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23 Dec 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:22:33 GMT

Internet Oracularities #229

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229, 229-01, 229-02, 229-03, 229-04, 229-05, 229-06, 229-07, 229-08, 229-09, 229-10


Usenet Oracularities #229    (15 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 17 Nov 90 11:08:08 -0500

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229   15 votes 01365 27222 30372 36321 21651 25431 04623 25341 04821 00339
229   3.2 mean  4.0   2.7   3.3   2.5   3.1   2.7   3.3   2.8   3.0   4.4


229-01    (01365 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I be Lisa for just a day?  Please, pretty please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  *poof*  OK, now you're Lisa.  My goodness, what large ...
} Never mind; you've got a busy day ahead of you:
}
} 07:30am: Wake up
}
} 07:45am: Shower, apply makeup.  Decide that you hate makeup, change.
}
} 08:20am: Get dressed.  Decide you hate clothing choices, change.
}
} 09:07am: Arrive just in time for your OBGYN appointment.  You've
}   brought along a set of woolen slippers so that the stirrups aren't
}   _quite_ so cold, an entire back year of _Scientific American_ for
}   the wait in the lobby, and an electric cattle prod just in case
}   the doctor even _thinks_ about using an unheated speculum on you.
}
} 10:22am: He did use the unheated speculum, but the cattle prod was
}   out of reach.  After a thorough and humiliating exam, he told you
}   that it was all in your head, women are often like that, and that
}   the visit cost you $127.22.
}
} 11:30am: Lunch, early.  Deflect pass from computer science dweeb.  At
}   least, you assume it was a pass: He came up, tried to speak (but
}   only stuttered) while staring at your breasts, hands shaking so
}   badly that he was knocking ice cubes out of his drink onto your
}   shoes.
}
} 1:00pm: Study in library.  Jock comes up, sits next to you, pretends
}   to study (you notice book is upside down), puts hand on thigh.
}   You move.  He follows.  You leave library.  He follows, but is
}   distracted by another female student in imperceptably shorter
}   skirt.
}
} 2:30pm: Drop off project in TA's office.  He tells your breasts (why
}   do men never speak to you directly?) that he might just lose the
}   project unless you gave him something to remember you by.  You
}   inquire if a sexual harrassment lawsuit would be sufficiently
}   memorable.  He turns red, muttering how women have no sense
}   of humor.  You leave.
}
} 2:45pm to 6:45pm: Work on next project in terminal room.  Excepting
}   stares (computer science types must grow up on a planet without
}   women, you decide), you are undisturbed.
}
} 7:30pm: You arrive back at home to find message from boyfriend
}   cancelling date.  You start running a bath.
}
} 7:50pm: You get another phone call from boyfriend, telling you his
}   plans fell through and could you two still get together?  With
}   a sigh, you agree, and let the water out of the tub.
}
} 8:45pm: He arrives, you leave for dinner.
}
} 10:00pm: You return after a pleasant dinner.  Necking on couch
}   follows.
}
} 10:15pm: Complete undress achieved.
}
} 10:30pm: He falls asleep.  You consider, but reject the vibrator
}   as being too noisy, and run a bath instead.
}
} 11:15pm: You fall asleep.
}
} *poof*  See, now wasn't that fun?  We have a special _seven day_
} package, if you're interested.  Hello?
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much."


229-02    (27222 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Recursive One,
>
> Tell me please is it true that Americans are truly as they appear on
> television (i.e.  perfect height, clear complexion, piercing blue eyes,
> never make mistakes, always can come up with humourous comments at all
> times etc.)?  If so, please explain Dan Quayle!
>
> How do I become as perfect then as these Americans?  Or am I destined to
> be relegated to being an imperfect Australian being?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle has not even had to ponder this question for it is the
} simplest of the simple in all its simplicity
}
} Of course Americans are exactly like they are on TV for America itself
} is mearly a TV set designed to feed the huge propaganda machine which
} has been set up to make all people in the world BELIEVE that America
} exists.
}
} In fact, America is nothing but a club of 10 men and 10 women who have
} designs on taking over the world through propaganda.  This is their
} thesus statement for a report they are giving to the UN (which is really
} based in greenland, not New York for NY doesn't actually exist)
}
} Who could believe that America is all a prop?  No one, but the oracle
} knows better and has the power to look past this fascade.
}
} their one error was Dan Quyale who really is a secret agent sent by the
} Russians to disarm the club and show the public once and make the world
} gape at its awsome power.
}
} Dan Quyale then is not, repeat NOT and american.
}
} To become a perfect American you must first attend months of Acting
} school and then call Merv Griffin Enterprises for an audition
} spot...audition tapes are requested.
}
} you owe the oracle one movie camara and an American flag


229-03    (30372 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most gracious and amazing Oracle, whose system architechure I am not
> worthy to contemplate, please answer for me the following humble
> question, the dilemma that has plagued my life, the key to (I think)
> eternal happiness and everlasting sweet dreams:
>
> How does it always know to rain the ONE DAY I forget my umbrella?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This of course precludes a whole discussion of what "to know" means
} with regard to "it".  I will let you in on a little secret though (but
} don't tell my manager) --- this whole rain deal is just an automated
} task which we have set up to run on a regular basis.  Of course, some
} bugs still remain.  The system in general and the task in particular
} don't really "know" anything about when it should rain, any more than
} it knows that when it gets a command to "ls -l" it should list in long
} format all non-hidden files in a directory, or that when it gets
} "rm -foo" it knows the person who entered it was a bonehead.
}
} Oh right, the rain.  Even Oracles go on tangents when you bring up
} these deeper issues indirectly.  Why the hell do you think we sit
} around on top of tall computers in cold machine rooms?  It is to
} contemplate these deeper issues in life, not to wonder why some people
} are forgetful and then think that system nature is out to get them.
}
} Oh right, the rain.  Sorry, this weed must be getting to my synapses.
} Helps make the mind lucid, to a point, you know.  I do some of my best
} thinking while under the influence of mind altering drugs.  Ask Jimi.
}
} Where was I?  Righto, rain and you.  Sorry I keep on going on the
} tangents, but I sort of consider my infinite thought to be much like a
} leisurely trip down a highway.  While trying to reach my destination,
} if I see a side road which looks interesting then I will follow it,
} eventually returning to my original path.
}
} ... which was about this rain deal.  You know, I just though of
} another way to represent transitions from one thought to another.
} Picture each thought in its own little cubic room, with exits on each
} wall.  While it might be readily obvious (perhaps from a fire exit
} map?) which direction to head in to get to the point, there are still
} numerous other thoughts directly related to it which are interesting
} to explore.  Well, interesting to me anyway.
}
} What?  The rain?  Why do you keep bugging me about that?  Sheesh.
} Like you'll melt or something, just like that witch in Australia
} (parts of which look amazingly like Kansas, you know, and even if they
} don't have flying monkeys there are a lot of short people there).
} Fine, if you'll go away then I'll give you an answer, ungrateful wretch.
}
} We have a special file in nature:/etc, in.raind.  It keeps a list of
} people we'd like especially to piss off my giving them a good
} drenching and each time someone forgets his umbrella, the rain servant
} gets a report about it and checks it against the list.  On days where
} greater than fifty percent of the people in the file have forgotten
} their umbrellas, the rain daemon lets loose.  So as it turns out,
} system nature is out to get you.  In variable it catches a lot of
} innocents, but He finds that amusing.  The standardisation committee
} still hasn't determined whether that behaviour is a bug or a feature.
}
} If it makes you feel any better, this Oracle doesn't even own an
} umbrella and is in that damn file.  Mother won't take me out of it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rubber ducky, a handful clueless earthworms on
} sidewalks and a pair of shoes which don't go *squish*.


229-04    (36321 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      What is the use of the traffic signs that read:  Do not pass when
>      opposing traffic present.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most traffic signs are designed not to inform you, but to induce a level
} of cognitive dissonance high enough to encourage (fnord) you to break
} the traffic laws out of sheer frustration.  This adds to the general
} revenue through fines and sales tax on brake jobs and tire sales.  Plus
} it adds a steady source of employment for motorheads in body shops.
}
} This simply seems a more sophisticated version of the same.


229-05    (21651 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do LP's turn at 33 and 1/3 r.p.m.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The reason for this is the simple but little-known fact that the
} inventor of the grammaphone, Thomas Edison, had seventeen fingers on
} each hand, but lost two segments of one finger on his left hand in an
} early childhood experiment with a bottle, some twigs and an enraged
} raccoon. He thereforespent his whole life doing arithmetic in base
} 33 1/3, which was as sensible an RPM to him as 10 would be to you. His
} well known enmity with Nikola Tesla was, in fact, not over AC versus
} DC electricity, but over whether 33 1/3 or 18 1/2 is the base of
} choice.
}
} Hi Ho, Silver, and a hearty tally-ho to mom, Cindy-Lou Flotsam, Clark
} Kent andall the other fine folk of Gotham City.
}
}
} [Oracle Maintenance and Repair: Standard Disclaimer     Form 1040EZ
}
} Due to technical difficulties at the Cross Universal Meta-Cray
} Workstation And Telecommunication ( CUMCWAT ) installation, the
} machine usually dedicated to your Oracle is not available. Until
} repairs are completed, a micro version of the Oracle has been
} implemented on a PDP 11-03 with 64K RAM and one 8 inch, single sided
} single density floppy drive.
}
} Since the parser, logic, and database for the Oracle require one
} million times these resources, the micro-version uses an adaptive
} extrapolating heuristic instead, whose results are not quite as
} reliable as the original Oracle's. Not even remotely as reliable.
} Let's face it, it spews out pure fabrication, and it would be a bloody
} miracle if it got anything right at all.
}
} If you decide to follow the micro-Oracle's advice anyway, we assume no
} responsibility for any loss or damages. But if by some wild stroke of
} luck you make a fortune off its advice, we assume full responsibility
} for that and expect you to hand over 97.5% of the proceeds, and don't
} make a fuss either because we've got photon torpedoes and a Death Star
} and you don't so what are you going to do about it anyway?
}
} CUMCWAT regrets any inconvenience these repairs cause you, but not
} much.]


229-06    (25431 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who can score more touchdowns than the great Heisman
> ...  Will Ga.  Tech beat Georgia this year?  What will be the point
> spread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Telemachus, my son!  There have been heroes within our ancient
} traditions who have accomplished feats mightier than the great Heisman.
} They have pillaged more cities, scored more (albeit sans pigskin), and
} run over many many more foes than have a measly little American.
}    Behold the fearsome Achilles!  He played for Akhaians in the great
} ten year rivalry between them and the Trojans, not of the USC variety.
} We're talking the real men of Troy, bronze spear carrying dudes who
} battled over a beautiful woman.  He is said to have been a runner who
} could outrace Zephyr, the West Wind and give chase to the mighty Lion of
} Nemea.
}    Then, forget not the great giant Ajax who defended the entire Akhaian
} ships by himself.  Surely no offensive line on the Georgia Tech or
} Georgia team can match that peerless accomplishment.  And consider, my
} son, the feat of Odysseus and Diomedes, who snuck behind enemy lines to
} carry off great prizes of war.  Not even the great Lawrence Taylor would
} have made more sacks than these men.
}    As for Georgia Tech and Georgia, Telemachus!  What delusions have
} seized thee!  The new change in conference schedules mean that they will
} not play each other this year!  No!  In fact, they are the newest
} members of the Ivy League, since the overly wealthy alumni have decided
} that they would like to watch some real football for once.  So Georgia
} Tech will play Harvard and Georgia go up against Princeton.  The scores
} will be Harvard 27, Georgia Tech 7, Princeton 14, Georgia 17.  The
} weekend after, Georgia Tech will play Yale.  The score of that game will
} be...  Yale 192, Ga.Tech 0.
}    You owe the Oracle a Harvard sweatshirt and a beautiful buxom babe
} who goes to Yale.  God (I mean Me) knows they need one.


229-07    (04623 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does it mean that Tech is now number 4 in the AP poll?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you have not specified where you are from, I cannot tell which
} `Tech' you refer to in your question.  So I will presume that you must
} mean the Technische Universitaet Wien, in Vienna, Austria.  Therefore,
} I will write the rest of this message in German, but since most usenet
} mortals do not speak German, I will send it to an automatic
} translation program that the Oracle just got for free in a box of
} chocolate-covered microprocessor chips.
}
} The AP round-questions has since many years a leading meaning
} indicator been.  Often, Highlytheoreticalresearchworkplaceplaces are
} at the top of it.  Now is the first time a technical highshoe has on
} the list been.  This reflects the great ahead steps in technical
} matters, especially computers, since the old days overexagerated
} claims about what computers could if the chance by people who no
} forsight have given was do could made were made been have.
}
} You owe the Oracle `1001 German Verbs' and a push-down stack.


229-08    (25341 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, thou great and might Oracle, whose cosmic halitosis moves the stars
> in their orbits, tell me:
> An acquaintance of mine doubts your existance: how can I prove your
> existance to him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just quote the famed philosopher DesCartwheel to him:
} 'I respond to silly questions, therefore I am.'
}
} And please don't mention the halitosis thing anymore, okay?  After the
} incident with the planetoid and the supernova I've cut waaay down on the
} garlic bread.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Listerine.


229-09    (04821 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, now that Ted Turner and Jane Fonda have announced their
> engagement, how will this affect the Braves next season?  or TBS?  CNN?
> Did he promise her a new network?  Will we have "Barbarella" reruns?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have clearly underestimated the impact this event will have
} on society at large. Of course the Braves will be affected. And TBS.
} And CNN. But that's just small fry compared with the effects you
} will begin to notice in a week or so, changes so vast and radical
} they may well change CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT!
}
} * Ties will get wider.
}
} * Penguins will aquire human rights.
}
} * Wearing a butcher's apron will be compulsory after 5pm.
}
} * The monetary system will collapse, and the only good currency
}   will be cans of diet coke (each worth approximately 200 Swedish
}   Crowns).
}
} * Dennis Hopper will be knighted.
}
} And yes, there will be Barbarella reruns. And, on top of that, 40
} new episodes will be made, directed by David Lynch, and cocatenated
} with Falcon Crest. In this sparkling new series, Barbarella will
} fight the evil mongrels of the evil emperor, played by the fat lady
} from "Bagdad Cafe" (whose name eludes me for the moment) and drop
} parts of her space suit on over 55 different planets. Prophesies
} say that this won't be as fascinating as in the original series,
} though.


229-10    (00339 dist, 4.4 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does smoking cause brain damage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The imperious, impervious, and impecunious Oracle will provide you with
} multiple answers to your question, at no extra charge.
}
} 1)  No. Brain damage causes smoking.
} 2)  No. Lung damage and heart damage usually get you first.
} 3)  No  iv smoked for teh last thurty yeers ad it hasnt damagd my brane
}     yet.
} 4)  No, at least no worse than taking hits off your car's exhaust pipe
}     does.
} 5)  No, as long as it's done by other people in other places.
} 6)  No. By the time a salmon gets smoked, it's already dead.
} 7)  No, unless your dad catches you.
} 8)  No, unless the smoking is done by a pistol aimed at your cranium.
} 9)  No, there's (*snicker*) never been scientific (*teehee*) proof
}     (*guffaw*).
} 10) No, smoking doesn't brain damage people. People brain damage people,
}     by manufacturing cigarettes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of scissors and a water pistol.


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