} One does not entrust the Big Red Button to a child. The human race has
} on many occasions proved itself unworthy of learning the full
} significance of crushed, sliced or whole pimentos. Just so you don't
} bother me again, I'll give you a list of the disasterous highlights:
} 1) In 1572, Jenny Hastings was told the secret of pimentos by a
} knowledgable but unwise monk. An early equal rights advocate, Jenny
} decided she could just as easily make piewomentoes, and set about
} collecting what she considered 'extra toes' from the customers in her
} women's shoe store, intending to give them all free slices of the pie.
} She was burned at the stake.
} 2) Jenny's son and daughter, reading their mother's diary, thought that
} Jenny had misinterpretted the monk's advice. Instead of making toe
} pies, they believed the monk had said pinintoes, and implanted upturned
} pins in all the shoes they sold, hoping for Eternal Happiness. Their
} shoe store was closed and they were drawn and quartered when the Queen
} tried on a pair.
} 3) The monk's words drew little notice after that until a classical
} scholar rediscovered the diary of Jenny Hastings in 1893. Sir Charles
} Whickerbasket convinced himself that the gruesome fates of Jenny and her
} children were attributable to their ignorance of Greek, and spent
} several years and his entire personal fortune trying to tell the world
} about the joy that pimentos and rhophysicos could bring. His days came
} to a lonely and unhappy end in a gutter in New Dehli.
} 4) The last time the cursed story of pimentos surfaced was in Silicon
} Valley in 1986, when Xavier Piment, reading the monk's account and
} believing himself touched by God, tried to convince the computer
} community to abandon Unix, and MSDOS, and all other such sillyness, and
} adopt his Piment OS as the standard, now and forever. His friends
} laughed at him so hard that no fewer than seven of them ruptured organs
} and died of internal hemorrhaging. Xavier went mad with grief, and has
} purchased and extensively used the 1.0 (or even better, the 0.9) version
} of every piece of bug-ridden software he can find as penance.
} So don't try to understand it. Sprinkle the crushed stuff in your
} spagetti sauce, munch the sliced ones in green olives, but never
} question the true meaning of the pimento.
} Gosh, that makes me hungry. You owe the Oracle a pizza.