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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:52:44 GMT

Internet Oracularities #235

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Usenet Oracularities #235    (14 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 28 Nov 90 15:15:27 -0500

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235   14 votes 10652 22532 33161 31352 25421 12146 13451 12641 13541 13154
235   3.2 mean  3.5   3.1   2.9   3.1   2.6   3.9   3.1   3.1   3.1   3.6


235-01    (10652 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All the women I find attractive find me replusive.  All the women who
> have ever found me attractive I find repulsive.  For instance, this
> crazy undergrad girl is apeshit over me, but she makes me think of
> slugs, and I can't get an erection when she's around even though I'm
> horny when she shows up.  And then there's this sleek, sexy, ravishing
> brunette only a couple inches shorter than me, and she drives me wild,
> and though she kind of likes me she's in love with somebody else, and
> anyway she has all sorts of crazy beliefs like vegetarianism and
> reincarnation and crystal healing even though she has a Ph.  D.  in
> electrical engineering.  So how come I can never find anyone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle regrets that it is your karma in this particular lifetime
} never to maintain a relationship with a woman for more than about 2-1/2
} hours.
}
} However, with a few slight modifications to your lifestyle, you *might*
} be able to extend this number to up to 4 consecutive hours, or
} 8 hours spread over 2 weeks.  First of all, give up hamburgers, pork
} rinds, chicken wings, and other flesh products.  These items in your
} diet cause additives to your perspiration that make you smell
} unattractive to women, even those who themselves consume such products.
} Next, you might try wearing several amethysts, or perhaps a rose
} quartz.  These particular crystals might balance your inner psyche
} and cause your aura to be a more appealing color.
}
} If all else fails, don't feel too bad; you'll have no problem being
} around women in your next life: in fact, you're scheduled to come
} back as one!
}
} You owe the Oracle Shirley MacLaine's autograph.


235-02    (22532 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From our observation post above your miserable little planet, we have
> concluded that your society has degenerated to the point of no return.
>
> In our immense mercifulness, we have contacted you, O Puny Oracle, to
> give your planet a hope in hell.  (God only knows that if any of those
> idiots living (if you can call it that) on the Earth's surface answered,
> you'd all be intergallactic roasted marshmallows by now).
>
> According to "Zoltanian's Law of Degenerative Society", it has been
> proven that the following three conditions are the signs of the imminent
> self-destruction of a race:
>
>   1) Media infraction:
>       Geraldo Rivera, A Current Affair, Inside Edition, and
>       the National Enquirer
>
>   2) Entertainment infraction:
>       New Kids on the Block, Rap music, and "Babes"
>
>   3) Genocidal infraction:
>       Forcing the Toronto Maple Leafs to play the Calgary Flames
>
> Seeing the suffering the race is causing itself, we are poised above
> your planet with 749 Zoltanian-R2 Battle Cruisers, ready to cleanse your
> planet of all unwanted (and wanted) life forms.  Is there any reason why
> we shouldn't?
>
>                             -Bob and Doug,
>                              Zoltanian Gerbil Patrol
>
> P.S.  If it's not too much trouble, could you please send Kim Basinger
>       into orbit?  We have decided that she is an adequate life form,
>       deserving of further study.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [curse under breath] ...  arrogant little, INSIGNIFICANT Zoltanians...
} don't they realize that our "media infractions" are part of a complex
} program to cut down high school truancy?  No, of course not...
}
} oracle> rlogin main.zoltan.com -l root
} Password:
}
} ...  they couldn't begin to PERCEIVE that kids would go to school if
} Geraldo was all that was on TV during the day...  NOOOOOO...  that's to
} SIMPLE to make sense to such COMPLEX minds such as theirs...
}
} +Welcome to Main.Zoltan.Com+
}
} you have new mail
}
} What is thy bidding, root?
}
} ...  Entertainment infraction, they say...  BAH!  What the hell do they
} know about entertainment?  They've spent the last 7 years watching
} "CHiP's" reruns...  stupid Zoltanains...  sheesh...
}
} root> ch password
} Old Password:
} New Password:
} Again:
}
} ... ok, so now they can't access root anymore... "Genocide" they say...
} sheesh...  like Canada isn't a REALLY UNIFIED nation...  what the hell
} do they think Quebec is there for, Comedy Relief?...  they want to see
} genocide?  Lemme take them to downtown Cleveland for a while...  oh, the
} hell with it, lemme just adjust a few things...
}
} root> purge users
} User: bob@main.zoltan.com
} Purging...
} User: doug@main.zoltan.com
} Purging...
}
} root> recall *
} Recall: retrieving lenore@dark.room.edu
}       retrieving cruiser1@earth.sol.com
}       retrieving cruiser2@earth.sol.com
} ^Z
} Stopped
} root> fg &
} [recall *]
}
} ...  now we'll see some genocide as they try to figure out where all
} their access codes went.  "Gee Bob, where is our codes?" "I don't know,
} Doug.  Where the hell are all the cruisers?" I can see it all now...
} mass confusion, yeah...  and Kim is plenty happy on Earth, thank you
} very much.
}
} Now leave me alone, before I decide to do something REALLY nasty to you.
}
} The Oracle hath spoken...


235-03    (33161 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great and Wonderous Oracle, I hope I'm not bothering
> you too much, but your last answer left me somewhat
> puzzled.  My question mentioned that I've enjoyed being
> the living incarnation of the Oracle for two dozen questions,
> and I like it a lot, and what can I do with myself when the
> unthinkable occurs and they're aren't any questions to be
> answered.  (Of course, it was a much wittier question in
> person.)
>
> And your answer, in part, read like this...
> "This incarnation has the same problem.  ... I, too, approach madness
> when the Oracle has no questions to ask. ... We must start an
> organization of Oracle addicts.  Perhaps a twelve-step program is
> the key -- you know, like what AA has.  Too bad that all of us are
> male -- it'd be a great way to meet women otherwise. ..."
>
> This is all well and good, and I don't mean to question your
> omniscience or invoke your wrath or anything, but, er, I'm
> female.  Is there something missing from the help file
> that I should know about before it's too late?  And does this
> mean I'll never be invited to join the mystical priesthood
> of the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Female?  That's impossible.  There are no women on the nets.  What are
} you trying to do, play mind games with me?  Get my hopes up that in this
} isolated, womanless world of computer nerds, of insane thesis advisors
} and false friends and unrelenting loneliness, there are actually women?
} I think that women must be mythical beasts, like unicorns.  I've never
} met one on the net, and I am absolutely certain that you are really
} male.
}
} Yes, I wrote that answer -- this particular incarnation of the Oracle.
} Look at yourself in the mirror.  Are you sure that that's the reflection
} of a woman?  Perhaps you have eye trouble.  Try looking at yourself
} naked.  (In privacy, of course.) Look in the mirror.  Look at your body.
} Compare it with pictures of naked women.  Does it really look more like
} a woman's body than a man's?  Try seeing a specialist.  Have a
} chromosome test, while you're at it.
}
} Well, suppose that you really are a woman.  I'm not saying that it's
} likely or that I've made a mistake, but let's just make that incredible
} supposition.  No, you will not be expelled from the Oracular priesthood
} or anything.  Male incarnations will have to be a little more
} gentlemanly and write fewer answers that demean women, but apart from
} that your sex should cause no problems at all.  Except for you.  You
} will receive vast amounts of e-mail from love-starved young men all
} around the world, who care only that you're female, intelligent, and not
} as fat as Roseanne Barr.  You will have a whole male harem of nerdy
} suitors willing to die for you.
}
} Actually, I kind of hope against hope that you really are female...


235-04    (31352 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All day long it's Lisa this, Lisa that.  Who IS this Lisa person?  What
> does she look like?  What does she want?  How can I meet her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In spite of your lack of humility before the Greatness which is The
} Oracle, I will enlighten you with an answer.
}
} L.I.S.A. is an acronym for Label It with a Silly Acronym.
}
} It was created by the C.I.A., in conjunction with I.B.M. to confound
} the K.G.B., and all the rest of those damn commies (D.C.'s)!  The
} reasoning was simple:  if employees of Big Blue (B.B.) understood what
} the hell was going on, then those D.C.'s would too.  This would be an
} unacceptable situation (U.S.).  The key to this C.C.C.P. (Completely
} Confuse the Commies Plan) was to give every mundane and trivial project,
} department and product (P.D.P.'s) a L.I.S.A.
}
} While the D.C.'s thought they were escaping with top-secret information
} on the S.T.A.R. W.A.R.S. defense system, they actually scammed info on
} the "Solve This Algorithm Recursively With A Recursive Solution" plan,
} created by I.B.M.'s M.W.D. (Make Work Division), in conjunction with
} F.T.D. (Feeding The Dog), the people who brought you F.U.B.A.R.
}
} The next time you turn on the T.V. to watch N.B.C., you don't know what
} you're going to get, so B.C. (Be Careful!).
}
} You owe me a B.L.T., A.S.A.P., no C.O.D.'s, please!


235-05    (25421 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I bet you don't publish this question in the Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's not really a question, is it?  It's a statement with a
} question mark on its arse end instead of the more-appropriate
} exclamation mark or period.
}
} Will it get published...well, that depends largely on this incarnation
} of the Oracle.  Can I and will I come up with so stunningly witty a
} response that your poor, stupid excuse for a question will appear in all
} of its dubious glory in a collection of Oracularities, solely on the
} strength of my effort?  Should I bother?  What's in it for me?  Are you
} a charming and pretty and intelligent woman who will make passionate
} love to me in return for a real effort?  No:  you don't even know how to
} write a question, and by my Oracular Powers I can be certain that you're
} not even female.  Bribery?  Well, a poor student like you can't afford
} my services.  Threats?  You don't know who I am or where I am or how you
} can hurt me.  Nyaah!  And I can rain threats on you -- probably they
} won't come to pass, but you can't be absolutely certain that, for
} instance, you will wake up tomorrow as a pretty young whore, or perhaps
} Barbara Bush.  Or Millie the literary dog.  The Oracle has powerful
} friends who can do things to you that you'd think impossible.
}
} I grow tired of this.  You are right -- your dimwit "question" will
} never get published here.  Try IEEE Transactions on Knowledge and Data
} Engineering.


235-06    (12146 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that Christmas started as a private venture in some guy's
> garage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Close. It started in this guy's barn behind an inn. Pee-yew.
}
} Mr. Chris Chris began marketing his own brand of winter holiday,
} first locally in Judea, then rapidly expanding through the Roman
} Empire and beyond. It was a nice healthy business, but nothing
} like what you see today.
}
} Along about that time, there were various competing holidays,
} including 1) Christmas, 2) Xmas, 3) Hanukkah, 4) St. Satan's Day,
} 5) Fourth of July, 6) Cinco de Mayo, 7) Baseball Opening Day,
} 8) Santa's Merrie Olde Day, 9) Macy's Year End Sale, 10) Jesus's
} Birthday Blowout, 11) St. Nicholas's Day, and 12) Easter. It was
} an exciting time to be alive, mainly because the B.C. years were
} finally over and people could start counting the years forward
} instead of backward, allowing them to apply their brains to more
} worthwhile areas of interest. The healthy spirit of competition that
} bloomed caused many changes in the holiday business shortly thereafter.
}
} As in any competition, there were some early casualties. Xmas was
} bought out by Christmas, in a deal that was ominous of future
} leveraged buyouts.  Mr. X sold out his interest, and retired to
} Bermuda. There was some talk of his starting a spring holiday
} named XXX, but the dirty movie industry muddied the waters too
} greatly, and he gave up.
}
} Hanukkah at one time was a major contender, but suffered from a
} serious marketing problem, namely that none of the proprietors
} could agree on how to spell the damn thing. Hannuka, Honakah,
} Hanuka, and even Chanukkah openly competed for the consumer'e
} eye, hopelessly fragmenting its impact in the marketplace.
} In retrospect, it may have been fortunate to have been so badly
} splintered, because it thereby managed to avoid the attention
} (and financial resources) of the bigger holidays. It has even
} managed to make a modest resurgence in recent times.
}
} Some of the holidays simply disappeared without a trace. St.
} Satan's Day, for instance, suddenly stopped being celebrated
} due to the bad press surrounding a few of the wilder parties
} it encouraged. The demise of others, like Baal Day, is shrouded
} in mystery.
}
} A number of mildly successful holidays acheived true acceptance
} only when they were moved to different days, owing to the stiff
} competition. Fourth of July, Cinco de Mayo and Baseball Opening
} Day were moved earlier in the year, and have become resounding
} successes. It was a particularly felicitous move for Baseball,
} which was already under pressure to reduce the number of "Game
} Postponed - Snow" items in the daily newspaper.
}
} Christmas would never have become the institution it now is, if
} not for the acquisition of Santa's Merrie Olde Day a few years
} later. This required Chris Chris's flash of insight to take the
} basic concept of Santa (which was originally a cross between
} Old King Cole and Humpty Dumpty), and replace the idea of giving
} presents TO Santa with that of receiving presents FROM him. We
} now take this for granted, but it was a big risk at the time.
} Naysayers warned that parents would never allow their children
} to sit on a strange old man's lap, and be given candy and toys.
} But with careful attention to image (Santa's fangs were the first
} to go), Chris proved the so-called experts wrong.
}
} Christmas/Merrie Olde Day became such a success, in fact, that the
} other holidays, such as the ones named at the end of the above
} list, were bought outright for cash. It was decided to keep
} Easter separate and move it, as a form of vertical integration.
}
} Nowadays, in the Big Money societies that are all too prevalent,
} you don't get a choice of holiday. You like Christmas, or you
} lump it. (It is refreshing to see the resurgence in Hanukkah
} celebrations, fostered by people who are sick and tired of the
} monopolistic situation.) Enforcement of the antitrust laws
} is needed to break up the powerful Christmas interests.
}
} Anyway, the guy who invented Christmas wasn't too sharp about
} patents and trademarks, and failed to protect the name of his
} holiday before it came into universal acceptance as THE winter
} holiday. So although it had private beginnings, you are free
} to use the name without payment of royalty or fear of prosecution.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Isotoner gloves.


235-07    (13451 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is everyone using C++ these days?  The spec is so complicated,
> and has so many side effects, that it looks like the Ada of the
> 90s.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grade inflation threatened to become a serious problem in
} the 80s, and educators across the U.S. are attempting
} to counter this trend in the 90s by giving lower grades,
} but making more exact use of the plus and minus designations.
}
} As you've noticed, many people are using C++.  This translates
} in percentage terms to 63.75.  In the 1950's, this would have
} been a C+ (allowing for rounding error).  In the 1970's, this
} would have been a B in the social sciences, and a B+ in everything
} else except Creative Writing or at the University of California
} at Santa Cruz (in which cases it would have been an S).  In the
} 1980's, this score would translate to a letter grade of A for
} pre-medical students and those planning to attend graduate school.
} For everyone else, it was an A-.
}
} Under the new system, certain classes may additionally contain
} a prefix procedure to modify their grade data, in order
} to evaluate along two dimensions simultaneously.  For example,
} a Physical Education grade of --B++, which would translate to a
} percentage achievement score of 73.82, with the prefix
} indicating that the person wasn't really trying very hard.
}
} The grade of C++ was indeed designed to be the Achievement
} Daily Average (ADA) in the 90s (across all classes over
} the course of the year, though not necessarily on any given day),
} and the Oracle is very impressed that you noticed this.  Because
} it will be the new average score, she predicts that you'll be
} seeing a lot more of C++.


235-08    (12641 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous oracle answer me this please:
> What is Congessional ethics,  what is military intellegence, what is
> the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?  Thank you oh oracle!
>    Wilson

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My goodness, Wilson, you are an inquisitive fellow.  You do know that
} these are being charged to your home phone bill, don't you?
}
} Congressional Ethics: Saying, "Oh, no, I couldn't," the _first_ time
} you are offered a bribe.  If the other party insists, it is good form
} to ask if you are being taped, but then accept the bribe.  One mustn't
} be rude, especially to a constituent with alot of money.
}
} Military Intelligence: Knowing as much information as possible about
} your superior officer.  Remember, knowledge is power.
}
} That Stupid Swallow Question: First of all, "air speed velocity" is
} redundant.  The airspeed of a swallow is 30 knots, 35 if he's had it's
} coffee.  And, before you ask, no, it doesn't matter if it's an African
} or European Swallow.  You trust a bunch of British comedians for
} important biological information like this?  Foolish mortal.
}
} You owe the Oracle more money than you can possibly repay, and the
} Oracle doesn't particularly want your first-born child.


235-09    (13541 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrously arcane and obscure Oracle, tell me, please,
> Is it all over between us?  My first question brought your
> soulful reply even before I logged out!  My follow-up question
> brought the joy of your wisdom to me yet more quickly still.
> But then, oh woe to relate this, I wrote yet again, and even
> though I didn't ask about the meaning of life, it's been days
> and days without a response from you!  Why are you ignoring
> me?  What it something I said?  Is there someone else?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Child, child!  Have patience!  You are not forgotten.  The problem is
} that some incarnations of the Oracle are at net sites that send and
} receive e-mail only once or twice a day.  With bad luck, it could take
} three days or more for a reply!  Also, note that some incarnations are
} so perverse as not to answer the questions put to them -- they simply
} discard them without replying!  Horrible things later happen to these
} wretches, such as possession by the ghost of Elanor Roosevelt,
} transformation into copies of Roseanne Barr, metamorphosis into cave
} newts, and the like.  But the software at iuvax lacks the Oracle's own
} precognitive abilities, and so it waits for an answer that never comes
} -- and only then does it send the question out to someone who is more
} worthy.
}
} Have patience.  You are a sweet child.  Lisa is still beautiful but she
} grows bitchy.  Would you like your consciousness transferred into her
} body?  The result would be a superb woman, someone you'd really enjoy
} being.


235-10    (13154 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose superior wisdom makes every mortal being
> appear as but the merest of slugs, whose scalp has never been
> plagued by dandruff, out of whose nostrils no hair is sticking,
> the Smurfs of whose lunchbox are the most beautiful blue in color,
> whose snakeskin jacket is the ultimate symbol for individuality
> and personal freedom, whose infinite riches would easily allow
> It to give each of Its disciples $28 if It wanted to, whose Fender
> Jaguar is exquisitly well-tuned, and whose collection of garden
> gnomes is the most extensive in the entire history of the universe,
> please tell me... Oh sod, I forgot the question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hell, with an introduction THAT obsequious, the Oracle will SUPPLY a
} question.  The Oracle will even give you a choice.  OK, how about:
}
} > What is the meaning of life?
}
} Sorry, over quota on life meanings.  Next.
}
} > <mumble> <mumble> Lisa <mumble> HUGE breasts <mumble> baby oil?
}
} If the Oracle answered every Lisa question that came down the pipe, the
} Meta-Cray would never have time for anything else important, like
} expiring old news and stuff.  I suggest writing to the Lisa Fan Club at
} lisa-fans@lisavax.getalife.yesyou.org.  Don't use "lisa-request" unless
} you know Her VERY well.
}
} > How can we solve the Kuwait problem nonviolently?
}
} While the Oracle is infallible in all matters of international
} politics, Poppy has asked Me, as a personal favor, not to answer this
} one, since he has his heart set on a nice little war.  Musn't
} disappoint the leader of the free world; anyway, he promised he'd get
} the Oracle's NSF grant extended.
}
} > Is Fermat's Last Theorem really true?
}
} The Oracle has a truly remarkable proof, but it's been archived for
} disk space reasons.
}
} > How can I get the Oracle to answer my questions?
}
} Ah, this is a good one.  An introduction like that above is an
} excellent start.  The Oracle would also like to recommend the inclusion
} of negotiable currency as an excellent method of rapidly advancing in
} the input queue.  While the Oracle is already wealthy beyond imagining,
} it's the thought the counts.  Big thoughts count more.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pair of boots.  Well shined.


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