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Internet Oracularities #233

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233, 233-01, 233-02, 233-03, 233-04, 233-05, 233-06, 233-07, 233-08, 233-09, 233-10


Usenet Oracularities #233    (15 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 24 Nov 90 00:34:02 -0500

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233   15 votes 22722 11643 23046 37302 24540 44142 42441 35322 44232 33450
233   2.9 mean  3.0   3.5   3.6   2.4   2.7   2.7   2.7   2.7   2.7   2.7


233-01    (22722 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise.
>
> I have this (foobar) problem.  No matter what I do (foobar), I can't
> stop (foobar) saying "foobar." What can I (foobar) do?  Anxiously
> awaiting your response, (foobar)
>                                               --Adam "foobar" Glass
>                                                 UC Berkeley

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have an advanced case of Hacker Hiccups, not to be confused with
} the Hiccup Hackers, who are a ruthless band of Conan-like outlaws
} dedicated to the elimination of abrupt noises by the indiscriminate
} use of broadswords.
}
} The common cures for the Hacker Hiccups are, in order of severity:
}
} 1) Drink seven slugs of vodka, or better yet grain alcohol, without
} pause. This will stop you from saying foobar, or much of anything else
} for that matter, for about a day.
}
} 2) Scare the tarnation out of the burliest looking ruffian you see
} around you. He will reciprocate by clouting you firmly in the head,
} which will hopefully cause temporary amnesia, or a loss of motor
} control, and should stop you from saying foobar for many weeks.
}
} 3) Hold your breath for 30 minutes. If you annoy the ruffian in cure 2
} sufficiently, he will be glad to help you on this one, which is a
} little hard to do on your own. This will cure your problem
} permanently.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of System V Unix manuals which are not
} covered with coffee and potato-chip oil stains.


233-02    (11643 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My roommate is tall and blonde and sexy and she's got a perfect
> complexion and always has guys running after her.  I'm short and
> fat and I've had zits since before highschool and I can't keep a
> boyfriend for a week.  Is there any magic spell that can put us in
> each other's bodies, so I can be her and she'll be stuck being me?
> Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm. Magic spells, I haven't had call for one of those in a long
} time. Let's check out the "man" page....
}
}         % man trans
}
}         TRANS(666)              USER COMMANDS           TRANS(666)
}
}         NAME
}                 trans - transmorgification
}
}         SYNOPSIS
}                 /usr/calvin/bin/caltrans [-cpk] _o_b_j_1 o_b_j_2
}
}         DESCRIPTION
}                 Trans is a new version transmorgification written
}                 by Mr. Calvin.  Its functionality is to transform
}                 the first object into the second object.
}
}                 The user must have read and write permission for the
}                 first object.
}
}         OPTIONS
}            -c   Copies should be in color
}            -k   Keep an original copy of the first object
}            -p   Permute the two objects by simultaneously
}                 transmorgifying the second object into the first.
}
}         FILES
}            /etc/stuffed/animals
}                         summons a daemon to operate processing
}            /etc/object/aliases
}                         to get list of aliases for objects
}            /dev/transmorgifier/box
}                         port for transmorgification
}
}         BUGS    Write permission for object2 is not checked.
}                 Output device is assumed to be a cardboard box.
}                 Color copies should be the default.
}
} Sounds pretty easy.
}
}         % write hilda@foobar.mit.edu
}         No problem. Just type "trans -cp hilda lisa"
}         This one's on me.
}         ^D
}
}         %
}         Message from hilda@foobar.mit.edu on ttyp3 at 16:12 ...
}         Thanks. hehehehe.
}
} <ZAAAAP>
}         Hey, what's going on. I feel so greasy. Why does it
}         say "trans -cp hilda oracle" on my monitor!
}
}         %write hilda@foobar.mit.edu
}         That's because I am taking over. No point going for beauty
}         when I can have beauty and intelligence. I am now the
}         oracle. hahahha. Nobody can stop me now!
}         ^D
}
}         Message from hilda@foobar.mit.edu on ttyp4 at 16:13 ...
}         I think you owe the oracle a bottle of Clearasil.


233-03    (23046 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been told that apples symbolize many things.
> I've never been told that crushed pimentoes symbolize anything.
>
> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One does not entrust the Big Red Button to a child.  The human race has
} on many occasions proved itself unworthy of learning the full
} significance of crushed, sliced or whole pimentos.  Just so you don't
} bother me again, I'll give you a list of the disasterous highlights:
}
} 1) In 1572, Jenny Hastings was told the secret of pimentos by a
} knowledgable but unwise monk.  An early equal rights advocate, Jenny
} decided she could just as easily make piewomentoes, and set about
} collecting what she considered 'extra toes' from the customers in her
} women's shoe store, intending to give them all free slices of the pie.
} She was burned at the stake.
}
} 2) Jenny's son and daughter, reading their mother's diary, thought that
} Jenny had misinterpretted the monk's advice.  Instead of making toe
} pies, they believed the monk had said pinintoes, and implanted upturned
} pins in all the shoes they sold, hoping for Eternal Happiness.  Their
} shoe store was closed and they were drawn and quartered when the Queen
} tried on a pair.
}
} 3) The monk's words drew little notice after that until a classical
} scholar rediscovered the diary of Jenny Hastings in 1893.  Sir Charles
} Whickerbasket convinced himself that the gruesome fates of Jenny and her
} children were attributable to their ignorance of Greek, and spent
} several years and his entire personal fortune trying to tell the world
} about the joy that pimentos and rhophysicos could bring.  His days came
} to a lonely and unhappy end in a gutter in New Dehli.
}
} 4) The last time the cursed story of pimentos surfaced was in Silicon
} Valley in 1986, when Xavier Piment, reading the monk's account and
} believing himself touched by God, tried to convince the computer
} community to abandon Unix, and MSDOS, and all other such sillyness, and
} adopt his Piment OS as the standard, now and forever.  His friends
} laughed at him so hard that no fewer than seven of them ruptured organs
} and died of internal hemorrhaging.  Xavier went mad with grief, and has
} purchased and extensively used the 1.0 (or even better, the 0.9) version
} of every piece of bug-ridden software he can find as penance.
}
} So don't try to understand it.  Sprinkle the crushed stuff in your
} spagetti sauce, munch the sliced ones in green olives, but never
} question the true meaning of the pimento.
}
} Gosh, that makes me hungry.  You owe the Oracle a pizza.


233-04    (37302 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and wise Oracle, whose thingamajig is never confused with a
> whatchamacallit, and whose doodlebob is better than anyones, please
> give me an answer:
>
> I've just been promoted, and my new job title is Database Administrator.
>
> What are they wanting me to do????  Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, please keep the Oracle's thingamajig, whatchamacallit,
} and doodlebob out of it.  We barely know each other.
}
} Being a Database Administrator is very, very simple.  The Oracle
} suggests that you remember the following E-Z Phrases to Database
} Administrative Success:
}
} "Sorry, we don't have our queries set up for that data.  20 man-weeks."
} "Hmmm, looks like an RBD problem.  20 man-weeks." "Our people will need
} more training to implement that.  20 man-weeks." "Your people will need
} new training when we bring up the new system.  20 man-weeks." "Hmmm,
} looks like we need more disk space.  20 man-weeks." "Buy IBM.  20
} man-weeks."
}
} You owe the Oracle an SQL manual.


233-05    (24540 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will there be an earthquake on December 3 of this year along a fault in
> Missouri?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Along a fault, hmmm?  THe Oracle sees through what you are trying to do.
}
} You are trying to pin the fault (that was clever use of the double
} meaning of the word fault, but you need to remember that the Oracle is
} omniscient) for the earthquake on the Oracle.
}
} When the earthquake occurs, people will of course want someone to blame
} it on.  You will then pull out your Oracular Reply (tm) and say "Look,
} the Oracle said there would be an earthquake...It must be the Oracle's
} fault!"
}
} Of course, there must be a way that you know that there will be an
} earthquake.  (The Oracle knows because the Oracle is omniscient, of
} course.) The only possible way you could know that there will be an
} earthquake is if you yourself will be causing it!
}
} So, not only were you trying to pin blame on the Oracle, but you were
} trying to blame the Oracle for something you were going to do!  The
} Oracle is usually very forgiving, of course, but you are starting to
} overstep your bounds.  However, the Oracle will give you a chance,
} providing you are good with words...
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay on why you should not be sentenced forever
} to /dev/null.  And a plane ticket out of Missouri, dated no later than 2
} December, AD 1990.


233-06    (44142 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Would you be half as witty if you got questions that weren't such
> blatant set-ups?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  See?


233-07    (42441 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh PS/1,
>
> I will be flying to America in January.  Now, since America and
> Americans don't actually exist, where will I go and what/whom will I
> see?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ahha, indeed an interesting question.
} I have pondered it and have reached this conclusion
}
} you will see exactly what everyone else sees....America as it looks
} through the eyes of anyone who does not know the true secret that it is
} a sound set in Greenland.
}
} upon hoping on the plane you will sit down.  However, when they claim to
} be preasurizing the cabin they are in fact sending in a highly toxic gas
} which causes delusions they want you to believe.  They then take you out
} of the plane, (without it ever having taken off) and plop you down in a
} sensory deprivation tank.  From here your own mind which has already
} been plagued by propaganda takes over.  you will believe you are in
} America and seeing people and places in America but in fact you will be
} submerged in a tank of warm saline solution in a dark corner of the
} airport.  you will be alowed to wake up after the appropriate time has
} passed.  Recovery from this experience involves a feeling of
} disorientation and tiredness comonly known to the public as jet lag.
} Its pretty neat how big these coverups can get isn't it.
}
} you owe the Oracle one blonde about 5'5 with a beautiful figure and a
} mind to keep the oracle company on his next flight to the US


233-08    (35322 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who is quite impressive,
>
> How can I keep my neo-lithic roommates from getting peanut butter
> in the jelly jar, and vice versa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, the Oracle would like to take a moment to compliment you
} on the "quite impressive" part.  To all would-be-supplicants:  Think
} begging and groveling.  Works like a charm.
}
} OK, onwards, now to the Peanut Butter and Jelly problem.  The Oracle
} will admit (in an unguarded moment) that this problem has reoccured
} throughout human history, and even prehistory (you know, that stuff
} that came before that no one wrote down, but that you get tested on
} away).  One of the very first wars was over someone who kept getting
} mammoth tallow in the burnt wild oat cake batter, which was just one of
} those things that happen when you make the transition from
} hunter-gatherer to agriculture.
}
} Fortunately, the Oracle has a collection of solutions to just this
} problem.  Listen up: place jam at one end of counter, peanut butter on
} the other.  Make sure they are at least six feet apart.  Attach one
} knife to each jar via a 2-1/2 foot rope, thus making it impossible for
} the same knife to be used with both spreads.  This goes part of the
} way, but does not prevent the dreaded Peanut-Butter-Jelly-Transferance
} Problem, where PB or J (chemical symbols) are transferred from one jar
} to the other when the second component is added.  Armed guards work
} well to stop this problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle lunch; all this talk of food has make me hungry.


233-09    (44232 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wondrous Oracle, whose dining philosophers never deadlock
> thanks to an eternal news feed, answer for me this question:
>
> My news server is down, and it can't get up.  How am I to get my daily
> fix of news until someone reboots it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just get UNIX-ALERT. Yes, with UNIX-ALERT help is just a keystroke
} away. Look at these situations:
}
} "Someone's broken into my /etc/passwd file!"
}
} UNIX-ALERT: "Richard Stallman is on his way to your node."
}
} "I'm having a segmentation fault!"
}
} UNIX-ALERT: "I'm sending Kernighan and Ritchie themselves to
} help you."
}
} "My news feed has fallen -- and it can't get up!"
}
} UNIX-ALERT: "No need to panic -- hardcopy of all the news groups
} is on its way via U.S. Mail to your address. Er, postage due."
}
} Yes, UNIX-ALERT could just save your miserable excuse for a life!
} Dial 1-800-CORE-DUMP today!
}
} You owe the Oracle the sources for AT&T's UNIX rev 4.


233-10    (33450 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that nice guys rarely win, and how a sensitive, attractive
> European guy can meet a girl of the same caliber -  and not a
> stereotypical bowhead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me tell you a little story about a "nice guy."  There was this
} gentleman by the name of Ted who was a very nice guy.  Ted made
} friends easily, and you could always count on him in a tight spot.
} One day he met a girl named Bernice who was very attractive and very
} bright.  Bernice was touched and amused by Ted, and she quickly
} seduced him.  Bernice shamelessly manipulated and tormented him for
} years.  She used Ted for recreational sex and zero interest loans.
} She was unfaithful, intolerant, and cruel.  But everytime Ted tried
} to leave her, she would break down and cry until Ted agreed to stay
} since he was such a nice guy.  Eventually Bernice left Ted for a
} traffic cop who was even more sadistic than her.  Ted was a wreck
} (and broke) for years afterwords, but the story has a happy ending.
} Ted eventually became a monk, and now he leads a peaceful life tending
} to a rose garden.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better attitude.


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