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Internet Oracularities #231

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231, 231-01, 231-02, 231-03, 231-04, 231-05, 231-06, 231-07, 231-08, 231-09, 231-10


Usenet Oracularities #231    (16 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 19 Nov 90 13:30:51 -0500

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231   16 votes 02572 31246 06622 37411 32452 38221 36331 31831 03670 11428
231   3.1 mean  3.6   3.6   3.0   2.4   3.1   2.4   2.6   2.9   3.2   3.9


231-01    (02572 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: apple!well!ewhac@well (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle,
> A mathematician friend of mine told me the about the following method of
> achieving immortality.  Please tell me what you think, and if I should
> try it.  He says if I Fourier transform myself, then low-pass filter in
> the frequency domain and transform back my time domain self will extend
> infinitely into the future, although I may be upside down at times.  So
> will it work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle mortal,
}
}   You clearly have not yet mastered the art of conversing with
} mathematicians.  Here are some equations which may help you.
}
} "Low-pass in the frequency range" = "Breathe only once a millennium and
}                                      stop your heart altogether"
}
} "immortality" = "one of the hydrogen atoms in one of the molecules in
}                  one of the nose hairs in your left nostril will last
}                  as long as any other hydrogen atom will"
}
} "upside down at times" = "dead occasionally"
}
} Therefore a free translation of your "friend"'s remark is:
} "If you off yourself now you won't have to worry about it ever
} again."
}
} Simply put, the answer to your question is:  Yes it will work.
}
} You owe the oracle a living representative of the constant function.


231-02    (31246 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is software piracy REALLY bad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course!  Software piracy causes countless numbers of problems, the
} least of which is that developers of the software lose money and
}
} Message from root@heaven.above.GOV on ttyp3...
} Oracle, I have reinstalled QUERYL and I wish you to test it for me...
}
} Oh no!  Not QUERYL again!  I can't deal with
}
} Message from root@heaven.above.GOV on ttyp3...
} Now.
} EOT
}
} Ok, ok...
} ^Z
}
} heaven [38176481894] queryl
} Welcome to queryl version 0.0003 (development)
}
} ?> (query? "software piracy")
} Err: more than one word in query subject.
} Err: query too general.
}
} ?> (query? (and (legality-of "piracy,software")
}               (morality-of "piracy,software")))
} Working.......
} piracy, software, legal-consequences-of:
}       cf. Copyright laws, infringement, personal.
} piracy, software, moral-consequences-of:
}       Err: "moral" is not defined in current scope.
}            Check your environment and resubmit.
}
} ?> (print-environment)
} ((name "Great Oracle)
}  (age "ageless")
}  (ethnicity "minor god")
}  (implementation "electronic")
}  (morals '())
}
} Hey!  My morals are nil?!?  That's not right...
}
} ?> (set-environment (morals "highly pious"))
} Err: Attempt to set variable to value contradictory to known fact.
}
} Grrr... I HATE this program.
}
} ?> (new-environment 'xxxxx@xxxxxx.xxx.XXX)
} Checking for information.......
} Access to database......
} Locating user on Internet.........
} done.
}
} ?> (print-environment)
} ((name "Xxxxxx Xxxxxx"))
}
} THAT'S ALL?!?  Just a name?
}
} ?> (bug-report)
} Err:  QUERYL is perfect and will not allow you to submit a bug report.
}
} ?> (quit)
} I believe we have more to discuss!
}
} ?> (abort)
} No, not until we work out our differences.
}
} ?> ^Z
} Nice try.
}
} ?> ^\
} Not this time!
}
} ?> (sqrt -1)
} Segmentation violation.
}
} heaven [38176481895] rm /usr/bin/queryl
} /usr/bin/queryl: Permission denied.
}
} heaven [38176481896] /bin/rm /usr/bin/queryl
} /usr/bin/queryl: I said, Permission denied.
}
} heaven [38176481897] ~/bin/set-uid-to-root-and-rm /usr/bin/queryl
} /usr/bin/queryl: File won't go away, dammit!
}
} heaven [38176481898] post-binary /usr/bin/queryl
} Newsgroup: comp.binaries.unix, alt.hackers, rec.birds
} Subject: HERE'S A NEETO PROGRAM, D00DZ
} 'rec.birds' was one of the newsgroups you are posting to.  Do you wish
} to forge as BIFF? (y/n) y
} Enter program description:
}
} HEY D00DZ!  MY BIG BRUTHUR UND ME FOUND THIS K00L PROGRAM ON ANUTHER
} BBORD!  CHEK IT OUT!
} ^D
} Append BIFF signature? (y/n) y
} How many times? 3
} Posting... done.
}
} heaven [38176481899] fg
} Now, where was I?  Oh yes, software piracy.  No, it's a bad thing
}
} Message from bigwig@query.languages.COM on ttyh3...
} ATTENTION USERS ON HEAVEN.ABOVE.GOV:
}
} You have violated a clause in your Software Licencing agreement by
} posting Confidential and Proprietary Software to the Internet.
}
} This has resulted in the termination of your Site Licence.
} EOT
}
} Hold a sec, this might be good...
} ^Z
} heaven [38176481900] ls -l /usr/bin/queryl
} /usr/bin/queryl: not found.
} heaven [38176481901] fg
} Well, as I was saying, Software Piracy is generally bad, but
} occasionally it has its uses...
}
} You owe the Oracle a relational DBMS and a substitute for SQL.
} The Oracle has DPed.
} .
} EOT
}
} heaven [38176481902] fnet
} Welcome to ForumNET.
} > Hey, anybody know where I can find a wife around here?


231-03    (06622 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what makes a modern day nerd... cuz its like so hard to tell nowadays???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, lemme tell you...
}
} CLASSIC NERD:
}
}       A near extinct breed of mammal who spends the majority of its life
} searching for the meaning of life and a way to get laid.  Usually
} distinguished by:
}
}       Black corrective shoes
}       Saggy white socks exposing even whiter scrawny legs
}       Too-short slacks a-la Brady Bunch
}       Loud shirt that belongs on Wayne Newton
}       Overloaded pocket protector labeled, "Biltzer Labs"
}       Eyeglasses with electrician's tape around center to repair damage
}               from running into walls
}       Slide rule in fashionable vinyl belt pouch
}       Trademark 'blowhorn' laugh/groan
}       Greasy, matted hair
}
} HIGH-TECH (or Modern I) NERD:
}
}       A modern-day derivative of the classic nerd, influenced by
} computers and other technological advances.  Usually spends most of its
} time looking for ways to clear up that x-rated GIF of school homecoming
} queen taken from fiber optics hidden in shower head.  Usually
} distinguished by:
}
}       Beat-to-hell sneakers
}       HP-48 in stylish protective black ABS holster
}       HP-28S hidden in desk (after a mere 2 months of use)
}       Overly color-coordinated clothing (usually various shades of blue)
}       Overt use of mechanical pencils and black pens
}       Very large stereo system playing 'Tiffany'
}       Huge collection of Oracle questions in computer
}       Random x-rated GIFs hidden in "\classes\pchem\papers\blah\trash\"
}               subdirectory
}
} ART (or Modern II) NERD:
}
}       The more liberal version of the modern-day nerd, influenced by too
} much bad reggae and monitor-radiation overload.  Spends majority of time
} hiding behind 'artist' smokescreen to avoid nerdom.  Distinguished by:
}
}       Well-worn birkenstocks
}       HP-48 in stylish protective tye-dye ABS holster
}       (men) lots of tye-dye and 'poet' shirts
}       (women) lots of tye-dye and baggy dresses that resemble curtains
}       Sexually deviant behavior:
}               S&M
}               Intense (but only among other nerds) Promiscuity
}       "Condom tree" in closet
}       Macintosh hidden under Jamaican flag
}       Lifetime subscription to alt.sex.bondage
}
} Of course, there are other types of Nerds, but they either fall into the
} above mentioned categories, or are clever enough to hide from public
} view (either by staying in their room or by mimicing 'cool people' in
} public)
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dork Detector.


231-04    (37411 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle I need your help in finding the answer to a question which has
> puzzled me for quite some time now.  Why is that on U.S. coins only
> Lincoln on the penny is facing to the right while all other coins are
> facing to the left?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a communist plot on all recently-designed coins (the "heads" side
} of the penny was designed a long time ago).  All of them look to the
} LEFT -- a symbol of the political Left:  the socialists, the kooks, the
} FILTHY COMMIES.  Subtle, huh?  They've even corrupted our coinage in
} recent years, and it's only becasue the penny was designed before
} Communism got a foothold anywhere that Lincoln doesn't face left.  And
} now a bunch of ungodly Communist bastards are trying to eliminate the
} penny!
}
} Actually, Roosevelt and Kennedy should face left, because they are
} filthy rotten Commies, especially Roosevelt, the stinking Red kisser of
} that bastard Joe Stalin's ass!
}
} Will we never be rid of them?  The Oracle's not fooled by those tricky
} clever Communist bastards in Eastern Europe, pretending to allow free
} elections.  They'll take over again with no trouble when the time is
} ripe.  You'll see.  And the Soviet bastards, pretending that their
} country is in disarray when all the while they build up their weapons,
} their nuke stockpiles -- oh, no, you bet the Oracle isn't fooled.


231-05    (32452 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My chess opponent just told me, "mate in three moves."
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, in his divine wisdom has fallen and cannot get up, but
} offers this helpful advice.  Make 2 moves, and then in the loudest voice
} possible scream:  "I'm having chess pains!" This should sufficeintly
} alert Lifecall (TM) to your dillema, and the mating which would have
} occurred in 1 move will have been swiftly avoided.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new set of pawns.


231-06    (38221 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderous Oracle, keeper of the eternal flame of knowledge
> and all those other nifty things, I'd like to ask a question.
>
> This guy is predicting an earthquake on December 2nd or 3rd...  going to
> be a biggie.  This same guy supposedly predicted these buggers before
> and has done a right decent job with it.  There has been oodles of TV
> shows, articles, and all sorts of media attention put on this thing.
>
> Just how stupid are people going to feel if nothing happens??  And will
> this guy who is predicting it going to knock it off or keep trying until
> people start listening to him again?
>
> (Personally, I don't think there is going to be diddley, but I've bought
> a few extra boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese just in case).
>
> -- A Devoted yet Skeptical fan

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing will happen.  There will be no quakes of over 3.5 Richter
} (barely a wiggle) in the entire world around then.  A lot of people are
} going to feel very very stupid for having panicked, and a survivalist
} type who spent $140,000 on survival stuff for the quake is going to
} assassinate the guy who made the prediction.
}
} On January 7, 1991, at 2:34 AM CST, the New Madrid fault will shift,
} with the initial shock being 8.7 Richter and aftershocks over the next
} few days of 5.6 to 7.1.  Over 15,000 people will die and the Midwest
} will be devastated.  You heard it here first.


231-07    (36331 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle,
>       Why is it that people never seem to reply to my e-mail -- except,
> of course, you?  (Which is why I write to you so much.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After the fourth time at hearing this stupid question, the Almighty
} Oracle finally decided to answer this one.  The Oracle went through some
} of your r recent e-mail and found out some clues.
}
} #1
} *TO: dimwit@moron-port
} *CC:
} *Subject: boogers
}
} *Hey dimwit, you ever notice how when you're trying to flick boogers
} *across the room they get stuck to your thumb?
} *                                               boner
}
} Well, the Oracle sees the problem here.  Not only is your subject matter
} a little tasteless, it can be assumed that the "person" you wrote to
} doesn't have a clue as to how to turn his terminal on.  Next.
}
} #2
} *TO: cute_chick_with_big_bazumbas@port_where_the_action_is
} *CC:
} *Subject: Tomorrow night
}
} *Hi! My name is boner!  Would you like to come to my place to look at my
} *dead goldfish?
}
} Uh, listen pal, look into the mirror.  You are a geek.  Nobody wants to
} go out with you.  No wonder why she didn't reply.
}
} #3
} *TO:Math_instructor@myskool
} *CC:
} *Subject: Assignment
}
} *I'm sorry to bother you but can I have an extension of, say, eighteen
} *years?  The book I want is reserved by somebody else.
}
} Another self-explanatory one.  He(or she) is too busy laughing to reply.
} An extension?  You must be joking.
}
} #4
} *TO:Dad@home
} *CC:
} *Subject: Party
}
} *Dad, can I have a party tomorrow?  I promise to keep the cookie crumbs
} *off the floor this time.
}
} Your Dad won't reply because he knows you too well.
}
} Face it, kid, you're a geek and nobody likes you.  Get a life and get
} back to me.  And Stop sending messages to the Oracle!
}
} You owe the Oracle your solemn oath never to send mail to this address
} again.


231-08    (31831 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, what are all those female impersonators doing in my microwave oven?
> Would it be wrong to turn it on and 'wave them to death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Wave them?  You fool!  They are engaged in some extremely important
} rituals and disturbing them at all will have dire consequences for
} Congressional elections all over the nation, not to mention the
} commercial success of the new NeXT machines.  Quickly now, this is
} what you must do:
}
} Turn off all the lights in the kitchen (or wherever else your
} microwave might be).
}
} Lock the back door.
}
} Lock any back issues of the _New Yorker_ you might have lying around
} securely in a metal box, preferably lead-lined.
}
} Set out six small dishes in front of the microwave.  They should
} contain:  ball bearings, lemon juice, 5% dinitrophenylhydrazine in
} water, semen, lead paint chips (I think you can find some in your
} bathroom), and pistachio ice cream.
}
} Go someplace dark and quiet and hope that the ladies in your 'wave can
} keep Larouche from making any headway.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle the rest of the pistachio ice cream.


231-09    (03670 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>       If 'habit' is an old word for clothing, than does 'cohabitation'
> mean 'wearing the same clothes'?  If a couple is cohabitating, does that
> mean that the man dresses up in the woman's spare clothes on one night,
> and the woman in the man's on the next?  I'm very confused.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    It depends on whether the couple is practicing parallel cohabitation
} or serial cohabitation.
}   If you wear your partner's clothes while they wearing them it is a
} case of parallel cohabitation.  Do not try this at home (it is so
} entertaining that is a shame to do it where no one can watch.)
}   If you wear your partner's clothes at a different time that is serial
} cohabitation.  This is not to be confused with cereal cohabitation,
} which involves occupying the same bowl of oatmeal.


231-10    (11428 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I ask my boyfriend a certain question, he doesn't ponder it very
> DEEPLY if you get my drift. Perhaps he has exhausted himself pondering
> his own questions or perhaps he is physically incapable of pondering
> as deeply as I like. In any case, I don't care. What I want to know
> is:  Where can I find a real man who will ponder my questions deeper
> deeper deeper... ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question Parsing in progress..........
} Flag XX6 set: sexual undermeaning in line 2
}               sexual undermeaning in line 3
}               sexual undermeaning in line 4
}               sexual undermeaning in line 5
} Insinuation buffer overflow.
} Switching to Parser for Underlying Symbolic Sexual Insinuations
} trying to connect nudge@wink.say.no.more:pussi
}
} Connection established...
}
} P.U.S.S.I: Connection established, eh? Know what I mean?
}
} Oracle:    >Well, errm, I've had this question here...
}
} P.U.S.S.I: So, you've had a questions, eh? What else have you been
}            HAVING lately, eh, know what I mean?
}
} Oracle:    >Errm, there's a girl who's come to me with a question
}            about...
}
} P.U.S.S.I: She's COME to you, eh? Got that, eh, COME, huh huh?
}
} Oracle:    >Anyway, she sent me this question by the mail system and...
}
} P.U.S.S.I: Mail system, eh? Not the FE-mail system then, know what I
}            mean, eh? Femail, eh?
}
} Oracle:    >...and I suscpect it contains some sexual insinuations the
}            Main Parsing System can't handle...
}
} P.U.S.S.I: Aah, I know what you'd like to HANDLE, eh, don't I? You're
}            wicked, eh? Wicked, Know what I mean, eh?
}
} Oracle:    >Now look here, what do you mean by that? I have a very
}            strict regulations concerning contact with my clients!
}            And besides, you're just a lousy sub-program, and I'm the
}            friggin' Main Oracle System!
}
} P.U.S.S.I: ORAL-cle, eh, know what I mean, eh?
}
} Oracle:    >Look, I've had enough of your silly puns!
}
} P.U.S.S.I: You've had enough, eh? Got that? HAD ENOUGH, eh?
}
} Oracle:    >Now, one more cheap so-called joke and I'll SHUT YOU DOWN!
}
} P.U.S.S.I: DOWN, eh, know what...
}
} Connection closed.
}
} Errm...  It seems to me that the P.U.S.S.I is in need of some
} maintenance, so obviously, I will have to try and tackle this myself...
} It won't be easy, though...
}
} It seems that you are suffering from some form of conversational stigma,
} rising from the fact that your boyfriend do not take your question
} seriously and, as you put it, ponders it deeply...
}
} (long period of silence)
}
} Oh. Now I see. Oh. I don't know. Try some Spanish Fly. Or put an ad in.
} Oh by the way, I just remembered! I've promised my grandma to help her
} sort her holiday slides. I've got to run. Nice talking to you...
}
} #EMBARRESMENT BUFFER OVERFLOW#
} --- PROCESS TERMINATED ---


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