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19 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 23:50:30 GMT

Internet Oracularities #25

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25, 25-01, 25-02, 25-03, 25-04, 25-05, 25-06, 25-07, 25-08, 25-09, 25-10


Usenet Oracularities #25
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 21 Oct 89 17:34:37 GMT

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To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


25-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish I had a scroll.  How could I get one, Senator?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually scrolls are to be found in scroll shops or general magic supply
} stores.  Occasionally you might release a friendly genie from captivity,
} whereupon in gratitude he will grant you a wish.  (Yes, I know, it used
} to be three, but you know how inflation is....)
}
}       --------------
}       |????????????|
}       |???????+????|
}       |??+??????!!?|
}       |......@.....|
}       -------+------
}              #####
}                  ##
}                   ####


25-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kind of a dogmatist thinks that if you play with trancendental
> meditation you're going straight to Peru?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is impressed!  A mortal has located one of the few
} philosophies in the universe that is not held by any of the 8 583 512
} 595 262 317 367 races in the universe.  In fact, the closest philosophy
} I could find in "The Big Book of Philosophies" which I just wrote
} ($24.95 at Waldenbooks) is a group of semi-sentient crystalline methane
} slugs on the planet Zug orbiting a blue-white supergiant on the other
} side of the galaxy.  Their dogma states that if you play with
} trancendental FUNCTIONS you're going straight to Peru (which in
} Slugspeak means "The Big Salt Shaker").  Like most dogmas, this one was
} implemented to keep the top slugs in power.
}
} If you're more depressed than elated about this, then why don't you go
} start your own religion based on that dogma?  It'll give you something
} to do that's fun, informative, and will get you the chicks (or hunks)!
} If you're successful, write to me, and I'll include your name in a
} footnote in the next edition.  Remember:  the Oracle cares.
}
} You owe the Oracle $24.95 (Go buy my book).  The Oracle has verbalized.


25-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are tomatoes called "tomatoes"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy you guys really make me ill.  Why this and why that...OOOOOOH, real
} important stuff, as if I don't have important things to worry about like
} when will the universe end?  Why is it dark at night?  What about this
} brain in vats thing?  Dammit, all you guys do is ask me questions.  I'm
} getting sick up to here with your damn questions.  What, are you stupid?
} Try to find an answer yourself, you might learn something in the
} process.
}
} Here, I'll throw you this one, just this once:
}
} My answer:
}         Because they're not called anemic potatoes.
}
}         What do you think I'd say, something stupid like 'because
} they're not called tomAHtoes.' Give me a break.  Tell me, does stupidity
} run in your family?
}
} We'll waive the fee for this one.  Don't ask inane questions again.  You
} might not catch me in this good a mood.


25-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> the roo.dnet.winnie node goes dead ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the roo.dnet.winnie node goes dead.  very dead.  sudden death syndrome.
} such a dead node!  very sad the parent, kanga.dnet.winnie.  very unahhpy
} node.  very sad day.  the pooh.dnet.winnie node sings the sad song.  the
} roo.dnet.winnie node is buried by the pooh.dnet.winnie node and the
} piglet.dnet.winnie node, with the eeyore.dnet.winnie node saying the
} mournful things.  very sad day.
}
} next day they go out for to catch the hefallump.  the hefallump catches
} them instead.  they all die.  very sad the ending for the children book.
}
} you are owe the oracle for to stop writing the existentiallist version
} of the winnie.dnet.pooh.


25-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the word "why" sound that way?  Why did we choose the word that
> sounds like "wi" and is spelled "why" the word we use when we want to
> know the reason for something?  Why is that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} inglish aurthografee iz offen weerd.


25-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why doesn't my program work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have an error in line 71.  You wrote "x[i] := 4", but you should
} have written
}
} CYCLE GNORP ARBNO( "AA" | INPUT) . FOO = INPUT : S(CYCLE) F(RETURN)
}
} As you can clearly see, the rest of the program is in Snobol not Pascal.


25-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it so quiet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is actually quite noisy.  However, the noise is all synchronized, so
} that it damps itself out.
}
} Don't move or you will be deafened.


25-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you want a beard for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not for man to want or not want a beard.  It is man's nature to
} have a beard.  The question that you must ask is:
}
} What do you want to shave a beard for.
}
} There are answers to this question.
}
} Some men think that they are more attractive to women if they have a
} face like a women.  Unfortunately, some women think so too.
}
} Ancient greeks shaved their beard before combat to avoid giving the
} enemy an additional handhold.
}
} Occam found beards unsightly, and shaved them as a matter of principle.
}
} In modern times people have become more civilized, and have learned to
} appreciate beards for their original purpose:  To hide man's ugly adams
} apple...


25-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> George Bush was on television last night, accusing various major
> Communist leaders of a variety of crimes.  Some of them were pretty
> plausible, but he accused Fidel Castro of being involved in the
> crucifying of Christ.  What really happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The truth is stranger than the fiction propagated by the new Stain of
} the West, George Herbert Walk Bush, the man with four names and no soul.
}
} Although Castro was nearby the scene of the crucifixtion, and although
} he was indeed playing Pepper, CONTRARY TO THE RULES POSTED AT THE FIELD,
} historians now agree that this illicit practice did not actually con-
} tribute to Christ's death.
}
} Bush has obviously kept himself abrest of the most current research.


25-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do so many Americans regularly eat pieces of dead cow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which part of the question troubles you?
}
} Never mind, it is irrelevant.  I shall cover all aspects of your
} question.
}
} Americans:  This is quite easy.  Any ethnic group stupid enough not to
} be able to find THEIR OWN COUNTRY on a globe can be easily molded to do
} just about any strange ritual.  The Fastfuudites of Tau Cygnus (and
} their leaders, King McDonald of the Burghers and "Dairy" Queen Wendy)
} are most likely responsible for the mind-control aspect in question.
}
} regularily:  Dead cow is an addictive substance, not unlike nicotine and
} Lay's Potato Chips.  Once one has partaken of it, withdrawl symptoms
} cause the partaker to seek out "just one more" serving of the substance.
} These withdrawl symptoms come about fairly quickly, thus accounting for
} the frequency of the return visits.
}
} eat:  the flat, black portions normally served unfortunately make poor
} frisbees, and no other potential use for them has yet been theorized.
}
} pieces:  the bread makers of America refuse to make buns large enough to
} accommodate an entire cow, citing high overhead costs and low sales
} volume.
}
} dead:  America, never having been cannibalistic, has a distinct distaste
} for blood of any kind.  Draining the blood from the animal unfortunately
} kills it.
}
} cow:  The cow, being a rather docile animal and easy to catch (were all
} females that way!) proves an easy target for predators.  Although
} Americans do posess the technology to catch more elusive animals (a
} certain asphalt-treading avis comes to mind), they (the Americans) are
} in fact themselves rather lazy.  Thus they do not bother using their
} techonological advantages, and content themselves with holding onto the
} animals that are easily held.
}
} I hope I have covered your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a B.A.  in B.S.


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