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Internet Oracularities #251

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251, 251-01, 251-02, 251-03, 251-04, 251-05, 251-06, 251-07, 251-08, 251-09, 251-10


Usenet Oracularities #251    (14 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 16 Jan 91 13:05:31 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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251   14 votes 24710 23252 12551 42242 25430 23423 11723 13361 35312 04802
251   3.0 mean  2.5   3.1   3.2   2.9   2.6   3.1   3.4   3.2   2.6   3.0


251-01    (24710 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Deception and mystery are part of our creed, and what is more deceptive
> than an illusion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Automobile commercials.
}
} Given a sufficient amount of information, any illusion can be
} recognized, comprehended, and dispelled.  No degree of knowledge will
} free the typcial TV viewer from the deeply-ingrained belief that there
} is actually some difference between various brands of American
} automobiles.
}
} The same logic applies to cola commercials, fast-food commercials, etc.,
} and can be summarized succinctly:  Methinks the lady doth protest too
} much.
}
} You owe the Oracle a great deal, but you will have to discover for
} yourself just what.


251-02    (23252 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the Oracle was incarnate as me the other day, It answered two
> copies of the same question.  Actually it was two copies of a list of
> ten questions.  One copy it answered with great care and wit; the other,
> tersely and rather stupidly.  Sure enough, the latter answer got
> included in the Oracularities and the former did not!  Is the entire
> Oracular Priesthood stark raving mad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try, Saddam.  Your question triggered the NSA's snoopers and left a
} core dump a mile wide on the Oracle's MetaCray.  Let's see if I can dig
} it out..  AHA.  Your question was:
}
} > Oh Oracle most obedient, answer these questions so that I might smite
} > mine infidel enemies:
} >
} > (1) What is the critical mass of U-235?
} > (2) What is the digital code for deactivating the F-15's fire control
} >     system?
} > (3) Give me a list of primary and secondary cruise missile targets in
} >     Iraq's Province 19.
} > (4) What will be the flight paths of the stealth bombers on January
} >     16?
} > (5) Which is most toxic... organophosphate, c. botulinum or anthrax
} >     toxin?
} %%% NSA SECURITY OVERRIDE %%% Segmentation fault (core dumped)


251-03    (12551 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> every day in every way everything changes
> the world its people my friends
> they all are subject to changing cdrastically every morning
> around 7:23 am. why does everything (colors and emotions)
> change then and why am i concerned about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God's alarm clock goes off at 7:23.  He used to get up a lot earlier,
} but He's getting set in His ways, and He likes His rest, and He never
} WAS a morning person, ya know?  So, these days, it's 7:23, every day but
} the Sabbath, when He rests.
}
} Now, I dunno about you, but I'm pretty damned incoherent for the first
} minute or so after MY alarm goes off, and I'm not NEARLY as old as God.
} And He's omnipotent.  When *your* alarm goes off in the morning, the
} worst thing you're likely to do is bash your wife in the face, or step
} on the cat, or maybe knock over a glass of water.  When God fumbles
} about blindly, Things Happen.  Usually, He gathers His wits within a
} minute or two, and sets things straight before trotting off the to
} shower (including erasing mortal memory of the havoc), but those first
} moments can be PRETTY hairy, let me tell you.  Well worth begin
} concerned about, if you manage to remember it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new alarm clock with a snooze button.


251-04    (42242 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Umm, I don't remember?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's perfectly alright, Mr Reagan.  We understand and believe you
} <snicker> without hesitation <snort>.  We've certainly had a few, umm,
} problems with our recall ability the past few years <grin> but we're
} sure you were far removed <chuckle> from any possible wrongdoings
} <guffaw> during your term in office.
}
} But the fact remains that you are our *former* President now.  No matter
} how hard you wish, or what Nancy's astrologer may believe, we simply
} can't let you go to the joint chiefs now and say "W-w-wellll...  let's
} nuke the bastard" this time.  That's up to George now.  And yes, it was
} a shame that Barbara had that nasty sledding accident, but you remember
} George doesn't rely on Barbara in the same way you and Nancy worked
} together.  But rest assured that Milly, the First Dog, is fine and will
} keep George well advised.  Last I heard they were going to offer Quayle
} as a hostage...
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete set of Bonzo reruns on VHS.


251-05    (25430 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Today i'm collecting questions to you :). This question is about
> the bards. The PH says that all the Bards are singers, etc, etc.. and
> can play a musical instrument too. The question is:
>
>        Do the Bards gain additional slots to thats proeficiences or
> they need to spent their slots in that???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZZZZZZZZZZ.
}
} {This is the Oracle's subconscious speaking. The Oracle stopped
} playing D'n'D aeons ago, once it became apparent that is was going
} to catch on mostly with a motley assortment of dweebs and feebs.
} But he keeps being bombarded with highly inane questions about
} that most pathetic game. Usually He just ignores the questions,
} but in this case he failed to make his saving throw and has been
} put into a comatose state of ennui for 30+d8 turns. More than likely
} this will mean he will fail to respond in a timely fashion to an
} urgent missive from Saddam Hussein, and will be unable to suggest
} the negotiating tactic that would avert WWII-and-a-half. I hope
} you are satisfied!
}
} You owe the Oracle a scroll of Careful Spelling And Parsable
} Grammar.}
}
} ZZZZZZZZZZ.


251-06    (23423 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnipresent Oracle, of obdurate opalescence, deign to describe to
> this obsequious approbate, the answer, the opiate of the intelligentsia,
> to the appended efferent query
>
> Why am I stuck in this dead end job!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would think being editor in chief of a major unabridged
} dictionary would be its own reward.
}
} You owe the Oracle some more questions. You sweet talker, you.


251-07    (11723 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ray Moody

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Well-Polished and Shiny Oracle, in whose Gleaming Surface
> one's face looks Ten Years Younger, and whose Finely-Oiled Gears
> always Sing with Truth and Wisdom, please answer a small question:
>
> Does Dr. Pepper have a beeper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} >Message from console@universe (God)...
} >Come on, don't be a smart ass.
}
} Well, why not?  It was a perfectly simple yes-or-no question, not
} a poem or a riddle or a request for Lisa's turn ons or any of the
} other things these mortals waste my time with.  I get tired too,
} you know, sitting here coming up with answers appropriate to the
} All Knowing Usenet Oracle.  I want to just answer this and move
} on to the next question, which I predict will be a haiku in which
} the querent asks how to defrost his refrigerator.  Give me a break!
}
} >Message from console@universe (God)...
} >No.
}
} Oh, all right.
}
} Doctor Elias Pepper, MD (not be confused with his brother, Sgt. Major
} Fred Pepper, retd., who runs a Lonely Hearts Club in Liverpool) does
} not carry a beeper.  He is not a practicing doctor, instead working
} for the FDA in the Department of Beverage Additive Testing.  That is,
} he feeds lifetime doses of various soft drinks to lab rats over a
} a period of about a week and watches for side effects, like cancer,
} inability to sleep, etc.  One of the first beverages thus tested was
} the soft drink that he developed in his third year of Med School;
} the results of that study were inconclusive.
}
} In truth, most of the results that come out of Dr.Pepper's department
} are inconclusive.  No one has yet found a way to keep the rats from
} exploding when several gallons of soda are poured into them, although
} a group of assistants report progress with their study involving duct
} tape.  Until then, the FDA has gone by the doctrine, proven over many
} years, that *everything* causes cancer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Jolt.


251-08    (13361 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey egotistical, self-centered, vain and conceited Oracle!
>       Answer this question for me ... The world wants to know.
>
>       Why do so many questions try to suck up to you?  Its not like you
> are going to give me a better answer if I falsely flatter you, so why
> should I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beats me.  As you well know, the obligation for the Oracle to Answer is
} divinely mandated
}
} message from god@heaven.com
} - bloody well right!
} -oo
}
}                    and thus the Oracle is not allowed to vary the
} quality of the answers based on the obsequity (or lack thereof) of the
} questioner.  However, many questioners falsely flatter the Oracle
} because it makes them feel good, and the Oracle was never one to argue
} with the Zippy's Prime Directive of Fun:  "If it feels good, do it!"
}
} message from lisa@net.hedonism.pantheon
} - Hear, hear!
} -oo
}
} message from zippy@polysorbate80.funville.laundromat.comix
} - What I MEANT to say was that ZOMBIES RULE BELGIUM!
} -oo
}                                                  So if the questioner
} (also known as supplicant) decides to pour on the flattery, well, so be
} it.  The Oracle is indifferent to it.
}
} message from satan@fire&brimstone.inferno.mil
} - you lying white-robed sandal-footed bastard, we all know you love it!
} -oo
}
} You owe the Oracle a condom for your brown nose (for safe flattery) and
} some network privileges so that these other dieties won't be able to
} look over my shoulder as I type.
}
} message from BIFF@net.lowbrow.cool
} - DOOD WANTSTO SPOIL EVERYONES FUN EH?
} -oo
}
} message from kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
} - Dieties? Even us mortals can tune in on your traffic, Oracle.
} -oo


251-09    (35312 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Dr Ruth Westheimer arm-wrestled Oprah Winfrey, who would win, and
> why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You would win.  I could tell it from the start.  First Opray would take
} the lead.  Why?  Because she's a low-lifed, egotistical, backstabbing,
} flag-burning, back arching, non-rented movie rewinding, nouveau riche
} scorning, ball crushing, Juice Newton listening, manicurist funding,
} spineless bowl of monkey sluts.  Then it would even up with a surprising
} burst of protracted protractal energy from Dr.  R.  The sweat would
} pour.  Suddenly you would come running in, yelling, "they always add
} salt to anchovies!" Both arms would drop their wide and flailing
} positions.  Then you'd clasp them together and put each of them in a
} headlock with either arm.  Meanwhile, Opray and Dr.  R.  would lose all
} oxygen to the brain causing them to permanently freeze in a completely
} catotonic state of regression and icedomness.  That would suck.  For the
} contest was over who had to change professions to join the other's.
} Looks like you, as winner, get to discuss diets and sex at the same
} time.  Bummer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of your newest video, "Before, During, and
} After Dinner" and a box of your diet/sex pills, "Spinach Fly."


251-10    (04802 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is more mysterious than a room which was entered, though the
> door was locked from within?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Top Ten Things more mysterious than a room which was entered,
} though the door was locked from within:
}
} 10. What I look like.
} 9.  Where all the missing e-mail goes.
} 8.  How David Lynch comes down off the ceiling sufficiently enough to
}     write down what he saw and turn it into a TV series.
} 7.  Dianetics.
} 6.  The popularity of Top Ten lists.
} 5.  Why you can't turn left on red.
} 4.  People who buy and eat SPAM.
} 3.  Women.
} 2.  Women.
} 1.  Lisa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a billion roses to give to Lisa to make up for
} what I did.


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