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Internet Oracularities #247

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Usenet Oracularities #247    (10 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 3 Jan 91 14:32:29 EST

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247   3.0 mean  2.7   3.0   2.4   4.0   3.0   3.6   3.5   2.3   2.8   2.3


247-01    (12610 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, wise Oracle,
>       I want a woman who looks like a real-life version of those dark,
> squiggly-haired women in the "Sylvia" comic strip.  They are a bit too
> feminist (i.e., to the point of bitchiness) for me, but they look so
> cute. How do I get to know women who look like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want to meet a woman like that and get to know her, eh?  Well this
} is simple.  Just start by attending a feminist rally.  You can find out
} where these are held at any local college campus, especially one like
} UC Berkeley. Once you're there drop a lot of comments about how
} wonderful you think the woman's movement is and how much you'd like to
} discuss it over dinner (this last part is directed toward the
} squiggle-head).  A few words of caution before explaining what to do
} about dinner, though.  NEVER use the words "babe" "chick" or "tomato"
} (not even talking about real tomatoes --- someone will overhear you and
} cut your, uh, well let's just say it's a bad idea)
}
} Once you've found a squiggle-head who is willing to come to your home,
} PUT ON AN APRON.  You don't own an apron?  GET ONE!  It'll make you
} look like the subservient docile man squiggle-heads all think they
} want.  Of course you'll need to learn how to cook and clean and tend
} babies first, as you wouldn't want the siggle-head to think you were
} just putting on an act.  You need to really get into the mindset of a
} housewi --- er, person.  Once you've impressed her with your total lack
} of pride and dignity and completely subservient manner, she'll make you
} marry her (don't worry --- by this time you'll be too spineless to
} object) and you an spend the rest of your days catching her sneaking
} peeks at Tom Cruise: Undressed and the Chip and Dale's calendar.
}
} Consider well this answer from the Seveth Incarnation of the Usenet
} Oracle as Firplex (version 0.9)


247-02    (12421 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise old Oracle,
>       I bought a box of Kix cereal the other day.  On the back of the
> box is a picture of two children and a sexy woman a bit too young to be
> their mother.  Does this mean that the children and their "mother" are
> included inside the box?  I suppose that I could empty the contents of
> the box into the biggest mixing boxl I have and see if three little
> packets of compressed, freeze-dried human being are in there, but it's
> easier asking you; moreover, you, O Oracle, can also tell me how to get
> them if they're not in the box.  Actually, I'll settle for the woman --
> the kids aren't necessary.
>       But if they're not in the box, isn't that false advertising?  If
> there are pictures of people on a cereal box there should be the people
> inside.  I know the lonely girl down the street got herself her very
> oen (uh, own) Michael Jordan in a box of Wheaties, so I should be able
> to get this woman in a box of Kix.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, now, my son... you know unless there is a "Free Inside" banner on
} the box, there is nothing inside but the cereal.  To get the woman,
} what you ned to do is buy a box of Kix with a free inside banner on the
} front, carefully cut it out, and then paste it on the back over the
} sexy woman.  Then take this box back to the store, carefully and neatly
} insert it on the shelves, and go home.  The next day, come back and
} purchase your box again.  I know this means buying it twice.. do you
} think sexy young women come cheaply?
}
} When you get it home, you must eat all the cereal in a single sitting
} to prove that you have the proper... appetites to satisfy the s.y.w.
} When you are done with this, there will be a small object remaining in
} the bottom of the box.  Now, you have two options here.  You are going
} to need to mix this object with both household foods, and it will
} eventually become a proper young woman, so you want to either put it in
} a large dish or put it inside a night gown or something.  Actually, I
} guess you coult put it inside the nightgown, and then put the nightgown
} on the dish... Why haven't I thought of that all the other times I've
} been asked this question?  Hmm...
}
} Assuming you have the smail object inside some properly femininely
} piece of clothing and on a large dish, cover the object in sugar, and
} spice, and, oh, a little of everything nice you have in the house.  You
} might want to include some melted butter, some honey, and perhaps some
} pins and needles, depending on how hot, sweet, and sharp you want her
} to be....
}
} Now, you know a watch pot never boils, and a watched woman never
} materializes, so go out of the room.  As a matter of fact, you better
} get out of the house. Assuming you put in even one needle, she'll be
} smart enough to take care of herself, so don't worry about that.  Go to
} the grocery store and restock all the crap that's now sitting in the
} dish.  'Cept the object.  heh heh.
}
} What's that?  While you're shopping, you see a sexy, young lady?  She
} looks just like you envisioned the one on the box would look if she
} wasn't drawn by some really cheesy comic book artist?  Well, now you're
} on the horns of a dilemma.  That _might_ be your s.y.w., out shopping
} for all the stuff you used to make her... or it might be a real woman.
} You have to decide whether you can possibly handle two s.y.w., now....
} If you can't, just watch her walk by.. if she's the one you made,
} you'll meet her at home (by the way, I hope you didn't put the littler
} objects from the box of Kix in the mix... the kids won't work with the
} woman-mix.  Not enough mud.) and if she's not, your s.y.w. will be at
} home waiting for you...
}
} If you can cope with two s.y.w., here's a simple way to make sure she
} comes home with you:  Walk up to her with a box of Draino crystals in
} your hand, tap her on the shoulder, and say, "Excuse me.  Do you know
} any chocolate-chip cookie recip--"
}
} I'M SORRY.  ET&T (ETHEREAL TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH) REQUIRES ANOTHER
} $2.10 FOR THE NEXT THREE MINUTES OF ADVICE.  PLEASE INSERT $2.10...
}
} Damn, I'm fresh out of change.  Call me again when you have some more
} money, will you?
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} The oracle incarnated as sfeldon@milton.u.washington.edu (steve
} feldon).
}
} Thanks.  I had fun with this one. :)


247-03    (23410 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who is well-versed in every aspect of lots of stuff:
>
> How can I make big bucks becoming an award-winning cartoonist?  Are
> there any themes or characters that are left untapped?  I've got
> the art, the humor, the rhythm, and the soul, but something is
> missing.
>
> Should I sell out with stuffed animals, T-shirts, anthologies, etc.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By all means, *DO* sell out.   That's how you make big bucks.  As to
} being award-winning, you can't get the Pulitzer if you don't sell out.
} Pick one or the other.
}
} The Oracle points out that it has not been captured in any cartoons.
} Consider The Oracle as an untapped theme, make Oracle dolls, lunch
} boxes, posters, and Christmas specials and you'll earn a mint.
}
} You owe The Oracle an autographed portrait of itself.


247-04    (10144 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Superselective Oracle,
>
> You never seem to be pleased with what I ask, so I thought I'd just ask
> you: is there any question you WOULD like to answer?
>
> A disgruntled member of the Usenet faithful

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those
} really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation.
} % load Oracle.sim
} % execute question
} >Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer?
}
} >Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those
} >really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation.
} >% load Oracle.sim
} >% execute question
} >>Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer?
}
} >>Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those
} >>really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation.
} >>% load Oracle.sim
} >>% execute question
} >>>Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer?
}
} >>>Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those
} >>>really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation.
} >>>% load Oracle.sim
} *** MESSAGE FROM operator@oracle.heaven.gov ****
} What the HELL is going on??  You're using 99% of the CPU.
}
} >>>% execute question
} >>>>Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer?
}
} >>>>Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those
} >>>>really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation.
} >>>>% load Oracle.sim
} *** MESSAGE FROM st-peter@pearly-gates.heaven.gov ****
} Hey!  I'm trying to get work done here: I've got 'em backed up from
} 1982. The whole damned system is tied up.
}
} >>>>% execute question
} >>>>>Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer?
}
} >>>>>Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those
} >>>>>really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation.
} >>>>>% load Oracle.sim
} *** MESSAGE FROM goedel@theory.math.uheaven.edu ****
} I warned you about this sort of thing.
}
} >>>>>% execute question
} >>>>>>Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer?
}
} >>>>>>Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those
} >>>>>>really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation.
} *** MESSAGE FROM st-michael@pearly-gates.heaven.edu ****
} You know where I left my trumpet?
}
} >>>>>>% load Oracle.sim
} PANIC AT 10:07 HST.  EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem.


247-05    (14122 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, wise in the ways of advertising,
>
> Why do they call it a *family-size* box of condoms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How strange! It seems perfectly obvious to me. I mean suppose your
} children have a party and you need to supply a water-balloon to each
} child. Then a regular size pack of condoms just wouldn't be big enough.
} Or when a kindergarten class is finger painting, and you don't want
} their hands to get messy, you pass out ten small condoms, or two giant
} one, to each kid, but in any case you use the family size packs.
}
} Still, I thought there might be people out there who use condoms for
} purposes other than these ones, which they were obviously manufactured
} for, so I asked around for you. A member of the tri-O(racle)
} fraternity tells me you need a family size pack for when you're doing
} it with a whole family at the same time.  I don't know, it seems like
} a wholesome sentiment: togetherness, quality time, the family that
} plays together stays together and all that. But he was smirking so
} very strangely.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of just what he meant by "it."


247-06    (02323 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light, what so gallantly
> hailed--I mean, what so valiantly streamed, at the last twilight's
> gleam... no, somehow, that doesn't seem right, either... what so
> valiantly we hailed by the twilight's last streaming?  Whose broad
> stripes and perilous--no, bright, stars, through the perilous fight,
> o'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?  Wait, didn't
> I already say that part?   I know the bombs part comes next, that part
> always made sense...
>
> Anyway, Oracle, do you see what I'm getting at?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As always, the Oracle sees what you're getting at.  Omniscience is like
} that.  This instance is remarkable, however, in that the Oracle not
} only knows what's bothering it you, it actually sympathizes!  For many
} years, the Oracle has felt that "The Star Spangled Banner" was a
} less-than-inspired choice for the National Anthem of the most
} powerful, wasteful, over-fed and testosterone-poisoned nation on Earth.
}  As a great sage once put it, Words no one can remember to a tune no
} one can sing.  And, through intimate association with the opening
} seconds of major sporting events, it has been reduced in symbolic
} stature to the level of "Have a nice day!" When you put TSSB up against
} "O Canada" or "God Save the Queen" or "La Marseillaise", it's not
} surprising that your average American has an inferiority complex the
} size of Ohio.
}
} The Oracle has the solution: The New American National Anthem!  Easy to
} Remember!  Easy to Sing!  One short simple chorus, with no confusing
} verses that might require a knowledge of US history to understand!
} Comes in Many Popular Colors!  Low in Calories!!  Learn it now 'n'
} teach it to your friends!!  Stand up and sing it proudly whenever you
} see the Flag, the President, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court,
} the New York Yankees, the Pittsburgh Penguins, the Vice President
} (well, maybe not the Vice President).
}
}                    The New American National Anthem
}                                   or
}                                U S of A
}                      (to the tune of Louie, Louie)
}
}                                U S of A!
}                                Oh, baby
}                             I love you so!
}                      Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!
}                         (repeat several times)
}
}                               Play Ball!
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Rosanne Barr.


247-07    (10270 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
>
> You know how when you're trying to find your keys, or an overdue
> library book or something, you can never find it, but months later it
> shows up in a place you KNOW you searched for it? Who does that, and
> where do they go in the meantime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you have fallen victim to a common misconception.  Many people will
} attribute such random disappearances to an assortment of mischievous
} influences: leprauchans, Borrowers, demons, children, or other
} mythological creatures.  Expensive psychologists will try to convince
} you that your keys and your overdue library books really were there ALL
} THE TIME, but that you subconsciously decided to overlook them because
} you were abused by your father when you were a very small child, or
} because your older sister dressed you in her clothes until you were
} seven years old, or because you have a deep-seated need to write very
} large checks to psychologists.
}
} In fact, as for so many of the mysteries of everyday life, Physics
} provides a straighforward explanation of this seemingly
} incomprehensible experience. What you have witnessed is simply a
} commonplace manifestation of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle,
} which states, in its simplest form that... ummm...  just a minute, I
} gotta find the book...  Damn!  I had it here just a second ago -
} Whatever.  It states, to put it in layman's terms, that there is a
} small, but finite probabilty that any particular thing will be found
} pretty much anywhere.  Here, let me sketch out a diagram to help you
} understand.  Let me just get a pen...  Now where did I put that pen? Oh
} well, never mind.  This principle applies across the board to
} electrons, pions, eyeglasses, even to the letters of the words in this
} answ r!!
}
}                     e
}
} You owe the Oracle the exact mass and momentum of your favorite
} particle.


247-08    (32410 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>              supplies according to plan. Operation Crusader should
>                commence on schedule at 0400 15 January.
>
>     4.5  Disinformation. This is discussed more fully in attached memo
>          D614/4528-8203 (a,b,e). Summarizing here, the press has
>          completely bought the line we won't be ready till March or
>          later. I can't wait to grease those camel jockeys.
>
>                                             Maj. F. J. Peacock
>
> P.S. Hey, Larry, could you do something about that dingbat secretary of
> yours. I don't mind people playing around a little, but you're supposed
> to have a secure node, and if she's not careful, the shit could hit the
> fan.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Re: Operation Crusader
}
} Glad to hear things are going well on your end, please keep me advised.
} I continue to believe that Desert Shield and the liberation effort will
} be won or lost not at the FEBA, but in the skies over the Atlantic.
}
} While I have the highest respect and admiration for your boys on the
} line, I also have the highest confidence in your ability to dislodge
} the Iraqis if properly supplied.  The key to winning, in this war, is
} our 'aluminum bridge', and the logistical force that manages and
} maintains it.  Us guys in Supply are pulling as hard as we can for you.
}
} As for Lisa, I think of her as one of the "bennies" of being on this
} side of the effort.  I may never get a CIB (or any other medal) but a
} lot of guys around here deserve Purple Hearts for running into walls
} and tripping over chairs trying to keep an eye on her!
}
} Seriously, I'll have a talk with her, but I'd be real suprised if
} anything important were to get loose.
}
}                               Good luck on the 15th,
}
}                               J. Lawrence Hooker, Major, USA


247-09    (14221 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise oracle, what is the secret of the New Kids' success?  Surely
> this defies all known intelligences, as it must be supernatural in
> origin.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean that you think that supernatural intelligences are unknown?
} Feh. Some of the Oracle's best friends are supernatural intelligences.
} No, the Oracle doesn't actually have direct conversations with God
} (that's just a shtick that some of Its incarnations do in attempts at a
} cheap laugh), but the Oracle was having ale with St. Michael the
} Archangel just last week, and It asked Mike about tNKotB (the New Kids
} on the Block).  Here are some bits of the conversation:
}
} Oracle (quaffing a fresh ale): So, Mike, what's with the New Kids on
}   the Block?  How come they're so successful?
}
} St. Michael the Archangel: Hey, you're the most nearly omniscient of
}   created beings, apart from a few saints I could mention, certainly
}   the best outside Heaven.  You should know that already.
}
} O.: But you know I don't actually know anything without willing to, and
}   I have trouble with that when I've had a few of these.  You guys sure
}   brew your ale strong [we were at the Dante Pub in Purgatory, drinking
}   the local brew].
}
} M.: Okay, old chum.  Yo, waitress, another brewski!
}
} Waitress: Right away, archangel Sir!
}
} O.: Say, isn't that [a late prominent feminist]?
}
} M.: Yep.  She's young and pretty again, and she's gonna work in this
}   pub until she gets all that arrogant-pride crap kicked out of her.
}   Anyway, the New Kids were dreamed up by the Infernal Propaganda
}   Service.  Backing them all the way.  You get a buncha kids who don't
}   believe in much of anything, and good taste flies right out the
}   window.
}
} O.: You mean that the New Kids promote Satanism?
}
} M.: Look, smart guys like you should know that all the obvious Satanist
}   crap is damn well near useless.  Hell is trying a more subtle
}   approach. Of course they're not obviously Satanist.  They're simply
}   promoting all kinds of wimpiness.  Hell knows that there's a certain
}   amount of rebel in both saints and sinners, saints rebelling from the
}   chains of sin, sinners rebelling from God, the poor twits.  They're
}   hoping that by promoting mindless conformity, they'll scoop up a
}   bunch of low-grade sinners who go to Hell by default.
}
} O.: So what are you guys doing about it?
}
} M.: Hey, how many people with mental ages over 12 _like_ the New Kids?
}
} O.: Hardly any?
}
} M.: That's _our_ contribution.  They're so insipid, you see.  Hey,
}   waitress, where's that beer?
}
} W.: [rushing over] Here you are, Sir.
}
} M.: Thanks.  So you see, the situation is well in hand.


247-10    (33301 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Goodbye.  Will I give in and ask you a question ever again, or am I
> really going to have the strength to quit the Oracle forever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, wait, please... you know the Oracle cares deeply, really He does.
} But you know as well as I do that marriage is out of the question. I
} mean, first off, you have your own religion, and I AM a religion. We
} couldn't work it out unless you were to be deified, and you won't even
} be eligible for another aleph-two lives.  That's a BIG piece of
} eternity, if you know what I mean.
}
} Then again, I don't think you're really being sensitive to MY needs,
} either. Once in a while, I'd like to just sit back with a Bartles and
} James and watch the Simpsons, while YOU did the omniscience. And you
} always leave the soap in the sink, and GUESS WHO has to clean up
} afterward. And everytime I iconify a window, YOU open it again! Why
} don't we just throw the cycles away, really!!!
}
} And we've discussed children, too. How would we bring them up? You
} know how kids like to tease anyone who's the least bit different.
} Besides, the biological clock is ticking for you, and I'd like to wait
} a couple of aeons, maybe take the transfer to Valhalla. It's a
} teriffic career move. They'd give me my own thunderbolts - that's a
} dang sight higher voltage than these stupid little Ethernet ports!
} Besides, I span the cosmos and all of space-time - I'd HATE living in
} your mom's house in Baltimore!
}
} We can talk around it until I'm blue in the diodes, but that doesn't
} change the fact that we're not meant to be. I'll come by next Sunday
} and pick up the CD player and the Y-MP. You can keep the asteroid, if
} you want. I hope we can still be friends after all this.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Pnakotic Manuscripts, and yes, you
} did too borrow them, for the Easter chorus recital!


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