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Internet Oracularities #232

Goto:
232, 232-01, 232-02, 232-03, 232-04, 232-05, 232-06, 232-07, 232-08, 232-09, 232-10


Usenet Oracularities #232    (15 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 20 Nov 90 08:55:37 -0500

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232   15 votes 05442 14523 13443 12624 11841 34341 34323 13524 22542 15603
232   3.1 mean  3.2   3.1   3.3   3.4   3.2   2.7   2.9   3.3   3.1   2.9


232-01    (05442 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All my files go when I use move and misspell a directory name.  They
> just dissapear.  Maybe they don't like me??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well files are very sensitive that way.  It's bad enough that you want
} them to move -- when you can't even be bothered to spell their
} destination properly, that really hurts their feelings.  Usually they
} leave your directories altogether and go to /tmp/mom_s/house for a
} while.  The best thing to do is to relay a message through a mutual
} friend, like the mail daemon, and tell your files you realise that
} you've been an insensitive brute, and if they only come back you'll
} always remember their creation dates, and try to edit them with only the
} tenderest of word-processors.  And next time, think before you act.  If
} you treat your files as if they're just your property, just inanimate
} *things*, they'll leave you for good.


232-02    (14523 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is that noise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What noise?  Oh, the noise that was but a moment ago just a faint
} whirring, but has now built to a steady, ominous grinding noise?
} The noise accompanied by screams, cries, and howls of terror?  The
} sound that just for a moment one might think is the sound of huge
} metallic claws on concrete, grinding their way through the earth
} to come and claim an unholy sacrifice?  That noise?
}
} Don't worry about it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good pair of headphones.


232-03    (13443 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, I've got Rebecca's brain out of her skull, and I'm ready to
> remove Lizzie's and put it into Rebecca's head.  But I'm having qualms
> about this.  I really should have told Lizzie beforehand that I was
> going to transplant her brain into the body of a girl of twenty.  I
> really should put Rebecca's brain into Lizzie's head, but it's going
> to be enough trouble connecting Lizzie's into Rebecca's, and anyhow
> I've made no provisions for keeping another brain alive.  O Oracle,
> what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle wonders, first of all, what the hell are you doing??  It is
} well understood, or so we thought, that most females, especially the
} ones in the twenty year old range, are most commonly found (not to
} mention most functional) when they are sans brain.  But you asked the
} Oracle for assistance and assistance you shall receive.
}
} To the Oracle, it sounds like you could use some more time.  You need to
} keep Rebecca's brain alive, but not active.  A time honored method for
} doing this is to enroll it in a college Computer Science curriculum and
} make it take Data Structures and/or Algorithms.  That should keep it
} SOUND asleep for the entire duration of the operation.  At the same
} time, start explaining compiler construction to Lizzie.  Make sure you
} spend 10 or 15 minutes on it to be certain she goes out as well.  I know
} it'll be painful for you, but trust me.  Just as she's going out, slip
} in a line like "Oh, by the way, I'm going to transplant your brain.  If
} that's OK, snore or groan softly." If everything is working correctly,
} she'll go along with it.
}
} After making sure that both subjects have been prepared, the actual
} transfer is trivial.  See "Gray's Anatomy" for details, and remember to
} use BrainGlu(tm) by Mindco Enterprises.  "BrainGlu(tm) -- when you want
} to make the idea stick!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Young Frankenstein" on VHS, and "Head
} Games" by Foreigner on CD.


232-04    (12624 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and omniimpotent Oracle, why do people enjoy orgasms so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is so silly of you to attribute such a patently human condition as
} impotence to me that I'm not even going to get mad at you.  I mean, I
} suppose I could reciprocate by applying computer terminology to you,
} and asking which of your micro-organs (of which you must have many if
} you really need an answer to this question) you used to come up with
} the idea of asking me this. But I'm feeling mellow, so I'll just tell
} you.
}
} In case you haven't noticed yet, most of life as a biological being
} sucks.  Now if you're an amoeba, whether to reproduce or not is not a
} great issue for you. But as a human being, why should you bring
} another poor soul into this chaotic mess? To avoid the extinction of
} the species Mother Nature had to motivate you people to reproduce, and
} her choices were, roughly speaking:
}
} 3) Imbalance your nervous systems so severly that the stimulation of
} your kids playing drums at 2 a.m., wrecking your brand new car, and
} dating the Creature from the Black Lagoon would prove irresistably
} attractive to you.
}
} 2) Make childbirth so pleasurable for women that they would force men
} into having sex, endure months of vomiting after eating pickles and
} sawdust and varicose veins, just so that they could experience 12
} hours or so of what must be akin to MEGA-constipation.
}
} or,
}
} 1)Make having sex so muscle-twitching fun that your higher mental
} functions become momentarily disconnected, and you make a baby before
} you realize it.
}
} If you were Mother Nature, which would you do? I should also mention
} that in using birth control devices, a lot of you people have been
} getting all the fun without making the babies, all of which have been
} getting piled into a queue, which is now nearly full.  As of today, a
} woman in a small third-world country is scheduled to have
} 2-billion-tuplets on April 1st, 1994 to make up for the backlog.


232-05    (11841 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do so many Americans think that we Dutchmen all wear wooden shoes,
> live in windmills and spend our childhoods plugging up holes in the
> dikes with our fingers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah... finally, a fairly easy one to answer.  You see, it is a rather
} common and well-understood phenomenon among humans all around the world
} to stereotype people from foreign lands from the few insignificant and
} often totally erroneous clues given by the media (whether it be movies,
} radio, TV, holodeck, memory alterative anomolies, etc).  The Dutch are
} always protrayed as wearing wooden shoes, Russian women are always seen
} as being as ugly as Lenin (and comrad, was he EVER ugly!), and those in
} the good ol' US  of A either live in big mansions funded by several
} large oil wells, screw their relatives and friends over big corporate
} deals, and sleep with anything/anybody in sight, or live in New York
} City, doing drugs and shooting prostitutes for fun.
}
} Of course,  we all know that these things are simply not true... it is
} a fact that only 56.2% of the Dutch wear wooden shoes, and less than
} one-third actually live in windmills (the other two-thirds live in
} large tulip orchards).  As far as where you kept your fingers during
} your childhood, I suggest this could also be considered stereotypical
} of San Francisco, but that is another matter entirely.
}
} For the record, not all Russian women look like Lenin... a good portion
} look like Stalin.  Unfortunately, most stereotypes about Americans are
} true.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cute Dutch girl and a new pair of wooden shoes.


232-06    (34341 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happened to that grade list I thought I had?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, good question.  (Aren't you guys done yet?) The Oracle is very
} deeply puzzled.  (Her name's Suzie.) The Oracle will devote its enormous
} computational resources to the problem.  (No, you idiots, her _first_
} name's Suzie.) Just stand by, while the Oracle works on it.  (The things
} I do for that woman!) In the mean time, just wait here in the Oracular
} Lobby.  (If she wasn't such a good ...  I mean so cute, I'd LET her fail
} Math 32A.) No, of course that's not sweat on the Oracular forehead; what
} a silly thought, ha, ha.  (Aren't you fools done yet?  Yes, when I said
} change it to "A," I meant "A"!) Just pick up a copy of any old magazine
} lying around, feel free; look, here's a back issue of _Scientific
} Macedonian!_ (Good; you guys sure took long enough!) Ta, da!  Here it
} is!  No, of course, those are erasure marks on the sheet ...  that would
} be wrong!
}
} You owe the Oracle your silence on this subject.


232-07    (34323 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one:
> Is orgasm as important to females as it is to males?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Why do I get all of the jokers?)  OK, time for a bit of field
} research.  In the cause of science, the Oracle and the buxom Oracular
} assistant, Buffy, kidnapped 25 attractive male and female college
} students, and through liberal application of Dr. Jang's Genuine Exotic
} Aphrodisiac, engaged in sex with each.  Sexual stimulation was
} terminated just before orgasm.  The results were as follows:
}
}                               Males           Females
}
} Total cash offered:           $2,332          $1,933
} Threats of violence:          3                   12
} Offers of reciprocal
} sexual favors:                22                   9
} Offers of indeterminate
} nature:                       10                  11
}
} Applying the standard Weighted-Sexual-Begging Scale, we determine that
} orgasm rates 22.2 on a scale of 1-25 with males, and 22.3 on a similar
} scale with females.  This is within the error of the sample population,
} and thus we conclude that orgasm is equally important to each sex.
}
} You owe the Oracle the promise that you'll show your SO a good time
} tonight.


232-08    (13524 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the faster you drive, the longer the traffic light stays
> green?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As physicists have long observed,
} A system's mass must be conserved.
} The same holds true for energy:
} It is conserved; it has to be.
} A less-know law I now will tell:
} Frustration is conserved as well.
} This universal law holds true
} In everything that mortals do.
} A piece of toast with jelly, dropped,
} Will always land with bread on top.
} But if you catch it in its flight,
} It's jelly up, at any height.
} So if you speed to make a light,
} It's green until you're out of sight.
} But if you drive at legal speed,
} It will turn red; it's guaranteed.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of your next speeding ticket.


232-09    (22542 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will "I've fallen and I can't get up," be the catch phrase of the '90's.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well that's a good question. Do you mind if I answer you over a hot
} cup of java? My old bones aren't what they used to be. I'll just go
} down to the kitchen and be right ... whoah, Whoah, WHOAH, AAAAAAH!
} *Disk Crash*
} Jeepers, good thing I have my LifeCall pendant! (beep) ' HELP! I've
} crashed and I can't reboot!'


232-10    (15603 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, great Oracle, master of the pidarazov,
>       tell me,
>
>       If life were modeled as a system, would it be causal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hmmmmm.   This sounds like a great chance to try out the new
} modelling package on GOD's personal computer.  I'm pretty sure he
} won't mind.
}
} ^Z
} Stopped
} orcacle.wimpy-term.diety % bg
} [1] anwer-query &
} orcacle.wimpy-term.diety % rlogin hyper-connection-machine.diety -l root
} Password:
} Login incorrect
} login: root
} Password:
}
} *******************************************************
}
} Welcome to hyper-connection-machine.diety
}
} A cray 5000 running GOD/OS 5**1000
}
} Unauthorized access will result in Complete and Utter Destruction
}
} *******************************************************
} You have new mail.
} # /bin/csh
} % # I just can't use sh...
} % # Let's see what's going on in his mail...
} % cd /usr/spool/mail
} % ls
} god
} root
} % cp god temp
} % mail -f temp
} >From worshipper@earth.planet Mon Nov 19 14:45 MST 1990
} Received: by hyper-connection-machine (345934.45/324234.5)
}       id AA01592; Mon, 19 Nov 90 14:45:00 -0700
} Date: Mon, 19 Nov 90 14:45:00 -0700
} From: worshipper (Goody Goody)
} Message-Id: <9011192145.AA01592@mymachine>
} To: god@hyper-connection-machine.diety
} Subject: That annoying oracle...
}
}       The oracle has been acting up again.  You might want to talk
} to him about his answer to #Qa25738, Oh mighty one.
}
} ?d 1
} ?q
} % # Uh oh.  I warned that supplicant about the dangers of mixing
} % # Gerbils and Emacs.  It's not my fault.  Besides, he wasn't using
} % # that arm anyway.
} % rm god
} % ls
} root
} % cd ~god
} % cat .forward
} god@hyper-connection-machine.diety
} % cat > !$
} cat > .forward
} "| vacation god"
} ^D
} % # That should help a little...
} % cd /usr/bin/simulators
} % ls
} models
} real-things
} % cd models
} life
} earth
} death
} universe
} RCS
} % life -help
} life: Command not found.
} % set path = (. $path) # I hate that.
} % life
} life> help
} type "help <topic>" for more help.
} life> help casual
} Life can be modelled either as a formal or casual system.
} The difference is mostly in whether or not the subject is wearing a
}   suit.
} life> quit
} % who
} root  ttyq0           Nov 19 13:35
} root  console         Nov 19 10:45
} % # Better get out of here...
} % # But first a little fun...
} % exit
} % # kill -9 -1
} Connection closed.
} orcacle.wimpy-term.diety %
} Message from god@hyper-connection-machine on ttyp4 at 15:08 ...
} DO THAT AGAIN AND I'LL REPLACE YOU WITH A SIMULATOR!!!!!!!
} EOF
}
} orcacle.wimpy-term.diety %fg
}
}       What a grouch.  Gee.  Anyway, I guess it could be either
} formal or casual.
} ^D
} EOT
} Cc:
} orcacle.wimpy-term.diety %
} Message from god@hyper-connection-machine on ttyp4 at 15:09
} I FOUND WHAT YOU DID TO THE FORWARD FILE.  I ALSO GOT SOME MAIL ABOUT
} A QUESTION NUMBER 25738.  PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN?
}
} Oh dear.  You owe the oracle a good excuse.


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