} Certainly. *poof* OK, now you're Lisa. My goodness, what large ...
} Never mind; you've got a busy day ahead of you:
} 07:30am: Wake up
} 07:45am: Shower, apply makeup. Decide that you hate makeup, change.
} 08:20am: Get dressed. Decide you hate clothing choices, change.
} 09:07am: Arrive just in time for your OBGYN appointment. You've
} brought along a set of woolen slippers so that the stirrups aren't
} _quite_ so cold, an entire back year of _Scientific American_ for
} the wait in the lobby, and an electric cattle prod just in case
} the doctor even _thinks_ about using an unheated speculum on you.
} 10:22am: He did use the unheated speculum, but the cattle prod was
} out of reach. After a thorough and humiliating exam, he told you
} that it was all in your head, women are often like that, and that
} the visit cost you $127.22.
} 11:30am: Lunch, early. Deflect pass from computer science dweeb. At
} least, you assume it was a pass: He came up, tried to speak (but
} only stuttered) while staring at your breasts, hands shaking so
} badly that he was knocking ice cubes out of his drink onto your
} 1:00pm: Study in library. Jock comes up, sits next to you, pretends
} to study (you notice book is upside down), puts hand on thigh.
} You move. He follows. You leave library. He follows, but is
} distracted by another female student in imperceptably shorter
} 2:30pm: Drop off project in TA's office. He tells your breasts (why
} do men never speak to you directly?) that he might just lose the
} project unless you gave him something to remember you by. You
} inquire if a sexual harrassment lawsuit would be sufficiently
} memorable. He turns red, muttering how women have no sense
} of humor. You leave.
} 2:45pm to 6:45pm: Work on next project in terminal room. Excepting
} stares (computer science types must grow up on a planet without
} women, you decide), you are undisturbed.
} 7:30pm: You arrive back at home to find message from boyfriend
} cancelling date. You start running a bath.
} 7:50pm: You get another phone call from boyfriend, telling you his
} plans fell through and could you two still get together? With
} a sigh, you agree, and let the water out of the tub.
} 8:45pm: He arrives, you leave for dinner.
} 10:00pm: You return after a pleasant dinner. Necking on couch
} 10:15pm: Complete undress achieved.
} 10:30pm: He falls asleep. You consider, but reject the vibrator
} as being too noisy, and run a bath instead.
} 11:15pm: You fall asleep.
} *poof* See, now wasn't that fun? We have a special _seven day_
} package, if you're interested. Hello?
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much."