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Internet Oracularities #250

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Usenet Oracularities #250    (20 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 15 Jan 91 09:18:48 -0500

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250   20 votes 28334 06563 45542 16760 17822 17723 06860 04718 89111 64352
250   2.9 mean  3.0   3.3   2.8   2.9   2.9   3.0   3.0   3.6   1.9   2.6


250-01    (28334 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I had a hammer, I'd be a priest  |  Tallyn, Rogue Warrior
>   If I had a gun, I'd be a cowboy.  |  Sometimes DM, Sometimes not

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (I'm so excited, because Mr. Oracle is letting me use his computer for
} a while.  He even gave me 20 bucks, but he told me not to tell anyone
} that, but you won't spill the beans, will you?  Anyway, I'm not really
} omniscient or anything, but I know how Mr. Oracle answers most of his
} questions anyway because he lets me hang out here sometimes.  What's
} really funny is when he gives me 10 bucks to go to a movie, and then I
} pretend to go but then sneak around the back and through the kitchen
} and wait until Lisa shows up, usually in a tight skirt, and then they
} go into the bedroom and I watch through the keyhole.  Mr. Oracle sure
} laughs wierd.  I have to be careful, though, because sometimes they
} come into the kitchen, and I have to hide in the pantry.  But anyway,
} Mr. Oracle is always complaining about the stupid questions he has to
} answer, and then he just makes up something he thinks is funny.  He
} hardly ever looks in that big encyclopedia.  So I figure I can do as
} good a job as he does.)
}
} Hey, wait a minute, that's not a question!  Maybe Mr. Oracle is right;
} this is stupid.  "If I had a hammer, I'd be a priest"?  What the heck?
} I mean, if it were "If I had a hammer, I'd be a judge" or "If I had a
} hammer, I'd build a house" or "If I had an alter boy, I'd be a priest"
} it'd make sense.  Ha ha, get it?  If I HAD an alter boy?  Now the next
} one makes sense, but it's still not a question.  Besides, it could be
} "If I had a gun, I'd be a soldier" or "If I had a gun, I'd make a drug
} deal" or something.  "Rogue Warrior", do you mean Road Warrior?  What
} a great movie, huh?  I know what a DM is, it's Dowel Movement, right?
} Hah, that's great!  I love this!  Maybe Mr. Oracle will let me do this
} more often.  Oh shit, he's back!  What if he doesn't like the way I've
} answered this?  I'd better send it before he


250-02    (06563 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why has this very expensive toy suddenly become so boring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boring, eh ?  So you think you've explored all the hidden subtleties of
} that little white box on your desk ?  Wrong !  For the first time ever,
} the oracle presents...
}
} "The Top 10 Hidden Key Sequences You Never Knew About"
}
} 1) L1-U - Halt user. Note that you have to sit quite close to your
}           terminal for this one to work, as the explosives are not very
}           powerful on some earlier models.
}
} 2) L1-S - Halt site. A more powerful version of L1-U, only available on
}           top-of-the-range models.
}
} 3) L1-C - Halt California. Works only if your site has an internet link
}           registered with the San Andreas fault.
}
} 4) L1-K - Halt Kuwait. I tried this one a few months ago, but nothing
}           much seemed to happen.
}
} 5) L1-L - Halt Lithuania. Supposedly similar to L1-K, but I shouldn't
}           think this works either.
}
} 6) L1-B - Halt wing/engine bolt - You'll need to set up a link with a
}           Boeing to get this one to go. Alternatively, link up to a DC10
}           for a different effect every time !
}
} 7) L1-R - Halt rubber duck. Ever wanted to wipe out the entire world's
}           stock of little yellow rubber ducks ?
}
} 8) L1-T - Halt all local public transport. Apparently, quite a lot of
}           people already know about this sequence.
}
} 9) L1-X - Halt Santa. The oracle's favourite. Causes all Santa Clauses
}           within a 10 mile radius to spontaneously combust. Lots of fun
}           at Xmas time.
}
} 10) L1-O - Whatever you do, don't press th


250-03    (45542 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I feel drafts, hear bats, and smell wumpuses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in the throes of a mental disorder that has jumbled your sensory
} impressions.  You should be quaffing drafts, hitting things with bats
} (such as baseballs, cricket balls, people's heads), and waising wumpuses
} in your wumpus woom (and you also seem to have a transitory speech
} impediment that is showing up at times in your writing).
}
} See your psychiatrist.  Or your psy-chia-pet that when properly wetted,
} grows a lovely green coat of psy-chia for your psychotic psychic.
}
} And stop playing "Hunt the Wumpus." Nobody plays primitive computer
} games like that any more -- elsewhereville for you!  Unix Moria and
} Nethack -- that's the ticket.


250-04    (16760 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is really just a test of our mailer, so that you don't have to
> answer this question if you don't like...
>
> There's this girl I've known for a while.  We've never been much more
> than two people who simply are aware of each other and have some common
> friends.  Now she's started flirting with me and touching me, and I'm
> reciprocating.  She looks simply adorable:  tiny, elfin, delectably
> feminine.  She's witty and intelligent and I've become infatuated with
> her.  Is there a possibility of romance between her and me, or is this
> just another false alarm brought on by years of forced celibacy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that's certainly a very pretty, affectionate little cat that your
} neighbors have, and no doubt she'll continue to spend time at your place
} if you continue to feed her those tins of salmon.
}
} The possibility of romance is very good (though I should warn you that
} sex with a cat is not good unless you are a cat too, and the Oracle
} perceives that you aren't).  A sweet little kitty can give you a
} lifetime of love an devotion.  However, you should remember that she is
} already pledged to another:  the family next door.  Just by feeding her,
} you have already committed Pet Adultery, which is illegal in Wisconsin
} and South Carolina.
}
} My advice, therefore, is to stop before this goes too far.  There are
} many other fine, loving cats waiting for adoption at your local humane
} society shelter.  Get one today.  You won't regret it.


250-05    (17822 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Hi!  How are you?  I am fine.  What do you do for fun?  I work for a big
> corporation and they pay me to play with really expensive compters, and
> make a lot of data go all over on magic wires.  Do you have a hobby?  I
> like to hack (in a nice way).  Do you have magic wires too?  What kind
> of music do you like?  I like Kate Bush (she is pretty).  Do you like
> TV?  I like the Simpsons, Bart is soooo cool man!  Do you have a pet?  I
> have a cat which my daughters have named Oreo.  They live with their mom
> now.  I live with a co-worker who is going thru divorce too.  We are
> real poor saps.  We both like to hack.  We both like to stay over at our
> girlfriends places too!  (ha ha) We stay at our place when our kids come
> to visit.  Well, pen pal, I have to go back to work now.  Write soon!
> Your friend - Joey.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is always F-I-N-E fine.
}
} For fun, the Oracle answers lots of really stupid questions.
}
} The Oracle thinks Kate Bush is overrated and prefers to hear some
} classic Billie Holiday.
}
} The Oracle likes to hack also.  Just last week for instance, the Oracle
} created a planet where all the life forms were silicon based and used
} digital logic for all their thought processes.  One group of these life
} forms discovered that they could encode information and store it in
} carbon-based molecules.  Pretty soon lots of the life forms had gathered
} around a place they called "Carbon Valley" to produce novel carbon-based
} information-manipulation devices that used analog logic.  Then suddenly
} the life forms started wasting large amounts of effort in trying to
} make their new devices think digitally and emulate their creators.  The
} Oracle promptly destroyed the planet because the inhabitants were
} obviously total idiots.  Sigh... Oh well, not all hacks work the very
} first time, eh?
}
}       Your friend and commander of your fate,
}
}       The Oracle
}
}
} P.S.  You owe the Oracle another letter and a copy of Billie Holiday's
}       Greatest Hits on CD.


250-06    (17723 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ever since the Milli Vanilli scandal came to light, I have found solace
> in listening to old Wham records whilst curled into a fetal position.
>
> My questions are:
>
>  1.  Will Rob and Fab be given a sitcom on Fox?
>
>  2.  Does George Michael really have his butt waxed and buffed, as
> Saturday Night Live would have us believe?
>
>  3.  In a jet on a stormy night should I get up and risk going to the
> bathroom to get sick, or just use the provided bag?
>
>  4.  Why can't I get any dates?  Is it because of the Iraq embargo?
>
>  5.  Do curious green dreams really sleep furiously?
>
>  6.  Are they going to really going to make a sequel to Sorority House
> Massacre?
>
>  7.  Why is it that it's impossible for me to see my testicles?  Is it
> because my penis is too big, my stomach is too round, or my mirror is
> broken?
>
>  8.  Is Jamaican ganga really better than Mexican?  Is it because of the
> Alt key?
>
>  9.  What ever happened to Light Bright?
>
>  10.  Does Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear really have a top ten list
> of fears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yow! Ten questions?! What do you think I am, a discount clearinghouse on
} answers? Grumble grumble. Well I guess I'll have to subcontract your
} questions out.
}
} >  1.  Will Rob and Fab be given a sitcom on Fox?
}
} The Amazing Frank Muldoon, TV reporter from the Golden Age replies:
} Rob Petrie (aka Dick Van Dyke) already has a wonderful sitcom, although
} what television has to do with The Twentieth Century Fox Studios, I
} don't know.  Fab is a fabric softener, or bleach, or something, and
} couldn't possibly act.  What's wrong with you friend?  Get with the
} program!
}
} >  2.  Does George Michael really have his butt waxed and buffed, as
} > Saturday Night Live would have us believe?
}
} Our spy in the Wall Street Journal, Mr. NFN NMI NLN, says:
} Yes, it's true. After the decline in his once monumental popularity, the
} rock singer fell on hard financial times and had to sign an endorsement
} contract with Turtle Wax, Inc. His fans will be pleased to learn that he
} doesn't enjoy it much, though. At least not until recently.
}
} >  3.  In a jet on a stormy night should I get up and risk going to the
} > bathroom to get sick, or just use the provided bag?
}
} Our jetset travel etiquette reporter, Ms. Concord Grape Manners thinks:
} It is permissible to get sick in the bag if you are the only person in
} your row, and the bag is really one of those provided, not your
} neighbour's carry-on.  On the other hand, if your row is clear, you have
} easy access to the aisle, unless you bump into stewardesses serving
} seafood a la king; and even if you do bump into one and have an accident
} it probably wouldn't be noticed with the quality of airline food.  But
} really, must I continue trying to answer such a ghastly question?  If
} you had any manners at all you'd just hold it in until you landed.  The
} quality of social training these days is utterly deplorable!
}
} >  4.  Why can't I get any dates?  Is it because of the Iraq embargo?
}
} The spokeman for the Joint Cheifs of Staff bellows:
} What's with you lilly-livered whiners anyway?  Our boys are out there
} trying to kick some subversive foreign butt, and all you can think of is
} the Iraqi monopoly on calenders?  Count on your fingers and toes if you
} have to, dammit.  Don't have a date?  Eat a fig.  FIG I say, not fag.
} The army won't have anything to do with that, you HEAR me boy?  Now get
} out and let me requisition the napalm.
}
} >  5.  Do curious green dreams really sleep furiously?
}
} Our resident Zen Master intones:
} The answer must be torn from the belly of the goose, but only the goose
} may explain it.
} (Sorry, he hasn't been the same since he didn't get a piece of the
} Thanksgiving Turkey -- obsessed with stuffing.)
}
} >  6.  Are they going to really going to make a sequel to Sorority House
} > Massacre?
}
} Our hollywood reporter oozes:
} Babe, if it's worth a movie, it's worth a sequel. Not even a movie -- a
} video's worth a sequel.  Heck, a preview is worth a sequel.  Just make
} sequels and forget about the originals is what I say.  Why take chances
} with an unknown?
}
} And oozes again:
} Hey baby, if you put out a movie, put out a sequel.  Even a video or
} preview's worth a repeat.  (Put in some special effects here, guys.)
} Stay tuned for exciting Part III of this answer, coming next summer.
}
} >  7.  Why is it that it's impossible for me to see my testicles?  Is it
} > because my penis is too big, my stomach is too round, or my mirror is
} > broken?
}
} Our staff psychologist soothes:
} Now, now.  There's no use denying it -- it was your own choice, after
} all.  We went through all this before the operation, and the sooner you
} accept the facts, the sooner you can get on with your new life as a
} woman.
}
} >  8.  Is Jamaican ganga really better than Mexican?  Is it because of
} > the Alt key?
}
} We got this question to our Central American correspondent, but not
} before he'd dropped a couple of Mescaline tabs.  He replies:
} Who's ganga?  Why Alt?  Am I talking to a purple cow, or are you the
} bean pole I ate with my bowl of Rice Crispies?  Wow, man.  I think I've
} really f***ed up my mind good this time.
}
} >  9.  What ever happened to Light Bright?
}
} Our Toy Industry Analyst confidently states:
} The idea of poking things into a dark sheet to get bursts of color has
} been implemented more effectively on the computer, spelling the end of
} Light Bright.  Not only will the computer allow you to reuse a screen,
} thus eliminating blank-sheet-hording psychosis, but you can do all your
} poking in the dark without fear of contracting some nasty disease.
}
} >  10.  Does Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear really have a top ten
} > list of fears?
}
} Oh bugger it, I'm tired of answering you. You owe me a monster cup of
} coffee, pal. And two jelly donuts.


250-07    (06860 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know about ten young, pretty women, any of whom I would love to have
> insanely in love with me.  Then there's this other girl, almost pretty
> but really ditzy and annoying, who is infatuated with me even though I
> don't really like her.  Is there any way to remove her infatuation for
> me and transfer it to one of the women I really like?  If it were
> possible and I did it, would the fact of the recipient of the
> transplanted infatuation being infatuated render her unattractive to me
> as well?  In other words, are these ten or so women attractive to me
> only because not one of them wants me, but if one did I would find her
> repulsive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is not interested in analyzing your psychological problems,
} fascinating though they are in their byzantine complexity.  If you truly
} want to resolve your love/hate complices, the Oracle recommends that you
} either consult a very expensive therapist whose name I will give you,
} from whom the Oracle receives no kickbacks whatsoever, really, or that
} you join the French Foreign Legion, which is much less expensive and
} equally unlikely to untangle your twisted psyche.
}
} However, the problem of infatuation transplant is, in fact, much simpler
} than you imagine.  Today, the Oracle revolutionizes medical science by
} revealing that infatuation is actually the result of parasitic
} infection.  At the base of your eyelashes, live microscopic mites.
} Bugs.  Little bugs.  Normally, these mites are totally benign.  They
} live in their microscopic world, wooing microscopic mite-maidens,
} raising microscopic families, and going on microscopic holidays to the
} lower eyelid.  However, in response to a complex and subtle imbalance in
} the hormonal chemistry of their host, these mites travel to the optical
} nerve, where they respond to specific light patterns on the retina by
} secreting a hallucinogenic chemical.  The initial symptoms of this
} hormone are minor interference with vision (hence, "starry-eyed with
} love"), followed quickly by waves of unrealistic sexual fantasy, i.e.,
} infatuation.
}
} So, if you want to transfer the infatuation from the ditzy one to any of
} the nubile nymphs of your dreams, you only need to follow this
} straightforward procedure:
}
} 1) Tackle and sedate the ditzy one.  With TEEEEEENY little tweezers and
} a microscope, remove all mites from her eyelashes.  Make sure to get
} every one.
}
} 2) Capture a nymph.  Exterminate her native mites.  For this purpose,
} the Oracle has found strong doses of DDT injected into the eyes to be
} effective.
}
} 3) Seed the nymph's eyes with the captive mites.  The onset of
} infatuation should take 6 to 10 hours.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle one dozen microscopic Roach Hotels.


250-08    (04718 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Considering the things happening in the world today, "A" is obviously
> for "Atom bomb", but what do the rest of the letters of the alphabet
> stand for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A -- is for Atom Bomb, which we hope we never drop
} B -- is for Bush, who is turning out a flop
} C -- is for Congress, which is really confused
} D -- is for Dan Rather, who is somewhat bemused
} E -- is for Europe, which will never be the same
} F -- is for Freedom, which for some is just a game
} G -- is for Gorbachev, who is grabbing up more power
} H -- is for Hussain, whose plans are going sour
} I -- is for Inflation, which hits everybodys pocket
} J -- is for Japan, going off like a rocket
} K -- is for Kissing, something I like to do
} L -- is for Lisa, the one to do it to
} M -- is for Masochists, who really like pain
} N -- is for Narcissists, who really are vain
} O -- is for Oracle, if I may be so bold
} P -- is for Paulina, a treasure to behold
} Q -- is for Quayle, who really is a dummy
} R -- is for Rushdie, who may be killed for money
} S -- is for Sexy, something for which I yearn
} T -- is for Turbo C++, which I really have to learn
} U -- is for Ugly, like Roseanne Barr
} V -- is for Volkswagon, like my old car
} W -- is for Whiskey, something neat to drink
} X -- is for Xmas, too commercial I think
} Y -- is for Yo-Yo, with which I like to play
} Z -- is for Zero, the amount I have left to say
}
} You owe the Oracle a few new letters to play around with, and the time
} to mess around with this foolishness.


250-09    (89111 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I tried that, but the penguin complained about the heat. What next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, just rot13 it and go back to bed.


250-10    (64352 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why why why why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because because because because, of the wonderful things he does.
}
} You owe the Oracle a yellow brick.


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