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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Deception and mystery are part of our creed, and what is more deceptive > than an illusion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Automobile commercials. } } Given a sufficient amount of information, any illusion can be } recognized, comprehended, and dispelled.  No degree of knowledge will } free the typcial TV viewer from the deeply-ingrained belief that there } is actually some difference between various brands of American } automobiles. } } The same logic applies to cola commercials, fast-food commercials, etc., } and can be summarized succinctly:  Methinks the lady doth protest too } much. } } You owe the Oracle a great deal, but you will have to discover for } yourself just what.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the Oracle was incarnate as me the other day, It answered two > copies of the same question.  Actually it was two copies of a list of > ten questions.  One copy it answered with great care and wit; the other, > tersely and rather stupidly.  Sure enough, the latter answer got > included in the Oracularities and the former did not!  Is the entire > Oracular Priesthood stark raving mad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try, Saddam.  Your question triggered the NSA's snoopers and left a } core dump a mile wide on the Oracle's MetaCray.  Let's see if I can dig } it out..  AHA.  Your question was: } } > Oh Oracle most obedient, answer these questions so that I might smite } > mine infidel enemies: } > } > (1) What is the critical mass of U-235? } > (2) What is the digital code for deactivating the F-15's fire control } >     system? } > (3) Give me a list of primary and secondary cruise missile targets in } >     Iraq's Province 19. } > (4) What will be the flight paths of the stealth bombers on January } >     16? } > (5) Which is most toxic... organophosphate, c. botulinum or anthrax } >     toxin? } %%% NSA SECURITY OVERRIDE %%% Segmentation fault (core dumped)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> every day in every way everything changes > the world its people my friends > they all are subject to changing cdrastically every morning > around 7:23 am. why does everything (colors and emotions) > change then and why am i concerned about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God's alarm clock goes off at 7:23.  He used to get up a lot earlier, } but He's getting set in His ways, and He likes His rest, and He never } WAS a morning person, ya know?  So, these days, it's 7:23, every day but } the Sabbath, when He rests. } } Now, I dunno about you, but I'm pretty damned incoherent for the first } minute or so after MY alarm goes off, and I'm not NEARLY as old as God. } And He's omnipotent.  When *your* alarm goes off in the morning, the } worst thing you're likely to do is bash your wife in the face, or step } on the cat, or maybe knock over a glass of water.  When God fumbles } about blindly, Things Happen.  Usually, He gathers His wits within a } minute or two, and sets things straight before trotting off the to } shower (including erasing mortal memory of the havoc), but those first } moments can be PRETTY hairy, let me tell you.  Well worth begin } concerned about, if you manage to remember it. } } You owe the Oracle a new alarm clock with a snooze button.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Umm, I don't remember?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's perfectly alright, Mr Reagan.  We understand and believe you } <snicker> without hesitation <snort>.  We've certainly had a few, umm, } problems with our recall ability the past few years <grin> but we're } sure you were far removed <chuckle> from any possible wrongdoings } <guffaw> during your term in office. } } But the fact remains that you are our *former* President now.  No matter } how hard you wish, or what Nancy's astrologer may believe, we simply } can't let you go to the joint chiefs now and say "W-w-wellll...  let's } nuke the bastard" this time.  That's up to George now.  And yes, it was } a shame that Barbara had that nasty sledding accident, but you remember } George doesn't rely on Barbara in the same way you and Nancy worked } together.  But rest assured that Milly, the First Dog, is fine and will } keep George well advised.  Last I heard they were going to offer Quayle } as a hostage... } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of Bonzo reruns on VHS.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Today i'm collecting questions to you :). This question is about > the bards. The PH says that all the Bards are singers, etc, etc.. and > can play a musical instrument too. The question is: > >        Do the Bards gain additional slots to thats proeficiences or > they need to spent their slots in that???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZZZZZZZZZZ. } } {This is the Oracle's subconscious speaking. The Oracle stopped } playing D'n'D aeons ago, once it became apparent that is was going } to catch on mostly with a motley assortment of dweebs and feebs. } But he keeps being bombarded with highly inane questions about } that most pathetic game. Usually He just ignores the questions, } but in this case he failed to make his saving throw and has been } put into a comatose state of ennui for 30+d8 turns. More than likely } this will mean he will fail to respond in a timely fashion to an } urgent missive from Saddam Hussein, and will be unable to suggest } the negotiating tactic that would avert WWII-and-a-half. I hope } you are satisfied! } } You owe the Oracle a scroll of Careful Spelling And Parsable } Grammar.} } } ZZZZZZZZZZ.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnipresent Oracle, of obdurate opalescence, deign to describe to > this obsequious approbate, the answer, the opiate of the intelligentsia, > to the appended efferent query > > Why am I stuck in this dead end job!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would think being editor in chief of a major unabridged } dictionary would be its own reward. } } You owe the Oracle some more questions. You sweet talker, you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Well-Polished and Shiny Oracle, in whose Gleaming Surface > one's face looks Ten Years Younger, and whose Finely-Oiled Gears > always Sing with Truth and Wisdom, please answer a small question: > > Does Dr. Pepper have a beeper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. } } >Message from console@universe (God)... } >Come on, don't be a smart ass. } } Well, why not?  It was a perfectly simple yes-or-no question, not } a poem or a riddle or a request for Lisa's turn ons or any of the } other things these mortals waste my time with.  I get tired too, } you know, sitting here coming up with answers appropriate to the } All Knowing Usenet Oracle.  I want to just answer this and move } on to the next question, which I predict will be a haiku in which } the querent asks how to defrost his refrigerator.  Give me a break! } } >Message from console@universe (God)... } >No. } } Oh, all right. } } Doctor Elias Pepper, MD (not be confused with his brother, Sgt. Major } Fred Pepper, retd., who runs a Lonely Hearts Club in Liverpool) does } not carry a beeper.  He is not a practicing doctor, instead working } for the FDA in the Department of Beverage Additive Testing.  That is, } he feeds lifetime doses of various soft drinks to lab rats over a } a period of about a week and watches for side effects, like cancer, } inability to sleep, etc.  One of the first beverages thus tested was } the soft drink that he developed in his third year of Med School; } the results of that study were inconclusive. } } In truth, most of the results that come out of Dr.Pepper's department } are inconclusive.  No one has yet found a way to keep the rats from } exploding when several gallons of soda are poured into them, although } a group of assistants report progress with their study involving duct } tape.  Until then, the FDA has gone by the doctrine, proven over many } years, that *everything* causes cancer. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Jolt.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey egotistical, self-centered, vain and conceited Oracle! >       Answer this question for me ... The world wants to know. > >       Why do so many questions try to suck up to you?  Its not like you > are going to give me a better answer if I falsely flatter you, so why > should I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beats me.  As you well know, the obligation for the Oracle to Answer is } divinely mandated } } message from god@heaven.com } - bloody well right! } -oo } }                    and thus the Oracle is not allowed to vary the } quality of the answers based on the obsequity (or lack thereof) of the } questioner.  However, many questioners falsely flatter the Oracle } because it makes them feel good, and the Oracle was never one to argue } with the Zippy's Prime Directive of Fun:  "If it feels good, do it!" } } message from lisa@net.hedonism.pantheon } - Hear, hear! } -oo } } message from zippy@polysorbate80.funville.laundromat.comix } - What I MEANT to say was that ZOMBIES RULE BELGIUM! } -oo }                                                  So if the questioner } (also known as supplicant) decides to pour on the flattery, well, so be } it.  The Oracle is indifferent to it. } } message from satan@fire&brimstone.inferno.mil } - you lying white-robed sandal-footed bastard, we all know you love it! } -oo } } You owe the Oracle a condom for your brown nose (for safe flattery) and } some network privileges so that these other dieties won't be able to } look over my shoulder as I type. } } message from BIFF@net.lowbrow.cool } - DOOD WANTSTO SPOIL EVERYONES FUN EH? } -oo } } message from kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu } - Dieties? Even us mortals can tune in on your traffic, Oracle. } -oo

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Dr Ruth Westheimer arm-wrestled Oprah Winfrey, who would win, and > why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You would win.  I could tell it from the start.  First Opray would take } the lead.  Why?  Because she's a low-lifed, egotistical, backstabbing, } flag-burning, back arching, non-rented movie rewinding, nouveau riche } scorning, ball crushing, Juice Newton listening, manicurist funding, } spineless bowl of monkey sluts.  Then it would even up with a surprising } burst of protracted protractal energy from Dr.  R.  The sweat would } pour.  Suddenly you would come running in, yelling, "they always add } salt to anchovies!" Both arms would drop their wide and flailing } positions.  Then you'd clasp them together and put each of them in a } headlock with either arm.  Meanwhile, Opray and Dr.  R.  would lose all } oxygen to the brain causing them to permanently freeze in a completely } catotonic state of regression and icedomness.  That would suck.  For the } contest was over who had to change professions to join the other's. } Looks like you, as winner, get to discuss diets and sex at the same } time.  Bummer. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of your newest video, "Before, During, and } After Dinner" and a box of your diet/sex pills, "Spinach Fly."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is more mysterious than a room which was entered, though the > door was locked from within?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Top Ten Things more mysterious than a room which was entered, } though the door was locked from within: } } 10. What I look like. } 9.  Where all the missing e-mail goes. } 8.  How David Lynch comes down off the ceiling sufficiently enough to }     write down what he saw and turn it into a TV series. } 7.  Dianetics. } 6.  The popularity of Top Ten lists. } 5.  Why you can't turn left on red. } 4.  People who buy and eat SPAM. } 3.  Women. } 2.  Women. } 1.  Lisa. } } You owe the Oracle a billion roses to give to Lisa to make up for } what I did.