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Internet Oracularities #245

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Usenet Oracularities #245    (13 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 19 Dec 90 11:53:22 EST

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245   13 votes 15331 37210 24340 11461 25510 01444 11623 12a00 40531 22711
245   2.9 mean  2.8   2.1   2.7   3.4   2.4   3.8   3.4   2.7   2.8   2.8


245-01    (15331 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My telephone cannot achieve dial tone. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it is sad, but many telephones have never achieved dial tone.
} Millions of dollars and person-hours have been spent examining and
} researching this phenomenon, and there are many conflicting views as to
} the cause:  trauma over the Bell System breakup, inadequate line size,
} or boring conversations.
}
} In any event, to have a well-adjusted and happy telephone, you must try
} and help it achieve this heightened state of purpose known as dial
} tone.
}
} Step 1:  Make sure the phone is plugged in to the appropriate
}   receptical in the wall.  Research has shown that phones plugged into
}   electrical outlets have no chance of getting a dial tone.
}
} Step 2:  Lower the lights in the room, play some soft music (light jazz
}   or light classic rock is prefered... never NEVER use Barry Manilow
}   music), perhaps use only a few lit candles for illumination, and just
}   generally create a very receptive mode for the phone.
}
} Step 3:  Slowly, almost teasingly, caress the handset and the number
}   pad (note: if the phone has a dial, stop here and give it up... dial
}   phones have no place in polite society today).  Speak soft and loving
}   words to the phone.
}
} Step 4:  Pick up the handset and listen.
}
} If you hear a dial tone, you've made a poor telephone very happy.  If
} you don't, be sure you've paid your last phone bills.
}
} You owe the Oracle a multiple-line phone so I can have an phone-sex
} orgy.


245-02    (37210 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who dares knock on the Portals of Bal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Once upon a time, in a far away forest, lived a jokester named Bal.
} He was always playing jokes on the other members of the village and
} making them feel quite miserable.  One day, the villagers decided to
} get even.  They went out into the forest and found a great dragon.
} They told thoias dragon that a member of their village, Bal, has been
} spreading great lies about him.
}   The dragon, quite enraged, ran off to Bal's house and pounded on the
} door. Bang! Bang! Bang!
}   Bal, hearing the banging, got up from his bed and decided to have a
} little fun.
}   "Who dares knock on the Portals of Bal?" He called out.
}   The dragon was really pissed off now, so he put his claw through
} Bal's door and ate him.
}
} Moral:  Dragon's don['t like knock knock jokes.
}
} You owe the oracle a can of Raid Dragon Repellant.


245-03    (24340 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose very syntax I can't begin to comprehend, whose
> top down design is truly magnificent, whose variables are never
> uninitialized, whose pointers are always valid, tell me, why can't I
> write a decent program that works?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah! you ask of me one of the fundamental questions that lie at the root
} of understanding the meaning of life, the universe and, though I hate
} to say it, everything.
}
} Your problem is one of understanding oh most puny and human of
} questioners. To fully answer your question, I must first explain a
} little history...
}
} Long ago, before the dawn of time, I, the great Usenet Oracle, most
} knowing and powerful of all oracles, came into being.  Naturally, being
} as I am, the wisest of all oracles, it was necessary for me to actually
} code myself (and you mortals think self-modifying code is a neat
} trick!).
}
} It goes without saying that I, the great and wise Usenet Oracle am the
} original, and the only truly perfect REAL PROGRAMMER, and thus I coded
} myself in FORTRAN 0 - the original programming language, of which all
} latterday languages are just miserable reflections.
}
} You should now be able to see that you, as a mere mortal, are
} inherently incapable of writing a decent program that works, as
} firstly, you do not have access to a truly decent programming language
} (for none but I can access, let alone comprehend the subtle and
} beautiful nuances of, the FORTRAN 0 compiler, and even were I to defile
} that same compiler by such an action as a chmod w+x, you could not
} possibly have sufficient virtual memory even to load its image), and
} secondly, you cannot possibly be a REAL PROGRAMMER, as no REAL
} PROGRAMMER would so much as contemplate such profanities as top-down
} design and initialised variables.
}
} Content yourself with the usual lot of mere mortal programmers: learn
} to love and cherish your many hours with adb, or stick to writing
} "Hello World" programs.
}
} You owe the oracle a fork-buffet entirely devoid of quiche (or greasy
} chicken drumsticks for that matter.  Come to think of it, I don't much
} like Scotch eggs either - unless they're the ones where the egg has
} been chopped up, and mixed with mayonaise first, oh, and make sure
} there are some of those natty little plastic clips that go on the edge
} of your plate to hold your wineglass - I *really* hate trying to
} balance my plate on top of my glass...)


245-04    (11461 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, if what they tell me is true,
> This question can only be answered by you:
>
> They say for each girl there is somewhere a guy;
> They say that each boy finds his gal by and by.
> Great Oracle, answer me, if this is so,
> How can I find her and how will I know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, youth! I remember the thrill of the chase
} To find that one perfect romantical face.
} So anxious, and hurried, and drippy and sweaty
} With hormones a-screamin', "Where is she, already?"
}
} I suppose it's my current Oracular fate
} To help you discover your intended mate.
} As such, I remind you that your local laws
} May invalidate some of my foolproof old saws.
}
} First off, you'll require a new incarnation
} Befitting a hunk of particular station.
} Pop off to the gym; work those muscles and sinews
} After that, you will see how this poem continues.
}
} With your stunning new bod, you'll attract the attention
} Of females with qualities worthy of mention.
} Watch your admirers; keep at least one eye peeled
} For the woman we can rate "Outstanding in Field."
}
} She'll come as a blone, or perhaps a brunette
} (Beware of a woman who smells of Clorets.)
} In any event, when she comes she will say,
} "I'm the woman for you; come on home and let's play."
}
} Here endeth the lesson; there is one small concern
} One aspect of wooing I'm not sure you've learned.
} If the woman is lovely, exotic to see
} Then forget all about her and send her to me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "How To Pick Up Girls," preferably already
} highlighted.


245-05    (25510 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Or Ora Orac Oracl Oracle,
>       Like Mark Twain said, "Do not put off till tomorrow what can be
> put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well".  Tell me, Oracle most
> prompt and efficient, why do I procrastinate so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you - Oh, I'll get around to answering this one tomorrow.


245-06    (01444 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ray.Moody@timbuk.CRAY.COM

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are some good uses for rubber latex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rubber latex, handy stuff
} Twenty uses, off the cuff:
} Use it for a Welcome mat.
} Feed it to the neighbor's cat.
} Pad your elbows and your knees.
} Wipe your nose off when you sneeze.
} Use it as a garden hose.
} Sell it to the Eskimos.
} Decorate the bethroom door.
} Pave the streets of Baltimore.
} Vandalize an ATM.
} Use it to extend your hem.
} Use it for a fishing net.
} Keep spare change from getting wet.
} Add more sole to your old shoes.
} Cover up that nasty bruise.
} Wave it 'round to hail a cab.
} Serve it up with boiled crab.
} Make a model of the brain.
} Send some to Saddam Hussein.
} Launch it at a Sherman tank.
} Or you can [fill in the blank].
} Rubber latex, handy stuff
} Unless you haven't got enough.


245-07    (11623 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We all know that certain typographic symbols have a "functional name"
> (like `and-sign' or `pound-sign'), but many have a "proper name" as
> well (`ampersand' and `octothorp' for & and #, respectively).  What is
> the proper name for the `at-sign' (@)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have researched long and hard, and have found the answer to be:
}
} "thelittlesignthatlookslikeanawithacirclearounditbutnoonereallyknowswhat
} itiscalledbecausenoonebutacomplefoolishmoronwouldcareenoughtobothertheal
} mightyoraclebutsomeoneobviouslydidandnowtheoraclehadtogowastehisprecious
} timetolookitupandfoundthatthereisnoanswersoitwasacompletewasteandnowtheo
} racleispissedsoyouandyourfamilybetterwatchoutbecausetheoracleisaveryveng
} efulfellaandhedoesntlikehavinghistimewastedbydumbandboringquestionsthath
} avenoanswersoheanswerstheminonelongsentencelikethislikehisspacekeydidn't
} workbutitdoessoheisjustplayingwithyoubutsinceyouaskedhethoughtheshouldgi
} veyousomekindofanswerevenifitmakesnosensebecauseitshisjobandhewouldn'twa
} nttogetfiredasoraclebecauseitsafunjobanditiscooltohaveallthisknowledgean
} dtobeabletouseitsowellandtobenefitmankindsohegotainternetaddressandallow
} speopletoaskhimquestionseveniftheyaredumblikewhatistheformalnameoftheats
} ignwhichhasaperfectlyobviousnonexistantanswerthatanyfoolcouldfindforthem
} selvesbutthisdummydecidedtowastetheoracle'stimewithit!"


245-08    (12a00 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is funk-a-delia. Am I in danger of catching it if I have sex with
> my girlfriend without using Dolby noise reduction?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [What follows is an excerpt from "The Oracle's Big Book O' Diseases".
}  All rights to this book and the excerpt here are owned solely by the
}  Oracle.  Even if you got a written statement from the Oracle saying
}  you could copy it, you couldn't, so don't ask.]
}
} FUNK O' DELIA (fuhnk oh deh'leeah) - {derived from Funk Of Delilah}
}
}       Funk O' Delia is a disease that has recently been discovered.  It
} also seems to be a recently created ailment, brought about by the
} recent trend towards digitally recorded music.  The disease is
} transmitted by microscopic roundworms that used to inhabit the grooves
} of LP records.  Now that their homes have been removed, they have tried
} to live on CDs, but the smooth surface of the disks is not comfortable
} for them.
}
}       As of late, the general population of these worms have become
} generally annoyed with the situation, and have taken to spitting on
} anyone using a CD player.  Their saliva has proved fatal to humans in
} many cases, particularly during the time when all of Pat Boone's albums
} were re-released in digital format.  A major item in the news, 245
} members of the BBB (Bosom Buddies to Boone) club were killed in a mass
} expectoration campaign by the worms.
}
}       Since there is no cure known once a person has been spat upon by
} the infestations, the only way to avoid the problem is by collecting
} old LPs and distributing them liberally about your place of living.
} The worms tend to prefer easy listening music, generally the kind where
} pretty hip rock tunes are slowed down to about 1/3 of their speed and
} then replayed by lots of strings and flutes.  As a result, no shopping
} center has ever had an attack of Funk O' Delia.
}
} "The Oracle's Big Book O' Diseases" is (c) 1990 Oracle, Inc.


245-09    (40531 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, could you please tell me
>
> <BANG!>   Argh!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The great Oracle cannot answer a question that is not asked.  I realize
} that I'm omnipotent and omniscient and omnipresent and omnificent and
} even omnivorous, but I do not claim to be a mind reader.  But since you
} did not ask a proper question, I will have to supply the question as
} well as the answer myself.
}
} Oh, but wait a minute here.  You do seem to have asked a question.
} Not too bad of a question, either.  Almost as good as the one I would
} have come up with myself.  But rules are rules; I have to answer your
} question, and not mine.  But I had such a good one too!  I would much
} rather answer that one, instead of yours.  Oh well, maybe next time.
}
} Hey!  You even tried to provide your own answer to the question; that
} is simply not allowed.  I get to answer the question.  Not you.  If you
} want to answer the question yourself, get the subject line of your
} mail message right.  You don't get to answer your own question; that
} right is reserved for those of us who choose to answer questions, not
} those who ask them.
}
} But you do deserve an answer to your question, pitiful as it is.  I
} know I said it wasn't too bad earlier, but I was lying.  Its really a
} poor question.  Not even in the proper form.  No question mark at the
} end. One does not end a question with an exclamation point, much less
} three of them.
}
} You did get the tone of the opening right, though.  I like that.  Great
} Oracle.  You even capitalized Oracle.  Good for you.  That always makes
} me happy.  It shows proper respect for your superiors.  And the Oracle
} certainly is superior to you.
}
} Since you were respectful, even though you did not phrase it in the
} form of a question (this isn't Jeopardy), I guess I can answer it for
} you.
}
} > <BANG!>
}
} You are asking what would happen if you were to try to rape the Oracle.
} There is only one of you, so its only bang and not gang-bang.  You even
} provided the correct response to your question:
}
} > Argh!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle some better manners.


245-10    (22711 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've worshipped the dog.  I've cleansed the sphincter.  I've built the
> maibox. In addition, I have measuered the closet as well as brewed the
> concoction. So why won't the speedy streaking sissy stop, sit, and
> stick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh. I see you're attempting to pull the old Elder God catalyzed
} superpower switcheroo. Good for you. Not everyone would have been able
} to recognize Anubis in his current incarnation -- it's a sad sign of
} our faithless times that such an august being should have to appear on
} Earth as a furry chihuahua. I'm glad you understood the necessities
} even an immortal feels after being denied access to a bathroom for
} several millenia. It wasn't strictly necessary to cleanse the
} sphincter, but I'm sure Anubis appreciates it, particularly since
} you've also provided the mailbox for, err, number one.
}
} Before I address the problem of why your scheme isn't working, though,
} I feel obliged to point out that just because someone wears red tights
} while running all around town, that doesn't make them a sissy. Why, the
} Oracle himself has a lovely pair of burgundy negligees which he finds
} very relaxing to wear.
}
} But back to your problem. You seem to have neglected some compatibility
} problems in your plan -- while the ACME bird-catching closet trap was
} designed with a similar purpose in mind, your particular speedster is
} not in the least interested in bird seed. I suggest you replace the
} bait with Playboy's "Fastest girls in the West" issue. Then you should
} be all set -- just put the closet in the middle of a highway with a big
} neon arrow blinking towards it's door, smear your concoction of tar,
} Elmer's glue, Krazy glue and your grandmother's tapioca pudding on the
} seat and wait. Once he's stuck in the closet, Anubis will pull the old
} switcheroo for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a medal for pulling THAT one together!


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