} I'm sorry you never contacted me before
} this... such addictions are more easily halted in the earlier stages,
} when you're still experimenting with Read-News. But you've admitted you
} have a problem, and that's a very important first step, sometimes the
} hardest part of rehabilitation. As for the rest of the treatment, there
} are several very good centers in various locations across the country to
} help you kick your habit, including a new wing in the Betty Ford Center
} devoted entirely to RNS (Read-News Syndrome) research and rehab.
} However, these clinics are expensive, so if you cannot afford the
} treatment, here is a fairly simple regimen you can perform in your own
} home, with the help of an understanding loved one, parent, or friend.
} The first step:
} 1) Detoxification: your system must be flushed out and all thoughts of
} read-news expelled. The best way to accomplish this is to sit in front
} of a television set watching "I Love Lucy" reruns for 20 hours straight.
} Harsh methods, but effective. Unfortunately, this can lead to its own
} problems, but the clinics available for dealing with I.L.L.S. are much
} There are two possible paths you can take for a second step, both
} equally effective.
} 2a) Cold Turkey: take a sledgehammer to whatever terminal/device you're
} using. Stay away from modems and networks. Whenever you get the urge
} to look at read-news, have a stick of gum instead. Think about baseball
} statistics. This method takes some time, but is easier as time goes on.
} The other option is:
} 2b) Negative Reinforcement: you'll need some help with this one. Have
} a terminal with read-news perpetually available. Have someone strap you
} into a chair in front of the terminal. Every time that your eyes stray
} to the screen, have them thwack you on the head with a ball-peen hammer.
} You will swiftly lose any desire to ever look at read-news, if you don't
} lose consciousness first.
} Repeat this regimen for 90 days, and by
} the end you may be exhausted, strung out, or hospitalized, but you will
} look better and feel better about yourself. And read-news will be out
} of your life.
} And remember: December 17 is the Great
} American Read-Out. Help stamp out read-news addiction by sponsoring
} someone you know, and helping them kick the habit.
} (Now if only it were that easy to stop perpetually writing to the
} You owe the Oracle a fix of anything.