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Internet Oracularities #246

Goto:
246, 246-01, 246-02, 246-03, 246-04, 246-05, 246-06, 246-07, 246-08, 246-09, 246-10


Usenet Oracularities #246    (10 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 21 Dec 90 11:02:00 EST

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246   10 votes 15202 10423 10432 02332 44110 21331 00154 30610 33031 10342
246   3.1 mean  2.7   3.6   3.5   3.5   1.9   3.0   4.3   2.5   2.6   3.6


246-01    (15202 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is a STOP sign octagonal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} A STOP sign is octagonal for the same reason that a byte has eight
} bits. Von Neumann and Henry Ford were second cousins, and both came
} from very large families.  The number eight (as in eight to the 1/4th
} power square (four sides) meals a day) had great significance to both
} men.  Both flirted with Buddhism, the Mystic Kabbalah, and politics.
} Von Neumann was wise enough to restrict himself to computer architecure
} and campus politics, but Ford went on to automation, automobiles, and
} automatic writing.
}
} It is an obscure, but important detail that Ford's first design for the
} Model A was dictated by the very same discorporate entity, Aiwass, who
} gave Aleister Crowley "The Book of the Law".  A definite step down, but
} this was during the Depression, when work was hard to find.
}
} Hope this answers your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle eight emeralds, seven sapphires, six semi-precious
} stones, five fig-newtons, four fudge bars, three trapese artists, two
} contortionist courtesans and a partridge in a pear tree.


246-02    (10423 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, as the minds of mortal men are as open books to you, perhaps
> you might read me a chapter or two from mine:
>
> For the past several weeks I have had a recurring dream in which I am
> perched atop a Xerox machine as big as a house. Before me runs a
> crystal clear brook, and on the far side of the brook is a beautiful
> girl, sitting in an overstuffed chair, wearing a straitjacket and a
> pair of Mickey Mouse ears with MY NAME stitched on them! She calls to
> me in a clear, sweet voice, but she thinks I am a bird and I will fly
> to her. Twice I tried to climb down off the Xerox machine, but both
> times the ground was covered with aluminum cans and I had nowhere to
> step. I think I am in love with her. What does this dream mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CHAPTER 1:  TRIAL BY XEROX
}
} As you look around on your lofty perch, you spot a series of buttons:
} one red, one blue, and one green.
}
} If you press the red, go to chapter 2:
} If you press the blue, go to chapter 3:
} If you press the green, go to chapter 4:
} If you don't press anything, go blow yourself off in a corner.
}
} CHAPTER 2:   TRIAL BY ALUMINIUM
}
} The Xerox behemoth spews a multitude of papers in your face, and you
} tumble onto the aluminum cans.  Several of them are cut in half, and
} the shards stab into your back....but this is not the worst of it!
} Into your wounds spill the remains of some New Diet Caffeine-Free
} Cherry Cola-flavored Sprite, which fumes on your wounds and begins to
} eat away at your skin.  The beautiful girl laughs hysterically, having
} seen the funniest thing in her life.
}
} CHAPTER 3:   TRIAL BY FLIGHT
}
} The cover of the Xerox machine springs open, sending you into the air,
} with the promise of smashing your face in when you land.
}
} Do you :   Attempt to fulfill your wishes and fly to her;  go to
}            chapter 5: Refuse to take part of a dream where the girl
}                  isn't easy to get;  go to chapter 6:
}
} CHAPTER 4:   TRIAL BY WATER
}
} The green button teleports you 3 feet underneath the crystal clear
} brook.  Even though you realize this as soon as it happens, your meager
} brain just doesn't know how to adjust to such a circumstance, so you
} drown as the girl stares at you in anticipation.
}
} CHAPTER 5:    TRIAL BY AIR
}
} As you spread out your "wings," you realize how idiotic you must look,
} and plummet to your death.
}
} CHAPTER 6:    TRIAL BY SEX
}
} Excited by your grasp on reality, the girl shreds the straightjacket
} with her hands, dives to save you, and brings you back to her chair,
} where she proceeds to rip your pants off with her fingernails and
} begins to devour your engorged phallus in a way that would make a
} nymphomaniac timid.  As you writhe from the ecstasy of the dream, you
} wake to the nudging of your disgusted parents, and you realize that its
} time you got yourself a life.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cold shower.


246-03    (10432 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My friend likes to drink Kool-Aid hot because more Kool-Aid mix will
> dissolve into the mixture per volume water; hence, he gets a higher
> Kool-Aid content. Oracle, is this healthy? Is it socially incorrect?
> Can he still call it Kool-Aid? Do you in your transinfinite wisdom
> reccomend it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please remain calm.  As quickly and quietly as you possibly can, get as
} far away from your Kool-Aid experimenting friend as you can get.
} Disavow any knowledge of his actions.  Swear you don't know him.  You
} may be subject to social prejudice, peer ridicule, security
} investigations, or other heinous things if your association with this
} person is ever discovered.
}
} Willfully increasing the concentration of Kool-Aid in water by
} intentionally heating the water mixture is a growing problem in this
} country today.  And no, it is not socially acceptable, as the process
} results in Uncool-Aid.  This has been correlated with a high degree of
} significance to the recent outbreak of Uncool-AIDS, an incurable
} disease affecting an increasing number of Ivy League Preppies.
} Uncool-AIDS gradually turns the skin permanently the color of the
} ingested fluid, clogging the pores, suffocating the follicles, until
} the skin simply peels away leaving an unsightly blob of colored gel.
} Be forewarned that Uncool-AIDS can be spread by drinking from dirty
} glasses, so be very careful of your hygenic practices around your
} doomed friend.  You should also hint that he should be tested for RIV
} (Raspberry Infiltration Virus).
}
} If you are indeed interested in increasing the amount of flavor in your
} Kool-Aid, the Oracle recommends you try adding alcohol to increase the
} concentration of Kool-Aid.  Better still, use unsweetened Kool-Aid,
} straight dark rum, and a splash of Southern Comfort, also known as
} Radical-Aid.  Or forget the Kool-Aid altogether and make Jell-O with
} vodka instead of water. Or better still, stick to real drinks, food,
} and fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Robert Mondavi Cabernet Reserve.


246-04    (02332 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   "Relax."  The dwarf is still sittin' next to me.  He'd cleaned
> himself up pretty well.  How long've I been out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   "'Bout twenty minutes," answered the dwarf with a lopsided grin. "Dat
} goon musta hit ya pretty good, huh?"
}
}   "Yeah, I guess."  He sure musta.  My head felt like ConEd had been
} usin' it for jackhammer practice.  I looked around the apartment.
} "It's gone?"
}
}   "Yeah."  The dwarf shook his head sadly.  "After all dat woik, we
} make one mistake, and poof!  All gone."  I lit a cigarette, and took a
} long drag, trying to bring my brain back into some sort of workin'
} order.  I hadn't seen the guy who'd hit me.  I hadn't heard anyone.  I
} gave the dwarf a long, calculating stare.  He started to fidget.  "Uh,
} doncha think we should go after 'im?" he stammered.
}
}   "Yeah, I guess."  The dwarf would have been more convincing if he
} hadn't left the cosh on the table.  I stood, and got my coat off the
} chair.  I always kept an extra gun in the pocket.  It comes in handy
} sometimes.  I didn't find anything when I searched the dwarf's body, or
} anywhere else. Whatever he'd done with the password lists, they weren't
} in the room.  Then I noticed the smell.  A little ozone.  Cheap
} cologne.
}
}   The Oracle.  Of course.  That damn' interferin' little twerp.  He'd
} got in my way too many times before, and I'd had enough.  This time it
} would be different.  I knew just how to
}
} ... system message at 11:15 ...
}
} System going down immediately!  Log off now!!
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "The Maltese Falcon."


246-05    (44110 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, Dr. Ruth.  I just wanted to say that I love your show and think
> you're doing a great service to mankind.  My girlfriend and I listen to
> it every night before, well, you know.  Anyway, Dr. Ruth, I had a
> question.  Where, precisely, _is_ that dratted G spot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has forwarded your question to Dr. Ruth.
}
} The Oracle has received this reply from Dr. Ruth:
} "Shit, man.  I dunno.  I dont' write the stuff, I just read it on
} camera. They didn't think it was right for my 14-year-old daughter to
} read it, so they gave it to me.  Personally, I think it's all kinda
} queer, all that talkin about sex 'n stuff.  I just like to Do It,
} talkin about it all the time makes me sick.
}  I suggest you talk to my daughter.  She's Comming Out witha book next
} week.  It's called, "How to find that G spot in less than 6 seconds."
} It's got big easy to read print.


246-06    (21331 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why finals

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finals are the mechanism that we higher life forms employ to keep inept
} mortal-types (like you) from graduating from our institutions of
} higher learning without discovering the uses of punctuation marks. (We
} had tried firing squads, but it was pure hell on our enrollment.....)
}
} You owe the Oracle 10,000 hand-written repetions of:
}
}       I will learn to use punctuation marks properly.
}
} By tomorrow morning.


246-07    (00154 dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: eire@bogart.stanford.edu (L Cranor)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, wiseguy... if you think you are so f**king smart, answer this
> one:
>
> where the hell did I put my damn checkbook??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't misplace your checkbook.  It left on its own.
}
} In a highly secret project in the late 1970's, DoD funded intensive
} investigation into the possible applications of artificial intelligence
} to household economics. The primary installation was established in a
} first floor lab at MIT.  In one of those peculiar conincidences that
} make life the fun place that it is, upstairs, in another high-security
} lab, DoE biotechnologists were experimenting on induced mutation in
} mollusks.
}
} You see where this is going?
}
} One frosty February night, a group of MIT's vaunted Hackers broke into
} the upstairs lab, and knocked over a vial of pale green liquid
} containing several mis-shapen lumps.  The liquid quickly corroded a
} hole in the floor, dropping the mutating bivalves into an open computer
} on the floor below. The resulting explosion scared the hell out of the
} Hackers, and wiped out most of the contents of both labs.  Most of
} them.
}
} The energy of the explosion catalyzed the mutations, which took some
} rather bizarre turns as they encounted the hardware scattered about the
} AI lab. In the morning, the scientists arriving to their former labs
} were rather startled to discover that the floor was teeming with tiny,
} animate checkbooks, scuttling about, reproducing, and accumulating
} interest.  The horrified staff quickly gathered up these by-products,
} which were shipped off to central Alaska for careful study.  A few
} escaped, and hid themselves in nearby banks.  From this base, they have
} proliferated throughout North America (ref Federal Reserve Bank Report
} #134-227.8/1990 "Unexplained Factors in the Savings and Loan
} Collapse").  Experts estimate that as many as one in ten thousand
} checkbooks in the United States is alive.
}
} This new species is higly intelligent, with advanced mathematical
} talents, but few little social skills.  They are easily upset.  When
} distressed, checkbooks will issue large drafts, randomly change their
} balances, and in the worst cases, run away from home.
}
} In short: You have abused your checkbook, and it has left you for a
} better home: My home, where it has a nice box to sleep in by the stove
} and its own silver Cross pen.  It is very happy, and it doesn't want to
} come back to you.  Do not try to recover it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of your signature.


246-08    (30610 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't I get no mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you poor lonely boy.  Here, st your tired head on the Oracle's
} chest...a bit bumpy, but they're NICE bumps, aren't they now...the
} Oracle will kiss you and make you feel all better...
}
} <hey, do I have to stay in drag like this acting matronly but sexy?>


246-09    (33031 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise and omnipotent (the girls have had a *lot* to say
> about this "omnipotent" business, lemme tell you)
> why is it that love does such strange and horrible things to people?
>
> it is such a common scenario for A to love B, but B really yearns for C
> who is married to D who is cheating on C with E who is really not
> interested because E is utterly enrapt with a totally preoccupied A.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Romantic love is a snare.  It coists largely of sexual lust.  Now
} sex is a great sport, but it should not be used as the basis of a
} relationship or marriage -- it's not strong enough for that, being a
} mere fragile reed (like Donna Reed only more so).  Anyhow, D seems to
} be at the core of this whole problem.  Eliminate D, and B will marry C,
} A will stomp off in disgust and eventually marry E.  (Hey, waitaminnit
} -- suppose A is male, B is female, C is male, D is female, and E is
} male.  So E and A cannot get married, but they can get a nice little
} apartment on Castro in San Francisco and share a king-sized waterbed.)


246-10    (10342 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh, most bodaceous one,
>
> Why are most teeth white?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Whoa Dude!  Like I don't beleive it, eh?  Like not in a million
} years!  What a totally grooovey question!
}
}       You're like on the waves, man.  And you see this REALLY hot
} babe lying on the beach, and you're like getting bodaceous good
} vibrations, ok?  So you like ride the surf back to the beach and you
} walk up to her.  You want her to get good vibrations too, right?  So
} you can't have bad breath, dude, that would be bogus.  So to stop
} yourself from having bad breath, you like brush your teeth all the
} time, eh?  Well when you brush your teeth, dude, you don't just like
} get rid of bad breath, man.  You like clean of all this stuff that was
} on your teeth, see?  Isn't that like soooo exxxxcelent?  And like when
} you have taken all that stuff of your teeth, what's underneath is like
} white, eh.  So that's like why most teeth are white, dude.
}
}       What?  You say "That's BO-GUS" do you?  Like what did you want
} to know, dude?  Oh I get it.  You like want to know why the stuff
} that's underneath, the stuff that like underneath is white, right?
} Well the reason is that you teeth are made of the same thing as you
} bones, dude. And your bones are like white.  And the bodaceous stuff
} that they are like both made out of is called Calcium Hydroxide.  Long
} word, eh?  Like that stuff is white, eh, so that's why your teeth are
} like white.  And that's also like why your bones are white.  And ya
} know why milk is white? Cause it's got Calcium in it too, dude.  And if
} you can remember (uugh) school, chalk is like white, because of
} Calcium, too.  Neat eh?
}
}       Don't like ask me why like Calcium Hydroxide is white, man.  Cause
} like I didn't create the stuff.  That was like God who did that.  Let
} me like get him on the phone, dude.
} <Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep>
}       Oh, Bogus!  Like His line's busy, eh?  Like I dunno why Calcium
} Hydroxide is white, dude.  I would have made it like pink or something
} cause that would be like a totally awesome color.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Surfboard and some Exxxxxelent waves, dude.


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