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30 Aug 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:20:58 GMT

Internet Oracularities #248

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248, 248-01, 248-02, 248-03, 248-04, 248-05, 248-06, 248-07, 248-08, 248-09, 248-10


Usenet Oracularities #248    (19 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 8 Jan 91 09:44:52 -0500

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248   19 votes 26650 22663 14833 00595 15a21 05365 13834 33364 03871 33652
248   3.3 mean  2.7   3.3   3.2   4.0   2.8   3.6   3.3   3.3   3.3   3.0


248-01    (26650 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh really spiffy oracle,
>
> Will I lose my hair?  I mean ZI really like it.  But my fater is going
> bald.  So what will happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your fater is losing his hair.  He is also losing his letters.  You must
} be well aware of the problems of heredity in these matters, the general
} rule is that half of you comes from your father, the other from your
} mother.
}
} Hair loss, and no doubt letters-loss is directly attributable to having
} children.
}
} The 'Z' you have aquired is the ASCII representation of the logical or
} of the 'h' lost by your fater, and the 'o' from your mther, all mod the
} CRC of your genetic code.
}
} The answer is that you will grdually gain hair, letters, and no doubt
} other bodily and mental attributes, until you have children of your own,
} at which point you will lose them to your kids.
}
} You owe the oracle your firstborn child.  The oracle collects letters,
} you see.


248-02    (22663 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and gracious Oracle, whose naval lint I am unworthy to pick,
> lick or flick, please recommend a New Year's resolution that I will
> actually be able to keep for longer than a day and a half.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Useful stuff, that Naval lint.  It's an analog of the Unix "lint"
} program for Ada, written by a team of Navy programmers supervised by
} Rear Adm. Grace Murray Hopper (ret.).
}
} There are huge numbers of New Year's resolutions that you will have no
} trouble whatever in keeping.  None.  The problem is that they all
} involve things that you would be very unlikely to do anyhow.  Very
} unlikely.  For instance, you could resolve not to:
}       drink a cupful of burning industrial solvents
}       castrate yourself at home and then go limping to the emergency
} room of your local hospital to have them check on how good a job you did
}       dress up as the young Julie Andrews and go around offering people
} sex in an Alpine meadow
}       bite off your lover's genitals
}       eat turnips
}       eat Dairy Queen hamburgers
}       chew on paintings done by North Italian masters of the late
} Renaissance
}       transplant gallbladders
}       be an armadillo
} You see how many things you can resolve not to do?  Easy!  The point is
} that any resolution that would do you good you're certain to break
} within a couple of days.
}
} You owe the Oracle the strength to keep the following resolutions:
}       no more writing to/from the Oracle
}       no more netnews
}       no more ads in alt.personals
}       no more jerking off
}       diligent work on the thesis work
}       no more getting drunk
}       no more bowling (too expensive and dangerous)


248-03    (14833 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ye marvelous Oracle, oh creation not for the fainthearted.  Oh
> pusillanimous pussycat, oh dogmatic dog, egregious egret, please
> enlighten this humble, yet filled with noble virtue, seeker of truth
> justice and the American Way (e.g. another lay) as to wit, to wisdom of
> this.
>
> Which goes better with my black leather skirt; seamed black hose and
> garter belt, or white patterned stocking.  And what do you think,
> panties, or no panties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, got a big date, eh?  Well, the answer really depends on the
} individual guy's level of madonna-whore neuroticism, so I can't
} answer definitively.
}
} Take it from the Oracle, it's not true that men only want one
} thing in a woman.  Most of them want two things:  They want a
} woman who'll take over their vacant "mommy" position, and cook
} and clean and care for them and generally be pure and caring
} and naive and submissive; and they also want sex.  Lots of sex.
} Sex, sex, and more sex.
}
} (There are, it should be noted, a few men who only want one
} thing.  Avoid these guys if possible.  Also, avoid the guys
} who want three or more things; they're *serious* bad news.)
}
} Back to the topic at hand:  Since a lot of men, for some
} thoroughly incoherent reason of their own, don't understand
} that mothers, by definition, have sex, they feel that there's
} something basically incompatible between their two drives.
} They come to this subconscious conclusion:  "No woman who can
} satisfy my desire for a mother-figure can also satisfy my desire
} for sex."  And so, when they meet women who seem to satisfy one
} desire or the other, they reject them out of hand.  What they're
} really searching for, as they wander the world in their neurotic
} haze, is women who are as completely confused as they are.
}
} So if you want to attract your average American man, you've got
} to *look* as if you're a full-blown gonzo loon.  You've got to
} send mixed messages.  So, to answer your question (finally!):
} I'd say, wear the white patterened stockings; the lacy look will
} remind him of weddings and doilies and kitchen window curtains,
} and he'll subconsciously associate you with the homey, motherly
} qualities he desires, while the black leather skirt reminds him
} of sex, which'll get his hindbrain on your side.  This is,
} effectively, an end-run around his psychic blocks; the Oracle can
} attest to the fact that it's usually quite successful.
}
} For more information on this important topic, you may wish to
} refer to Alan Strybing's doctoral disseration in Psychology,
} "Infantile Social Fetishism: An Analysis of the Psychosexual
} Symbology of Fashion in Clothing and Cosmetics, with respect
} to their Preconscious Interpretation by American Males," which
} was subsequently republished in _Cosmopolitan_ under the title
} "Hot Looks for Cold Weather."
}
} Oh, and definitely wear the panties; you're getting your
} period tonight.


248-04    (00595 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard aphids are born pregnant.  Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes indeed.  This is one of the many wonderous but little publicized
} facts about the Animal Kingdom.  Some others are:
}
} 1) Carpenter ants are born constipated, DESPITE the fact that they have
} the highest percentage of dietary fiber in their diets ever recorded
} (tied for first place with termites, who, however, have no such
} digestive irregularities.)
}
} 2) Hyenas are the only known animal with an internal supply of nitrous
} oxide.  Central African efforts to tap this natural resource to improve
} dentistry have been a disappointment, although they have had the side
} benefit that the treatment of amputated limbs is now much better
} understood.
}
} 3) Humpback whales are born with a fluent command of English, French,
} Spanish, German, Russian, and seventeen other human languages(fnord).
} The fluty sing-song language they use when in the presence of humans is
} due to a misunderstanding caused by the fact that the whales' first
} human contact was with a Swiss Yodeler.
}
} 4) North American salmon have only recently begun swimming up mountain
} streams to spawn.  They were, in fact, perfectly happy to do their
} spawning in the sea before a blitz advertising campaign by Coors Beer on
} network TV convinced them that no young, vibrant fish would be caught
} dead in anything but Rocky Mountain spring water.
}
} Other such interesting facts can be found in Imaginitive Pseudoscience
} Magazine, but you owe the Oracle a year's subscription to Omni instead:
} it's a little more entertaining and less rigorous than IPM.


248-05    (15a21 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did I buy these Dr. Pepper's and have not yet drunk them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As Freud showed, every human being has, to one degree or another, a
} death wish.  In most of you, this wish is kept well controlled, but in
} some maladjusted individuals, it gains a degree of primacy, leading to
} starting wars, unexplained suicides, the Bush administration, and
} similar self-destructive behavior patterns.  Most often, the death wish
} is an unconscious one, and is expressed subtly, in risky (or seemingly
} risky) behavior like BASE jumping, free-climbing, unsafe sex,
} uncontrolled drug abuse, or even riding city busses.  Sometimes the
} death wish is sublimated into a search for activities that *seem* like
} death, such as watching network television.
}
} In your case, the death wish expressed itself as a desire to damage your
} body by drinking carbonated water adulterated with sugar, artificial
} colorings, artificial flavorings, and other chemicals of dubious
} character, which not coincidentally give a flavor very reminiscent of
} the crypt.  There was, however, conflict between this death wish and the
} natural desire of all organisms to survive and reproduce (reproduction
} is rare among heavy Peppers).  You resolved this internal conflict by
} purchasing, but not consuming, the deadly concoction.  This is similar
} to the urge some people feel to collect weapons or instruments of
} torture.
}
} Your adjustment to this situation is normal and natural, and can even be
} used to your advantage, both in the direct, if somewhat morbid, pleasure
} of possessing the beverage and in the self-motivation that can be
} achieved by conscious harnessing of the death wish toward positive
} purposes.  You need only exercise caution to assure that you are not
} becoming death-obsessed.  Such an obsession might lead you to take some
} excessive risk, such as actually drinking Dr.  Pepper.  Should this come
} to seem a realistic possibility, you should seek professional
} counseling.
}
} You owe the Oracle gratification of its Oedipus complex.


248-06    (05365 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If not lives, what of freedom?  I would trade much for freedom.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the Oracle, I took it upon myself to examine your bank account and
} various assets, including those liquid, solid, physical, intellectual,
} emotional, spiritual, and otherwise.  Well, I hate to tell you, but
} the going rate for top-notch freedom is quite beyond your means in
} most of these catagories (keep away from the Pepsi and Cheetos during
} those late nights of downloading from alt.sex.pictures and your
} physical assets would improve tremendously).
}
} However, you look like the sincere sort, and I had a great time last
} night with Lisa and some power kitchen utensils, so I'm in the mood to
} cut a little deal with you.
}
} Now, as I mentioned, the first quality freedom is a bit out of your
} reach, but I have some hardly used freedoms that would give you a bit
} of a karma debt, but I think you could afford to pay it off in only a
} few short lifetimes.  Let me list a few for you:
}
} Here's a classic.  1950's freedom, the American model.  Yeah, some of
} those features may seem unnecessary and even a bit gaudy, but as long
} as you are not a communist sympathizer or female or a minority this
} will probably be adequate for your means.  True, this model was made
} when people thought bigger was better and that freedom would never run
} out, but there's there's still a chance that it could be converted to
} new alternative or synthetic freedoms.  It's in great shape, and was
} only used by an elderly gentleman who used it to vote for Eisenhower.
} You can have it for the small price of your right to question
} authority.
}
} Now, if you're a more care-free type you could try this 1960's model.
} There's lots of freedom there as long as you are not of draftable age.
} The free-love conditioning may seem a bit dated and the protest-
} injection engine may be a bit loud, but if you don't mind the paisly
} upholstery I hear that it's great for long trips.  And, of course, the
} stereo plays some great tunes.  It's a steal for the price:  an
} occasional detachment from you higher brain functions and the death of
} a couple of your idols.
}
} I see you noticed that sporty 1990 Euro model.  Nice choice.  Its an
} up-and-coming company that has great potential to take over the market
} if they can only organize their various branches.  It's yours for the
} cost of your sense of history.  But I would warn you aginst the Soviet
} model.  It looks great, but no one can find the right fuel to run it,
} and you will find that all the small republics in your neighborhood
} will strip it to pieces even though those parts will never fit on
} their own models.
}
} No, I would also advise you against that Chinese freedom.  They
} discontinued that model last year.
}
} Heyyyyy, here's one that you might harmonize with.  The New Age model.
} It's loaded with perks.  You get your eternal life so you never have
} to stop for gas or reality, it comes with a 40 channeler radio that
} can reach as far as eight parallel universes away, an opaque magic
} crystal windshield so you never have to look beyond your local belief
} system, and a full in-dash astrological chart so you can see exactly
} where you are going even though you really never get there.  All you
} have to give up for this baby is your common sense and any logical,
} scientific, rational skepticism.  Most people never use that stuff
} anyway, so you would probably never miss it.
}
} Well, I understand that it's a tough decision but freedom is going
} fast and if you don't buy now, there may be none left when you finally
} change your mind.  Sure, maybe somday you will earn enough to buy a
} really top-of-the-line freedom, but don't bet on it.  Even those who
} can afford it balk at the cost: self-responsibility.  The payments
} never end, but the weird thing is, those who try it never seem to mind
} paying each second of their lives.
}
} Thanks for coming by the Uncle Oracle's Freedom and Burger Store.  You
} owe the Oracle and all your friends a ride in your freedom when you
} get it, and a chance to play with your fuzzy dice.


248-07    (13834 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does the energy that maintains gravity come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, matter contains billyuns of billyuns of billyuns of itty bitty
} little squirrels in cages, running around on itty bitty wheels and
} turning wee generators that supply the weak force that causes
} gravitation.  If these squirrels were to stop, the matter everywhere
} would drift randomly apart.  So be nice to squirrels and feed them lots
} and lots of nice goodies or their miniminiminiscule cousins in matter
} will get really angry and go on strike.
}
} <How'd I do, Acorngrubber?>
} <Not bad at all, Treerat.  Thousands of college geeks will rush out and
} feed us squirrels loads and loads of yummy junk food now!  I think
} you've done it!>


248-08    (33364 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't Christians realize their religion is inherently silly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hum, a tough one here. Let me get hold of the Big Guy.
}
} PHONE HEAVEN::GOD
}
}   HEAVEN::GOD> Hello. I see that you are using the VAX/VMS system today.
}
}   ORACLE::SYSTEM> Yeap. You know what they say about "the wages of sin"
}        and what Lisa and I did last weekend.
}
}   HEAVEN::GOD> Heh. Heh.
}
}   ORACLE::SYSTEM> Anyway, I've got some dweeb down here who wants to
}        know why Christians don't realize that their religion is silly.
}
}   HEAVEN::GOD> Silly? Silly! You want to talk about silly! Let me tell
}        you about those silly Hindus who worship phallic symbols, have
}        elephant-headed gods, and have to step in cow shit all day.
}
}   SAT::SHIVA> Cow shit! I've had it up to *here* with this "one God"
}        bull shit and ...
}
}   MECCA::ALLAH> But there is only one God and he is I.
}
}   NIRVANA::BUDDA> What camel shit! Everyone is a God and this is ...
}
}   MECCA::ALLAH> Dog shit!
}
}   SAT::SHIVA> Pig shit!
}
}   HEAVEN::GOD> Elephant shit!
}
}   MECCA::ALLAH> Donkey shit!
}
}   NIRVANA::BUDDA> Cat shit!
}
}   HEAVEN::GOD> Horse shit!
}
} %exit
}
}
} Well, now you know.  Religious followers don't realize their religions
} are silly because their Supreme Beings don't realize they are full of
} shit.
}
}
} Reply received on ORACLE from user SAT::SHIVA
} YOU ARE NOW BANISHED TO WORKING ON RSX-11 SYSTEMS
}
} Reply received on ORACLE from user MECCA::ALLAH
} YOU ARE NOW BANISHED TO WORKING ON A IBM PC
}
} Reply received on ORACLE from user NIRVANA::BUDDA
} YOU ARE NOW BANISHED TO WORKING ON TRS-80s
}
} Reply received on ORACLE from user HEAVEN::GOD
} NO! HE IS BANISHED TO A VIC-20 HOOKED TO AN OLD BLACK & WHITE TV.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a real computer and operating system to work on.


248-09    (03871 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered yur question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it thata junk food that is less bad for you (like unsalted
> pretzels) always tastes worse than a junk food that is worse for you
> (BBQ potato chips, say)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The phenomenon you report is a straightforward instance of Grandmother's
} Second Law, The Law of Conservation of Gratification:  If it tastes
} good, it must be bad for you.  (See below for a full statement of
} Grandmother's Three Laws.) In more formal terms, this law requires that
} for every benefit, there is an equal and opposite cost.  The most
} commonplace evidences of this law in action are found, of course, at a
} dinner table at which small children are eating.  Suppose that K
} grandchildren, g[0], g[1],..., g[K-1], are seated around an ornate
} dining-room table in an oak-panelled room decorated with faded
} photographs.  On the table, suppose that there are M dishes from which
} each grandchild may take a portion of his meal 0 <= P(i,j) < 1, 0 <= i <
} K and 0 <= j < M, such that for each i the sum over all j of the P(i,j)
} = 1.  With each dish, associate a benefit function B(j).  Then,
} Grandmother's Second Law implies that for all g[i]:
}
}      M                     Researchers at the Harvard University School
}    ----                    of Home Economics, working jointly with
}    >   P(i,j) * B(j) = 0   members of the faculties of Philosophy and
}    ----                    Divinities, have been investigating
}   j = 0                    extensions to Grandmother's Laws.  There
}                            is preliminary evidence that these laws can
} be generalized to populations large than one.  These researchers hope to
} prove that, in the experiment described above, benefit is conserved
} among all children present.
}
}      K          M                       G(i) is the little-understood
}    ----       ----                    "goodness" function, the values of
}    >     G(i) >    P(i,j) * B(j) = 0  which seemed to depend heavily on
}    ----       ----                    the grandchild i, the grandmother,
}   i = 0      j = 0                    and several other variables.  This
}                                       result, they hope, may lead them
}                                       to a strong analogy between
} Grandmother's Laws and the better-known Laws of Thermodynamics.  If so,
} the fundamental principles underlying Grandmother's Laws may provide a
} clean, virtually limitless supply of energy for the technologies of the
} 21st century.
} ------------------
} Grandmother's First Law, The Law of Ocular Displacement:  Put that down,
} or you'll put an eye out!
}
} Grandmother's Second Law, The Law of Conservation of Gratification:  If
} it tastes good, it must be bad for you.
}
} Grandmother's Third Law, The Law of Genetic Entropy:  Children these
} days have no values.  When I was your age...
}
} ========================================================================
} Oracle incarnation Josh Mittleman (joshua@paul.rutgers.edu)


248-10    (33652 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                               I'm noticing a dangerous preponderance of
> Chia PetsTM around my campus lately.  Someone on my floor received a
> Chia PetTM for Christmas, and two people downstairs also received Chia
> PetsTM.  One of them even REQUESTED a Chia PetTM.  And the funny thing
> is, last year at this same time, I too received a Chia PetTM for
> Christmas.  I threw it off my fire escape because it wouldn't grow.  Why
> won't it go away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold on and let me delve into my almanac...
}
} >%almanac "Chia Pets" "mass migrations of"
} >Loading data...complete.
} >There were mass migrations of Chia Pets reported throughout the
} >1980's.  These obnoxious but cute creatures nicknamed Chia Pests have
} >been found to be inclined to propogate in extremely large quantities
} >in the month of December.  Due to this, they can be found not only in
} >any store in the WORLD, but also out on the streets.  Because of this,
} >they make extremely inexpensive Christmas presents (a holiday which
} >happens to fall in the month of December).  At any give location, the
} >chance of a Chia population explosion is emminent.  If this happens
} >in a location near you (you can spot this by how many are given a
} >Christmas presents), DO NOT PANIC.  This phenomenon is only temporary.
} >The large amounts of Chias found at ground zero of this population
} >explosion will cause a housing shortage, and many Chias will find
} >themselves on the streets.  Many Chias will then move to new grounds.
} >If the Chia population density (CDP) gets to high (demonstrated by you
} >not being able to walk down the street without stepping on one) and
} >stays there for more than a reasonable limit of time (the Chia time
} >plateau (CTP)generally is specified to be 2 days), it will be
} >necessary to call the Chia task force (CTF) to the Chia population
} >center (CPC).  The CTF will rush ASAP to the CPC to lower the CPD for
} >a period longer than the CTP.  Once this is accomplished, the Chia
} >ecology (CE) will return to a safe level (the Chia safety plateau
} >(CSP)).  If the CTF is erradicated in the process of lowering the CPD,
} >and the CPD does not get below the CSP before another iteration of the
} >CTP, it is time for a Chia caused evacuation (CCE).  If this drastic
} >measure is called for, everyone must strip completely nude and not
} >carry any luggage upon exiting the city (Chias can hide in the
} >damndest places).  Then 50 ICBMs must be targeted towards the city and
} >launched.  This should eradicate the problem.  But Chias have
} >survived millions of years (even older that cocroaches) and are even
} >sturdier than the cocroaches.  We can only hope that they are not yet
} >resistant to nuclear power.
}
} So as you can see, there is nothing to worry about.
}
} Probably.


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