[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:57:23 GMT

Internet Oracularities #230

Goto:
230, 230-01, 230-02, 230-03, 230-04, 230-05, 230-06, 230-07, 230-08, 230-09, 230-10


Usenet Oracularities #230    (18 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 18 Nov 90 09:45:20 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

230   18 votes 12744 34560 04383 44433 22383 35631 21483 21645 32652 06534
230   3.2 mean  3.4   2.8   3.6   2.8   3.4   2.7   3.5   3.5   3.1   3.3


230-01    (12744 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle,
>
>       I have a problem that I think you can help me with.
>
>       Why do people hate me?
>
>       Is it just because I took over one little country?
>
> Saddam Hussein

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tsk tsk.  Mr. Hussein, or do your friends call you "Sad"?
} What you have is and IMAGE problem.  You need an AGENT.
}
} See, where you went wrong is that you spent too little time presenting
} yourself as the paragon of good, and too much time killing women and
} children.  The latter is OK, so long as you have spent enough time doing
} the former.
}
} Unfortunately, it is too late to reverse the public opinion.  But next
} time, here is what you do:
}
} 1) pick the country to invade
} 2) create a scandal that depicts inhuman atrocities by that country
} 3) protest loudly for at least 5 months.
} 4) create yet another scandal.  many slow painful deaths should be
}    involved. (of your own countrymen, of course)
} 5) send a peace emissary to try to work things out.
} 6) organize peaceful protest and media exposure. come off as the
}    pacifist.
} 7) arrange to have your peace emissary assissinated (make it look like
}    they did it, of course)
} 8) start the rhetoric about "slow to anger, but anger we must.  we are
}    left no alternative."
} 9) by now at *least* a year has passed.  gear up for invasion.
} 10) invade 6 months later under the deep regrets of your nation.
} 11) weep profoundly over the deaths on both sides that would have been
}    needless if your enemy had not been so aggressive.
}
} ta-da! instant hero.
}
} you owe the Oracle East Bloc military aid.


230-02    (34560 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you know of anything more soothing than 'MR. BUBBLES'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   I am taking in acount that you're probably pretty new at doing hard
} core bubble bath shots, so I'll take you through the whole chain...
}
}   It usually starts out pretty innocent, without you thinking too much
} about it.  Usually you heard about a friend who tried it and you just
} figured - why not?  'Mr.  Bubbles' and 'Finesse shampoo' are what you
} could call 'entry ports', and neither is very dangerous in smaller
} quantities.  But!, then things happpen:  You find yourself coming home
} after work and instead of kissing the Misses, you head for the bathroom
} for that after-work shot to take you down.  Then you start doing
} 'uppers'!  Yes!  I'm talking about ( I know you've heard it before ) 'Mr
} Clean', YES, and various detergents and starches.
}   You then convince your wife that YOU would like to do the week's
} shopping and start hanging out at the grocery store every night before
} coming home.  You fill cartloads with goodies which you take home and
} hide under your bed and in drawers.
}   And then:  Your wife catches you snorting lines of bleach and leaves
} you the next morning.  You can't hold up your job and get fired.  You
} walk the streets and start breaking into people's homes, taking all the
} household chemicals you can carry.
}   You're at the bottom of the ladder.  You find yourself at the city
} dump searching through garbage.  You wake up in the morning and can't
} move unless you get an injection of Windex.
}   You die.  Problably an overdose of 'Drano' the medical examiner
} concludes after your autopsy.
}
} The conclusion?  Just say NO!
}
} You owe the Oracle a speedball, a tie off, two tenths of Chinese White,
} some sunshine acid, a couple of mushrooms, some peyote and some
} mescaline.


230-03    (04383 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I buy an original Escher woodcut, and how much can I expect to
> pay for it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is impossible to _buy_ an original, but they can be _found_.  Allow
} me to explain:
}
} Escher had a rather odd habit of hiding his works by putting them
} *within themselves*.  As you can imagine, this gives rise to great
} dimensional stresses and spacio-temporal distortions.  The result is the
} distictive 'warped' feel that most of his known works impart to the
} viewer.  It is important to realise that this is entirely caused by the
} autoencapsulation process and was not present when Escher was actually
} creating the drawing, carving, or what have you.  Because of the
} twisting imposed on space-time by all this, it is possible to find the
} original of any of his works in any copy (or print) of itself.  You may,
} therefore, obtain an original by proceeding as follows.
}
} Identify the points of maximum and minimum surrealness within a copy of
} the work.  The original should be hidden at one of these two places, or
} 180 degrees away (as the crow flies).  [NOTE:  this is, strictly
} speaking, true only for an infinitely big object - edge effects may
} introduce some secondary surreality which can, as the object tends
} towards finity, become dominant.  Experimentation is recommended in the
} very finite case.] When you think you know where the original is hidden,
} cut a small hole (preferably no bigger than the copy you are working on)
} and have a look.  If you were correct you should see the original
} masterpiece, as undistorted as Escher intended.  As finder, this is
} yours if no-one claims it within six months.
}
} WARNING:
} As detailed above, for finite prints it is possible that secondary
} effects have mislead you into opening the print at the wrong place.  If
} this happens RESEAL IT IMMEDIATELY.  If you don't, someone else may, by
} making the same mistake, inadvertantly open another copy at the same
} wrong place.  Both copies will then try to release their dimensional
} stresses.  Usually the one printed on stiffer paper will succeed,
} resulting in the flimsier copy, and anything nearby, being sucked
} through the hole and deposited where it ought not to be.  Having a
} library suddenly leap from a book and land in your lap can be fatal.
} Having the library you are sitting in land in your lap can also be very
} confusing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of Tardises, each inside the other.


230-04    (44433 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better, a strong easilly definable line, or a thin almost
> nonexistant one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Ah-hah, a context sensitive question. This mortal thought to ask a
}   question without the requistite levels of background data available.
}   Hmmm.  The best way to find out the context would be to ask someone
}   who knows what the question's context is.
}
}     Always go with the best, so I should ask myself the what the context
}     is.
}
} <Timidly> Knock Knock.
}
}  Excuse me, Am I busy at the moment ?
} ] Of course I'm busy, I'm always busy.
}  Could I spare me a moment?
} ] WHAT ?? Another one? I gave you one just back in 1602.
}  I know. I'll promise not to bother me again till 2001.
} ] Stop whining like that I'm geting my shoes soaked. OK, what do I want?
}  I need to know the context for a mortals question.
}  See it's the one up there.
} ] Oh, <Ponder Ponder> thats soooooo easy, its a line as in.
} ] "I Dare you to step over that line."
}  How'd I know that?
} ] I thought I told me, I dont reveal my to secrets to anyone, especially
}  ME.
} ] Now go away before I turn myself into a toad, for being impertinant
}
}   <RUN RUn Run run ... >
}
} Gee whizz.  I wish I didn't get all upset at myself over nothing, I'll
} have to try and talk me into another session with Siggie.  Now where was
} I.
}
} Oh yes.
}
} Obviously in this situation a thick line is the best, preferably several
} miles.  No one will do anything while you draw the line, and so you can
} run away, before the wise guy can do anything to you.
}
} You owe the Oracle the transcript of your first seven Psychiatric
} sessions.


230-05    (22383 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Ronald Reagan really a Muppet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Inquisitive One:
}
} In a word, no, Ronald Reagan is not a Muppet.  However, you have to
} understand the reason why Reagan is not a Muppet:
}
} When Ronald Reagan was shot way back when, he actually died.  Reagan was
} a great role model and morale booster as President, and would be sorely
} missed.  It became the task of several of Reagan's close, personal,
} government advisors to decide on a replacement.
}
} (Please pardon the Oracle for the oxymoron "personal government")
}
} This group of government advisors decided that George Bush was not ready
} to be President, because he might do something stupid like pick an
} Indiana college dropout to become Vice President.  And he also acted
} like a goof.  So it was decided that he best do his job outside the
} country.
}
} Meanwhile, Alexander Haig boldly stepped forward and said "I am the
} President.  I am in complete control." This would have been fine, except
} that Haig never asked the group of government advisors for permission.
} They didn't want Haig to make a habit of this, so they refused him the
} Presidency.
}
} With no other real alternatives, the advisors felt that it would be
} better if they had Reagan back, and portray him as the strong survivor
} type who could take a bullet and still live.  This would boost the
} American morale.  Unfortunately, this was impossible, because Reagan was
} firing striking Air Traffic Controllers from his Great Oval Office in
} the Sky.  Thus the advisors pondered, until one night, when a young desk
} clerk quipped...
}
} "Why don't you just get a puppet or something to take his place?"
}
} Ah!  What genius, the advisors thought!  This just might work!
} Immediately the young desk clerk was killed so the advisors could claim
} it was their idea.  A phone call was placed to Jim Henson, the one
} person the advisors believed could make a decent replica to the deceased
} President.  Henson's reply was:
}
} "What?  You must be kidding!  I only do REAL comedy."
}
} This is the reason why Reagan isn't a Muppet.  Henson wouldn't go for
} it.
}
} Instead, they contacted the people who run the "Hall of Presidents" at
} Disney World.  They complied, and the rest is history.  (Isn't it ironic
} how Disney now owns the rights to the Muppets?)
}
} P.S.  If you ever hear a government official joke about "that Mickey
} Mouse administration", now you know what he means.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Goofy's (I meant Reagan's) memoirs,
} preferably hard cover.


230-06    (35631 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello there Mr Oracle,
>       Another small message from Australia.  How do you manage to do
> this and still be allowed to stay at an institution of productivity ?
>       If you did what you are doing now inn America in Australia people
> would frown on you muchly.  well done for keeping it up !!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An institution of productivity, mind you, it's a nuthouse up here.  It's
} obvious you mortal souls have never been allowed even a glimps behind
} the curtains to get an idea of what goes on back here.  As for getting
} away with it, our organization is structured in a strict hierarchy, that
} means that the guys on top don't have a clue of what is going on on the
} lower levels where the communication with mortals is being handled.  I'm
} sure you are familiar with that there down under.  Do you know what all
} those sheep and kangaroes are talking about huh?  As for managing to do
} this, you don't really think I'm doing this all by myself do you.  First
} your question is screened at the DEPARTMENT FOR GOOD VICES.  If your
} question doesn't pass this department, you will be visited by one of our
} social workers paying you a visit in the middle of the night and giving
} you a vision.  That usually takes care of that.  If the question does
} pass the DEPARTMENT OF SILLY QUESTIONS your question will be send to the
} DEPARTMENT OF CHEAP GENIES AND PREPSCHOOL ORACLES.  If they are able to
} answer your question they will do so on their own and noone higher up in
} the hierarchy will ever be bothered by it.  If, as in your case, the
} question needs some deeper analysis, it will be send to the DEPARTMENT
} OF SEMI CERTIFIED AND OTHER UNRELIABLE INDEPENDENT ORACLES.  Mostly,
} they will be able to answer your question or pretend to be able to do
} so.  If there is however a question that cannot be answered by these
} guys, the question will be queued for processing by our allmighty ORACLE
} WHICH HANDLES EVERYTHING OTHERS DIDN'T UNDERSTAND.  There are only two
} questions that have been known to make it all the way up to this
} department.  However, the word is out that these questions might take
} forever to answer thus would in effect never be answered in the eyes of
} the mortals who asked them.  It is this case and this case alone that a
} mere mortal will be allowed to enter the priesthood of oracularity and
} become an editor in the DEPARTMENT OF SILLY QUESTIONS.
}
} You see, you almost made it to the top with this question.  The oracle
} now will end this reply because there will be a rerun of I LOVE LUCY on
} ORACLENET2 soon and I still have to pop the corn.


230-07    (21483 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I realise that the Oracle is one of the most infinitely good and wise
> beings in all creation, but tell me, deary, have you _any_ vices?
> Have you ever suffered from penguin lust?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How dare you accuse the Oracle of penguin lust!  Why, it
} frankly disgusts the Oracle to think that anyone could
} feel lust over a svelte, sleek aquatic waterfowl in
} the first place.  Why, if I ever had one in my vast,
} uh, hot tub, uh, I'd probably kick her right out.  No
} matter how much she pouted.  Well, maybe I'd let her stay long
} enough to preen her sensual feathers, um, and ... er ... polish
} that erotic beak on various parts of my body, but absolutely
} no more than that.  Well, the Oracle would have to be a gracious
} host and offer her something to drink, yeah, that's it,
} and help her towel off of course...
}
} Scuse me, I have some business to attend to...
}
} You Owe the Oracle an all-day pass to Sea World.


230-08    (21645 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me scummy Oracle,
>                       Is your I.Q. really so low that one must dig
> deep in order to find it.  Is your I.Q. really smaller then your
> shoe size?  Is it true that dinasours are more intelligent then
> the great oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, for once and for all, intelligence and wisdom are NOT the same.
} Did I ever claim to have a super high IQ?  No.  Only that I am
} omnicient.  To help you understand the difference, let's assume for the
} sake of argument that you, mortal, are intelligent.  Now, let us compare
} and contrast the two of us.
}
}            Supplicant                              Oracle
} --------------------------------      ---------------------------------
} 1.   Knows the e-mail address of      1.   Knows how to give a girl an
}      the Oracle                            orgasm
}
} 2.   Thinks his digital watch is      2.   Thinks the way Lisa puts her
}      neat                                  ankles behind her ears is
}                                            neat
}
} 3.   Scores high on IQ tests          3.   Scores often with scrumptious
}                                            young ladies with supple,
}                                            perf breasts and firm thighs
}
} 4.   Knows what Miss December's       4.   Knows what Miss December
}      measurements are from reading         tastes like
}      her data sheet
}
} 5.   Gets good grades                 5.   Gets good head
}
} 6.   Wears ties to keg parties        6.   Wears girls at keg parties
}
} 7.   Has a Casio fx-115M calculator   7.   Knows exactly how useful
}      for calculating hex, octal, and       inverse hyperbolic trig-
}      binary math as well as decimal,       onometric are at getting you
}      and can do inverse hyperbolic         laid
}      trigonometric functions faster
}      than any other calculator on the
}      market (comes with a carrying
}      case too)
}
} 8.   Thinks that it's from playing    8.   Knows the real reason your
}      too much tennis                       elbow is sore and your palms
}                                            are chapped
}
} So, foolish mortal, while you are busy insulting the Oracle by
} questioning my IQ, I'm having the time of my infinitely prolonged life.
}
} Who's smarter?
}
} The Oracle doesn't want anything you've got.


230-09    (32652 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise One:
>       Is it true that cows are really people who have changed their
>       physical appearance so they don't have to pay taxes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only some cows. You can tell the difference by looking into their eyes.
}
}                   (__)
}                   ($$)
}            /-------\/
}           / |     ||
}          *  ||-|--||
}             ~~    ~~
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete canonical collection of cows.


230-10    (06534 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am confused.  What year is it?  Someone in my office told me that it
> was 1990 but this can't be, because we have big IBM mainframes running
> OS/MVS here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In most of the world, it is 1990.  You appear to be stuck in local
} time-space discontinuity.
}
} The oracle has done some research on your behalf, and discovered a most
} disturbing phenomenon.
}
} Due to their large mass, IBM mainframes actually warp the space around
} them and slow or reverse the passage of time.  This is known as a "Blue
} hole." You must have passed too close to blue hole here in 1990 and been
} sucked back to 1968.  Check your sideburns.  Say "groovy." Do you feel
} silly?  If not, you are in 1968.
}
} Unfortunately, there is no known remedy for your condition.  Thousands
} of people every year are reported MISsing.
}
} You owe the oracle a stack of punched cards.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org