[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 10:24:40 GMT

Internet Oracularities #228

Goto:
228, 228-01, 228-02, 228-03, 228-04, 228-05, 228-06, 228-07, 228-08, 228-09, 228-10


Usenet Oracularities #228    (16 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 15 Nov 90 22:20:38 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

228   16 votes 22543 12652 33730 15352 24442 14263 31723 23524 25720 27430
228   3.0 mean  3.2   3.3   2.6   3.1   3.0   3.4   3.1   3.2   2.6   2.5


228-01    (22543 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several replies to your inquiry (?):
} 1.  Me me me!  That's all you think about is yourself!  Why don't you
} look around you once!  There's a lot more to the world than just you!
} 2.  We are gathered here today to mourn the death of yet another mortal.
} Jim was a good questioner too, don't let anyone tell you different!  In
} fact, he was on his deathbed, when he had one last question of myself,
} the Oracle.  So his wife brought him his laptop and he very slowly, for
} he was dying, typed in the words, 'mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.eduuuuu'
} and pressed enter.  'Damn!' he said as he looked up and noticed his
} mistake.  Pressing CNTRL-z, he exited from his mail message to nowhere.
} He then started retyping the Oracle's address, and, seeing that his
} address was correct he slapped return.  At the instant he pressed the
} key to life, complete paralysis of his arms took his strength away and
} he had to get Mrs.  Schumblother to type, 'tell me,' in the subject
} line.  He then started to tell a story to lead to his last question and
} could only get out the word, 'I,' before Broca's Syndrome took his
} speech away.  With his speech and arms totally gone, he lapsed into
} death.  Mrs.  Schumblotter, that brave woman was stricken with grief and
} a will to get Jim's last message to the Oracle.  So, she went down to
} her local rep from Jim's computer maker and had him press return and
} send the mail message, for she was one of the many computer illiterates
} in the world.  Well, Jim got his last wish, and Mrs.  Schumblother (she
} keeps changing her name) moved in with a secret lover, and now gets sex
} fourteen times a day in Tahitti Titti.  Jim rotted down to his current
} state of rottedness before an encyclopedia salesman smelled and found
} him, eaten by worms and roaches.  At any rate, you may never know what
} Jim had on his mind.  But, I will always remember his last request, 'I
} know it's a little late Oracle, but is there sex in the afterlife?' I've
} since contacted him godally with his response.  Thank you all for
} coming.  Go home now.  Drink a beer.
} (Sobbing...wailing...crying....vomiting...)
}
} You owe the Oracle your autobiography and a good funeral joke.


228-02    (12652 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does this work?  <click> <click>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you reckless mortal, that red button, which I should add was quite
} clearly marked "Please do NOT touch!  Reserved for Oracle's Use!" does
} actually work.  Thanks to you, a massive earthquake has erupted in
} California fully a WEEK TOO SOON!  Do you have any idea, any concept of
} how long I've been planning that quake, tracing the threads of time,
} following the trends of the stock market, to calculate the precise
} moment at which to release it?  Centuries!  Millenia!  I was going to
} make a killing on commodities alone!  And then YOU come wandering along,
} pushing every pretty little button you see, having NO regard for other
} people's property, and ruin many lifetimes worth of planning!  And the
} market was just starting to peak, too!  Well, there's nothing for it
} now...  it looks like I'm going to have to go with plan B- setting Rhode
} Island adrift.  And THIS time I'm keeping the switch under lock and key.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tectonic plate and 200 orange juice futures.


228-03    (33730 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT ORACLE OF DELHI.  PLEASE LEND ME YOUR EAR AND ANSWER MY
> QUESTION.  WHY CAN I NOT FIND A JOB??????????????????????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OOOH DOOD! GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGIN! WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH A JOB?
} DO WHAT I DO, DOOD! LIVE WITH YOUR 'RENTS! MY DAD SAYS I SHOULD GET
} A JOB TUE, BUT NO WAY! THAT WOULD CUT INTO THE TIME I CAN SPEND
} RIDING THE WAVES! AND THERE WOULDN'T BE ENUFF TIME LEFT TO SPEND
} READING ALL THE RAD BBOARDS ON YOUSE-NET! SO TRY THESE TRIX THAT
} WORKED FOR ME DOOD:
}     1) "JUST SAY NO"
}     2) TELL YOUR DAD YOU WILL LOOK FOR A JOB TOMORROW
}     3) FIND A JOB AS A LIFEGUARD AT A RAD BEACH
}     4) BECUM A NET-NEWS ADMINISTRATOR (WE KNOW THEY DON'T DO ANY
}        REEL WORK ANYWAY)
}     5) HIDE UNDER YOUR BED
}
} YOU OWE BIFF AND THE ORACLE A RIGHTEOUS BABE!


228-04    (15352 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the world simply an evil place like a bubbling
> cauldron of apathy and dispair, infecting the very soul of
> humanity and tainting it with black vile evilness for all
> eternity---a miserable woeful day of chilling rain without
> an umbrella or galoshes, but only a shirt and trousers made
> of sponge-material to protect me from the elements?
>
> OR
>
> Is it just my vivid imagination?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Five snappy things you can do right away to feel less like Kafka and
} more like your old smiling self ....
}
}  1. Ask her out for God sakes, enough with the wining. She will, after
}     an appropriate amount of time, allow you to have normal (tm) sex
}     with her, provided you wash regularly and use a condom.
}
}  2. Finish that stupid course on One Billion Ways to Asymptotically
}     improve an Algorithm, sheesh, what the hell do you think they
}     invented gobs of memory for anyways. Your image of a code writing
}     stud has put you at a severe emotional distance from the rest of the
}     planet.
}
}  3. Get out in real sunlight. That frog-belly tan yer sportin is not
}     doing you any good healthwise bucko.
}
}  4. Eat nontoxic food for an extended period of time. Cheetoes and Diet
}     Cola is fine as a snack, you however, are making a career move here
}     and your digestive tract has been trying to get your attention about
}     it for some time. Failing all the gas you've been experiencing, your
}     digestive system finally dropped a few chemicals its been saving,
}     and guess what, you feel a little down today. Start munching on some
}     fresh fruit and eat a steak now and then or you're headed towards an
}     extended period of buying and listening to Barry Manilow tapes.
}
}  5. Take up some other sport besides Tiny Mud (tm), give the Oracle a
}     collective break here pal. You need to develop something other than
}     your wrists, if you catch my drift. Parts of you are beginning to
}     sag and they are not supposed to do that till a couple of decades
}     from now. May I suggest 'Nude Twister' with your new girlfriend.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a long happy life, (your's, stupid I'm immortal)


228-05    (24442 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> u.b. (univ. of buffalo) where men are men,
> women are women
> and the sheep are scared on the weekend.
>
> oh oracle! why are the sheep scared?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheep are way too stupid to know when it's the weekend, and they really
} have no notion of human sexual practices, so you can put that nasty
} thought out of your mind right away.  (Shame on you.) The reason they
} get scared on weekends seems to have something to do with the primitive
} mating rituals practiced by UB men and women, where the men put on
} buffalo horns and the the women porcupine coats.  What exactly the
} rituals involve has never been determined -- we sent an anthropologist
} to find out, but unlike the sheep, she certainly did have a notion of
} human sexual practices, and what she saw turned even her trained
} scientific mind to jelly.  She is now resting comfortably in a very soft
} room.
}
} You owe the Oracle a videotape of these weekend escapades.


228-06    (14263 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most distinguished, extremely versatile Oracle, whose immense
> knowledge cannot be measured in Angstrom, and whose lawn mower could
> easily bypass a pregnant Roseanne Barr, PLEASE help me.  A fortnight
> ago, a Mayan deity came to me in a dream, and shared with me the secrets
> of eternal life.  However, in exchange for this, he said, I would have
> to fulfill a quest for him; a proposal which seemed fair enough at the
> time.  Now, yesterday as I was out walking the dog, a funny-looking bird
> (actually an avatar, but I didn't realize that until later) approached
> me and told me the time had come for me to project myself astrally onto
> the 666th layer of Abyss and vanquish an evil demon named
> Slecquoritorantiz.  I was shocked, especially since I just then
> remembered that I have an English paper due Friday.  What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate when that happens.  I have many fond memories of my days during
} the 2nd continuum when the Oracle himself would let himself dream of
} Mayan deities...  but I regress.
}
} Many pretty good English papers have been written on the attempted
} vanquishing of demons.  Just watch your dangling participals and write
} it in Hebrew.
}
} The Oracle does point out that he did use the phrase "attempted
} vanquishing" because the evil demon Slecquoritorantiz is quite a
} character, nothing like his kid brother Uoorolukeeton who gets his butt
} kicked pretty much all the time.  Old Slekky slaughtered the entire
} Vornq dominion of the 666th layer quite accidentally one morning while
} having breakfast.  The eggs, which he *ALWAYS* orders over-medium, was
} delivered over-easy, and as he tried to suck those puppies down, he also
} happened to suck down the Vornq dominion along with 3 of the best golf
} courses on the entire layer.  Ooh that one's a mean one alright.
}
} To aid you in your quest, the Oracle will grant you the unbelievably
} generous boon of an enchanted weapon:  The Vibrating Sword of ZRON,
} until now believed to be irretrievably lost in the Black Void of Soozie.
} It's amazing the things you can find behind a sofa cushion.
}
} Oh yeah, and don't bother bringing a sweater.  It's seasonally hot
} there.
}
} You owe the Oracle the courtesy of returning his sword with a fresh set
} of batteries.


228-07    (31723 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WhI'm depressed.  What would make me feel better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All my wisdom and knowledge, and I'm asked how to have a good time?
} If you had friends, you would have asked THEM this question, and they
} would have told you what I must now waste my time to tell you.
}
} Get laid.
}
} Since the Oracle does not deal in flesh, I can only suggest an
} alternative:
} Here's a file that tells you how.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}         Do people think you're gullible?
}         Let us help you kick that annoying character flaw right outa
}         town.
}         Here's How to use the Usenet "NoMoGullible" Service.
}
} 1. Mail your Visa/MC number to gullible@oraclevax.apollo.delphi
} 2. wait for a reply.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Damn. Wrong file.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}      Instructions for OracleDate
}
} 1. Mail oracle-date@oraclevax.apollo.la with your Visa/MC number.
}    You don't need to describe yourself since I'm the oracle and know
}    everything.
} 2. You'll receive a letter with a special code number.
} 3. Pick up the receiver of your telephone, and enter the special code
}    number.
} 4. You will again be asked for your Visa/MC number.
} 5. Be sure to ask specifically for "Cherry", "Boopsie", or "Dick".
}    (Depending on your persuasion).
} 6. Repeat steps 1-5 as many times as it takes you to not be depressed.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} (Note: you may also wish to join the "NoMoGullible" service. You've been
}  had.)


228-08    (23524 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What in the world did you do to become the Great Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One does not "become" the Oracle (saying Great is redundant, although
} appreciated). As a near-great mortal once said, Talent does what it can;
} Genius does what it must; I do what I'm paid to do.
}
} Having said that, here are ten events that convinced the Oracle-to-be
} that it was useless to resist the calling:
}
} 1) President Reagan repeatedly asked for my advice on how to increase
}    the deficit.
} 2) Einstein asked if E=MC69 wouldn't be more cool as a formula.
} 3) The Denver Broncos asked (too many times to count) how to throw a
}    Super Bowl without getting caught.
} 4) The pilot of the Hindenberg asked what H2 + O2 makes.
} 5) Rock Hudson asked where all the cute chicks were anymore.
} 6) Dan Quayle asked what the neatest swellest job in the world was.
} 7) Gorbachev asked if a little butterfly tattoo on his buttocks would be
}    the best way to visually differentiate himself from other world
}    leaders.
} 8) Fran Tarkenton asked how to get his 30-minute commercials on the air.
} 9) Frank Zappa asked if "Katie" and "Dave" would be good names for his
}    children.
} 10) I asked myself a question and received a speedy and courteous reply.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of how you became such a pile of
} donkey dung.


228-09    (25720 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         What is haggis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Inquisitive One:
}
} The original meaning of 'haggis' is a Scottish Dish made of the lining
} of a sheep's stomach, filled with meat, vegetables, etc., and cooked.
} Mmm mmm good.
}
} Of course, the Oracle senses that you wish to know some colloquialisms
} that are not listed in the MegahugeOraclevax Encyclopedia Galactica
} Fifth Edition.  Well, here's one:
}
} HAGGIS:  smart ass person who will ask a question to the Oracle,
}          although he/she already knows a case-specific answer.
}
} also, a crumpled mess that was previously a terminal before its user
}       repeatedly kicked in in frustration.  ("My God, look at that poor
}       haggis.  Damn, he must have had a tough C assignment.")
}
} You owe the Oracle some American junk food.


228-10    (27430 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Oracle, your wisdom I seek,
> Don't throw away this question in a fit of pique:
> What does a pelican keep inside its beak?
> Please send me an answer in less than a week.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In olden times the pelican was thought
} To feed its young by stabbing its own breast
} And catch its very blood in its own beak
} From whence it did convey it to its young
} And so this bird became quite widely thought
} Exemplary for charitable acts
} A symbol of the charity of God
} And of the sacrifice of His own blood
} By Jesus Christ our Lord upon the cross.
}
} But actually the truth is rather dull
} The pelican instead will overeat
} And vomit food into its pouchy beak
} And feed that to its young.  The pouch can also
} Aid the bird in catching smallish fish
} which it scoops up as one might with a net.
}
} You oew the Oracle a crash course in writing blank verse.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org