} As the Oracle, I took it upon myself to examine your bank account and
} various assets, including those liquid, solid, physical, intellectual,
} emotional, spiritual, and otherwise. Well, I hate to tell you, but
} the going rate for top-notch freedom is quite beyond your means in
} most of these catagories (keep away from the Pepsi and Cheetos during
} those late nights of downloading from alt.sex.pictures and your
} physical assets would improve tremendously).
} However, you look like the sincere sort, and I had a great time last
} night with Lisa and some power kitchen utensils, so I'm in the mood to
} cut a little deal with you.
} Now, as I mentioned, the first quality freedom is a bit out of your
} reach, but I have some hardly used freedoms that would give you a bit
} of a karma debt, but I think you could afford to pay it off in only a
} few short lifetimes. Let me list a few for you:
} Here's a classic. 1950's freedom, the American model. Yeah, some of
} those features may seem unnecessary and even a bit gaudy, but as long
} as you are not a communist sympathizer or female or a minority this
} will probably be adequate for your means. True, this model was made
} when people thought bigger was better and that freedom would never run
} out, but there's there's still a chance that it could be converted to
} new alternative or synthetic freedoms. It's in great shape, and was
} only used by an elderly gentleman who used it to vote for Eisenhower.
} You can have it for the small price of your right to question
} Now, if you're a more care-free type you could try this 1960's model.
} There's lots of freedom there as long as you are not of draftable age.
} The free-love conditioning may seem a bit dated and the protest-
} injection engine may be a bit loud, but if you don't mind the paisly
} upholstery I hear that it's great for long trips. And, of course, the
} stereo plays some great tunes. It's a steal for the price: an
} occasional detachment from you higher brain functions and the death of
} a couple of your idols.
} I see you noticed that sporty 1990 Euro model. Nice choice. Its an
} up-and-coming company that has great potential to take over the market
} if they can only organize their various branches. It's yours for the
} cost of your sense of history. But I would warn you aginst the Soviet
} model. It looks great, but no one can find the right fuel to run it,
} and you will find that all the small republics in your neighborhood
} will strip it to pieces even though those parts will never fit on
} their own models.
} No, I would also advise you against that Chinese freedom. They
} discontinued that model last year.
} Heyyyyy, here's one that you might harmonize with. The New Age model.
} It's loaded with perks. You get your eternal life so you never have
} to stop for gas or reality, it comes with a 40 channeler radio that
} can reach as far as eight parallel universes away, an opaque magic
} crystal windshield so you never have to look beyond your local belief
} system, and a full in-dash astrological chart so you can see exactly
} where you are going even though you really never get there. All you
} have to give up for this baby is your common sense and any logical,
} scientific, rational skepticism. Most people never use that stuff
} anyway, so you would probably never miss it.
} Well, I understand that it's a tough decision but freedom is going
} fast and if you don't buy now, there may be none left when you finally
} change your mind. Sure, maybe somday you will earn enough to buy a
} really top-of-the-line freedom, but don't bet on it. Even those who
} can afford it balk at the cost: self-responsibility. The payments
} never end, but the weird thing is, those who try it never seem to mind
} paying each second of their lives.
} Thanks for coming by the Uncle Oracle's Freedom and Burger Store. You
} owe the Oracle and all your friends a ride in your freedom when you
} get it, and a chance to play with your fuzzy dice.