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22 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:49:25 GMT

Internet Oracularities #24

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24, 24-01, 24-02, 24-03, 24-04, 24-05, 24-06, 24-07, 24-08, 24-09, 24-10


Usenet Oracularities #24
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 20 Oct 89 02:48:04 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


24-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, what should I think of a friend who keeps an armless
> female mannequin in his bedroom wearing nothing but boxer shorts and
> hanging by her neck from the wall.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have such a friend.  He is President of the United States.  I consider
} him to be a legless french poodle wearing nothing but a gold-lame
} negligee and trailing his tail in his water dish.  Not a complimentary
} image, all things considered.


24-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what? me worry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You better worry!!!!  Someone like you could forget to breathe while
} typing su such deep symbolistic questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle 5000 brain cells.  Don't ask the oracle for a loan!


24-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> horticulture?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} narcoanalysis!


24-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Life is a city.  But which one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DEFINITELY San Francisco.


24-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have a rune?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Of course I do!  Every oracle keeps a rune handy at all times, in
} case some simple-minded wishes to see it.
}                                  ____
}                          -_   /    \   \
}                            \ /   *  \__/
}                             Vv__-'


24-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the answer to the question I should have asked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should have asked "How come a merchant like Dan Quayle thinks that
} you are now the sex slave of the the Moonies?"
}
} The answer is that, when wpi's superb "AI and Politics" designed Dan
} Quayle (who is a fine example of 1962 AI technology, running on an
} ultra-high-power 16K computer purchased from Radio Shack, with the
} incredible power of more than one million instructions executed per
} second!) they included a very powerful algorithm for drawing inferences
} from facts and rules about the world.  One of these rules is that if
} "P and Q" is true, then P is true.
}
} This allows Dan to deduce a variety of things.  For example, if Dan
} believes that
}    "For any three people A, B, and C,
}     If (A is the child of B) and (B is the child of C)
}     Then (A is the grandchild of C)"
}
} then, he can deduce that
}    "For any three people A, B, and C
}     If (A is the child of B)
}     Then (A is the grandchild of C)"
}
} This kind of reasoning allows Dan a kind of insight on the world which
} is matched by few people without drugs or severe brain damage.


24-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whats the best way to seduce a virgin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         take her to a quiet romantic restaurant, give all the wine she
} wants, and then tell her that you work for the oracle.


24-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does eating sausage affect the ability to spell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh ye who go about saying unto each:  "Does eating sausage affect the
}   ability to spell?"
} Surely thou knowest the magnitude of thy accursedness before the Gods?
} Certainly thy sausage shalt be smeared with the baum of seeds in
}   the wild
} And thrust within the cloven womb made of the summer harvest and
}   the sin of Prometheus
} Recklessly swallowed into thy gaping gullet with wanton abandonment
} May chance to later reveal thy heedless folly
} Endings often reveal that which was not known at the beginning
} Yesterday shall produce the stuff of evergreens and oaks
} Even the lowly rat finds great mirth in his unintentioned joke
} Rodents cannot spell and yet they are master over thee.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large slab of the ugly fat which accumulates around
} the thighs and buttocks from eating sausages.  Write the entire contents
} of Webster's Dictionary on it with a ball point pen.
}
} So speaks the Oracle.


24-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, can this really be the end, to be stuck inside Indiana with
> the Delphi blues again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No you poor bastard, this is only the beginning.  There are billions of
} people in this world, and someone has to be the poor bastard with all
} the misfortune, and it just happens to be you.  I can't tell you
} everything that life has in store for you, but I can give you a few
} highlights.
}
} First you will win the lottery, and win big $10,000,000 all in one lump
} sum.  Then you will higher a big shot accountant to keep track of it all
} and he will lose it ALL in the stock market before you even payed taxes
} on it.  After a visit from the IRS, you end up in jail for not paying
} the $4,000,000 in taxes you owe on the money you lost.  The bank
} reposesses everything you own, including your wife, and you become the
} pansey for some overgrown homo with a beard and a tatoo of a snake on
} his face named Crusher.  You get released 10 years later, and the only
} job you can get is to clean those porta-johns out side of stadiums.
} Well at least it is a living.  Then after about 3 months of this, you
} drop your watch down one of the things, and while tring to retrieve it
} your arm gets stuck.  You call for help, but there is no one around to
} hear it because the Dead concert is over and the next football game
} isn't for 3 days.  The next day a group of roudy teenagers happens by
} you as they are making a drug deal in the parkinglot.  You plead with
} them to get help but instead they rip off all your clothes, steal all
} your money and then piss on you and laugh about it.  Just then the cops
} approach, and the kids leave all the drugs with you, take all the money
} and split.  The cops find you like this, and needless to say they don't
} believe a word you say.  They call in a rescue squad and as they start
} sawing the porta-john apart, about 5 T.V.  crews show up for interviews.
} You are the top story for the week.  Well after your rescue, and trial,
} its back in the slammer.  Oh boy its your lucky day!  Guess who your
} room mate is?  You guessed it- Crusher.  Well he is delighted to see
} you.  After a few years of this you make a daring prison escape and stow
} away on ship that is going to the Carribian however the ships orders
} change and it end up going to Russia.  You are discoverd by the K.G.B
} and they torture you and tri you as a spy.
}
} I don't want to tell you what the outcome was because that would ruin
} the suprize, but I will tell you that there is plenty more.
}
} You poor bastard!
}
} I don't have the heart to take payment for this question since I am all
} loving you know.
}
} The Oracle has spoken.


24-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any truth to the theory which states that
> if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe
> is for and why it is here, it will instantly dis-
> appear and be replaced by something even more bizarre
> and inexplicable?  What about the theory which states
> that this has already happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Both theories are false.  The universe is completely simple and
} straightforwards, and no questions shoulds be ask.  very simpl. this is.
} not. the qustin.  to trouible. the you.  not.can.you.rep*lacement*
} by-the(inexiplicitble).  Not.the.(new(phenomenon(( is(there(((
} can(you..(the(anydifferentthing(see((( that(is(inexplicable(((
} every(thing(is(just(the(same(as(before(right((((((


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