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} To solve your problems in a rational way, let's begin with asking
} the question: "What kind of people are sensitive, spritual, and
} filthy rich?" Authors? Poets? Artists? Maybe, but to become a
} rich & famous author/poet/artist you must spend lots of years walking
} rainy streets wearing ancient dark grey coats, drink cheap red wine,
} look haunted, smoke stinking French cigarettes, be generally miserable,
} and discuss boring things with other struggling authors/poets/artists
} while drinking black coffee from ridiculously small cups in cafe's
} with fat French accordionists playing in them. I don't think this
} is a solution to recommend. No, the correct answer is ROCK'N'ROLL STARS!
} A rock'n'roll star is rich, drinks a lot, gets laid a lot, can behave
} in just about any way he fancies and is, on top of that, considered to
} be a sensitive, creative person who appears on TV and says deep things
} about rain forests. So, all you have to do is become a rock'n'roll star.
} To do this, just follow the simple instructions of:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} THE ORACLE'S GUIDE TO ROCKSTARNESS
}
} How to achieve fame, fortune and the wrath of PMRC
} in 18 easy-to-follow steps
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} 1. Get some rock'n'roll clothes. Let the neighbor's cat play with
} your tightest pair of black jeans, patch them up and let the cat
} play with them again. Keep them up with a heavy-duty studded belt
} (which weighs about 14 lbs. but what the hey?). Next, find a
} black T-shirt with some obscure German rock group on it, like
} Amon Duul II or Einsturzende Neubauten. Cut the sleeves off and
} delight the cat once again. Buy a pair of cowboy boots (with spurs),
} and make sure to cover them thoroughly with mud before appearing
} in public. Your daddy's motorcycle jacket from the late 50's will,
} at least after a quick dip into a vat of sulphuric acid, match well
} with the rest. Round it all off by stealing one of your mother's
} scarves (the one with the amoebas on it), rip it in two, and
} wear one half around your head and the other flapping from your
} oh-so-heavy studded belt. And, of course, don't forget the
} shades. Day and night, indoors as well as outdoors. You might walk
} into things, or but you'll get used to that. Just make sure you
} don't confuse boys and girls, as this might hurt your image (unless
} you're David Bowie or Boy George).
}
} 2. Get a rock'n'roll hairdo. This is most easily achieved by neither
} combing nor cutting your hair for about two years, and then either
} dye it black or peroxidate it into a coma.
}
} 3. Get a rock'n'roll complexion. Avoid sunlight (and other light too,
} if possible) and eat as little as possible to achieve the right
} hollow-cheeked look.
}
} 4. Grow sideburns.
}
} 5. Adapt the rock'n'roll walk: One hand grasping a bottle of JD
} (or, if you can't afford that, a bottle of mulberry aperitif),
} the other hand rapidly shaking, fingers in the cliche' "heavy
} metal gesture with index and little fingers in the air, and
} walking sideways very rapidly while shouting "Wock'n'woll!"
} Be sure to walk in this manner whenever there's anybody watching.
} Just be careful so the spur of your boots don't get stuck in each
} other and make you trip, which would be _very_ uncool.
}
} 6. Form a group. To do this, find three or four other guys who walk in
} the same fashion as you do, and convince them to get some
} instruments. Make sure you get to play the bass, as that is the
} most simple instrument to learn, at least for the music style
} you will adopt. Try to avoid including complicated instrument such
} as harps, keyboards, harmonicas or xylophones, as these take far
} too long time to master.
}
} 7. Name the group rock'n'rollishly. A few suggestions follow:
}
} "Gore"
} "The Crotches"
} "Nagasaki String Quartet"
} "Quayle"
} "Teen Lust Werewolves With Leather Pants"
}
} or any polysyllablic construction with at least one four-letter
} word in it.
}
} 8. Write songs. This point may raise the question "What should the
} songs be like?" The answer is very simple and can be expressed
} in a single word: Loud.
}
} 9. Make demotapes, and send them to all the independent record
} companies and rock'n'roll magazines you can think of. Note that
} The Rolling Stone does _not_ count as a r&r magazine.
}
} 10. Repeat the step above until someone declares you "The most
} inventive psycho-thrash-cajun-house-hardcore-billy band since
} last month". Record contracts will begin to flow in almost
} immediately.
}
} 11. If this fails, you might have to play a few gigs. Make sure to
} play at bars where a famous record producer is known to hang out,
} and don't start the concert until he has had a fair amount of
} drinks, to make sure that your music is, how shall I put this,
} accesible to him.
}
} 12. If the producer immediately after your gig doesn't dash up to you,
} brandishing a record contract, invite him to your dressing room
} and offer him more drinks until he sees fit to sign you on.
}
} 13. If he doesn't, invite some of the more bearded and tatooed bar
} guests to join you, and tell them that you will put them first on
} the "thanks"-list of your first album, provided that the guy over
} there signs you on so you can make the album in the first place.
}
} 14. You now should have a record contract.
}
} 15. Make a record.
}
} 16. Make a video, featuring the band on Harley-Davidson motorcycles,
} burning buildings, atom bomb explosions, psychedelic patterns
} and several scantily-clad ladies with nice bottoms.
}
} 17. Give lots of interviews detailing TV sets thrown out of windows,
} your awesome Bourbon consumption, your even more awesome potency,
} the hard life on the rod, and the Middle East crisis.
}
} 18. You are now a rock'n'roll star. Collect the cash that rolls in.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Guns'n'Roses lunch box.
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