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Internet Oracularities #243

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243, 243-01, 243-02, 243-03, 243-04, 243-05, 243-06, 243-07, 243-08, 243-09, 243-10


Usenet Oracularities #243    (14 votes, 3.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 17 Dec 90 09:36:50 EST

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243   14 votes 02552 02534 01553 11237 22613 12254 04433 05720 12542 03137
243   3.5 mean  3.5   3.6   3.7   4.0   3.1   3.6   3.4   2.8   3.3   4.0


243-01    (02552 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A fine romance, this is
> A fine romance, without any kisses
> I'll never muss the crease on your blue serge pants
> I never get the chance
> This is a fine romance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How DARE you!  Klingons do not tease like that!  And further, you
} had the gaul to defile the most sacred part of a warrior's battle
} dress, his blue serge pants? You shall die!  Klingons never tolerate
} submissive behavior in their lovers.
}
} Guard, to the airlock with him!
}
} 3,    2,      1,      <FIRE!!!>
}                                     _
}                                   _|_|_
}                                 ^/ . ..\^
}                             ___[=========]___
}                  ___-==++""" .  /. . .  \ .  """++==-___
}            __-+"" __\   .. . .  | ..  . |  . .  .   /__ ""+-__
}           /\__+-""   `-----=====\_ <O> _/=====-----'   ""-+__/\
}         _/_/                      ""=""                      \_\_
}        /_/                                                     \_\
}       //                            |                            \\
}      /")                          \ | /                          ("\
}      \o\                           \*/                           /o/
}       \_)                       --**O**--                       (_/
}                                    /*\
}                                   / | \
}                                     |
}
} Klingons (and Oracles) do not tolerate wimpy lovers...
}
} You have been smitten.


243-02    (02534 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Derest, and most beloved Oracle!
>
> If i turn left at the nucleus, and step over those two electrones,
> will I be able to share those electron with the nucleus without
> causing what's known as a 'nuclear explosion' in some circuits? Or
> is it just that I am very very small today? Or what IS it really?
>
> PLEASE help me. I think there's a myon heading my way!
> /Zap

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the controversial new authors lecture circuit, you would only
} generate mixed reviews.
}
} On the professional racing circuit, you would receive blank stares.
}
} On the Oracle's own social circuit, which includes such notables
} as Bohr, Heisenberg, and the Supreme Being, you would be greeted
} with an explosion of laughter.  However,....
}
} On the "Fundamentalist Preachers Who Think Falwell is a Wimp" lecture
} circuit, engaging in quantum intercourse with a (formerly) Noble gas
} will produce an explosion of righteous condemnation. Should you then
} engage in electron swapping, with unmarried particles below legal size,
} there will be a wave of Fire'n'Brimstone pulled down from on high
} and cast upon your sinful brow. Should you then profane the accepted
} order of the universe by allowing those electrons to penetrate deep
} within your quantum tunnel, the sulpherous invective resulting from
} this unnatural act will no doubt trigger the apocalypse. Which will
} closely resemble a nuclear explosion, or a Tunamelt on rye.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fallout shelter, complete repentence, and three
} soggy cheesepuffs


243-03    (01553 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has ponderedour question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniimpont Oracle, where do I get off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Omniimpotent?"  My, how amusing.
}
} Where do you get off?  No problem, let's just consult your ticket.
} Hmmm, a 2nd class ticket via train from Wainscotting to
} Upcrust-on-Pyle, via Snormouth.  Oh, dear, we seem to have already
} passed the Upcrust station, but no matter, we'll just let you off RIGHT
} NOW!
}
} <bangcrashthumpbouncerollrollroll ...>
}
} Oh, dear, I suppose we should have stopped the train first.
}
} Harump, "Omniimpotent," indeed!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Eurail pass.


243-04    (11237 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question has been referred to the autoreply daemon.  Your question
} fits several categories, please pick the appropriate reply from the
} enclosed list.
}
} 1)Having trouble getting words out?  Sentences getting painfully stuck
} halfway?  Try delicious chocolate flavored Textlax for relief from
} mental constipation.
}
} 2) What??  Lip-synching your questions again??  I'm afraid you'll have
} to return that Orky award we gave you last year.
}
} 3)Congratulations!  You have just turned in the winning entry in our
} competition:"All the good reasons to declare war on Iraq."
}
} 4) Thank you.  The oracle advises a great many of its followers to keep
} quiet if they have nothing worthwhile to ask -- it's nice to be taken
} literally once in a while.
}
} 5) Is that all?  After years of net sex I tell you I'm having a baby PC,
} and all you have to say for yourself is <carriage return>??


243-05    (22613 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's Christmas time again, and people will be asking Santa Claus for
> all kinds of good (and not so good) stuff.  Me, I don't want anything
> special; I just want something different this year.  Every year its the
> same thing -- my mother sends me another fruitcake.  I tried to eat it
> the first time she sent one to me, but I couldn't eat the thing, so I
> threw most of it out.  Then I felt guilty.
>
> The next year, she sent me another.  I gave it to a now former
> girlfriend.  She hasn't spoken to me since.
>
> I got another one last year, and I kept it almost a whole year.  I just
> threw it out last week because my mom was coming to visit, and I
> couldn't let her see that I didn't eat last years.  She brought another
> one with her this year, and I don't know what to do.
>
> Tell me Oracle, why do people keep sending fruitcakes at Christmas, when
> no one actually eats the things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's become part of the American tradition.  Slowly, oh-so-slowly,
} people are realizing that most Americans hate fruitcake and will not eat
} it.  Partly this is because manufactured fruitcakes have almost no
} batter and are almost all candied fruit and low-grade nut (the batter
} portions get stale more readily, and so manufacturers keep them to a
} minimum), and follish American cooks have tried to emulate that.
}
} A well-made fruitcake, with a reasonable amount of batter, preserved in
} a large quantity of rum, brandy, Kirschwasser, or good Bourbon, is not a
} bad thing, though still not to everybody's taste.  A few monasteries
} make a pretty good one (the Trappists at Gesthemani in Kentucky -- they
} use Bourbon.  But the cheese they make is better than the fruitcake, and
} really they should be making ale like the Belgian Trappists make, or
} whiskey -- good manly things, not like wimpy fruitcake).
}
} Take heart and know that sales of fruitcake are plummeting throughout
} the U.  S., and so you are not alone in being sick of fruitcake.
} However, fruitcake makes great caulking, and can save you quite a few
} dollars a month on heating and cooling bills (depending on the climate,
} of course).  It's also great as a substitute for plaster.  Not even the
} cockroaches and mice will eat it except when starved.
}
} The Oracle suggests that in August, gently hint to your mother that you
} don't like fruitcake.  Say that you think it's too sweet and rots the
} teeth and makes you gain weight.  Increase the vehemence of your anti-
} fruitcake tirades gradually up until Thanksgiving.  Unless your mother
} is really obtuse, she'll get the idea.  If she sends one anyway, give it
} to your local food bank.  A really hungry family might appreciate the
} sheer caloric bulk of the thing.  If she asks about its disappearance,
} claim that you had an impromptu party and that other people (not you --
} hint that you don't really go for it any more -- too sweet for an adult
} palate) pigged out on it.


243-06    (12254 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do some girls and why don't other girls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some girls are nymphomaniacal sluts who can't control themselves and
} will insert any vaguely phallic object up their crotches but prefer
} a live human penis attached to a man.  Other girls are frigid virgins
} who wouldn't like sex much even if anybody would bother to offer it.
} And there's everything in between -- nymphomaniacal virgins who have
} incredible self-control and want to fuck every man in sight, but save
} it for marriage (often their husbands do not survive the honeymoon, but
} what a wonderful way to die: sexual excess with a horny bride!), frigid
} women who have to force themselves to have sex and fake orgasms and
} pretend to enjoy them because they fall in love easily and think that
} if they have sex with a man he will be theirs forever and so they close
} their eyes and hope to ensnare a husband.  All manner of variations,
} as multitudinous as the members of the human race.
}
} The Oracle is a bit old-fashioned and thinks that sex before marriage
} can be great fun, but is usually a bad idea in the long run.  The old
} ideas about there being two kinds of women, the ones you fuck and the
} ones you marry, and about asking each successive girlfriend if she'll
} screw with you and marrying the one who refuses, seem very sound to It.
}
} A woman can be a whore or a lady.  A man can be a satyr (or gigolo) or
} a gentleman.  Do as you damned well please, but expect only the respect
} you deserve.
}
} <The Oracle peels off its beautifully-made rubber head-mask to reveal
}  the smiling face of Jesse Helms.>


243-07    (04433 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend says that I will never understand her because I've never
> been a woman.  Of course I haven't!  How many men have?  What does she
> expect me to do, go around in drag or have a sex-change operation?
> It's not as if there were some way to temporarily change sex or
> something.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually, your girlfriend has hit upon something...  you see,
} Shirley McLaine is not really all that far off base.  Reincarnation is a
} true and wonderous thing.  The most well-adjusted people you know have
} past lives as all sorts of species and in all genders.  Looking back at
} your history, one quickly discovers that you have NEVER, and I mean
} NEVER, had a reincarnation as anything but a male (although there was a
} stint as an asexual petunia, but that really doesn't count).
}
} If you had, of course, spent some time as a female ANYTHING, then your
} past memories would subconsciously help you in dealing with your
} girlfriend (who has had a VERY interesting history, which I'll keep
} around for future reference...  let's just say she has had some
} interesting relationships in her past lives, including kings, queens,
} popes, artists, and a few other things too strange to discuss without
} proper compensation...  in other words, it will cost you).
}
} Now, how do we deal with this.  I've marked your file with an entry that
} your next 17 incarnations will be female, so in...  oh, 1413 years you
} should be okay.  Until then, you'll just have to do what males have been
} doing for years:
}
} 1)  Hide all the sharp objects
} 2)  Say "Yes, dear, I know..." quite a lot
} 3)  Spend as much time out of the house (away from her) as you can
}     without risking loss of life or limb
} 4)  Put the toilet seat down, even if you didn't leave it up.
} 5)  MOST IMPORTANT:  Never argue with them two weeks before or two weeks
}     preceeding any menstrual period, and don't argue with them DURING
}     the period either.  In fact, it would be best just to get as far
}     away as possible (I recommend Guam).
}
} You owe the Oracle snapshots of your next three lives, plus $15K in
} unmarked bills for a copy of the file on your girlfriend.


243-08    (05720 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I keep getting balaclavas and baklavas confused.  When I try to eat one
> of them it's really hard to chew; when I try to wear one of them I get
> honey and bits of pastry all over my head.  How do I avoid this
> confusion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Oracle has searched high and low for an answer to your question,
} and finally found it inscribed in volcanic rock near the European town
} of Leipzig (site of the famous "Bach Lava").
}
}   Simply tilt your head back as far as you can.  If you have pastry, it
} will slide right into your mouth.  Otherwise, you will be all right.
}
}   If this does not work, then the Oracle advises you to learn a foreign
} language in which these two objects have words that are less similar.


243-09    (12542 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens to good little computers when they die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When good little computers die, they go to the computer version of
} heaven (ver. 4.0).  Computer heaven is a place where Motorola-based
} systems and Intel-based systems frolic together in the meadows,
} unashamed of their lack of chassis.  Computer heaven is a place where
} "(A)bort, (R)etry, or (I)gnore" are words that do not have any meaning
} whatsoever.  Computer heaven is a place where 0% of development time is
} spent on debugging, as opposed to the figure of 98.23% here on Earth.
} Computer hell is a scary place.  It's full of noisy cooling fans,
} Miniscribe fixed-disks, people who say "Microcomputer".  Furthermore,
} the whole place is ruled by Timex Sinclairs and Vic-20's.  For a vision
} of computer limbo, look around.  We're deeply mired in it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bug free program which can write any bug free
} program.


243-10    (03137 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a runner always has to run half his remaining distance, how does
> he ever finish the race?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually finishing the race is not the problem, since even if the runner
} had microscopic enough feet to take the progressively tinier steps
} without stepping over the finish line accidentally, everyone knows it's
} a geometrically decreasing time sequence for each additional 'half', so
} the total time it takes is just a number.  No, the problem is with the
} mental state of the athelete.  See, after the first half of the race is
} over, the runner has to think twice as fast in order to perceive the
} rest of the race as he perceived the whole race initially.  After he's
} gone half *that* distance, he has to think twice as fast again.  By the
} time he's gone 0.9999999 of the way, he's thinking so fast he'd put a
} Cray to shame.  Finally he crosses the finish line in finite time, but
} in the meantime he's thunk so damn fast he's blown every neuron in his
} head.  Ever wonder why sprinters always have such goofy grins?
}
} You owe the Oracle a gold medal and a lobotomy.


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