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24 Jul 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:39:28 GMT

Internet Oracularities #238

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Usenet Oracularities #238    (15 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 3 Dec 90 00:20:59 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

238   15 votes 12543 10473 53340 03633 11751 12552 11472 15333 06252 2011b
238   3.4 mean  3.4   3.7   2.4   3.4   3.3   3.3   3.5   3.1   3.2   4.3


238-01    (12543 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I change careers from theoretical computer scientist to cover
> girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten Approaches To Changing Careers From Theoretical Computer
} Scientist To Cover Girl ((C)1990 Oraclecom(TM)(R))
}
} 10. Just fantasize.
} 9.  Pick out a tiny swimsuit from the Cindy Crawford Collection(TM),
}     squeeze yourself into it, and visit a modeling agency.  If you act
}     normal, maybe they won't catch on.
} 8.  Lip-synch.
} 7.  Start with really minor changes, like from Theoretical Computer
}     Scientist to Gross Drooling Geek, and then move on to changes of a
}     purely physical nature (ie, Theoretical Computer Scientist to Small
}     Brained Andalusian Tree Frog), and then make the quantum leap to
}     improvements of a mental nature, such as Theoretical Computer
}     Scientist to High School Guidance Counselor.  With a few years
}     practice, not only will you have a much more impressive resume than
}     when you started, you may actually believe you can make the real
}     change.
} 6.  Invade a small Middle Eastern country (well, it's a good way to
}     relieve tensions due to sexual frustrations - in fact, I was talking
}     to khomeini@allah just the other day, and he says that if he could
}     have gotten just ONE blowjob a week...)
} 5.  Change your major from Computer Science (theoretical or otherwise)
}     to something covergirl/football player-ish, like Administrative
}     Science or Interdisciplinary Arts.
} 4.  [graphic description of self-service plastic surgery and gender
}      change operation deleted during SMTP connection from oraclevax by
}      moralityd under authorization of Jesse.Helms@censorship.mil (Big as
}      a Pickle)]
}     [Note appended: Jesse.Helms
}
}        This piece was appalling!  I read through it and was
}        disgusted!  Even after reading it the sixth time, it was
}        just as wonderful^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hdisgusting as the first!  I
}        took it home to my wife, and she was disgusted too!  I took it to
}        church, and the congregation passed it around and read it
}        closely, and not one of them failed to be disgusted!]
}
} 3.  Take a lot of drugs.  Pretty soon, you'll find reality malleable
}     enough, and you can become whatever you wish.  (Works for me.)
} 2.  When all else fails, hack root.
} 1.  Stop thinking 'Silicon Valley' in your future - think 'Silicone
}     Valley' instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a roll in the hay, after the change of course.


238-02    (10473 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is the oracle depicted as male?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle knows that your asking this question from an anti-sexist
} point of view. Therefore I will give you a totally objective,
} unbiased and non-sexist answer. Just to make sure, I will open my
} 800-HOT-LINE number so all of you can watch my language.
}
} There once was a man
} RINGGGGG
}       The oracle.
}       [Yes this is the equal opportunity foundation.
}        Why do those stories always have to begin with Man!?]
}       Oops, sorry.
} There once was a woman
} RINGGGGG
}       The oracle.
}       [Yes the e.o.f. again. Starting with woman is even more
}        hypocrite!]
}       OK, have it your way.
} There once was a person
} Message from root@heaven.above
}       WHY ALWAYS A PERSON, HOW ABOUT US!!!
}
} Well then, there once was an object that wanted to go to the movies.
} RINGGGGG
}       The oracle.
}       [The national Video Rental Organization here, don't you
}        realize that you are promoting the cinema over home-movies!]
}       Oh, pardon me.
} There once was an object that wanted to go out to rent a movie.
} RINGGGGG
}       Yes I bet this is the national Cinematic Inc?
}       [No this is the police, you really should not encourage
}        anyone to go out on the streets alone these days.]
}       Oh, I guess you're right.
} There once were two objects that wanted to go out to rent a movie.
} RINGGGGG
}       The oracle.
}       [National Cinematic Inc. We couldn't reach you earlier, the line
}        was buzzy but you realize that promoting video movies over the
}        big-screen movie is about as unfair as it gets don't you.]
}       All right!
} There once were two objects that wanted to see a motion picture.
} RINGGGGG
} OK OK, eh, that wanted to see a picture.
} RINGGGGG
} eh, something!
} RINGGGGG
}       Now what?
}       [Yes dear, mom here. Guess what I found in the attic yesterday?
}        Your old school pictures!]
}       Mom, your emberassing me! How often do I have to tell you not to
}       call me at work!
} Hggggggg.
} There once were two objects that wanted to see something.
} .
} .
} Hey, Nothing, great where was I.
} They, the objects, decided to go to the Zoo.
} RINGGGGG
}       The oracle.
}       [Yes with the national animal rights association. How can you
}        justify a visit to a Zoo. Those animals are kept their against
}        their will!]
}       $#%$#@!
} BANGGGGG
} Sofar for the telephone! FYA, I'm the oracle, I don't give a damn about
} all your petty opinions. The oracle is depicted as a man because he is a
} male chauvinist pig.  And I should know for I am the one and only, ever
} so enlightened oracle and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
}
} You owe the oracle a new telephone.


238-03    (53340 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ^%#? or it it just &*(@6 ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} it's f*@# you, %$$^!@#.


238-04    (03633 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear MR. ORACLE,
>
> Congratulations!  You may already be the winner of $25 million dollars!
> Imagine living an exciting fast paced lifestyle of leisure as if you
> were rich and successful!  Imagine escaping to far away lands in your
> personal 120 foot yacht, flying to Paris in your personal jet, eating at
> only the finest gourmet restaurants, entertaining celebrities and world
> leaders, dating the freshest international super models!  Yes, being the
> mentally abbreviated working class sod that you are, you of course have
> no chance of imagining (not to mention realizing) this level of capital
> sucess on your own, but through the madness of national marketing, we
> will upset the delicate balance of surival of the fittest and award the
> sum of $25 million cold hard cash to a random mailbox owner!  YOU MAY BE
> THIS PERSON!
>
> Now you're probably asking, "Duh, how do I know if I've won?".  Easy.
> Just following the simple 97 step procedure below, involving the
> purchase of 25 magazine subscriptions and licking 6 square yards of
> gummed backing.  We suggest you select "Easy Entrepreneur" and "Money
> Man".  In the unlikely event that you don't win the $25 million, you may
> want to become aquainted with the interworkings of capitalism at work so
> you won't have to depend on strangers offering free money in the future.
>
> Of course, there is no purchase necessary.  To take this route, just
> follow the simple 344 step procedure hidden in fine print somewhere
> within this mailer and lick 6 square yards of gummed backing.  Also,
> please print the words "NO PURCHASE" in large letters on the front of
> your envelope.  This is for internal filing purposes only and will not
> significantly effect your chances of winning.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> John Q. Public
> Publishers Outlet

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear MR. PUBLIC,
}
} Thank you very much for your stimulating question of 27 November.
} The Oracle is always pleased to hear from mortals, especially
} those at PUBLISHERS OUTLET.  The Oracle has read your letter
} carefully, and has found your question, "DUH, HOW DO I KNOW
} IF I'VE WON?" extremely interesting.  She is pleased to
} send you this personalized reply.
}
} RTFM
}
} Thank you again, MR. PUBLIC, for your interest in the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle an exciting free gift with her paid subscription.


238-05    (11751 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great, wise Oracle,
>
> Can you help me with this terrible problem? Every time I read the
> Usenet news, i find myself reading all the `naughty' newsgroups, like
> alt.desertshield and alt.sex.*? Is there any kind of group therapy to
> help me with this? Is there no way to stop the news flood.
>
> Thank you for Your kindness and patience.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One obvious cure would be to get the net so upset with you that your
} organization's newsfeed is cut. Alternatively, do something that will
} cause someone to write to your sysadmin, who will then delete your
} account from the computer. Techniques to accomplish this have been
} listed many times; here is a sample:
}
} - Send flames to soc.motss, "I don't know why you all want to go
}   against God's will."
} - Send flames to soc.culture.jewish, "Why does the media lend credence
}   to the holocost myth?"
} - Cross-post from any innocent newsgroup to talk.bizarre.
} - Post anything at all to alt.sex.bondage (depends on your sysadmin).
}
} This is known as the Cold Turkey method. You may prefer the Hot Turkey
} method, where you say to yourself, "I can do anything I want to with
} my own time, it's no concern of theirs." This rarely results in any
} reduction of newsreading time at all.
}
} Most find the Warm Turkey method works out well: simply ask all
} your friends to e-mail you the contents of the newsgroups you are
} interested in. You will find after a while that you spend less and
} less time in the news reader, although admittedly at the expense of
} more time in the mail program.
}
} Or you could forget about the Turkeys entirely, and go find a live
} human being to snuggle up to instead. Consult the Oracle's other
} pronouncements for suggestions on this topic.
}
} You owe the Oracle the collected wit and wisdom of Clay Bond.


238-06    (12552 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle who sees all--
>
> Now that the UN has given our latest cowboy-wanna-be-president the
> excuse to ignore the people that are trying to say that the economic
> sanctions just need another six months--what should all us
> draft-eligible students (ha!  that excuse doesn't count anymore!) do?
>
> Signed,
> Worried

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Picnic at the beach and get experience keeping the sand out of your
} food.
}
} Seriously, this reminds me of a lot of questions I got in the Dark Ages.
} You know, all these charming maidens would write me and ask how they
} could be saved from fire-breathing dragons who were gobbling up all the
} young virgins.  There is an obvious solution here!!  Would you rather
} lose be poked or be shishkabobbed?  Rather be on men or on menu?  Rather
} be with child or with charcoal?
}
} So I ask you, is this not the time to find yourself a gay lover?  Would
} you rather hang around in bars or wars?  Rather be bent or get sent?
} Rather meet loose queens or Hussein's?
}
} Alternatively, renounce your citizenship for that of the USSR.  Schools
} don't care.
}
} THE ORACLE HAS SPOKEN - NEXT!!


238-07    (11472 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rally round, Jeeves, old boy, I have been absolutely trumped! Miss
> Roberts has caught the unseemly idea that we should be engaged, and
> expressed as much to me over tea.  Whenever forced to give the old
> school shake with this gal I break out in rash and do the washeroo
> that might put Lady Macbeth to shame. This lady is the regular missing
> link between Darwin's chimps and chumps, I must say.
>
> And I had got as far as 'Er' and was wondering whatever could have
> brought this attack on, surely as fierce as any of Ghenghis
> Whats-his-name's fiasco, when in pops Bingo with a letter. From her
> mother, I presumed, calling me some names which she had forgotten to
> insert in previous communications. Or, of course, possibly expressing
> once more her conviction that I was a guffin, which, I thought, having
> had time to ponder over it, would be something in the nature of a
> bohunkus or a hammerhead.
>
> I am sorry to report that this did not deter Miss Roberts' affections
> in the least.  Please send 'round some foul foof that will spring this
> bear trap! I do beg your considerance.
>
> Yours in much upset,
>
> Bertram Wooster

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is sorry to report that you are a victim of a dreadful
} disease indeed -- Creeping Britishism. Its early symptoms can be
} as innocuous as pronouncing "schedule" wrong, or adding extra u's
} to words such as "color," or "parlor." I say, the later stages can
} get to be rather distressing, old boy, as the poor victim attempts
} to take the "tube" or the "underground" over to the "chemist's,"
} don't you know, nearly making him miss tea. The final stage is
} frightful; the patient must be confined to a regular hospital, I must
} say, a sad and colourless place where they watch BBC1 on the telly
} while popping 'round for a spot of tea and crumpets and reminiscing
} about World War I.  'Tis a bally shame, but rally round, old cook, this
} disease can be overcome, I must say, with a proper amount of
} determination, riding on the lift and pushing the pram on the telly
} biscuit fish 'n chips guffin bush-baby gaol don't you know jolly good
} old boy.  Tally ho!
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of crisps.


238-08    (15333 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a latent applience fetish...
>
> I am dating 3 appliences at the moment and I would like to
> know which one I should go steady with.
>
> The appliences are :-
>
> 1) A lawn mower
> 2) A blender
> 3) An IBM computer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well it really is dependent on whether you are going for sex or for a
} more stable relationship.  If you're just looking for sex try the
} IBM,they really are great with spread sheets and if you're the
} domineering type they have lots of buttons you can push and they're
} always willing to take your disk whether it is floppy or hard.
}  If you want a more stable,lawn-term relationship.  I would suggest the
} mower.  Of course they drink constantly and often smoke, so if these
} habits annoy you maybe you should stick with the blender.
}  The blender is puree at heart, They're fun to play games with since
} they're always willing to dice, and like the IBM they too have buttons
} you can press.
}
} You owe the oracle a subscription to alt.sex.appliances and an
} autographed picture of Linda Lovelace,a piece of swiss cheese,a
} doberman,and a blender.


238-09    (06252 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose very processors are too incredible for even my Mac IIcx
> to pretend to imagine dreaming about...  Whose humor is so great that
> You are the envy of Bill Waterson and Gary Larson...
>
> I read a few days ago in the Oracularities some suggestions on "How to
> get into the Oracularities." At the time, I, like many other innocent
> and healthy people thought the answer to be witty, intelligent, and
> genuinely Oracular!  However, I am disturbed to find that the Oracle
> wasn't merely teasing its constituent, but divining the absolute truth!!
>
> I.e. In today's Oracularities, #235:
> Lisa was mentioned twice
> Aliens once and in the answer the "login" trick was used
> sex/women three times
> asking about the Oracularities was used once
>
> This adds up to 7 out of 10 of the Oracularities.  Now, I actually have
> a few questions if you have the time, oh super-magnificent one, who
> needs not any help in separating or viewing quarks and their gluon
> interactions...
>
> What about the other three?  Are these just anamolies?  Or are these
> actually quality answers that don't need to follow some prescription to
> "get in."
>
> Is this a trend?  Will I be seeing more obscure references to this chick
> with a bod, and apparently little brain?
>
> Will more of that "login" stuff get in?  And if so can I get ahold of
> translations?  You must forgive the fact that I am a mere computing
> novice with my ultra-user friendly network and mail system, and that..
> and yes I admit it...  I am not in fact a Computer Science major.  In
> case your records are not up to date I'm a Russian Area Studies major
> doubled with either Economics or Physics.
>
> And while I'm at it, why am I not getting any sex?  Why is the woman I
> love worried about, "not giving as much as [she] would get"?  (therefore
> avoiding any form of higher relationship (including physical)
>
> Is that brief lapse just a cheap attempt by myself to get into the
> Oracularities?  Is this whole message, by mentioning many of the
> prescribed "How to's" in this question a skewed attempt to accomplish
> the same?  Do I really need a psychiatrist?  Is this too many questions?
> Oracle..  I am blinded by your light and your knowledge, I entreat the
> to assist me in my search for Truth and Knowledge (and the obtainment of
> Beauty)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, the incarnation who wrote the "how to get into the
} Oracularities" piece was right:  there are a few simple tricks that will
} gull the Priesthood into putting something pretty dull and pretty
} hackneyed into the Oracularities.  This incarnation cannot understand
} the bad taste and easy manipulability of those who choose what gets put
} in.
}
} Another problem is that most questions and answers are quite amazingly
} dull.  Just about the only ones left end up falling into one of a few
} categories.  Fashions vary:  Lisa is a perennial favorite, because the
} readership and writership are horny nerds; anything involving sex is a
} good bet, and anything involving sex mixed with a bit of weirdness
} (someone changing into a beautiful, copulatable young woman, for
} example) also has a chance if it doesn't disgust people too much.
}
} This incarnation cannot understand the appeal of the "login" stuff.
} It's not funny any more...perhaps we on the net are such dweebs that
} anything purporting to be a transcription of a login session (note how
} the OS is always a parody of SunOS) is automatically thought wonderful.
}
} Anyhow, we have both been too dull and long-winded for this to make it
} into a collection.  Try being bright and witty and terse.  Obvious ploys
} to get in, like this one, are going to go out of fashion soon.  Only
} Lisa and sex endureth forever.


238-10    (2011b dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O semipotent, sometimes funny, usually boring and tedious Oracle,
>
>       I have a question that is probably beyond your vastly limited
> talents, but you may be able to find someone or something that will
> temporarily give you the ability to have the necessary insight.
>
>       The Oracle always responds to my questions without being funny.
> It seems reasonable to expect that the supposedly all-knowing,
> omniscient Oracle could occasionally come up with a humorous reply to my
> profound questions, since this is what I want from the Oracle, but this
> has yet to happen.
>
>       Why can't the Oracle answer my questions in the way that I want
> them to be answered?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No!  You're not doing it!  You're not actually telling me that I'm not
} funny!  Great, now I've had it.  Oh no, they've broken through the
} door!  They're handcuffing me!  They said one more complaint and I'd
} be arrested, and here they are, making good on it... (whimper)
}
} - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
}
} (Scene: A courtroom.  Another trial is going on right now.  The
} defendant is accused of breaking into a department store late at night
} and stealing money out of the cash registers.)
}
} Judge:        Call your first witness.
}
} Counsel:      I call the defendant, Joe Sweet.
}
} (Joe takes the witness stand.  Counsel stands up.)
}
} Counsel:      What were you doing the night of May 12?
}
} Joe:          (Dreamy, innocent look on his bright happy face)
}               I was home alone with my cats for some quality time.
}
} Counsel:      Is this your normal nightly routine?
}
} Joe:          (Dreamy look) Oh, yes...
}
} Counsel:      No further questions. (Sits down)
}
} Judge:        Cross examination.
}
} Prosecutor:   (Standing up) You've told us what you were doing
}               the night of May 12.
}
} Joe:          (Smiling) That's right, yes.
}
} Prosecutor:   But the court records indicate the robbery occured
}               on May 15!
}
} Joe:          (Gleaming eyes) Yes, they do say that.
}
} Prosecutor:   THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF TELLING US ABOUT MAY 12?!
}
} Joe:          (Shifting uncomfortably) Well, no point at all,
}               really.
}
} Prosecutor:   I put it to you that you robbed the department store
}               that night!
}
} Joe:          (Defiantly) Oh yeah?  Have any witnesses?
}
} Prosecutor:   Yes, I do!  (To Judge) No further questions... I'd
}               like to bring out my witness!
}
} (Joe leaves the stand and sits down.  Bailiff carries in a mannequin
} and sits it in the witness stand.)
}
} Judge:        What, the mannequin is your witness?
}
} Prosecutor:   That's correct.  Now, if I may proceed...
}
} Counsel:      Objection!  This is completely silly!
}
} Prosecutor:   All will be revealed soon, your Honor.  May I proceed?
}
} Judge:        Go ahead, prosecutor, but you're treading on thin ice
}               with this one.
}
} Prosecutor:   Thank you.  (Clears throat, addresses the witness) Mr.
}               Mannequin, did you observe the defendant breaking
}               into the department store where you are employed on
}               the night of May 15?
}
} (Mannequin is completely silent and motionless.)
}
} Counsel:      Your Honor, this is ridiculous!  I move for a mistrial!
}
} Judge:        What do you have to say for yourself, prosecutor?
}
} Prosecutor:   My witness is nervous!  Having to see the defendant
}               in court has emotionally distressed Mr. Mannequin!
}               I move for a two week recess for his recuperation.
}
} Judge:        Granted.  We continue this case in two weeks.  (Bangs
}               gavel)
}
} Joe:          (Standing up)  Wait a minute!  All this inquiry and
}               probing has undermined my emotional stability too!
}               What about me?
}
} Judge:        Well, what do you want?
}
} Joe:          (Dreamy look in his eye) I could sure use a good
}               woman...
}
} Judge:        Right.  See the clerk for your court-appointed
}               girlfriend.  (Bangs gavel)  Next case.
}
} (The prosecutor picks up the mannequin, and then he, the counsel,
} the judge, and Joe leave the courtroom.  The Usenet Oracle stand
} up and walks slowly to the defendant's table, accompanied by his
} lawyer.  The Internet Attorney, who is prosecuting the case, takes
} his table.  The jury slowly files in.)
}
} Oracle:       (Looking at the jury) Oh no!  Not them!
}
} (He gapes at the jury, recognizing them as the ones who select
} the answers to be posted: oz, jhm, elr, jim, squid, jonmon,
} joshua, felton, rhalonen, mzintl, kinzler, and porter.  Shivers
} run up and down his spine.)
}
} Clerk:        Mr. Oracle, you stand accused of not fulfilling your
}               Oracular duties, under section 1 of your job contract.
}               How do you plead?
}
} Oracle:       Not guilty!
}
} (The courtroom breaks out in an uproar.  Finally, the judge brings
} order.)
}
} Judge:        Order in the court!  Order in the court!  There'll
}               be plenty of time for all that later, so just sit
}               tight!  (Turns to prosecutor)  Call your first
}               witness.
}
} Prosecutor:   Thank you.  I call the Supreme Being to the stand.
}
} (God, in the form of an old man wearing a flowing white robe,
} takes the witness stand.)
}
} Prosecutor:   Do you know the defendant, your Beingness?
}
} God:          Yes, I do.  He's a constant source of annoyance to me.
}
} Prosecutor:   How so?
}
} God:          Every time I turn around, my e-mail box is filled
}               with his stupid questions!  I don't even have time
}               to keep stars from colliding with each other!
}
} Prosecutor:   Didn't you give Mr. Oracle his own omniscience?
}
} God:          Yes, I did, but the coward doesn't even trust his
}               own opinion!
}
} Prosecutor:   Since you provide some of his answers, doesn't that
}               make you partially responsible for their humor?
}
} God:          I should say not!  It's not my job to be funny!
}               It's the Oracle's job!  I give him the correct
}               answers, I don't have to make them funny!
}
} Prosecutor:   Thank you.  No further questions, your Honor.
}
} Judge:        Cross examination.
}
} (Counsel stands up and walks to the witness stand.)
}
} Counsel:      Your Beingness, when the defendant asked your for
}               answers to his questions, did you answer all of them?
}
} God:          Well, yes.
}
} Counsel:      And did you ever refuse to answer one because you
}               didn't want to?
}
} God:          Well, no, but...
}
} Counsel:      Isn't it also true that you aren't truly omnipotent?
}
} God:          Now wait a minute here...
}
} Counsel:      In fact, your Beingness, isn't it true that because
}               of your own incompetence, nothing can go faster than
}               the speed of light?
}
} God:          Now look here, you bastard...
}
} Counsel:      In fact, isn't it true that because of your own
}               incompetence in communicating, you allowed scum
}               like Charlie Manson and Jim Jones to trick people
}               into believing they were Jesus Christ?
}
} God:          Hey, I'm not the one on trial here!
}
} Counsel:      Isn't it true, your Beingness, that you are little
}               more than a slightly superior version of a common
}               human's immortal soul?!
}
} Prosecutor:   Objection!  The witness is not on trial!
}
} Judge:        Sustained.
}
} Counsel:      No further questions.
}
} (God leaves the witness stand, rather peeved.)
}
} Judge:        Call your next witness, prosecutor.
}
} Prosecutor:   I'd like to call the Oracle to the stand.
}
} (Oracle stands up and takes the witness stand.)
}
} Prosecutor:   (Putting a chart in front of the witness) Mr. Oracle,
}               I have here a statistical breakdown of the voting
}               results for your musings in the Oracularities.
}
} Rating        # Occurences                    Compiled Nov 30 12:18pm
} ------        ------------
} 1.4   X 2
} 1.5   X 2
} 1.6   X 2
} 1.7   XX 4
} 1.8   XXX 5
} 1.9   XXXXXX 11
} 2.0   XXXXXX 11
} 2.1   XXXXXXXXXXXX 24
} 2.2   XXXXXXXXX 18
} 2.3   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 34
} 2.4   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 65
} 2.5   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 54
} 2.6   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 82
} 2.7   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 88
} 2.8   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 93
} 2.9   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 114
} 3.0   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 99
} 3.1   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 96
} 3.2   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 89
} 3.3   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 86
} 3.4   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 92
} 3.5   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 72
} 3.6   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 53
} 3.7   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 43
} 3.8   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 39
} 3.9   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 32
} 4.0   XXXXXXXXX 18
} 4.1   XXXXXX 11
} 4.2   XXX 5
} 4.3   XXXX 8
} 4.4   XX 3
} 4.5   X 2
} 4.6   X 1
} 4.7   X 1
} 4.9   X 1
}
} Prosecutor:   Your average is around 2.9!  Not only are these
}               the best of all your musings, but your average is
}               below 3.0, which is DESIGNATED as average!
}               What do you have to say for yourself?
}
} Oracle:       Hey, look, I did get a 4.9 rating once!
}
} Prosecutor:   Yeah, I looked into that.  Turns out that was an
}               answer from your janitor.
}
} Oracle:       Well, then these ratings are all my janitor's fault!
}               If it wasn't for his answers in there, I would be
}               doing much better!  Anyways, right after I found
}               that, I fixed the problem!
}
} Prosecutor:   That response from your janitor was in Oracularities
}               #102, and the voting started on issue #100.  Your
}               janitor could not have messed up the results from
}               #103 onward.
}
} Oracle:       Oh.
}
} Prosecutor:   In light of that, what do you have to say for
}               yourself?
}
} Oracle:       (Standing up, dazed)  I don't get it.  I just don't
}               get it.  (Begins walking around.)  I spend all my
}               time working.  I pour my heart out to create the
}               funniest responses for my readers.  (Prosecutor
}               and Judge watch Oracle walk around.)  I know I've
}               written funnier responses than what that graph
}               shows... what could be the problem?  I mean, my
}               overseers pick my best and post them in...
}
} (Oracle looks up, gasps, and runs to the jury box.)
}
} Oracle:       It's them!  It's their fault!  These are the guys
}               that make the Oracularities postings!  They're the
}               ones that pick the responses!  It's not my fault!
}               It's their fault!
}
} Prosecutor:   Objection!  The jury is not on trial here!
}
} Judge:        Sustained.
}
} Counsel:      Objection!  My client has a very valid point!
}
} Judge:        Sustained.
}
} Prosecutor:   No further questions.  (Sits down.)
}
} (The Oracle returns to his table, smiling.  The jury looks nervous.)
}
} Judge:        Call your next witness, prosecutor.
}
} Prosecutor:   The prosecution rests.
}
} Judge:        Call your first witness, counsel.
}
} Counsel:      I call the jury.
}
} (The jury looks confused for a moment, then slowly stand up and
} cram themselves in the witness box, Kinzler at the front.  Counsel
} walks to the witness box.)
}
} Counsel:      Mr. Kinzler, do you know the defendent?
}
} Kinzler:      Yes, I do.  He's an executable file in my
}               home directory.
}
} Counsel:      What are you saying?
}
} Kinzler:      The Oracle is not an omniscient being!  He's just
}               a server program on a mainframe!  The questions
}               are answered by people on the Internet!
}
} Counsel:      (To Judge)  Objection!  Hearsay!
}
} Judge:        Sustained.
}
} Kinzler:      Of course it's hearsay!  I'm here saying it!
}               What do you expect me to do?
}
} Counsel:      (Ignoring him) Aren't you the ones that choose
}               the responses for posting?
}
} Kinzler:      Well, yes.
}
} Counsel:      Then aren't you responsible for their humor content?
}
} Kinzler:      I guess so.
}
} Counsel:      Then why are the voting results so meager?
}
} Kinzler:      How are we supposed to get a new Oracularities out
}               every day without throwing in some stinkers?
}
} Counsel:      Why every day?
}
} (Kinzler thinks for a minute, gapes at the rest of the jury, and
} looks back at Counsel)
}
} Kinzler:      Good point!  I won't be so quick to post Oracularities!
}               Sheesh, why didn't I think of that before?  (To Oracle)
}               Sorry, old buddy.  We've been making it look bad so
}               we could meet a deadline, and we didn't even have a
}               deadline!
}
} Oracle:       I'll forgive you if you take back that crack about
}               me just being a server program.
}
} Kinzler:      Of course I take that back.  I'm sorry.
}
} Judge:        Do you wish to drop the charges, prosecutor?
}
} Prosecutor:   Yes, we do.
}
} Judge:        Good.  This court finds the defendant not guilty.
}               This court is adjourned.  (Bangs gavel)
}
} - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
}
} All right!  The truth finally came out.  Now I can sleep easier at
} nights.
}
} Oh, don't be worried about that crack about being a server program.
} That's just an apparency.  I possess the minds of many a hacker
} over the Internet and write the responses through them.  Of course
} they think THEY'RE writing them.  I was going to have an account
} on iuvax.cs but I couldn't possess a computer, so we did it this
} way.  No harm done, right?
}
} You owe the Oracle lawyer's fees for getting me into this mess.
} You also owe sboswell@ucsd.edu some aspirin for his headache.  Being
} possessed is not pleasant.


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