} Yow! Ten questions?! What do you think I am, a discount clearinghouse on
} answers? Grumble grumble. Well I guess I'll have to subcontract your
} questions out.
} > 1. Will Rob and Fab be given a sitcom on Fox?
} The Amazing Frank Muldoon, TV reporter from the Golden Age replies:
} Rob Petrie (aka Dick Van Dyke) already has a wonderful sitcom, although
} what television has to do with The Twentieth Century Fox Studios, I
} don't know. Fab is a fabric softener, or bleach, or something, and
} couldn't possibly act. What's wrong with you friend? Get with the
} > 2. Does George Michael really have his butt waxed and buffed, as
} > Saturday Night Live would have us believe?
} Our spy in the Wall Street Journal, Mr. NFN NMI NLN, says:
} Yes, it's true. After the decline in his once monumental popularity, the
} rock singer fell on hard financial times and had to sign an endorsement
} contract with Turtle Wax, Inc. His fans will be pleased to learn that he
} doesn't enjoy it much, though. At least not until recently.
} > 3. In a jet on a stormy night should I get up and risk going to the
} > bathroom to get sick, or just use the provided bag?
} Our jetset travel etiquette reporter, Ms. Concord Grape Manners thinks:
} It is permissible to get sick in the bag if you are the only person in
} your row, and the bag is really one of those provided, not your
} neighbour's carry-on. On the other hand, if your row is clear, you have
} easy access to the aisle, unless you bump into stewardesses serving
} seafood a la king; and even if you do bump into one and have an accident
} it probably wouldn't be noticed with the quality of airline food. But
} really, must I continue trying to answer such a ghastly question? If
} you had any manners at all you'd just hold it in until you landed. The
} quality of social training these days is utterly deplorable!
} > 4. Why can't I get any dates? Is it because of the Iraq embargo?
} The spokeman for the Joint Cheifs of Staff bellows:
} What's with you lilly-livered whiners anyway? Our boys are out there
} trying to kick some subversive foreign butt, and all you can think of is
} the Iraqi monopoly on calenders? Count on your fingers and toes if you
} have to, dammit. Don't have a date? Eat a fig. FIG I say, not fag.
} The army won't have anything to do with that, you HEAR me boy? Now get
} out and let me requisition the napalm.
} > 5. Do curious green dreams really sleep furiously?
} Our resident Zen Master intones:
} The answer must be torn from the belly of the goose, but only the goose
} may explain it.
} (Sorry, he hasn't been the same since he didn't get a piece of the
} Thanksgiving Turkey -- obsessed with stuffing.)
} > 6. Are they going to really going to make a sequel to Sorority House
} > Massacre?
} Our hollywood reporter oozes:
} Babe, if it's worth a movie, it's worth a sequel. Not even a movie -- a
} video's worth a sequel. Heck, a preview is worth a sequel. Just make
} sequels and forget about the originals is what I say. Why take chances
} with an unknown?
} And oozes again:
} Hey baby, if you put out a movie, put out a sequel. Even a video or
} preview's worth a repeat. (Put in some special effects here, guys.)
} Stay tuned for exciting Part III of this answer, coming next summer.
} > 7. Why is it that it's impossible for me to see my testicles? Is it
} > because my penis is too big, my stomach is too round, or my mirror is
} > broken?
} Our staff psychologist soothes:
} Now, now. There's no use denying it -- it was your own choice, after
} all. We went through all this before the operation, and the sooner you
} accept the facts, the sooner you can get on with your new life as a
} > 8. Is Jamaican ganga really better than Mexican? Is it because of
} > the Alt key?
} We got this question to our Central American correspondent, but not
} before he'd dropped a couple of Mescaline tabs. He replies:
} Who's ganga? Why Alt? Am I talking to a purple cow, or are you the
} bean pole I ate with my bowl of Rice Crispies? Wow, man. I think I've
} really f***ed up my mind good this time.
} > 9. What ever happened to Light Bright?
} Our Toy Industry Analyst confidently states:
} The idea of poking things into a dark sheet to get bursts of color has
} been implemented more effectively on the computer, spelling the end of
} Light Bright. Not only will the computer allow you to reuse a screen,
} thus eliminating blank-sheet-hording psychosis, but you can do all your
} poking in the dark without fear of contracting some nasty disease.
} > 10. Does Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear really have a top ten
} > list of fears?
} Oh bugger it, I'm tired of answering you. You owe me a monster cup of
} coffee, pal. And two jelly donuts.