} Well, judging from the sudden onslaught of such a "possession," The
} Oracle thinks that you may be experiencing a "bleed through" of a past
} life. Yes! In fact, The Oracle will even TELL you what you were in ALL
} of your past lives, so you can see that this is a pefectly natural
} feeling, considering how much your soul has been through. So just let
} the Oracle open the proper channels, and all will out.
} Your FIRST LIFE: You were a single cell organism, floating in the
} primordial soup. You were so bad at this that you had to try two
} million times to improve your lot. Don't feel bad though. There are
} people who are STILL one cell lifeforms, and yet others are waiting to
} be demoted. (Take those lip-synchers, for example, or Jim J.
} Bullock...) Anyway, from here you progressed to...
} Your FIRST LIFE AFTER THE BIG TWO MILLION!: You were a cucumber. Not
} even the burpless kind. However, you gave one woman a lot of pleasure,
} and her husband a lot of gas. >brp<. After several thousand
} incarnations as various vegetables (including one pumpkin squash, two
} stalks of broccoli, and five carrots) you proceeded to the insect
} kingdom. (By the way, your time spent as a vegetable explains why you
} spend so much time in front of the terminal, the television, the ...
} never mind.)
} Your FIRST LIFE AS AN INSECT: This was a dreadfully important life for
} you. You were a cockroach in early North America. An early primate
} squished you, thus establishing the war between Man and Cockroach for
} all time. However, not all lives were bad for you as an insect. You
} did get to become various flying creatures from time to time, and in
} general, you did a good job. This set up a promotion, allowing you to
} skip arachnids and mollusks, and go directly to crustaceans.
} Your FIRST LIFE AS A CRUSTACEAN: You became a red, hard shell, ocean
} crab. You composed many an under sea tune, and tried to help a certain
} female mermaid friend catch a young prince's eye. This good deed gave
} you another jump, and sent you directly to mammal.
} You were a cow. For kicking a farmer, you were temporarily demoted to
} duck, but you fought back, and became a basset hound. Your soul floated
} in limbo for many years, and eventually you made it to human. You died
} of the Black Plague once.
} Your FIRST LIFE AS A RENAISSANCE MAN: You were an artist. Not a great
} one; although you knew Michaelangelo, he spit on you a lot for your
} practiced vulgarity in sculpture. Your last work was an unfinished
} fresco entitled, "Man Lusting After Horsechestnuts." During this work
} you fell into your vat of unprepared plaster, thus permanently marking
} your soul.
} You wandered through many an unappealing life, none very interesting or
} pleasurable. In the 1950's, your entered college, and almost
} immediately, some upperclassmen taped you to the back of the largest
} female on campus. In her shock, she rolled on top of you, and you died
} a horrible death. The people who did this to you received a stern
} warning not to do such a thing again. You received another tell-tale
} mark on your soul. During the 1960's, you took a lot of drugs.
} Eventually, you tried to smoke some alka-seltzer through a latex glove.
} This caused wild hallucinations of clinging, tight, rubbery clothing,
} and the last mark was made. You were then born into your present life,
} not considered much of an improvement over your others. The painful
} moments in your past lives have etched remembrances on your soul. In
} order to deal with them, however, your brain has perverted such markings
} into desire. You must resist any temptation.
} You owe the Oracle a spandex body suit, five rolls of duct tape, and
} some plaster of paris.