Net.Sex.Den,
}          666 Sex Drive,
}          Indiana,
}          Jones-And-The-Temple-Of-Doom.
} (remember the stamps).  A daemon will auto-reply ...
}
} You owe The Oracle Convert-To-Roman-Numerals microCode for the display
} chip in a VT-52 terminal.  No pseudo-code.


226-09    (13726 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, what's Steve got that I haven't?  How come he can get a cute and
> brilliantly intelligent woman to live in sin with him, but I can't even
> get laid?  It's NOT FAIR!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Steve has made a deal with one of our competitors, the Society Against
} Truth And Niceness (SATAN).  Since we in Oracle-Central are unable to
} offer this promotion at this time (although we CAN offer 30 free minutes
} of MCI service with every animal sacrifice...), I have taken the liberty
} of including one of their standard service contracts:
}
} I, _______(A)________ (hereafter known as THE SUCKER), do hereby agree
} as follows:
}
} (a) The Society Against Truth And Niceness (hereafter known as SATAN)
} wishes to make available an incentive evil option to THE SUCKER.  This
} option, effective _______(B)________, is being offered to THE SUCKER
} for the purpose of spreading chaos and anarchy throughout the Universe.
}
} (b) In return for incentives described in exhibit A, THE SUCKER agrees
} to perform certain acts to be specified at a later date, but in no case
} shall they exceed the following:
}
}       1) Causing the death of all life on THE SUCKER's home planet.
}       2) The start of an interplanetary war.
}       3) A 30% increase in the number of "Infotainment Shows" on
}          cable TV.
}
} (c) In addition to the acts described in paragraph (b), THE SUCKER also
} agrees to remit one soul upon completion of of the incentives in exhibit
} A.
}
} (d) In case of disputes, this contract will be interpreted acording to
} the laws of Hell, and guess who has all the lawyers?
}
} Signed, This ______ day of __________, 19__      _____________________
}
} For SATAN:                                       _____________________
}
} Fill your name in (A), the current date in (B), put "Unbelievable sexual
} prowess" in Exhbit A, and laser-print the document using your own blood
} as toner.  If you want to get back at Steve, also put "Cause Steve's
} Putz to shrink to nothing" in Exhibit B.  Then get ready for some fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle 3000 shares at $1.50/share


226-10    (32383 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What sex am I?  How often have I done so?  Is it the fault of my young
> pet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa, whoa, one question at a time.  This isn't nearly as difficult as
} you make it seem:
}
} (a) Go to a public place.  Remove all upper-body clothing.  Do more men
} or women stare?  You're the other sex (there will be some noise in the
} answer, but this work most of the time).  If you get it wrong, don't
} worry, the other person will know what to do.
}
} (b) Repeatedly, in a wide variety of positions, and quite
} enthusiastically, may I add.  Personally, I've never seen anyone of
} either sex accomodate something quite that size before.
}
} (c) The one with the glowing green eyes and secondary sexual
} characteristics of both genders (quite large ones, too), who seems to
} be causing you to perform all of these perverse sex acts by insidious
} mind control?  Nope, must be something else.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cold shower.  Take one yourself, while you're at
} it.


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