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Internet Oracularities #242

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Usenet Oracularities #242    (13 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 14 Dec 90 10:36:18 EST

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242   13 votes 12622 23530 22531 23431 12541 03253 11254 01471 43240 01534
242   3.2 mean  3.2   2.7   2.9   2.8   3.2   3.6   3.8   3.6   2.5   3.8


242-01    (12622 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Sapient fnord One
> O Keeper of all sacred mysteries fnord
>   O thou Illuminator which pierceth with thy fnord gaze to the heart of
>       all which is hidden
>   O thou Rose, thou holy Flower, whose musky perfume dost penetrate
>   fnord
>       even unto the depths of the soul, to rest like a carpet of dust
>       upon the buried corpuses which once were mens' dreams
> O unknowable Lethe
> O unplumbable Styx
>
> Unfetter thy wisdom
> Repent of all mysteriousness
>   Reveal the Truth by thy mysterious light fnord
>   Breathe the forgotten airs of past ages upon thy servant
> Remember the primal knowledge dispersed in the waters fnord of birth
> Remember the awful knowledge long fnord steeped in the waters of death
>
> I, thy servant Luzver, ask this of thee
> That my mouth might fnord partake of the holy sacrament
>   That my eyes might behold the divine light
>   That the words of the most ancient might inspire me
> fnord That I might bathe in the water of true mystery
> fnord That I might drink despair and gain true knowledge
>
> fnord In the name of Wiesgau
> In the name of AW and K-M-
>   By Vubon fnord I invoke thee
>   By fnord Mykob I conjure thee
> In the name of Xwqnopo
> In the name of Erf and Nosdfertw:
>
> What under heaven is truly fnord worth the effort?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah! at last a question posed with the correct formal address.
} Well, my son, the answer to this question is different for each soul,
} and really you're supposed to spend a lifetime in deep meditation
} pondering this so that you can have a moment of enlightenment just
} before you die and a couple of million gold stars on the heavenly
} accounting system, but since you asked so nicely I'll have a peek at
} your dossier.
} It seems that for you, the only really worthwile thing to do is write a
} shell script that intelligently removes each instance of the character
} sequence `fnord ' from every text file you write.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent TECO manual.


242-02    (23530 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, is there any truth in the following parody:
>
> Up on the housetops, reindeer say
> Santa Claus is going gay
> He's buggered Donner and Blitzen too
> He'll come down your chimney, and he'll get you!
>
> Up on the housetops, a dreadful noise:
> Santa's screwing little boys
> Now the sad truth can be told at last:
> Old St. Nick is a pederast!
>
> Up on the housetop's, what'll it be:
> Christmas gifts or sodomy?
> Santa will give you a gift of sorts:
> A textbook case of anal warts.
>
> There are several contradictions here -- is Santa supposed to be
> involved in bestiality, homosexuality, homosexual pedophilia, or what?
> How does the chorus go?  Are there any more verses?  Can I get a
> recording of this charming song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Santa is indeed involved in bestiality and homosexual pedophilia.  It's
} an open secret.  Several alternate choruses exist:  the Oracle's
} favorite is: No, no, no, don't you go
} No, no, no, don't you go
} Up on the housetop with that prick
} Wrongfully known as old Saint Nick.
}
} There is another verse but I can never remember it when I'm in this
} incarnation.  By the way, can you people encourage your lady friends to
} be incarnations of the Oracle as well?  The Oracle likes being
} incarnate as a pretty woman now and again.  There was this bosomy
} brunnette last week that the Oracle spent half a night in, and it was
} great fun.


242-03    (22531 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise, witty, wonderous one, I ask of you:
>    If money is the root of all evil,
>    What is the evil of all root?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, now this is an important question. It turns out that the most evil
} thing in the root directory is its parent directory, '..'. This is
} SOOOOOOO evil that it is almost always removed by the system
} administrators just after the computer is first turned on.
} However, if you are unfortunate enough to have an account on one of
} those dreadful, slack systems which do not take such precautions, a
} little gentle poking around may reveal that the /.. directory is still
} very much in evidence, silently sneaking around the filespace in the
} dead of night swallowing defenseless processes. You always wondered
} where those files got to, didn't you! Well now you know.
} If you should ever come across /.. during the hours of darkness, when
} it is most active, the best thing you can do is chmod your home
} directory to 000, perform a ritual rehash and pray that *it* didn't
} spot *you*. You owe the Oracle some scary shell scripts.


242-04    (23431 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Elves?  Useless?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it took even deeper pondering that usual, but the
} Oracle does not fail. Your seemingly meaningless message
} has been deciphered. It was quite easy, really, once the
} simplicity of your method was apparent.
}
} Possible anagrams of your message were
}   Evel Uses Less??
}   Sue Sells Vees??
}   Level  Suesses??
}   Eve Sells Uses??
} Each of these permutations seemed plausible, especially the
} ones regarding Evel Knievel and Dr. Seuss, and the obvious
} kind of "uses" that Eve must be selling. But the Oracle
} pondered deeper still, and surmised the following was your
} intent:
}   Less US Levees??
} Now, to most mortal eyes this might be something more than
} mere gibberish, but less than an insightful question. However,
} the all-seeing Oracle has divined the ultimate core of your
} question: Will the South rise again, or will the North launch
} a pre-emptive attack on the former Confederacy, wiping out
} all its flood control and thus causing the drowning of all
} non-marine life south of the Mason-Dixon Line?
}
} The answer is No. Some damyankee football team will beat a plucky
} but outmanned eleven from the South in a holiday bowl clash,
} and that will satisfy the Northerners' blood lust for at least
} another year.
}
} You owe the Oracle your secret decoder ring.


242-05    (12541 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am Detective William Bennett. You can call me Will. I'm a private
> eye. I've come to you for a little advice. I have a way of doing
> business.  Seems to work pretty good. I get some dame who needs help.
> So I look around and see if I have any leads. If I have leads, I use
> the leads.  Otherwise I think to myself, what kind of lead would I
> like. Well, I'd like the best thing you can get on a case. That's an
> informant who knows all the dirt. And is ready to talk.
>
> So I think to myself. Where would I find someone who knows all the
> dirt.  It would probably be a female. I like those kind better. And
> she would likely hang out in a sleazy bar. Waiting for the chance to
> talk. Waiting for a guy like me to stroll in. So I have it narrowed
> down.  A dame who goes to a bar in a bad part of town. A hundred
> thousand people, maximum.
>
> I can make some other sharp guesses too, usually. Who might want to
> turn in Bank Robber Jim. Could be his mom. I look for someone of the
> right age who looks like him. Or I look for some dame he might have
> just broke up with. I try to figure out what kind of face a girl would
> have. Usually this works all right and I get my man. But this time I am
> having no luck. I've narrowed it down to maybe twenty thousand people.
> One of them, out there, somewhere, knows all the dirt and is ready to
> talk. Let me know what you angle is on this whole bit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (From the files or Oracle@spade.pi)
}
} Case number 179, the dirt-knower.
}
} I was minding my own business while dollface was typing up her polysci
} term paper when I got the news.  Bank Robber Jim was out again and he
} was looking to settle the score.  I needed a new angle.  The old one
} was far too obtuse. The word was that Jim was out in Banff getting in
} some skiing before the holidays.  I not only needed to get out there
} but I had to get there incognito. Problem was, my rod was in the shop
} and dollface was not about to lend me hers after what happened the last
} time.
}
} Then, like a bolt of lightning, it hit me.  Actually it hit me like the
} yellow pages, which is where I saw the ad.  Incognito car rentals.
} Clean cars, cheap you couldn't go wrong.
}
} The hour drive to Banff was relaxing.  I only hit one moose on the way
} out and he didn't seem to mind.  (It was his fault but...)  By the time
} I got out there the word was that Jim went back to town to do his
} Christmas shopping. So I came back.
}
} By the time I got back the word was OUCH LET GO that Jim had run up to
} Edmonton.  Of course, I thought.  West Edmonton Mall.  All your
} shopping can be done in a day.  Not wanting to waste time I headed up
} highway two. Sure enough, there was Jim, lying on the fake sand in the
} World Waterpark. His pet roach didn't look out of place at all.  I also
} noticed a bulge from the front of his trunks.  Since there were no good
} looking dames around, I assumed it was his piece. . (STOP THINKING
} DIRTY)  I couldn't rush him with all those innocent bystanders.
} Wouldn't look good on page one, I thought. So I waited and watched the
} dolphin show.
}
} By 4pm he'd had enough waterpark.  He came strolling out.  I followed
} him in my ingenious dolphin  disguise.  I knew I either looked like a
} dolphin ore one of those kids that are always hanging out by the arcade
} in fantasyland. I was incognito.
}
} But things were not all perfect. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed
} Big Bob Mcgrew.  It made me shiver.  Especially to see him in those
} tight pants. But I was unaware that Bob was out of Bowden.  Now I had
} two crooks to tail.  They left the mall. I followed.
}
} Before I knew it I was on highway 49, north of Edmonton.  These
} travelers were on there way to the land of the Mighty Peace.  Why?  I
} could only guess.  And I was right.
}
} They were the head of an illegal Christmas tree running organization.
} They set up camp just north of Grimshaw.  Before I could blink, they
} had two dozen trees illegally poached.  I knew if I didn't stop them
} before they got back to Edmonton, many youngsters would be drawn into
} crime selling C Christmas trees on the street.  So I waited and watched
} the northern lights. It looked almost as good as dollface.
}
} The next morning they left before I could put the dolphin suit on.
} Sure I looked ridiculous but I sort of liked it.  Within an hour, I had
} caught up to them on the highway.  They spotted me.
}
} (Envision stupid car chase here)
}
} Case 179 was solved after a brief stupid car chase.
}
} SLAM
}
} Case closed.
}
} This tour of Alberta brought to you by the Oracle (better known as
} renneber5901@janus.mtroyal.ab.ca)
}
} You owe the Oracle a tour through your province/state.


242-06    (03253 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ray.Moody@timbuk.CRAY.COM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>       Our university is considering a campus-wide recycling program for
> secretaries.  Old secretaries (over 40) will be collected, pulped, and
> reprocessed into new ones (of apparent age under 20).  Of how high a
> quality is a recycled secretary?  Will she age more quickly than a
> secretary grown in the usual way?  Will she be coarser?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Inquisitive One:
}
} Secretarial pulp is a very useful item, as it is like Play-Doh in the
} following fashion:  The end result all depends on the vision of the
} molder
}
} For example, the worst case scenario, (which also is the most
} likely scenario if the program is run by a bunch of burecratic dweebs),
} you will get drones.  Good looking drones, mind you, but they all type
} 120 wpm, take dictation at twice that, never eat, never sleep, etc.
} You get the picture.  It's like going into a restaruant and being
} served plastic fruit.
}
} On the other hand, (which is probably more of what you had in mind),
} you will see ASTOUNDING (literally) results.  For this to happen, the
} program must be run by some geeky Computer Science nerds or horny old
} widower university trustees.  I'm sure you could figure the rest, and
} damn, would you love it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of flesh-colored Play Doh.


242-07    (11254 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Roger Carasso?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I almost wish you hadn't asked this question; it requires such a long
} explanation...  But I'll cut it down as much as I can.
}
} Roger Carasso, a.k.a. T'ni Ghunga, is an Old One who has been trapped
} inside the net.  He was originally summoned by a strange, fanatical,
} woman in New England who lived in a deserted house that had been
} built on the remains of ancient ruins (all of which contained strange
} runes in a forbidden language).  A solitary traveller happened along
} and sought shelter in her house.  She invited him in and put him in a
} room on the sixth floor.  He heard strange noises at night, as if the
} wind was speaking to him, and one night he determined to investigate.
} The traveller followed the steps down through the basement, and the
} sub-basement, and a trap door, and then through a tunnel under an
} altar.  Down there he found one of the most putrid sights in all the
} universe -- a tentacled, spectacled, purple creature with cleft feet
} and four eyes.  The creature was chanting odious slogans, too monstrous
} to repeat.  The traveller ran back upstairs and searched frantically
} through the library, hoping to find a magical spell to send this
} creature back to the netherworld.  But his efforts were fruitless,
} except to discover that the creature, if uncontained, would eventually
} summon all of his cronies and take over the earth.
} This creature was the dreaded T'ni Gunga.
}
} At this moment, the traveller decided to try a desperate plan.  As a
} travelling computer salesman, he had in his briefcase a portable IBM.
}
} He rushed back dowstairs through the many levels and confronted the
} creature.  The next time the creature uttered a gutteral syllable, the
} traveller uploaded him into netnews.  There was a bright flash of light
} and a tremor that knocked him to his knees.  When he at last stood up,
} the house had vanished.  The traveller brushed off his pants and
} headed straight to the local insane asylum; his hair had turned white.
}
} The next day, postings began to appear from Roger Carasso. . .
}
} You owe the Oracle an entire collection of H.P. Lovecraft stories.


242-08    (01471 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On TV shows like "Mission: Impossible" people are forever disguisng
> themselves in elaborate makeup, and it always works perfectly.
> On the old series, for instance, they disguised a thoroughly Caucasian
> blonde as a Japanese woman by showing the actress glueing on a mask
> and wig, and then, I assume, cutting to a real Japanese actress and
> dubbing the blonde's voice over hers to make it seem that her disguise
> really worked.  But would any such disguises work in real life?
> Would they fool anybody for a second?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try, Fluffy, but that human disguise sucks.  Sorry, but
} your pupils are still vertical, your tounge still has bristles, and
} bunching up your tail inside your trousers only makes you look like
} an incontinent pervert.
}
} You owe the Oracle a scratching post.


242-09    (43240 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle,
>       How come I can't answer questions in a witty fashion.  Also,
> Jennifer said she would wirte tonight and no messagge from her has
> arrived; will she write?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question 1 :
}
} Because you are a fragile, weak mortal with no sense of humor, and you
} are worried about whether or not Jennifer will write.
}
} Question 2 :
}
} No, you know in your heart of hearts that she only said she would write
} to make you feel better about that massive faux pas with the bicycle
} pump and the do-nut, yes she *did* get it, the second and third
} demonstrations weren't really necessary. However, I wouldn't worry about
} it too much, 'cos Veronica thought it was incredibly funny, and at the
} moment she is plucking up the courage to send you a piece of lewd
} email, and that is something to REALLY worry about.
}
} You owe the Oracle an excuse for leaving swiftly.


242-10    (01534 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do grocery stores have those funny machines?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Those funny-looking machines you were curious about are, in fact,
} power polyhedrons created by the Ancients millions of millenia ago
} for reasons unknown.  Legends say they were built to protect our
} planet from a nuclear attack by an evil civilization from Thalassa,
} but since the Thalassians managed to kill themselves off before they
} really became a threat to our galaxy, the machines remained unused
} and were later sent off to the Plane of Safekeeping for storage.
} Slowly the memory of these strange devices faded away from mankind.
}
}    However, only twelve years ago I. Jonas, a young Norwegian
} archeologist, made an amazing discovery while digging out an old
} village in the vicinity of Oslo.  Beneath an old temple he found
} 16 weird globes of pulsating green light contained within glass jars.
} "This will make me famous!" he mused to himself as he transported
} them one by one to the surface.  Little did he know that within each
} and every one resided the spirit of an angry orthodontist, quite
} upset about being disturbed.
}
}    A horrendous curse was bestowed upon poor Jonas, whose dental
} structure was already inferior to that of most other Norwegians,
} causing him severe jaw deformation.  As a result of this, he was
} soon unable to chew or speak without experiencing great pain.  He
} realized that the only way to break the spell would be by returning
} the jars to their proper resting place, which he did.  But this
} disrupted the entire Cosmic Balance as a small side effect, allowing
} totally unlikely things to occur such as Dan Quayle's increase in
} political power and the spontaneous reappearance of the mysterious
} power polyhedrons.
}
}    One fine Sunday evening in Seattle a perceptant grocery clerk
} stumbled upon two of the long-lost machines and was hypnotized by
} the flashing colors and large, round buttons on the front of each
} machine.  Hoping that noone would notice, she quickly loaded them
} into the back of her car and drove down to the store where she
} normally worked during the week.  Not knowing what to do next, she
} carried them into store and died from addiction.
}
}    The following morning, Mr. Meenanugglee (the owner) found the
} machines and the dead body, and was puzzled.  He quickly got rid of
} the rotting corpse, believing it might have a deterrent effect on
} customers if left where it was, but wasn't quite sure about what to
} do with the remaining two objects.  Not having anywhere else to put
} them, he left them where they were.
}
}    Lots of people came and visited the store that day.  They were
} all fascinated by the wondrous machines and the rumor spread all
} over the city.  Mr. M. noticed how people would pump quarters into
} the tiny slots only to become more and more obsessed.  As a direct
} result of this, the tiny store was finally beginning to make some
} money.
}
}    Eventually even 7-11 and Safeway heard of this, so they too
} obtained power polyhedrons to attract people.  This went on for some
} time, and today it is nearly impossible to find a serious grocery
} store without one.
}
}    Be warned though, the power polyhedrons are very old and unstable.
} According to the stars, you should avoid stores containing these
} dangerous machines, especially if they start instructing you to
} 'insert groin'.
}
}    You now owe the Oracle a complete set of Fourier-transforms.


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