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Internet Oracularities #234

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Usenet Oracularities #234    (15 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 27 Nov 90 10:51:34 -0500

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234   15 votes 53232 15531 04713 22263 11463 95010 05622 23640 37410 44421
234   2.8 mean  2.6   2.9   3.2   3.4   3.6   1.5   3.1   2.8   2.2   2.5


234-01    (53232 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've had my heart broken once and didn't really like it.  I thought we
> were closere and didn't need any relationship to withhold us, but that's
> what I get for thinking.  Now, another more beautiful, outstanding young
> woman has entered my life.  She's original and the best friend I've ever
> had.  Should I fall in love?  Should I allow myself to possibly be hurt
> again?  If so, can you, oh mighty Oracle, compose a love poem for me?
> Every time I try to do so, I end up letting my feelings get in the way.
> Thus I end up with something like:  You've got a lot of class/I love
> your style.  When I look at you, I drink beauty with my eyes /I really
> dig your smile.  As you can see, I'm not good at writing love poems.
> I'M SO CONFUSED!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Oh, what a dark and heavy nightmare,
}  Those moonlit heights!
}  To touch the violin for so many years,
}  and not to recognise the strings in the light.
}
}  Who needs us? Who lit up these
}  two yellow faces? Two melancholy faces?
}  And suddenly the bow felt that someone
}  took them and someone merged them.
}
}  Oh, how long it's been!
}  Tell me one thing, are you the same one?
}  The same one?
}  And the strings caressed him,
}  and caressingly quivered.
}
}  "Is it not true?"
}  "We will never part again?"
}  And the violin replied "yes",
}  though its heart was gripped with pain.
}
}  The bow understood and fell silent.
}  But the echo in the violin still persisted.
}  And it was torture to them,
}  what seemed like music to others.
}
}  But the man did not extinguish the candles
}  until the morning. And the strings sang...
}  And only the sun found them drained of strength
}  on the black velvet of the bed.
}
} The Oracle
}
} PS Think about it.


234-02    (15531 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have to provide a nice reference letter for someone I can't actually
> stand.  Please write it for me.  I'm in trouble if this person doesn't
> get the job, but I don't want to say anything untrue, either.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A common dilemma.  The Oracle, being omniinfluential and very sexy
} to boot, often receives requests for recommendations, so I know
} how you feel. I usually write something like this:
}
} To whom it may concern:
}
} I am writing to you not so much on behalf of, but about Mr./Ms.
} Obnoxious, because I am being embarrassed/coerced/bribed into doing
} it. [Of course the Oracle is never embarrassed and cannot be bribed or
} coerced. That's for your benefit.] Mr./Ms. Obnoxious has no redeeming
} qualities that I can think of, but is prone to violent fits of
} homicidal rage when his/her applications are rejected.  [Okay, so
} that's a slight exaggeration.  It's better than saying, 'He/She is
} courteous, efficient, motivated and a team player.'  Gag me with a
} virtual spoon!]  Please do me and yourself a favor: hire this person
} and transfer him/her to your South Pole branch.
}
} The Oracle recommends you hire Mr. T as a bodyguard for a few weeks.


234-03    (04713 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get my girlfriend and her houseboat out of my bladder?  She
> sends me telepathic messages and says she's having a great time and
> doesn't want to come out, but I want her outside of me so we can kiss
> and cuddle and make love and just do things together.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you have to think about this one very carefully.  I mean, do you
} really want to kiss someone who has been in your bladder ?  Just think
} about that for a minute!  Yuck!
}
} However, I'll think about it for a moment ...  hmmm ...
}
} Ahah.  Drink!  That always does it!  Drink as much as humanly possible
} (which is of course, only a fraction of what I, the Oracle, can manage
} ...), preferably stuff with a reasonable alcohol content.  Don't go to
} the toilet, just sit there with your legs crossed, shaking violently.
} Go outside into the cold, and fall asleep (it must be *very* cold, and
} the alcohol was to help you sleep).  Get a friend to remove your lower
} garments, and to place one hand in a bowl of warm water, and the other
} in a bowl of cold water.
}
} All these factors should encourage your bladder to engage in superhuman
} (but waaaaay below Oracular standards) efforts to relieve itself.  With
} a bit of luck, and no icicles, the pressure should be sufficient to
} dislodge your girlfriend and her houseboat.  But don't forget to
} telepathically warn her first!  Oh ...  you're asleep.  But you did tell
} her that you were going to do it, didn't you ...?  No?!  But she won't
} have stowed anything away otherwise ...
}
} <t'cking craaanggg!  smasssssh!  yieeeeieieie!>
}
} So.  Your (ex-)girlfriend and her houseboat are now out.  She was in the
} shower, and is now standing soaking wet and stark naked in the cold on
} the sidewalk.  The boat is a wreck - everything inside it is smashed.
} And what can she see ?  You, lying drunk on the ground, wearing no
} trousers and urinating all over your legs.  What a sight!  Of course,
} she'll just be so happy, and jump on you and make mad passionate love,
} won't she ?
}
} All in all, The Oracle considers that you had better leave her in your
} bladder, and discuss the possibility of splitting up.  That way, you can
} go out with other girls, and she can stay exactly where she's happiest.
}
} You owe the Oracle the script to 'The Fantastic Voyage'.


234-04    (22263 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh onipotent, specious one:
>
> Is it not true that men and women are actually separate and distinct
> species dwelling in sympathic parasitic union.  Does this not explain
> the difficulty in communications suffered by all species.  After all,
> mankind still has trouble discussing Plato with grizzly bears, much less
> cobras.  Every tried following a discussion of an easy subject like
> Plato between men and women, much less a tough subject like
> interpersonal relationships, or where to go for dinner.
>
> You opinion is requested.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Though men and women are biologically of the same species, their
} SOULS is what make the great difference. The fact that it is nigh
} on impossible for a male to discuss with a female ANY subject that
} he's really interested in, shows that the minds of the two sexes
} are totally incompatible. The only time a man can have an interesting
} conversation with a woman in when she wants something from him, like
} his money or his body. On these occations, however, the male tends to
} get absorbed by the female, thinking he's at last found a woman he
} can have a conversation with, and subsequently more or less eats
} out of her hand. This is all a cunning plot, by which the woman
} gradually takes control over her poor victim, turning him into a
} ^Z
}
} Interrupt forced by %wife-DAEMON (Ethel@bad.temper)
}
} > WHAT THE HECK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
}
} Eh, nothing, dearest, it's a...
}
} > SO THAT'S WHAT YOU USE THAT BLEEDIN' COMPUTER FOR, IS IT?
}   MALE CHAUVINIST BULLSHIT?
}
} But sincerely, honey, I mean, I was just kidding...
}
} > KIDDING MY ASS! "WHEN SHE WANTS HIS MONEY OR HIS BODY..." I'LL
}   TELL YOU ONE THING FOR SURE, THAT'S YOU NEVER HAD MUCH OF NEITHER
}   OF THEM!
}
} It's called the Oracle and...
}
} > OH, OH, OH! WE'RE GETTING A BIT PHILOSOPHICAL, AIN'T WE? WELL, I'LL
}   GIVE YOU A GOOD PREDICTION IF EVER YOU HEARD ONE! YOU KNOW WHAT
}   THIS IS?
}
} Eh, it's a rollpin... Please put that thing away, sweetheart, before
} anyone gets hurt...
}
} > I'LL BLEEDIN' ORACLE YOU! COME HERE, YOU LITTLE... WHAT THE HELL
}   YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING! COME OUT FROM UNDER THAT SOFA!
}
} Ain't I the lord of my own house? I can lie under the sofa as much as I
} like without asking you, can't I?


234-05    (11463 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
> Tell me, can one reach enlightenment by plugging oneself into a
> wall socket?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, I wonder what idiotic questions await me today.
} oracle% telnet heaven.pearlygates.com
} Trying...
} Connected to heaven.pearlygates.com.
} Escape character is '^]'.
}
} Login: oracle
} Password:
} COSMIX System XVII Release 43.01
} Copyright (c) 3000BC Universal Telecommunications Inc.
} A subsidiary of AT&T
} All Rights Reserved.
}
} **************************************************
} All Informational Greater beings please note:
} The new system checking daemons are now installed,
} this should result in faster, more efficient
} and more accurate replies to supplicants
} **************************************************
} You have new mail.
}
} % w
} 6:19pm up 2509 years, 8:47, 18 users, load average: 968.0, 965.4, 964.0
} User     tty     login@  idle    JCPU    PCPU   what
} god      console Bigbang     87345:12     :45   rm -rf /country/Kuwait
} gabriel  i00     12:32pm         2:04    1:30   nethack
} jesus    i01     12:00am 1957y 105:03     :01   sleep 2147483647
} micheal  i02      2:14am        11:43   11:41   emp_client
} uriel    i03      3:56pm   23      45      16   telnet vms.hell.com 25
} rafael   i04     10:02am    2      37      17   nn alt.sex.pictures
} daemon   i05      7:14am         2:15    2:15   check
} uunet    i06      5:59pm          :14     :12   NNTP
} oracle   i07      5:54pm            3       1   w
} % answer
} There are 73 dweebs waiting for replies
} Read first one now? y
} >From nerd@cs.buffalo.edu
}   Oh mighty Oracle,
}   Tell me, can one reach enlightenment by plugging oneself into a
}   wall socket?
} EOF
} What next (reply, consult life history, ignore) (ignore) ? r
} Enter reply, end with a ^D or EOF
}
} Of course! Go ahead, try it...
}
} You owe the oracle a -
}
} Message from heaven!truthd at 17:55:00
} Oracle Truth & Safety Guideline Breach Detected.
}
} damn! foiled!
}
} Oh alright... To truly reach enlightenment, first you must climb to the
} highest tower in the kingdom, and, armed only with a sword, leap
}
} Message from heaven!copyrightd at 17:55:01
} Breach of Python copyright Detected. Please buy 'All the Words'.
}
} Hmmm... How about:
} Once Dan Quayle has become President, become his Secretary of State for
}
} Message from heaven!politicd at 17:55:02
} Impossible Event Detected.
}
} Argh, these new daemons take all the fun out of it
}
} Message from heaven!contradictd at 17:55:03
} No we dont.
}
} Oh, forget it. I'm going home.
}
} Message from heaven!guiltd at 17:55:04
} But what about those poor suffering mortals?
}
} Oh, all right. I'm sorry. I'm not really meant to tell you this, but
} True Enlightenment can be gained very easily by simply
}
} Message from heaven!securityd at 17:55:04
} Sorry, but you are unauthorised to reveal that to lower beings.
}
} Killed
} Connection closed by foreign host.
}
}    Damn.
}
} You owe the Oracle a security hole, so I can kill those daemons.


234-06    (95010 dist, 1.5 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> //ORACLE JOB
> /*JOBPARM R=2048,T=(5,0)
> /*ROUTE PRINT ORACLE.ORACLE
> /*ROUTE PUNCH ORACLE.ORACLE
> //LINK     EXEC PGM=IEWL,PARM='NAME=ORACLE'
> //SYSLMOD  DD   DSN=ORACLE.LOAD(ORACLE),DISP=(OLD,KEEP)
> //SYSLOUT  DD   SYSOUT=A
> //SYSPRINT DD   SYSOUT=A
> //SYSUT1   DD   UNIT=(TPUSER,SEP=(SYSLMOD,SYSLIN)),
> //         SPACE=(1024,(200,20))
> //SYSLIN   DD   *
> oh oracle, is it worth my time to learn unix?
> /*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Learn something useful and popular like C, if you're actually
} going to be using it later in life.  Instead of computer programming
} try something more useful with your hands, like relieving stress
} through masturbation, it can change your life.


234-07    (05622 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do my questions never make the postings in alt.humor.oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just consult The Oracle's Guide On How To Get Into Alt.Humor.Oracle
} (provided below for your convenience)
}
}      ------------------------------------------------------
}      The Oracle's Guide On How To Get Into Alt.Humor.Oracle
}      ------------------------------------------------------
}
} If you are the asking part:
}
}  1. Greet the Oracle in a witty way. Examples:
}
}     "Oh Psychopharmactic One"
}     "Omniseductive Oracle, whose tan is more perfect than any ever
}      appearing in a 'Juicy Fruit' commercial"
}     "You mongrel-faced, cumquat-brained sod! Bet I'll beat you on
}      this one!"
}
}  2. Ask about that ever-interesting subject: SEX!
}     Questions having even the least connection with this delightful
}     topic will most certainly amuse the priesthood. If the word
}     "Lisa" is included, your place in the next posting will be
}     nigh on totally secured.
}
}  3. Ask *really* dumb questions, sure to arise a massive flaming
}     from the replying part. It might hurt your feelings a bit,
}     but it's well worth it, isn't it?
}
}  4. Ask totally incomprehensible questions, like:
}
}     "Whither mulberries?"
}     "Motown! Motown! Refurbish your hallway!"
}     "Are coffee tables?"
}     "Upon inspection of several rather large rodents, I found
}      nothing extraordinary. Why?"
}
}     This will give the replier freedom to answer in any way he
}     likes, and at last present him with the opportunity to
}     include his extremely funny favorite answer, which he has been
}     pondering for a long time, only waiting for an appropriate
}     question.
}
}  5. Ask your questions in verse.
}
} If you are the answering part:
}
}  1. Interpret the question in a funny way, preferrable a sexual one.
}
}  2. Include penguins, Punjabi micro-tigers and/or interesting parts
}     of Lisa's body in the answer..
}
}  3. Flame the asking part mercifullessly.
}
}  4. Freak out completely, answering an other question altogether,
}     or don't answer any question at all, just be weird.
}
}  5. Use the "Interrupt from heaven@pearly.gates"-gimmick.
}
}  6. Make an "Oracle's Guide To..."
}
} If this fails, make fake Oracularities with your own questions in and
} send them to alt.humor.oracle, or simply lie and tell people you wrote
} this question or that. No-one can prove the opposite anyway.


234-08    (23640 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have the Summertime Blues.  What can I do to cure them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    First of all, The Oracle suggests you consult your calendar.  It is
} no longer summer, so you cannot have the Summertime Blues -- you have
} the lesser-known (never made the charts) but equally virulent Autumn
} Blues.  While there is no known cure, there are a few things you can do.
}
}   1. Call up the IRS and ask for an audit.
}   2. Turn down the volume on your TV and watch Gilligan's Island
}      reruns with the Star Wars theme playing on your stereo.
}   3. Send wine back.
}   4. Turn down the volume on your TV and watch Star Wars with the
}      Gilligan's Island theme playing on your stereo.
}   5. Put 'kill -9 0' in your .login file.
}   7. Amuse a cat.
}   8. Tape the Dr. Demento show and play it backwards.
}   9. Explain to your system administrator why there is a 'kill -9 0'
}      in your .login file.
}  10. Try to figure out why there is no item #6 in this list.
}
}    If the condition persists, repeat the above procedures.  Either the
} condition will stop persisting or some nice men will come and take you
} to a place where you won't have to worry about it any more.


234-09    (37410 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why,  oh why,  are there so many UNIX freaks in the world today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Language evolution.
}
} If you had not been, how shall I say, "otherwise involved" during
} the time last month when you were supposed to be in your linguistics
} course, you would have heard the speech by the guest lecturer from
} the University of Egypt explaining it all.  However, since you
} have obviously recovered from that stage in your development
} (Pity, I had not previously realized that one could do such things
} with lawnmowers, tangerine flavoured ice cream, and aardvaarks,
} and it was beginning to get interesting.) I will indulge you this once
} and replay the salient section.
}
} <Rewind> brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrb!
}
} <Play> ..<gasp!> <moan!>... <Stop>
}
} <mutter mutter> (Damn tape recorder) <Rewind> brrrb!
}
} <Play>  ...and now we come to perhaps the most interesting section of
} this lecture.  It is well known that at various times during the past,
} it has been found useful to have the services of male humans without
} certain unneccessary parts of their body.  Aside from the benefit of
} being good singers, this also allowed them to be extremely useful as
} ... <Fast Forward> rbr!
}
} <Play> ...and since this drive was also found to be neccessary for
} proper function of the workstation, one was quite quickly acquired.
} The unfortunate young man standing nearby from whom this new drive, the
} "S"uper "X"cellent (or SX for short) drive, was acquired was later
} found in psychological testing to have an extreme aptitude on said
} workstation.  It is conjectured that this Eunichs affect is quite
} contagious, since all of the testers were found the following evening
} engaged in an intense csh session.  Attempted removal caused extreme
} anguish and withdrawal symptoms, usually followed by glassy stares
} and meaningless babbling reminiscent of bad 'C' code.  Unfortunately,
} the afflicted persons have since reentered society, and an attempt at
} quarantine is sadly overdue.  Say, that wouldn't happen to be a NeXT
} workstation in there, would it?  I haven't...<Stop>
}
} Please pay better attention in your courses from now on.
}
} You owe The Oracle an aardvaark and certain of your unneccessary
} body parts.  Plus some tangerine ice cream.


234-10    (44421 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want lots of electronic mail from witty, intelligent women.  Then I
> want one of them to fall madly in love with me and I with her, and I
> want us to meet and find each other physically attractive, and then get
> married.  How do I ensure that this will happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly mortal, don't you realize the futility of your feeble quest?  It
} is well known that there are no women out in the electronic jungle know
} as Usenet, but rather former shells of women, once voluptuous and full
} of grace, now relegated to be pastey-skinned automatons who poke blindly
} at the keyboard.
}
} The Oracle (the almighty) is not bitter, and wishes not to bore you with
} its own attempt to find and devour witty, intellegent babes, but rather
} discourage you from embarking upon a long, fruitless search.
}
} In an effort to do this, the Oracle (the most awesome) has compiled in
} great emotional pain and at the expense of two graduate student's
} fellowship grants, the warning signs of the human female's
} disintegration after years in front of the terminal.
}
}  Time Spent      Effects of Exposure
}  ----------      -------------------
}
}  1 to 3 months   About this time, vast clumps of hair will be
}                  missing, revealing unsightly bald spots from
}                  hair pulling frustration at management for the
}                  absurdity of the latest project revisions.
}
}  3 to 6 months   Hair completely gone, skin now pastey-white from
}                  the CRT radiation being the only sunlight the face
}                  is recieving.
}
}  6 to 12 months  Bald, flaky white skin.  Eyes are now glazed over
}                  and bulbous from one to many all nighters
}                  straining to meet irrational managements latest
}                  deadline.
}
}  1 to 1.5 years  Bald, bug-eyed, skin now resembles century-old
}                  plaster from lack of sunlight.  Floresents playing
}                  off the bald head have given it the apperance of a
}                  moldy orange.  The thighs are starting to get
}                  flabby from days-at-a-time marathon programming
}                  sessions spent sitting motionless in the chair.
}
}  1.5 to 3 years  Further deterioration includes the thighs now
}                  having a permanent impression of the sasme old
}                  chair, and the wrists are now at a permanent 131.6
}                  degree angle from continuously using the keyboard
}                  at 55 wpm.
}
}  3 to 5 years    In many cases, the damage is irreversible at this
}                  time. The woman has now gone deaf also.  The
}                  hearing has become attuned only to the frequencies
}                  of the hard drive line printer, and air
}                  conditioners.  All other noise is now being
}                  treated as irrelevant background moise, including
}                  but not limited to low-end user whinning about
}                  non-standard user interfaces.
}
}  Beyond 5 years  Women unfortunate enough to remain at the terminal
}                  for this long now find that the long years in the
}                  same position has now made the rare occurance of
}                  standing to become an excellent impression of
}                  Quasimodo.  The woman has also come into the habit
}                  of mumbling to herself and now fondly considers
}                  the idea of entering management.
}
} So you see, while the probabilty of you meeting a woman on the net is
} very high, the women on the net are all experts in their field with
} years of experience.  This all implies that these women have high
} intellegence, and may even be witty in between geekisms, but the
} deterioration from the terminal room and a high technical background
} leave no women left to really meet your expectations.
}
} The Oracle feels you should step back, away from the terminal, go buy a
} copy of The Village Voice, and answer the ad in the back that reads
} Asian Women need your love...
}
} You owe the Oracle a facelift, a copy of the Village Voice, and a
} Lazyboy recliner with a 256 color high resolution display.


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