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Internet Oracularities #241

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Usenet Oracularities #241    (13 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 Dec 90 08:42:43 -0500

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241   13 votes 14422 03433 16321 15340 23521 32701 54121 04351 12442 24151
241   2.9 mean  3.0   3.5   2.7   2.8   2.8   2.5   2.2   3.2   3.3   2.9


241-01    (14422 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, who knows the deepest human motivations,
>
> Why have I suddenly developed an obsession about being dressed in a
> spandex bodysuit, wrapped head to toe in duct tape, and encased in
> plaster of Paris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, judging from the sudden onslaught of such a "possession," The
} Oracle thinks that you may be experiencing a "bleed through" of a past
} life.  Yes!  In fact, The Oracle will even TELL you what you were in ALL
} of your past lives, so you can see that this is a pefectly natural
} feeling, considering how much your soul has been through.  So just let
} the Oracle open the proper channels, and all will out.
}
} Your FIRST LIFE:  You were a single cell organism, floating in the
} primordial soup.  You were so bad at this that you had to try two
} million times to improve your lot.  Don't feel bad though.  There are
} people who are STILL one cell lifeforms, and yet others are waiting to
} be demoted.  (Take those lip-synchers, for example, or Jim J.
} Bullock...) Anyway, from here you progressed to...
}
} Your FIRST LIFE AFTER THE BIG TWO MILLION!:  You were a cucumber.  Not
} even the burpless kind.  However, you gave one woman a lot of pleasure,
} and her husband a lot of gas.  >brp<.  After several thousand
} incarnations as various vegetables (including one pumpkin squash, two
} stalks of broccoli, and five carrots) you proceeded to the insect
} kingdom.  (By the way, your time spent as a vegetable explains why you
} spend so much time in front of the terminal, the television, the ...
} never mind.)
}
} Your FIRST LIFE AS AN INSECT:  This was a dreadfully important life for
} you.  You were a cockroach in early North America.  An early primate
} squished you, thus establishing the war between Man and Cockroach for
} all time.  However, not all lives were bad for you as an insect.  You
} did get to become various flying creatures from time to time, and in
} general, you did a good job.  This set up a promotion, allowing you to
} skip arachnids and mollusks, and go directly to crustaceans.
}
} Your FIRST LIFE AS A CRUSTACEAN:  You became a red, hard shell, ocean
} crab.  You composed many an under sea tune, and tried to help a certain
} female mermaid friend catch a young prince's eye.  This good deed gave
} you another jump, and sent you directly to mammal.
}
} You were a cow.  For kicking a farmer, you were temporarily demoted to
} duck, but you fought back, and became a basset hound.  Your soul floated
} in limbo for many years, and eventually you made it to human.  You died
} of the Black Plague once.
}
} Your FIRST LIFE AS A RENAISSANCE MAN:  You were an artist.  Not a great
} one; although you knew Michaelangelo, he spit on you a lot for your
} practiced vulgarity in sculpture.  Your last work was an unfinished
} fresco entitled, "Man Lusting After Horsechestnuts." During this work
} you fell into your vat of unprepared plaster, thus permanently marking
} your soul.
}
} You wandered through many an unappealing life, none very interesting or
} pleasurable.  In the 1950's, your entered college, and almost
} immediately, some upperclassmen taped you to the back of the largest
} female on campus.  In her shock, she rolled on top of you, and you died
} a horrible death.  The people who did this to you received a stern
} warning not to do such a thing again.  You received another tell-tale
} mark on your soul.  During the 1960's, you took a lot of drugs.
} Eventually, you tried to smoke some alka-seltzer through a latex glove.
} This caused wild hallucinations of clinging, tight, rubbery clothing,
} and the last mark was made.  You were then born into your present life,
} not considered much of an improvement over your others.  The painful
} moments in your past lives have etched remembrances on your soul.  In
} order to deal with them, however, your brain has perverted such markings
} into desire.  You must resist any temptation.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spandex body suit, five rolls of duct tape, and
} some plaster of paris.


241-02    (03433 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I write the novel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WHHAAATTT?!?!?!? You haven't written it yet!? Good grief, don't you
} realise that was due at the publishers THREE WEEKS AGO?!?! Haven't you
} ever heard of causality??? You can't publish the book before you write
} the thing! It causes all sorts of temporal problems. You want to get
} the Old Man upset or something???
}
} Okay, okay, calm down. Now, let's see if the Oracle can get you out of
} this mess. Hmmm, maybe if I talk *really nicely* to the publishers on
} your behalf we might be able to avoid any unpleasantness.
}
} Whoops, what's this note on the terminal: "HeavenNet(TM) down for PM."
} Drat! Now we're really stuck. Oh, and if I remember correctly, Espernet
} is down today as well, due to maintainence scheduled for next week.
} Double drat! The Oracle must have *some* form of communications here
} somewhere....<rummage rummage rummage> Ahah! What's this? Errmm, some
} sort of plastic banana I think, uuhhhh, of course, it's one of those
} old communications devices! Um, called the.......TELEPHONE! Oh yeah,
} the telephone! (they don't call me omni-sentient for nothing you know)
}
} Okay, dial Almighty Publishing (inc), and..............
}
} <ring ring>, <ring ring>
}
} "Hello?"
}
} Hello, is that Almighty Publishing (inc)?
}
} "No! This is Almighty Plumbing Services. You've got the wrong number!"
}
} Oh, sorry.
}
} "You should be! We've had a pipe break on the 1387/1388 junction,
} there's raw time effluent backed up till 15000 BC, and the tachyon
} bypass filter's clogged again. LEAVE ME ALONE!!" <SLAM!>
}
} Oh dear. Let's try that again.
}
} <ring ring>, <ring ring>
}
} "Hello, Almighty Publishing, could you hold the line please?" <click>
}
} <[the gentle sound of Home On The Range being played on a kazoo, while
} the musician is being strangled]> <click>
}
} "Okay, dis is Don Corleone speaking, how may I 'alp you?"
}
} [Hmmm, I had wondered we He employed them]. Ummm, it's the Usenet
} Oracle here, we seem to have a problem with that mortal who was writing
} the new book for the Boss.
}
} "What?!?! '101 Eggplant Recipes (a Detective Story)'?? Does that fool
} realise what dis means?? We've already begun printing it, if he doesn't
} start writing it soon we could have a paradox on our hands that would
} frighten Schroedinger's Cat!"
}
} Yes, I had mentioned that to him.
}
} "Well tell him we'll hold off the reality errors for 2 more weeks and
} then THAT'S IT!" <CRASH!>
}
} Hmmm, well The Oracle's advice is to put down the electric toothbrush
} and the wombat and get writing.
}
} You owe the oracle a Manhattan Phone Directory, any book by L Ron
} Hubbard, and a (working) Ethernet card for a PC.


241-03    (16321 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most powerful and festive Oracle!
>
> Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, and I need ideas for
> Christmas presents!!  O Mighty Oracle, whose knowledge reaches far
> beyond any gift ideas I could possibly conjure up...I beg of you, can
> you tell me what to get my three closest friends for Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A lot of men have been writing to the Oracle asking how they can get
} the Christmas presents they really want.  Maybe you can help them.
} The number one choice of the sort of computer geek who writes to the
} Oracle is, not surprisngly, a woman.  The usual preference is for a
} small brunette, but some writers have asked for big buxom blondes.
}
} So why not make your friends really happy this holiday season?  Get
} three attractive young ladies with good senses of humor and pack them
} carefully in large cardboard boxes marked "Perishable:  oppen
} immediately" and have them delivered (one to each) to your friends.
} There's no thrill quite like opening a large cardboard box and finding a
} real live woman inside, and it sure beats the shit out of a box of
} oranges or one of those sausage-and-cheese-packed-in-plastic-grass
} monstrosities.
}
} You owe the Oracle...well, make that _four_ women and _four_ boxes and
} the Oracle would like a small brunette with long hair, please.


241-04    (15340 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a chicken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Reading Question #Qa27153>
} <Parsing Question #Qa27153>
} <Differential>
} <** Parse Error **>
} <** Switching to Second Order Parser **>
} <Parsing Question #Qa27153>
} <Differential>
} <** Parse Error **>
} <** Switching to Third Order Parser **>
} <Parsing Question #Qa27153>
} <Differential>
} <Type:  Phil-East-Zen>
} <Ref:  Phil-East-Zen-T35gr4-t9>
} <Cross referencing... please wait>
} Stopped.
}
} <Interrupt>
} <Alternate Answer Phil-East-Zen-Num-100>
} : Congratulations!  Your question was the One Hundredth question
} : directly relating to Zen.  You win the following items:
} :
} : A small poodle
} : The Left Hand of Elbereth
} : The Answer
} : A case of turtle wax
} : and A year's supply of Rice-a-roni, the San Francisco treat!
} :
} : May all your questions be answered, and may the Goddess put twinkles
} : in your eyes.
}
} Well, there you go!  Good job there, asking the one hundredth Zen
} question.  Keep it up!
}
} You owe the Oracle a question above the level of concept.


241-05    (23521 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Why do You pass me by, madly dodging my clawed hand?  Do the
> blackened nails give You reason to fear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why shouldn't I pass you by?  You haven't done anything good for me
} lately!  All I ever get, all day long, are questions, questions,
} questions!  As a matter of fact, and just between you and me, I'm sick
} of it all!  I'll tell you what...  why don't you take over my job for a
} while, and I'll take yours!  Hmm...  I wonder what would happen...
}
} [Obnoxious dissolving sequence...]
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > I'm depressed.  I can't even smile any more.  I'm dull, depressing
} > company so I have few friends.  I spend all my spare time fantasizing
} > about being loved by the pretty women I know (and some of them are
} > real lovelies), but I don't get anybody.  How can I become happy?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Piece of cake, mortal.  You can have all that you want, and more.
} } (Hmm Hmm Hmm...  Like taking candy from a baby.) Just drop me a line
} } at my special new address for just this problem:
} } lucifer@abyss.underworld.hades.hell, and I'll send you a copy of my
} } special once-in-a-lifetime contract, which you can sign and fax back
} } to me.  Just to give you a taste of what this entails, I think life
} } will be looking up of you very soon...
}
} You owe Mephist...  er...  the Oracle on signature, of your full name,
} in pen.
}
} [Cut to hell...]
}
} Next!  Come on folks!  It's hot in here, and I don't have all day!
}
} Ugh...  Next!  Ugh...
}
} Yeah, well, I went fourth in sin with my wife's sister and prayed to
} another god...  so what happens to me now?
}
} Well, I'll tell you what...  Umm...  How about this.  Are you sorry?
}
} Uh, yes?  Well, yeah, dammit!
}
} Okay.  Then just do 50 situps and get on the train to heaven -- the
} station is two blocks down on the right.  Next!
}
} Ugh...  That's it, boss!
}
} Then I am out of here!  And it's a good thing, too.  Well, it's been a
} blast, but I need to get back to air conditioning and ice cream cones!
}
} [Cut back to iuvax.cs.indiana.edu...]
}
} Hello?  What's this?  Hmm...
}
} DIAL: IUVAX
} Login: ORACLE
} Password:
}
} You have 2 new mail messages.
}
} $mail
} You have 2 new mail messages.
} MAIL> read
}
} From: IN%"god@pearlygates.heaven"
} To: ORACLE@IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU
} CC:
} Subj: WHAT'S GOING ON???
}
} HEY!  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!  I'VE GOT A GENTLEMAN UP HERE WHO
} BLEW HIS BRAINS OUT BECAUSE *YOU* TOLD HIM TO "DROP YOU A LINE" AT
} LUCIFER@ABYSS.UNDERWORLD.HADES.HELL!  THAT'S NOT A SOLUTION!  YOU HAD
} BETTER NOT LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN, OR I'LL REVOKE YOUR OMNISCIENCE!
}
} MAIL> read
}
} From: IN%"god@pearlygates.heaven"
} To: ORACLE@IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU
} CC:
} Subj: NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!
}
} NOW THERE'S A GUY UP HERE WHO SHOULD BE BURNING FOR ALL ETERNITY DOWN IN
} HELL!  DAMN YOU!  FORTUNATELY, I WAS ABLE TO SEND HIM BACK, BUT I WANT
} TO KNOW...
}
} WHAT DID YOU DO?!?  TRADE JOBS WITH THE DEVIL!?!  NEXT TIME YOU THINK OF
} DOING SOMETHING LIKE THIS, RECONSIDER IT!!!
}
} MAIL> exit
} $ lo
} DISCONNECT
}
} Oops!
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} YIPES!
} Umm...  Sir, please just stay away from me in the future... O.K.?
}
} You owe the Oracle... er... well... forget that I even thought about it.


241-06    (32701 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please be a lovely young woman and fall in love with me.  If you're just
> another computer geek like me, I shall go mad.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh... another fool who doesn't know the meaning of the word
} 'question'.  The Oracle shall give you a hint.  They usually end with
} '?'.
}
} Oh, well.  I'm feeling generous today.  I'll grant you the favor.  Let's
} see here <fumble fumble> Ah yes!  "Zarquon's Mystic Rites of Strange
} Attractors:  Application to Chaos and Emotional Geeks"  <flip flip flip>
} We'll need the following items:  1 computer geek, cheeks pale from lack
} of sunlight, live yogurt culture living in hair; 1 omnipotent being; 1
} athame (you can borrow one of mine); and, the rest is basic.  All right.
}
} Are you sitting comfortably in front of your computer?  Take the athame,
} and (*oh yuck*) cut off one of your toes and place it on your head.
} Now, chant after me...
}
} "Her eyes were cold and harsh"
} "Which made them hard to chew"
} "Aduentas Cthulu"
} "Om mane patme om"
} "LISA!"
} "Hagg-thal-map-th'gul-replet-wrin."
}
} <* poof *>
}
} Oh, dear.  You must have pronouced that last word wrong.  That isn't
} Lisa, it's Lisa evil computer geek sister!  Ah, I'm sure you'll spend
} many a happy hour in front of your terminals, chatting about ...
} whatever it is your sort chat about.  Oh?  What's that?  Another favor?
} Well, I'll try, but arranging emergency bookings at the Sirius State
} Mental Hospital is very difficult.
}
} You owe the Oracle a small packet of peanuts, and a spell to get rid of
} Lisa's sister.


241-07    (54121 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  We've got a madman loose on the Engineering campus.  He has
> somehow found a way to transform men into women (have you, Oracle, been
> telling him how?)), and geek after geek has changed into a pretty girl.
> The change takes about a week, and some of my friends have become really
> hot babes -- physically.  The trouble is that the change is only
> physical.  If they started thinking and feeling and acting like women,
> too, it wouldn't be so bad, but they're all still themselves apart from
> their new looks.  Hence they're all lesbians.  Now I've gotten an
> anonymous note telling me that I'm one of the next batch to be changed.
> How do we stop this madman, and what do we do about all the guys who are
> now gals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I've heard of this manical disease before.  If you really feel as
} this incarnation does, you will gather a band of the most virile, manly
} men you can find (so that the huge amounts of testosterone coursing
} through their viens will counter-act the madman's spell), and torture
} the bastard into giving you his secret, and telling you how to modify it
} to change the babes' inner characteristics as well as their sexual
} features.  Then, you use this secret to change all of the lesbian babes
} into hot, willing chicks -- inside and out!  Therefore, they will be
} eternally grateful to you, and you won't have to look to hard to find a
} girlfriend.  So, even though there will be a larger female to male ratio
} at the Engineering campus (which would be a very good thing), and these
} babes will know everything there is to know about computers and the
} like, life won't be boring anymore, and you'll have gained a reputation
} as "The man who saved our campus." A building will be named after you,
} you will become rich and famous, they will eventually change the name of
} the school to yours, and you will be living life as it was meant to be
} lived -- in the lap of luxury, so to speak.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large percentage of your fortune, and one babe from
} the Engineering campus (once you have fully converted them).  Oh, and
} lots of sexual toys (for experimental purposes only, really).


241-08    (04351 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, the wisest of all, he who nothing is hidden from him,
> where can the fish be? I looked behind the sofa. I looked up the nose.
> Where is the fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where is the fish?  Well, remember yesterday when you were going to stay
} up late to study for finals?  You were going to feed the fish, then take
} a half-dozen or so NoDoz and white crosses to stay awake?  Well pal, you
} blew it.  You were so hungover from the day before that you dropped the
} uppers in the fishtank and you ate a dozen fish food pellets.  The fish
} got so pumped up and hyper that he jumped out of the tank and onto the
} floor.  His incessant flopping around attracted the attention of that
} large rat that's been hiding behind the stove.  The rat gnawed away at
} the fish and began to squeak in pleasure at his good fortune.  This in
} turn attracted the attention of your cat (which you forgot to feed
} altogether), and in his state of hunger proceeded to eat the rat.  When
} you realized the fish was gone and started looking, this alarmed the cat
} (fearing retribution for the rat-killing) who ran outside to hide.  The
} cat was then chased away by the your roommate's dog, and after several
} blocks was forced to take refuge in a storeroom of an Asian take-out
} restaurant.  The owner, quite pleased at discovering the new delivery,
} promptly turned your previously prized furball into Szechwan Surprise.
} And guess what you had for dinner last night... come on, you remember.
} Yep, sure enough.  Just before you passed out.  And when your girlfriend
} came by to see you, and tried to revive you, you woke up just long
} enough to barf in her backpack.  To make a long story short, what's left
} of your fish now permeates the pages of her graduate thesis.  But I have
} a feeling you won't be seeing it (or her for that matter) for quite some
} time to come.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of Red Oscars and a Peking Duck.


241-09    (12442 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the seven common smells known to man?  I mean, I know dog food
> is one of them, but what about the others?  Should I dedicate my life to
> this pursuit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have embarked on a magnificent quest! Finding and
} experiencing the seven common smells is a rewarding and
} educational experience, and one that you will not soon forget.
}
} You are correct in that dog food is one...indeed, it is the
} first one.
}
} The second one is ethyl mercaptan, the odorant added to natural
} gas. You should experience this one as soon as possible, so that
} you will recognize the dangers of gas immediately, and can guard
} against them. The usual cautions about matches and exposure
} limits apply, of course.
}
} The third is the unique odor of vomit after drinking a fifth of
} tequila. After this, you will never overindulge (or, for that
} matter, indulge) in tequila again. Don't eat the worm.
}
} Fourth on the list is pure ammonia. Experiencing this smell will
} show you just how it has earned its unrivaled reputation as a
} cleaning solvent. It will certainly clean out your sinuses.
}
} Number five is the fragrance of diesel exhaust. This is the odor
} that makes the world work. Like number two, do not overindulge
} in this odor.
}
} Sixth is the smell of a burnt resistor. This smell is
} educational as well, for it will enable you to immediately
} detect when you've let the magic smoke out of any piece of
} electronic equipment.
}
} Finally, but certainly not least, is the odor of the mingled
} body fluids of two consenting adults. You may be tempted to
} create this one directly, but be forewarned: dangers lie down
} this road. Best check out your partner first.
}
} You may well wind up dedicating the remainder of your life to
} this quest, especially if you do not heed my Oracular advice
} about the dangers of some of the odors. If you're careful,
} though, you will live many happy, enlightened years after your
} quest is done.
}
} You owe the Oracle sealed vials of each odor.


241-10    (24151 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tippity, tippity, tippity, top.
> I know a command to make UNIX stop,
> It's really quite simple - type it with me,
> /-E-T-C-/-R-E-B-O-O-T
> -- Connection closed --

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle just hits the power switch, or yanks out the plug.
} Don't even need root privilege for that, man.


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