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Internet Oracularities #236

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236, 236-01, 236-02, 236-03, 236-04, 236-05, 236-06, 236-07, 236-08, 236-09, 236-10


Usenet Oracularities #236    (19 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 29 Nov 90 19:14:44 -0500

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236   19 votes 54523 23860 15742 13a41 03b23 66340 13726 11449 01594 18622
236   3.1 mean  2.7   2.9   3.1   3.1   3.3   2.3   3.5   4.0   3.8   2.8


236-01    (54523 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is up?  And why does it fizzle when I say strawberry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Up is very good; down is sometimes better; up and down can be wonderful
} indeed, but the Oracle doesn't recommend it unless you're in good
} physical shape. It fizzles when you say strawberry because of that
} early childhood accident with the jam. You should really try to get
} over that -- I've talked with Judy and she really thought you were
} quite cute, and it's no use asking about up and down unless you get
} over the strawberries.
}
} You owe the Oracle a raspberry upside down cake.


236-02    (23860 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nobody sends me electronic mail any more, except for you, wise Oracle.
> You realize that you are the only friend I have in the world, don't you?
> Everybody else holds me in contempt.  Actually, you probably do too, but
> so far you have been kind enough not to admit it and anyhow you always
> answer my e-mail, which is so good of you that it makes me want to weep
> because you are being so kind.
>
> Anyhow I just want to write and thank you for being yourself.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There there, my dear friend. I don't reply to your notes out of mere
} obligation, but because I value you highly as a person. You are a
} worthwhile human being, which for some reason the world has not yet
} recognized, but be assured, your time will come.
}
} Things always seem darkest before dawn's first light. Let's see if we
} can't find some news to cheer you up.
}
} pearlygates% telnet future-node
} Trying 128.-1.1.1
} Connected to future-node
} Escape character is '^]'
}
} GodOS UNIX (future-node)
}
} login: root
} Password:
} Last login: Tue Nov 26, 1437AD 08:44:34 on console
} GodOS Release 4.1 (DB50) #1: Thu Aug 23 11:13:17 CDT 1990
} You have mail (14409301 unread).
} Read now? (y/n) n
}
} future-node% ls
} botha           cuomo           hussein         thatcher
} bush            gorbachev       pope            wellstone
} cher            hopeless-dweeb  quayle
} future-node% cd hopeless-dweeb
} future-node% /etc/predict
} Future All-Telling Enabler, Version 3.0 (beta)
} Current database is hopeless-dweeb
} For help, type ?
} FATE> find next good news
} Searching..............................................
} Searching...
} FATE> display
} Waitress (Thelma) at corner diner smiles at subject.
} FATE> when
} This Friday evening.
} FATE> find next good news; display
} Searching..
} Thelma consents to a date with subject.
} FATE> find next 4 good news; display
} Searching......
} Thelma falls in love with subject, agrees to marry subject.
} Thelma's aged aunt wins lottery.
} Thelma's aged aunt dies from the surprise.
} Thelma inherits $3 million.
} FATE> find next 4 news; display
} Searching
} Thelma decides to run off with rock star two days before marrying
} subject.
} Subject catches the flu.
} Subject's computer link to the Oracle goes down for a week.
} Subject becomes despondent, attempts suicide.
} FATE> ^D
} future-node% ^D
} pearlygates%
}
} Whoops. Forgot to add the qualifier "good" to the requests. *Ahem*.
} Well, I hope the bad news doesn't spoil the good for you. Anyway,
} it seems like things will be looking up for you shortly, so cheer
} up. Just remember to take your vitamin C tablets, OK? I'll talk to
} the sysadmins; they can probably patch around the mail feed outage.
} It probably won't happen that way anyway, I think; not necessarily,
} at least. I'll try and take care of it beforehand.
}
} You owe the Oracle an, uh, oh never mind. Bummer.


236-03    (15742 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wisest of the wiser than most, why do people spell Sigmund
> Froid's name wrong?  That or why do they pronounce Sigmund Freud's name
> wrong?  I am very confused...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, let's explore that thought.  His name bothers you?  Uh huh.
} Why do you think that might be?  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Did you feel that way
} as a child?  Uh huh.  I see.  Uh huh.  Did your mother and father feel
} that way also?  Uh huh.  I see.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  You're blocking now.
} There's no sense in going on if you won't be honest with yourself and
} me.  Uh huh.  That's much better.
}
} Uh huh.  No, I don't think that's strange, but how does it make you feel
} about yourself?  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Oh, that's fairly common in
} families where there is a younger brother.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  That's
} quite all right, here's a kleenex.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Well, that's quite
} normally seen in women.  But after they reach maturity, they normally
} progress from clitoral ones to vaginal ones.  Uh huh.  I see.  Uh huh.
} Uh huh.  Do you now see the connection between Freud's beard and your
} mother's pubic hair?  Uh huh.  What does that say to you about Freud's
} tongue?  Uh huh.  Uh huh.
}
} Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  I see.  Uh huh.  Yes, that's a fairly common
} dream; when it happens, just remind yourself that the shopping cart is
} only a phallic symbol, and go back to sleep.  Uh huh.  No.  Uh huh.  I
} see.  Yes, sometimes a banana is just a banana.  Uh huh.  I see.
} Please, keep your hands to yourself.  Uh huh.  I see.  Uh huh.  Yes, if
} you wish, but be sure to clean up the couch when you are done.  Uh huh.
} I see.  I see.  Uh huh.  Well, I'm afraid our time is up for this week.
} Please make an appointment with the Usenet secretary for, oh, two days
} from now.  And call me at once if you have any more of the urges
} regarding the grape jelly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pacifier, or a thumb to suck on.  Oh, and $125.


236-04    (13a41 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I turn my office mate into a beautiful woman who will fall in
> love with me?  I'm getting sick of him the way he is, and such a
> metamorphosis would not only dispose of his current self but replace
> that minx who dumped me last month for a would-be rock singer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is always happy to help a supplicant in need.  The spell
} that you need is available by anonymous FTP from
} oraclevax.oracle.heaven.org, directory
} /pub/oracle/spells/sex/R/sex-transform.  Since you want an instant Love
} At First Sight reaction, replace the yak blood with a rooster's comb,
} and let stand for twelve minutes rather than ten.
}
} Works like a charm.  Well, of course, it IS a charm.
}
} OK, that looks good.  NO YOU FOOL, DON'T DRINK IT YOURSELF!  <poof> Oh,
} dear, you've changed yourself into an gorgeous woman who ... just fell
} in love with your officemate.  Uh, shouldn't you at least find a
} conference room before you ... well, I guess not.
}
} This one's on the Oracle.  The reverse potion is also available by
} anonymous FTP in /pub/oracle/spells/sex/R/sex-transform-anti, when you
} two run out of condoms.


236-05    (03b23 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What's the best way to kick the habit of read-news?!?
>
>       Thanx.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                               I'm sorry you never contacted me before
} this...  such addictions are more easily halted in the earlier stages,
} when you're still experimenting with Read-News.  But you've admitted you
} have a problem, and that's a very important first step, sometimes the
} hardest part of rehabilitation.  As for the rest of the treatment, there
} are several very good centers in various locations across the country to
} help you kick your habit, including a new wing in the Betty Ford Center
} devoted entirely to RNS (Read-News Syndrome) research and rehab.
} However, these clinics are expensive, so if you cannot afford the
} treatment, here is a fairly simple regimen you can perform in your own
} home, with the help of an understanding loved one, parent, or friend.
}
} The first step:
}
} 1) Detoxification:  your system must be flushed out and all thoughts of
} read-news expelled.  The best way to accomplish this is to sit in front
} of a television set watching "I Love Lucy" reruns for 20 hours straight.
} Harsh methods, but effective.  Unfortunately, this can lead to its own
} problems, but the clinics available for dealing with I.L.L.S.  are much
} cheaper.
}
}     There are two possible paths you can take for a second step, both
} equally effective.
}
} 2a) Cold Turkey:  take a sledgehammer to whatever terminal/device you're
} using.  Stay away from modems and networks.  Whenever you get the urge
} to look at read-news, have a stick of gum instead.  Think about baseball
} statistics.  This method takes some time, but is easier as time goes on.
}
} The other option is:
}
} 2b) Negative Reinforcement:  you'll need some help with this one.  Have
} a terminal with read-news perpetually available.  Have someone strap you
} into a chair in front of the terminal.  Every time that your eyes stray
} to the screen, have them thwack you on the head with a ball-peen hammer.
} You will swiftly lose any desire to ever look at read-news, if you don't
} lose consciousness first.
}
}                               Repeat this regimen for 90 days, and by
} the end you may be exhausted, strung out, or hospitalized, but you will
} look better and feel better about yourself.  And read-news will be out
} of your life.
}
}                               And remember:  December 17 is the Great
} American Read-Out.  Help stamp out read-news addiction by sponsoring
} someone you know, and helping them kick the habit.
}
} (Now if only it were that easy to stop perpetually writing to the
} Oracle...)
}
} You owe the Oracle a fix of anything.


236-06    (66340 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hypothetically speaking, how may I topple the priesthood and omniscient
> body of a group giving answers to questions and replace it with my
> own Marxist-Leninist regime? I would appreciate an answer that involves
> no personal risk.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too late, comrade!
}
} And to insure you never tell anyone about this, I'm sending you a
} computer virus!
}                            \  /\  /
}                  /    \  /\ \/\/\/ /\  /    \
}                  \     \/  \/\/\/\/  \/     /
}                   \  /\    /\/\/\/\    /\  /
}                   /\/  \  /\/\/\/\/\  /  \/\
}                  /      \/\/\/\/\/\/\/      \
}                         /\/\/\/\/\/\/\
}                    /\  /  \/\/  \/\/  \  /\
}                   /  \/    \/    \/    \/  \
}                  /                          \
}                 /                            \
}
} You owe the Oracle some punctuation -- I'm running low.


236-07    (13726 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, I feel that in the spirit of true capitalism you should
> have competition. Therefore, I, Chi-Lai Ghe, representing the
> Fortune Cookie Guild, challenge you to a question duel. Below I
> enclose three sample questions and our Cookie answers. Top this!
>
> 1. What is the air speed velocity of an African swallow?
>    Cookie: "Ask your inner soul and you will be rewarded with truth."
>
> 2. How may we balance the budget? Signed, the United States Congress.
>    Cookie: "Your love life will soon take a turn for the better."
>
> 3. My thirteen-year-old wants to know "Is there really a Santa Claus?"
>    What should I tell her?
>    Cookie: "Confucious say, this above all else, be true to thine own
>    self."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, you guys have some sort of nerve, challenging me in my own forum.
} Well alright, it sort of sounds like fun, dueling with a whole guild.
}
} > 1. What is the air speed velocity of an African swallow?
} >    Cookie: "Ask your inner soul and you will be rewarded with truth."
}
}      Me: "30 kph with a good tailwind and clean feathers. Dirt slows it
}           down; hunger speeds it up, then kills it; coconuts don't
}           affect it because it can't peck through the shell, and
}           wouldn't want all those nasty tropical oils anyway; crosswinds
}           make it much faster because it just lands and takes Northwest
}           Airlines where it's already accumulated 18,000 frequent flier
}           miles."
}           Unlike certain people, the Oracle is quantitative.
}
} > 2. How may we balance the budget? Signed, the United States Congress.
} >    Cookie: "Your love life will soon take a turn for the better."
}
}      Me: "Get a second mortgage on the country from a Savings and Loan,
}           then declare bankruptcy and default on the loan. Don't worry
}           about what the company or its depositors will do - their
}           accounts are FSLIC insured."
}           Unlike certain people, the Oracle never resorts to irrelevance
}           when it can be stupid instead.
}
} > 3. My thirteen-year-old wants to know "Is there really a Santa Claus?"
} >    What should I tell her?
} >    Cookie: "Confucious say, this above all else, be true to thine own
} >    self."
}
}      Me: "Not anymore. Santa Claus lives in a pocket universe whose
}           contact with any child's world ends on their twelfth birthday,
}           or when the kid asks for too many toys her or his parents
}           can't afford, whichever comes first."
}           Although Kinder and Gentler than many, the Oracle talks
}           straight, and never miss-attributes garbled quotations.
}
} So, have you been sufficiently humiliated, demoralized, ground into dirt
} and blown away?  A wise man knows the value of few words.  You will make
} a small sum of money from an investment -- give it to the Oracle with a
} nice bowl of hot and sour soup.


236-08    (11449 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom teeth impact the whole world with
> dental agony,
>
> I haven't had a dental checkup in ten years. Is it worth it to go in,
> or should I just blow my jaw off with a shotgun and be done with dental
> floss once and for all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Comparison of Dental Checkup Techniques:  A Field Study by the Oracle,
} MD, DDS, PHD, MS, BS, CPA, and a BMF besides.
}
} One hundred mortal subjects were selected based on their lack of dental
} checkups over a period no less than five years previous to this date.
} This was accomplished by the convenient method of rounding up people
} found in college computer labs on Friday and Saturday nights, and giving
} those people Breathalyzer(TM) tests.  Those for whom the Breathalyzer
} machine turned sickly green were selected as subjects.
}
} Fifty of the subjects were selected at random to receive a dental
} checkup via Method A (dentist), while the others received Method B
} (twelve-gauge).  The experiment was triple-blind - i.e., the subjects
} did not know at any time which treatment they were receiving, the
} experimenters did not know at any time which treatment they were
} administering, and the Oracle has consistently disavowed knowledge of
} the entire experiment.
}
} Criteria listed below were checked during treatment and at various times
} afterwards, as appropriate.
}
} Criteria               Method A                Method B
} --------               --------                --------
} patient expressed      yes, quite loudly       patients' expressions
}   pain during                                    were priceless during
}   treatment                                      treatment
} patient requested      yes, quite loudly       patient seemed too
}   painkillers                                    surprised to react
}   during treatmen
} patient was able       yes, some left early    patients were kept for
}   go home same day                               further supervision
} patient expressed      yes, there were         no patient spoke out
}   negative feelings      complaints              against their
}   about treatment                                treatment
}   afterwards
} patient mentioned      no such comments        all patients sat in
}   looking forward to                             chair, quietly
}   next treatment                                 looking forward
} mortality rate         zero percent            102 percent (one
}   within a week                                  experimenter was
}                                                  accidentally shot)
} lawsuits filed         three                   forty-four
}   within a week
}
} As is clear from the data above, Method B is superior to Method A in
} almost all respects.  Method B is less expensive, much simpler and
} quicker, and leads to far fewer complaints on the part of the patient.
} Further study is likely to reveal that Method B can be administered by a
} "dentist" with far less experience than that required by Method A - that
} is, a duck-hunting license will suffice in lieu of a DDS.
}
} You owe the Oracle all that dental floss you won't be needing.


236-09    (01594 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, so great and wise, please answer my question;
>
> Why does the hot water run out just as I put conditioner on my hair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a straightforward application of Murphy's Law that requires no
} further elaboration.
}
} What you should have asked me is what you can do about the problem.
} The answer is to use new Pert Plus!  Shampoo and conditioner in one
} bottle!  Just wash and go.  Saves time!  No hot water problems!  And new
} Pert Plus helps control even the toughest dandruff!  Why waste time
} with two separate bottles when now there's new Pert Plus!
}
}                       --------------------
}
} BTW, for a very reasonable fee, the Oracle will promote your company's
} products in its answers.  An endorsement from the Oracle carries
} enormous credibility!
}
} We deliver superb demographics!  Our studies show that Oracle users are:
}  -- young (80% are 18-25),
}  -- well-educated (98% are in college or are college graduates), and
}  -- have profound personal problems (time since last lay: 2-4 weeks,
}     24%; more than 4 weeks 61%).
}
} This is a market ripe for exploitation with products in:
}  -- personal care (56% don't wash enough),
}  -- sexual hygiene (while 23% are embarrassed to buy condoms, 46% buy
}       more than they need, whenever their unlaid friends are watching),
}  -- software (67% use computer games as a sexual substitute at least
}       once a week),
}  -- forestry volumetric equipment (32% express an interest in the
}       productivity of woodchucks).
}
} Don't let your competitors beat you to this remarkable marketing
} opportunity!  Call our sales department now to find out how simple and
} effective Oracle-Advertising can be!


236-10    (18622 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The horse kicks back the afternoon by a long shot. In red, the
> jealous lizzard plays the drawer out of the lawnmower. But read
> the bus over the kitchen skin while the exaggeration turns like
> a butterfly. Don't forget between the three books. After all,
> cars fly pies in the morning and you may need to shave the day
> by boiling my glasses in a vacuum cleaner.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The grey carpet mold under palm trees sweetly in the purple sky. Prime
} juxtaposition for factions of unearthly mountainous creamers lies within
} jello-roll coated television raster pickup spectrum info. Telephones,
} telephones, telephones
}                       TELEPHONES!!!!
} Why are there so many telephones????
} Why are there SOOOOO many buttons on telephones????
} Buttons and buttons fopr eveything like lights and stoves and toasters
} and cars and microwaves and CD players and igloos.  A BUTTON FOR AN
} IGLOO??
} HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
} Whadaya?  Press it and the igloo collapses into an icecube that you can
} put into your gin and tonic.  HAH, drinkable domiciles.  Now is that an
} idea or is that an idea?  No room for choice there, ducky?  No room or
} no room, what?  Your perception of reality is directly related to your
} IQ by applying the fourier transformation to non-linear functions.
} IS MTV GOD?
} No, but they sure as hell wanna be.
} "I LOVE MY MTV" sung to cathedral music. Indeed!!!<indignant snort>
} But it's true though, those motherfuckers want to influence the whole
} world.  Look at that, it's MTV this, MTV that, @#@#$%$^%%$^^%^&%%#$#@#.
} UP YOURS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
}
} <Sounds of exploding TV set>
}
}
}
}
} So you think YOU had a bad trip??
}
} You owe the oracle three sheets and a pigs wing.


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