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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O gracious, kind, noble Oracle who has much better things to do than > answer questions of stupid mortals, please could you tell me why on > earth a blue light-bulb doesn't shed nearly as much blue light as red > light-bulbs shed red light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are right....  I do have much better things to do than answer stupid } questions from stupid mortals.  However, as penance for sins I'm } planning on committing in the future, I've been given this very same } task...  to answer stupid questions for stupid mortals. } } And now, stupid mortal, an answer for your stupid question. } } As we all know, light is made up of feeton, fiton, and foeton particles } (no fumtons, I'm afraid).  Thee fee-, fi-, and foe-tons usually battle } it out to determine what particular hue the light will have.  Mostly, } the foe-tons win out and the color is white, possibly going more towards } a yellow or greenish tint depending on how difficult the fee- and } fi-tons have made it.  When the feetons win out, we get a more reddish } tint, due to the more exaggerated and totally bewildering sexual energy } given off by feetons.  Hence the origin of the term "red light } district", which came about when light sources heavy with feetons were } installed near houses of sexual favors, in hopes that some of the energy } would be imparted upon the customers. } } When the fitons win, however, the light changes to a bluish tinge, if } not a downright dark blue color.  This is due to the generally chaste } and pious outlook held by the fitons.  From this, of course, came the } inspiration for the phrase "my blue Heaven"...  it also is the origin of } most "blues" music, which generally has something to do with how a } person high in feeton energy feels after a person with high fiton energy } has informed them there will be no hanky-panky going on in the back seat } of the car. } } Now, as an exercise left to the stupid mortals...  which do YOU think } would give off more energy?  Feetons or Fitons??  I think we can all } deduce that answer. } } Ah, well, maybe not. } } Feetons have much more energy, so the reddish light is much stronger. } Fiton particles have much less energy, so not only is bluish light less } intense, but high degrees of exposure to blue light (or, to be more } precise, fitons) will tend to make the person sluggish, pious, and } downright boring. } } You owe the Oracle a case of GE Red Light bulbs (halogens, please).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle:  My cat is posessed.  She runs around a lot.  She attacks > the stairs, which I am sure did little (is anything) to provoke her. > She will not play with the sock-toy we made her, but instead bites me. > > Is there any cure for cats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, Kevin, there's a cure for cats. Dogs! Lots of big, hungry, } mean pit-bulls! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-hah! } } No, but seriously. There's little that the Oracle can add to the } wisdom already in print about cats. Basically, your cat is exhibiting } normal behavior for the species. Here's what would happen if you } brought dear Fluffy to the Speedy Cat Tune-Up conveniently located } near you ... } } Melvin: [Reading from list] "Running around a lot?" } Dave: [Observes for a few seconds] "Check. Right up }   to the factory specs." } Melvin: "Attacking things that did not provoke her?" } Dave: "Check." } Melvin: "Will not play with what we try to get her to?" } Dave: "Check." } Melvin: "Bites?" } Dave: [Ponders] "Check, but maybe just a bit too playfully." } Melvin: "OK, we'll let that go for now. Flag it for Kevin }   to keep an eye on; might need to adjust those jaw hinges }   one of these days soon. Let's see, comes when you call her?" } Dave: [Calls] "Didn't move a whisker. Check." } Melvin: "Good. Tinkling on the carpet when your back is turned?" } Dave: [Turns around, then back] "Nope. Nothing I can see." } Melvin: "Here, let me have a look. Uh oh, yep, that could be bad. }   Let's give Fluffy a saucer of black coffee and repeat the test }   in a few minutes. You want my guess, that entire urinary tract }   is gonna need re-coring. Call up the Humane Society and see }   if they have any rebuilt ones, will ya." } } And so forth. } } You owe the Oracle a flea collar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DEAR MR. ORACLE, > > ACCORDING TO OUR RECORDS YOU HAVE NOT PAID YOUR BILL FOR THE CBS VIDEO > CLUB MEMBERSHIP YOU ENROLLED IN IN JANUARY 1990.  WE ARE AWAITING > RECIEPT OF YOUR CHECK FOR $9,127.23 FOR SELECTIONS PREVIOUSLY SHIPPED. > IF WE DO NOT RECEIVE PAYMENT BEFORE 1/30/91 WE WILL TURN YOUR ACCOUNT > OVER TO OUR COLLECTION AGENCY. > > SINCERELY YOURS, > > JOHN JACOBSON > CREDIT MANAGER > > *FINAL NOTICE*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  +---------------------------------------------------------------+ }  |  Thank you, MR JOHN JACOBSON, for your subscription to the    | }  |  Usenet Oracularities-of-the-Month club!  You will soon be    | }  |  receiving your first edition of the Oracularities in the     | }  |  mail.  You will be billed for them whether you want them     | }  |  or not.  If you wish to cancel your membership at any time,  | }  |  just mail uuencoded, ridiculously large and pornographic     | }  |  GIF files to sysadmin@nsc.nsf.net (with cc: oracle).  You    | }  |  may make payments on your account by Visa, MasterCard, or    | }  |  American Express; please include your card number and the    | }  |  expiration date in your postings.  And welcome again to the  | }  |  elite readership of the Usenet Oracularities!                | }  +---------------------------------------------------------------+ }   /    PLEASE MARK YOUR SELECTION CLEARLY WITH AN 'X'    | Place | }  | [X] Send my selection of the month IMMEDIATELY!       | stamp | }  | [X] In addition to my selection, also send:           | here  | }  | [X] Instead of my selection, please send:             +-------| }  | [X] No selection, just send my bill as always                 | }  |                                                               | }  | Your selection of the month is:                               | }  | "Kinzler Returns -- Votes are Back"                           | }  |                                                               | }  +---------------------------------------------------------------+ } } You owe the Oracle $9127.23 and a complementary copy of "Wild Orchid".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does this coffee taste so funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rat poison often tastes funny.  Do you know who you're sitting by right } now?  Do you REALLY?  Have you checked the door lately?  Is the closet } in your bedroom open (maybe it never closed all the way).  Look out the } window.  Go ahead.  Right now. } } Think about your coffee.  Or maybe it's not really coffee. } There's a lot of brown liquid in this world. } } mcw102@psuvm.psu.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are women low-lifed, egotistical, backstabbing, flag-burning, back > arching, non-rented movie rewinding, nouveau riche scorning, ball > crushing, Juice Newton listening, manicurist funding, spineless bowls of > monkey sluts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheesh. One woman turns you down when you ask for some head, and } you go ballistic. Right now, she's probably wondering why you } (not all men, just *you*) are such a high-hatted, insecure-egoed, } belittling, flag-fetishing, belly-aching, porno-movie-renting, } nouveau middle class, testicle-centered, Metallica listening, } prostitute funding, aggressive pile of donkey fazoo. And I don't } blame her for a minute. } } You owe the Oracle a really good time, if S/He again appears to } you in the guise of a woman in the near future. Get my drift?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is that confounded fellow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this is a sticky bit you've gotten yourself into now isn't it. } Well let's see if the Good Ole Oracle can help you out a bit.  To find } him you must follow these specific directions: } } 1) Go to your room.  You know, that place that the school was nice } enough to rent to you for close to four times the actual cost of a } similar room on the open market.  The place your parents expect to find } you when you visit.  The one with the bed.  Yeah that's it.  Go there. } } 2) Stand in the northeastern-most corner of the room.  Right next to the } fern. } } 3) Take three giant steps south and then two little baby steps north. } } 4) Knock the heels of your shoes together three times and say "There's } no place like home." Over and over again. } } 5) Remove all of your clothing. } } 6) Run screaming out of your room and across the Quad.  Stand on the } quad yelling at the top of your lungs "Canned cling peaches are the } latest communist plot to overthrow the world." After doing this, burn an } American flag over your head. } } 7) By now, every person in the tri-state area will have arrived.  Look } them all over carefully, the fellow you are looking for is one of them. } } 8) Send the oracle that piece of fruitcake that he has that you were } looking for.  Don't worry about disappointing your girlfriend, she's } dumped you by now. } } You owe the Oracle one piece of fruitcake, extra hardened.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most lox-flavoured Oracle, > >     I am working on a little folk song for the upcoming war, and > need your divine guidance. I am torn between two possibilities > for the final line of the second verse. I realize that the song > praises Bob, which you might consider to be a false God, and because > of this, I will be willing to pay extra for your advice. > >     Here is the verse. It is sung to the tune of "Oh, Susannah". > > (The number in the score represent the denomonation of the note... >  16 = sixteenth note, 8 = eighth note, etc. -- the "b" at the left >  does NOT stand for "Bob"; it is, in fact, a flat, indicating that >  this is in the key of F. And now, on with the educational fun.) >      _ >     | \ > ----+--|------------+------------------------------------------------+ >     | /             |                                                | > ----+/--------------+---------------------8--------------------------+ >     |               |         8     8           8                    | > ---/+----b----------+------------------------------------------------+ >   / |_              |   8                             8              | > -|--+-\---------16--+---------------------------------------------8--+ >   \_|_/      16     |                                       8        | > ----+---------------+------------------------------------------------+ >     | >              Whe-re      Al- lah   could  not  help   my    foes there >      _ >     | \ > ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+ >     | /                                                              | > ----+/---------------------------------------------------------------+ >     |                                                                | > ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+ >   / |_        8     8                                                | > -|--+-\-------------------8-----------4.--------------------------16-+ >   \_|_/                         8                           16       | > ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+ >     | >              Bob's love helped  our    men.                  We   were >      _ >     | \ > ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+ >     | /                                                              | > ----+/--------------------------8------------------------------------+ >     |               8     8           8                              | > ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+ >   / |_        8                             8                        | > -|--+-\-------------------------------------------------8------------+ >   \_|_/                                           8                  | > ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+ >     | >               all   en-  cased   in   gel-   a-   tin   and >      _ >     | \ > ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+ >     | /                                                              | > ----+/---------------------------------------------------------------+ >     |                                                                | > ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+ >   / |_        8     8                                                | > -|--+-\-------------------8-----8------------------------------------+ >   \_|_/                                2                             | > ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+ >     | >               Sold   to    I     B      M. > >     And the alternate ending is: >      _ >     | \ > ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+ >     | /                                                              | > ----+/---------------------------------------------------------------+ >     |                                                                | > ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+ >   / |_        8     8                                                | > -|--+-\-------------------32-32-32-32-32-32-32-32--------------------+ >   \_|_/                                               2              | > ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+ >     | >              Sold   to   International Business Ma-  chines. > >     Most maleable Oracle, which is the better ending?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, but SOMEONE has food on their mind -- loxlike, maleable gelatin hmm? } Well I'm glad you're taking the war seriously enough to compose tunes } for morale of the leaders of our armed forces.  I think it would be } better if you used the alternate ending though.  I mean, sure, it } doesn't scan as well as the first one, but it DOES make people think IBM } refers to our friendly neighborhood corporate bully, Big Blue, and not } the real meaning:  the Iraqi Battle Ministry.  As General Powell says, } it's too early to be giving tactics away, and a lot of military } think-tank people would get annoyed if you gave away their clever Trojan } Man-Sized-Jello-Cough-Drops plan prematurely. } } Since you're a patriot, the Oracle will not require any payment from you } except the times and places where this little ditty is going to be } aired, so I know, err, when NOT to be sick or predisposed, yeah, so I } can DEFINITELY hear it, yeah.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When you see RED when you use Novell products, is it because you're > angry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  (The Oracle is unsure whether or not he should answer your question } because you were not sufficiently self-deprecating and flattering in } your question, and because Lisa is nibbling on his ear.) The reason you } see red could be any one (or more) of several reasons: } }      a) You're holding your eye right up against the red LED on the }       blinkenlights box. This could explain a lot, including your }       squint. } }      b) Your rose-colored glasses, which you had to wear when installing }       and running this novel stuff in order to actually be convinced }       that in a million years, under the optimum circumstances, it would }       actually work. } }      c) Your eyelids are closed, because you don't want to see what }       actually happens when you plug in that plug. } } MSG FROM BATCH: Lisa needs attention. } }      d) Roxanne has put on the red light. } } WNG FROM BATCH: Lisa needs attention. Report to bedroom immediately. } }      e) Red happens to be your favorite color. } }      f) There is something wrong with the software that eats up }       characters, and this message is meant to be "READY" but the }       software can't trasmit charctrs acros a netwk worth a dam. } } MSG FROM LISA: Hey you!  stop making things up and get in here!  This } } MSG FROM LISA: leather stuff is sweaty! } }       g) ummm..  err... excuse me. } } You owe the oracle a token ring connector for his galactic TRS-80.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> General failure error reading COM1: > Abort, Retry, Fail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're using Mess-DOS? } <chuckle> } <guffaw> } <peals of resounding laughter lasting half an hour> } Fail, definitely.  The Oracle is against abortion.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, >       Who?  What?  Where?  When?  Why?  How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want my life story?  You, sure?  It's not pretty... } } What's This? } } Yesterday, I went into a bar, a normal bar - a bisexual bar.  You know, } two sextions - restaurant and bar.  The bartender turned to me and said, } "So how many Mongolian Cluster Priests does it take to screw in a } lightbulb?" } } I freaked. } } It was so nostalgic. } } And so I ignored the question and reminissed of the old days.  The days } before combustable slinkies and legos the size of Yugos.  The days where } roosters cock-a-doodle-dooed at dusk and drank blended lasagna all day } and man used to land on the moon every few years and Antartica had the } penguins (the puffins where in Tasmania) and "table for two" meant "your } mother smells of mothballs" and velcro wasn't everywhere you sat and } that bitch I live with didn't pretend that half my face wasn't blown } away in a freak gardening accident three years ago. } } Weed-Eaters suck. } } So does Rice-A-Roni. } } That's all I can eat right now.  After the accident, the only item that } can fit between my lips is rice.  I used to be able to eat all the } spinach I wanted.  I hate spinach.  Only rice can be inside now.  That } and my tongue. } } That bitch's tongue can't go into my mouth anymore, either. } } Among other things. } } So why is she still around?  Because she's a low-lifed, egotistical, } backstabbing, flag-burning, ball crushing, beggar bludgeoning, } non-rented movie rewinding, nouveau riche scorning, Alan Parsons Project } listening, manicurist funding, water running, internal heating, } grumbling, rambling, spineless, Machiavellian bowl of monkey sluts. } } Enough for now. } } I must go and put lip balm where half my head used to be. } } Yea, we used to get along real will.  Like yogurt and } fruit-on-the-bottom.  Now she likes to connect the dots between exposed } folds of my brain.  We just can't communicate any longer.  She doesn't } want to listen anymore.  I mean just because I no longer have a face or } a mouth to speak of is absolutely no reason for this. } } You get my drift? } } Bring it back, I'll try to have it stitched back on.