} Silly mortal, don't you realize the futility of your feeble quest? It
} is well known that there are no women out in the electronic jungle know
} as Usenet, but rather former shells of women, once voluptuous and full
} of grace, now relegated to be pastey-skinned automatons who poke blindly
} at the keyboard.
} The Oracle (the almighty) is not bitter, and wishes not to bore you with
} its own attempt to find and devour witty, intellegent babes, but rather
} discourage you from embarking upon a long, fruitless search.
} In an effort to do this, the Oracle (the most awesome) has compiled in
} great emotional pain and at the expense of two graduate student's
} fellowship grants, the warning signs of the human female's
} disintegration after years in front of the terminal.
} Time Spent Effects of Exposure
} ---------- -------------------
} 1 to 3 months About this time, vast clumps of hair will be
} missing, revealing unsightly bald spots from
} hair pulling frustration at management for the
} absurdity of the latest project revisions.
} 3 to 6 months Hair completely gone, skin now pastey-white from
} the CRT radiation being the only sunlight the face
} is recieving.
} 6 to 12 months Bald, flaky white skin. Eyes are now glazed over
} and bulbous from one to many all nighters
} straining to meet irrational managements latest
} 1 to 1.5 years Bald, bug-eyed, skin now resembles century-old
} plaster from lack of sunlight. Floresents playing
} off the bald head have given it the apperance of a
} moldy orange. The thighs are starting to get
} flabby from days-at-a-time marathon programming
} sessions spent sitting motionless in the chair.
} 1.5 to 3 years Further deterioration includes the thighs now
} having a permanent impression of the sasme old
} chair, and the wrists are now at a permanent 131.6
} degree angle from continuously using the keyboard
} at 55 wpm.
} 3 to 5 years In many cases, the damage is irreversible at this
} time. The woman has now gone deaf also. The
} hearing has become attuned only to the frequencies
} of the hard drive line printer, and air
} conditioners. All other noise is now being
} treated as irrelevant background moise, including
} but not limited to low-end user whinning about
} non-standard user interfaces.
} Beyond 5 years Women unfortunate enough to remain at the terminal
} for this long now find that the long years in the
} same position has now made the rare occurance of
} standing to become an excellent impression of
} Quasimodo. The woman has also come into the habit
} of mumbling to herself and now fondly considers
} the idea of entering management.
} So you see, while the probabilty of you meeting a woman on the net is
} very high, the women on the net are all experts in their field with
} years of experience. This all implies that these women have high
} intellegence, and may even be witty in between geekisms, but the
} deterioration from the terminal room and a high technical background
} leave no women left to really meet your expectations.
} The Oracle feels you should step back, away from the terminal, go buy a
} copy of The Village Voice, and answer the ad in the back that reads
} Asian Women need your love...
} You owe the Oracle a facelift, a copy of the Village Voice, and a
} Lazyboy recliner with a 256 color high resolution display.