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Internet Oracularities #227

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Usenet Oracularities #227    (20 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 14 Nov 90 16:38:52 -0500

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227   20 votes 42a22 53651 36434 08741 02c42 31a51 21737 23852 04637 14375
227   3.2 mean  2.8   2.7   3.0   2.9   3.3   3.0   3.6   3.1   3.6   3.5


227-01    (42a22 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty oracle, I have pondered many questions in my time, some of
> which I really could care less about, like:
>
>  Where does my fist go when I open my hand?
>  Where does my lap go when I stand up?
>
> There is, however, two questions of utmost importance to me:
>
> Who are the Grateful Dead, and why do they keep following me?
>
> Sometimes I also wonder about what the thing my Aunt gave me is that
> keeps turning up after I throw it away.  Do you have any idea about
> that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me see... Grateful Dead following some guy... I could swear I saw
} something about that just a few millenium ago.  Where did I put that
} note...(shuffle,shuffle,mumble)... ah, here it is.
}
} Hmmm... this is mighty curious.  The Grateful Dead, of course, are
} simply the latest incarnation of Thankful Deceased, who in a prior life
} were the Appreciative Defunct, and before that Gratified Departed, the
} Beholden Demised, and way way back when man still thought using Roman
} numerials was a neat idea, the Not-Quite-Unhappy Gone-But-Not-Forgotten
} (this predates even "American Beauty", although not by much).  The
} N-Q-U G-B-N-F were, of course, the first true rock band... beating out
} the Rotating Boulders and the Jefferson Pterodactyl by a few years.
}
} The curious part is that YOU are the current reincarnation of the part
} of Jerry Garcia, and the current Jerry Garcia is a reincarnation of a
} past "Defunct-head".  In fact, all the members of the Grateful Dead are
} former "Defunct-heads", "Demised-heads", and "Gone-But-Not-Forgotten-
} heads"; you and five other individuals whose spirits contain the REAL
} essence of the original group are doomed to be forever followed by
} these incarnations of your past fans.  And, of course, all the rest of
} the current "Deadheads" have no choice but to blindly follow (most being
} incarnations of lemmings).
}
} A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE:  Do NOT, repeat DO NOT, try to contact the other
} five incarnations of the true band. I am not at liberty to elaborate on
} this point, except to say that a lot of effort and planning at the most
} high levels of the Cosmos was put into breaking the group up.  If you
} six should ever meet, it could be the end of mortal existance as you
} know it today.  (This has almost happened once before, during the Disco
} era, but everyone was too far gone to notice).
}
} Oh, that thing your Aunt gave you that keeps coming back is just the
} reincarnation of the stage crew... you are doomed to keep that too.
} Put it in a small box underneath a bowl of petunias, never feed it
} after midnight, and keep it away from small children...
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Blues For Allah" on CD and three naked
} female teenage "Deadheads".


227-02    (53651 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a Santa Claus?  If there is, can he be reached via the
> Internet, as you have allowed us to reach you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The oracle has taken its time to answer this question, since it
} required a great deal of research and exploration.  Several remote
} sub-oracle-units (little arctic robots) were sent to the north pole to
} check out the existence of the Man in Red.
}
}    As yet, they have scoured the northern ice cap of this planet, and
} have found no trace of the guy, nor his abode.  It would appear from
} this preliminary investigation that the said individual is conspicuously
} absent from the physical existence plane ho ho ho.
}
}    The literature makes references to the transportation device employed
} by Mr Claus goodness me, being in the main a set of twelve ungulates my
} dears.  Ho ho ho!  Whoa Rudolph!  And what would YOU like for Saturnalia
} little network user?  It would also appear that any individual who - How
} about a nice electric train set - spends enough time in the pursuit of
} Father Christmas begins to acquire the characteristics of ho ho ho his
} mythical existence, as is evident from the large number of Claus-clones
} ho ho hoing their way around cities during the 'festive season'.
}
}    You owe the oracle a stocking FULL of 486'es, database software, lots
} of chewy RPG compilers (yum!), and a car fridge in a Capri.


227-03    (36434 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wh d s ofte dro th las lette o ever wor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keyboard error - fingers dumped


227-04    (08741 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the words "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The words "flammable" and "inflammable" do not in fact mean the same
} thing. It was a communist plot started years ago to try to confuse
} local firefighters, hence the term 'Reds'
}
} Inflammable does in fact mean burnable, whilst flammable means that
} the item can be flammed. Flamming, of course, involves stiking with
} a flam. Since nobody has ever observed a Flam in captivity, the
} word fell into disuse, making it a perfect target for the communist
} plot. Simple, isn't it.
}
} Anyway, now that the Great Thaw has started, we needn't worry about
} that any more.
}
} You owe the Oracle a breeding pair of Flams.


227-05    (02c42 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: felton%sw01@uunet.UU.NET (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do pigeons bob their heads when they walk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a little known fact that the pigeon is a distant relative of the
} "dippy-bird"--that's one of those little birds, usually constructed of a
} clear round-bottomed flask and a red bird-like hard-foam-rubber head
} hinged at the waist, so it can boink, boink up-and-down.  Stick these
} babies near a glass of water, and it'll be bobbing until it evaporates,
} no joke!  Eighth grade teachers often use this little friend, as it
} loosely explains thermometers and gas laws, and its effects are quite
} mesmerising.
}
} As pigeons move forward, the liquid in their tail section cools down.
} As this happens, the fluid level in their gullet sinks down into the
} tail section, causing their head to rise.  As the liquid warms up once
} again the fluid level rises, and the bird bobs its head down.  Imagine
} the metabolic system of these little guys.  No wonder they go through so
} much waste material!
}
} The Oracle suggests several dippy-birds strategically placed around the
} house as "ice-breakers" for new guests.
}
} You now owe the Oracle a new statue of himself.


227-06    (31a51 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mightiest of Mighty Oracles,
>
> Is it true that playing music during sex can improve orgasms?  Which
> kinds of music are good and bad?  Where does bagpipe music fit in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well...  YES!  Music CAN improve your sex life.  The question of WHICH
} music to play, however, is dependent on you.  For some people, Mozart
} works best.  For others, Olivia-Newton John is better.  (However, NOBODY
} thinks that Wayne Newton enhances their orgasms) Let me give you a brief
} list of 'good' and 'bad':
}
} **GOOD**
} Enya
} Depeche Mode
} Peter Gabriel (and early Genesis)
} Select tracks from Zeppelin IV
} Any Classical music (baroque works best)
} Iron Maiden (STRICTLY at your own risk)
} Any slow jazz
}
} **BAD**
} Conway Twitty
} John Denver (unless you live in Arkansas)
} Village People (unless you're Erik Estrada)
} 'White Rap' (Beastie Boys)
} and the 'Dionne Warwick sings Cole Porter' album.
}
} Also, these are the 'good' and 'bad' for Lisa, net.sex.goddess:
}
} **GOOD**
} Anything loud
} Anything quiet
} Anything
}
} **BAD**
} Muzak
}
}  Where does bagpipes fit in?  Well, if you're making love to a Scotch,
} or to a Haggis, then bagpipe music will be beneficial.  To all others,
} though...  definitely not.
}
} You owe the Oracle a CD of "John Denver sings Enya" before I go to see
} Lisa tonight.


227-07    (21737 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm dying of an incurable disease previously unknown to science.  How
> should I spend my last two months?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At such times, it is important to remember that although time may seem
} scarce, a number of things must be done before you can properly decide
} what to do with your remaining time. The central question is, if your
} disease was previously unknown to science, how does your doctor know
} it's incurable, and that you have two months to live?
}
} Follow this checklist:
}
} 1)Ask your doctor for a second opinion.
}
} 2)Ask a different doctor for a first opinion.
}
} 3)Ignore both these opinions, sue your first doctor for malpractice
} and report your second doctor to the Better Business Bureau.
}
} 4)Report the Better Business Bureau branch office to their central
} office for corruption and collusion with local doctors.
}
} 5)Report their central office to the FBI for conspiracy to assasinate
} the president.
}
} 6)Explain to the Secret Service that your report to the FBI was a sick
} joke you were forced to carry out by the CIA.
}
} 7)Escape from the mental hospital, change your name and take up
} residence in New Mexico.
}
} 8)Hire a lawyer to sue the government for miscarriage of justice; now
} sue your lawyer for legal malpractice, and ask him to represent you in
} your case against him.
}
} 9)When the civil suite against your own lawyer comes up, plead not
} guilty and refuse to answer any further questions.
}
} 10)Upon readmission to the mental hospital, kiss the head psychiatrist
} full on the lips and tell him you're in love with the orderly.
}
} After you've completed all these things, you will discover that it is
} six months since your doctor told you you would die, and not only are
} you not dead, but you are comfortably set in a nice rent-free room for
} the rest of your days. Does the Oracle deliver, or what?
}
} Alternatively you could do the only thing worth doing no matter how
} little or long you have to live: go to Maui and windsurf the ten foot
} swells -- a one way ticket to Nirvana.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Mistral Screamer and a nice 7 meter racing sail.


227-08    (23852 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you feel me, Ded?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Running spelling corrector ...
}
} Question is
} >>  Can you feel me, dead?
}
} Running punctuation corrector ...
}
} Question is
} >>  Can you feel me dead?
}
} Running semantic interpreter ...
} Two meanings found:
} (1)  Can you feel me when you are dead?
} (2)  Can you feel me when I am dead?
}
} Running question answerer ...
} (1)  No.
} (2)  Yes -- if I outlive you.  And since I am the Oracle, I will.
}      But just because I can doesn't mean I will.  The Oracle has no
}      time for necrophilia, especially on bodies that look the way
}      yours will by the time you die.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to die while you still have your good looks.


227-09    (04637 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is water wet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Were water wet in outer space
} Then astronauts would simply shower
} Or bath and splash and lark apace;
} Instead in rubber suits they glower
} And wish that there were easier ways
} To soap their arms and sponge their face.
}
} Were water wet in glaciers
} Or icebergs huge, or snowfall deep
} Then missing would be frontiers;
} The lands we love and wish to keep
} We'd only view from gondoliers
} Or peering down from ends of piers.
}
} Were water wet in power plants
} Then giant turbines would stay still
} And with them all our stimulants
} Like TV set, eye-level grill,
} Strip lighting and refridgerants.
} We wouldn't stand an earthly chance!
}
} Of course you know, but didn't say
} You realise when water's hard or gaseous
} It gives our lives distinctive play:
} Both polar bears and penguins plenteous
} Can ski and skate -- in similar way
} We too slip up in daft display.
}
} So why is water wet. Well, think:
} You want a cup of tea -- with ice?
} When cold it is a filthy drink.
} You'd like a steam bath -- at what price?
} Real steam will make your skin go pink
} Then red and raw, or simply shrink.
}
} The questions go much deeper still.
} Why does it thicken, not contract
} When freezing on the window-sill?
} It disappears when hot: what fact
} Explains all this? Yet with goodwill
} We like to drink and have our fill.
}
} In three great states this H2O
} Guards life and health in all we know.
} No scientist can quite explain
} The way God choses to constrain
} This special molecule, quite snug:
} A glorious feature, not a bug.


227-10    (14375 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> yo!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see:
}
} yo (v.)   to go up or down (not both), hence ~-yo (n.) a toy that
}           goes both up and down (or down twice if the string breaks).
}
} !  (sym.) indicates to take the factorial of the preceding argument.
}
}
} !!!!!!!!!
}
} YOU ARE TELLING THE ORACLE TO GO TO HELL !!!!!!!!!
}
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} You owe the oracle an explanation.


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