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Internet Oracularities #240

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Usenet Oracularities #240    (17 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 90 10:44:58 EST

!!! The Oracle has been usurped by a communist menace (jonmon@cadence.com)
!!! Steve Kinzler will return after holiday break. Votes won't appear in
!!! the next few postings, but the party wishes all good comrades to
!!! please keep voting and they'll be published later. Various admin-
!!! strative duties (like list maintenance) will also be on hold until
!!! then.

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240   17 votes 34460 15911 15560 42623 35810 14741 63125 14435 63332 25541
240   2.8 mean  2.8   2.8   2.9   2.9   2.4   3.0   2.8   3.4   2.5   2.8


240-01    (34460 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me I need pass a few classes what can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try the Acme Impersonation Service!  These people have a stock of
} talented impersonators who can show up at your final exams in your
} place, looking and behaving enough like you to fool even your friends,
} and will take your exams for you!  They excel at forging handwriting,
} and they are expert scholars who will turn in exemplary exam papers, at
} least sufficient to make up for your horrid performance in class and let
} you pass the courses.
}
} Of course, not all of the impersonators are ethical, and Acme does not
} guarantee their good behavior.  You may find that they write big checks
} on your account, use your credit cards, and steal your girlfriend.  In
} fact, they will probably be able to talk her into going to bed with them
} even when you couldn't -- so watch out!


240-02    (15911 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tellmeohtellmeohtellmeohwhy:  Have you seen the bridge?  I ain't seen
> the bridge?  WHere's that confounded bridge?!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The plight of the eldery in our society is indeed a sad one.  Not
} only are social security benefits failing to meet the rising cost of
} living, not only are they ignored by their relatives as an
} inconvenience, not only are the homes in which they are housed more
} often a step or two down from penitentiary care...Not only all this, but
} dental care for the eldery is sadly underfunded.
}
}       As the Oracle, I am able to grasp the full picture of the problems
} that task humanity.  As such, I am able to impart to you knowledge few
} would possess, and fewer would desire.  Proper dental hygiene is
} essential to the survival of any advanced species.  You think it's just
} a coincidence that only *some* of the apes evolved into humans?  Not a
} bit.  The first gorilla who tied some pig's bristles to a stick took the
} first step on the road towards civilization and plastic dental floss.
}
}       Without a true appreciation of one's teeth, one cannot hope to
} survive more than a couple of hundred years.  So it is with great
} pleasure that I inform you that you left your bridge behind the sofa,
} just where it fell out last night after that fourth margarita.  I'm
} afraid the cat's been at it...
}
}       You owe the Oracle an autographed portrait of George Washington,
} and a pack of Extra(tm).


240-03    (15560 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are a girl's pubes the same colour as her eyebrows?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A fascinating question, and one even the almighty Oracle had not yet
} pondered. Upon receiving your query, I immediately embarked on some
} independant research to settle the question.
}
} Said research took place in several local singles bars. Here are partial
} transcripts:
}
} Me:  "Hello.  I'm doing a scientific study for a devout worshipper.
} Would you come over to my place?"
} Woman: "Buzz off!"
}
} Me: "Hello. Would you please strip to the buff in the name of science?"
} Woman:
} Actually, the responses to this enquiry took several forms, all
} following a single theme.  Most responses were insignificant, and the
} chemical burns from the mace are healing nicely, thank you.
}
} Me:  "Hello, miss.  If you don't mind me saying, you have beautiful
} eyebrows ...  Wait!  Come back!"
}
} Me: "Hello. I'm the Oracle."
} Woman: "Oh, my God! Pant! Pant! Slobber!"
} (Sound of tearing denim and low moans)
}
} It was the last opening line that gave the greatest success.
} Unfortunately, in the course of the research, I completely forgot what I
} was supposed to find out.
}
} You owe the Oracle some good new pick-up lines.


240-04    (42623 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He says he only likes blondes.  So do I get my hair bleached, or do I
> dump him for someone else?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm certainly glad you asked your question just when you did, because
} now I get to answer it.  I think it's very rude of him to tell you
} something like that when the two of you have obviously been seeing each
} other for a while.  I bet you've gone to many movies, and may even be
} *going steady*!
}  [Okra!]
}  <My turn, pudding face!>
}  (No! I'm busy answering an important question.)
} I once wore a wig once. My mother was out of the house and had left her
} bedroom door open so I naturally *had* to go in because if she didn't
} want me in there then why did she leave it open after all? She had a
} blond wig and I tried it on just to see how I would look ..
}  <Yeah, and it got stuck on you, banana ears!>
}  (Go away you child.)
}  <Cummon Okra, it's MY turn!>
} but when it got stuck on I didn't like that at all.  And if you dye your
} hair, then I guess that's even worse than having a wig stuck to your
} head because at least I only had to cut off *some* of my hair to get it
} off but you'd have to cut it ALL off.
}  <Okay bird brain, you asked for it!>
}  (Turd brain!)
}  <Bird turd!>
}  [Stop it the both of you, and please get out of my den.]
}  (I'm BUSY! Do you mind??)
}  <Well I'm getting on and I don't care!>
}  [No Orcy, don't! You'll break it, YOU'LL BREAK IT!]
} lk213tq78gh **
} There!  If MY girlfriend wouldn't die her hair the color I asked her to,
} I'd put a frog on her desk the next day, so you better die your hair!
}  (That's "dye", stupid! Now get off, you're ruining my answer.)
}  <Miss Smarty. If you're so smart how come you've got a bald spot?>
}  (Orcy get OFF!)
} #$%&@&*
} Hello again.  That was my stupid brother.  If your boyfriend wants you
} to change your hair now, what will he ask you to change later?  I bet he
} wants you to wear tight jeans too, which is sometimes fun, but they
} constrict you so that you can't walk around and feel comfortable.  And I
} bet if you ask him not to wear his stupid ragged Def Leppard tee shirt
} when you're out together he won't even listen to you.
}  <Def Leppard's COOL!>
}  (You're the one who's deaf.)
}  <I won't even dignity that with an answer.>
}  ("DIGNIFY!" And where'd you hear that anyway?)
}  <All My Children.>
}  [Okra, Orcy, get out of my den NOW!]
}  (DAAAD! I'm busy practicing to become a journalist.)
}  <I'm not going if SHE gets to stay!>
}  [Oh, for God's sake! Honey! HONEY!]
} So my advice to you is to dump him right away. Who needs him anyway?
}  {Okra. Orca. Get out of your Father's den NOW. Dinner is getting cold.}
}  (Yes, ma'am.)
}  <'Kay mom.>
}  [Thank you, dear.]
} Omnipotent, omniscient Oracle here.  Would you mind repeating your
} question?


240-05    (35810 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me why Canadian telephone companies operate such
> awkward rules regarding international calls.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not the fault of the companies; it's the fault of the national and
} provincial governments and their regulations.  The rules are imposed
} from on high (well, from a secret alien mind-control device concealed in
} the head of the statue of Sir Oliver Mowat in Ottawa) and the companies
} just follow them, at great expense (which despite extreme regulation of
} rates they manage to pass on to their customers).
}
} Canadians, particularly those in government, have a fear of losing their
} uniquely Canadian identity.  A lot of that fear (enhanced further by
} alien mind-control devices) is channeled into making stupid government
} regulations that cripple the Canadian economy but ensure that nobody
} could ever mistake Canada for the U. S.  If Canada had adopted a
} European TV standard so that Canadians could not watch U. S. programs
} (with a high tax on any receiver conforming to U. S. NTSC standards),
} Canadian culture and identity would have more of a chance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a life-sized bronze statue of Laurier, a case of
} Labatt's Blue, the severed genitals of the head of the L. C. B. O., a
} first edition of Leacock's _Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town_, the
} services of Robertson Davies to play Santa Claus at the Oracle's
} Christmas party, videotapes of all the episodes of "Seeing Things," and
} a beavertail fresh from Ottawa.  That should about cover things.


240-06    (14741 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I made entirely of rubber?  I pulled one of my toes off in a fit of
> rage and it was made of rubber, and I cut one of my fingers off in a
> reaper accident while working on my granddaughter's farm and it was
> apparently made of rubber as well, and the gummi bears keep hopping out
> of my nostrils and they are all green, and my great-grandfather appears
> to me in visions and tells me to beware the wombat.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry for the delay.  The Oracle just had His systems cleaned of junk in
} I don't know *how* long, and it felt sooooo good, I lost track of time.
}
} Let's see, you're question number 27271.....
}
} Ah.  Yes, Rubber Man, you have discovered the true nature of your
} existence.  (And didn't you ever wonder about your name?  A lot of Us
} thought you might never figure this out, but bravo!) You are, in fact,
} made of rubber, a very flexible, heat-resistant, vulcanized rubber.  You
} aren't steel-belted, however, and so it is possible for you to have
} these little "accidents" (i.e., lose a finger, rip off an arm, etc.), so
} be careful!  If you fall over and start bouncing uncontrolably, it would
} take three people to stop you, although this might be fun with the right
} three people.
}
} Now, it follows logically that if your flesh is made of rubber, then so
} are your organs.  And your blood is the candy-type material of green
} Gummi Bears (TM).  When clotting occurs (as it does; otherwise you'd
} bleed to death), it can actually resemble the little critters, who
} occupy a sub-leased plot of land inside Disney World (TM) in Florida.
} Not many mortals know that.  Thus, what is happening to you is just a
} nosebleed.  Pinch your nose when this happens, and tilt your head back.
} You'll be fine.
}
} With regard to the wombat, here you have a serious problem.  Your great-
} grandfather was a very intelligent man; he knew what your condition
} would be, as well of Willy the Wombat, which is why he comes to you in
} visions to warn you.  Don't be fooled by Willy's name; this is the most
} foul-tempered creature you'll ever come across in your lifetime.  You
} see, the smell of green Gummi Bears (TM again) sets Willy off, makes him
} crazy.  He's been cutting a wide swath of destruction, laying waste to
} convenience stores and candy markets, and he's coming right for you.
} Keep your eyes peeled.  He'll rip through your rubber-skin to gobble up
} your blood, and this will, unfortunately, kill you.
}
} But being made of rubber is not the end of the world.  There are a lot
} of positive qualities to your lifestyle.  For instance, the fingers
} you've lost can be glued back on.  And,being rubber, you can do amazing
} things with your tongue, and condoms will feel natural to you.  So
} enjoy!  And watch out for Willy, the wily and wicked wombat.
}
} You owe the Oracle three Gummi Bears (TM for the last time), and some of
} your skin to throw against the wall when I'm bored.


240-07    (63125 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: apple!well!ewhac@well (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle!  Rumor around the office here says that you're playing the
> super-villian in the upcoming Batman sequel!  Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They had asked me to play the Riddler, but the thought of making my
} movie debut dressed in a green leotard and tights, covered with question
} marks, didn't appeal to me too much.  They got Kinzler to do it instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better movie offer.


240-08    (14435 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle,
>
>       I have a question that I think may be worthy enough for your to
> consider answering.  How does mother nature fit those big puffs of pop
> corn into that little kernel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually it's not Mother Nature's doing at all, but the facist
} Reddenbacher Society who's responsible.  The world at large doesn't know
} it, but we made contact with our first little friends from outer space
} many years ago.  They were cute but jumpy little guys about 2
} millimeters tall, and would have advanced our knowledge several
} millenia, if the unscrupulous Reddenbachers hadn't gotten to them first.
} Ever since their touchdown, they've been kept in captivity and bred like
} farm animals in a ranch in Ohio.  One little Popper is imprisoned in
} each kernel of popcorn in a sedated state.  When you turn up the heat,
} they wake up and blast their way out of the corn.  The first one usually
} yells, "Set my people free!" which you hear as "pop." Pretty soon they
} all wake up, what with all the clamour, yelling defiance at the
} Earthlings who think their shouts are pleasantly reminiscent of Rice
} Crispies, the Poppers' sworn enemies from the Horsehead Nebula.  But
} soon the heat overcomes them, and they stop yelling, at which point the
} Earthlings open up the pot and munch them mercilessly.
}
} Gruesome, isn't it?  You owe the Oracle some potato chips -- "The Terror
} of Mecha-Godzilla" is on any minute now.


240-09    (63332 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> _What_ could I have been thinking of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have just found a wonderful proof that there are no 4 positive
} integers a,b,c,n with n > 2 such that
}
}         n    n    n
}        a  + b  = c
}
} unfortunately it does not fit in your brain.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proof of Fermat's last theorem.


240-10    (25541 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>       I have bought a large, sturdy Christmas stocking capable of
> holding a smallish human being comfortably.  I want Santa Claus to bring
> me a real live woman for Christmas, someone small and dark-haired and
> cute and sweet-voiced.  How do I get him to deliver such a wonderful
> present to me?  I'd even settle for being delivered as a Christmas
> present to such a woman -- I'm not sexist, I don't mean to consider
> women as objects, I'm just lonely and I want someone to love, that's
> all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not sure your wife would approve of your receiving such
} a present.
}
} But all seriousness aside, what makes you so sure Santa wouldn't
} just keep such a treat for himself? I mean, sure, he distributes
} all kinds of knickknacks to kids, and passes out candy like it
} was, well, candy. Occasionally he even gives something moderately
} nice, like a new car for dad or a vacuum cleaner for mom. But,
} a real woman with all the traits you describe, good golly. The
} jolly old elf could find a use or two for such a creature himself
} up at the North Pole, where the nights are six months long, don't
} you know.
}
} Now, if you wanted to relax your requirements a little... He's running
} a special on Roseanne Barr this year, having failed to find a real
} home for her the last couple of times. She's dark-haired, at least.
} Probably kind of rip your stocking all to hell, but if you're that
} lonely you might not mind. OK, she's not all that sweet-voiced either,
} and maybe is starting to get a little plump. But she's kind of cute,
} don't you think?  Sort of?  A little?  Well, like I said, she's
} dark-haired.  That counts for a lot.
}
} Or how about Nancy Reagan?  We could dye her hair darker, and ...  no
} wait, Ronnie doesn't croak until '93.  Sorry to get your hopes up.
} 'Fraid that's all I can suggest.
}
} You owe the Oracle a visit to a shrink, pronto.


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