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Internet Oracularities #252

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Usenet Oracularities #252    (14 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 91 13:15:44 -0500

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252   14 votes 12272 03830 22622 36320 54401 14720 26330 23531 44411 52331
252   2.7 mean  3.5   3.0   3.0   2.3   2.1   2.7   2.5   2.9   2.4   2.5


252-01    (12272 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O gracious, kind, noble Oracle who has much better things to do than
> answer questions of stupid mortals, please could you tell me why on
> earth a blue light-bulb doesn't shed nearly as much blue light as red
> light-bulbs shed red light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are right....  I do have much better things to do than answer stupid
} questions from stupid mortals.  However, as penance for sins I'm
} planning on committing in the future, I've been given this very same
} task...  to answer stupid questions for stupid mortals.
}
} And now, stupid mortal, an answer for your stupid question.
}
} As we all know, light is made up of feeton, fiton, and foeton particles
} (no fumtons, I'm afraid).  Thee fee-, fi-, and foe-tons usually battle
} it out to determine what particular hue the light will have.  Mostly,
} the foe-tons win out and the color is white, possibly going more towards
} a yellow or greenish tint depending on how difficult the fee- and
} fi-tons have made it.  When the feetons win out, we get a more reddish
} tint, due to the more exaggerated and totally bewildering sexual energy
} given off by feetons.  Hence the origin of the term "red light
} district", which came about when light sources heavy with feetons were
} installed near houses of sexual favors, in hopes that some of the energy
} would be imparted upon the customers.
}
} When the fitons win, however, the light changes to a bluish tinge, if
} not a downright dark blue color.  This is due to the generally chaste
} and pious outlook held by the fitons.  From this, of course, came the
} inspiration for the phrase "my blue Heaven"...  it also is the origin of
} most "blues" music, which generally has something to do with how a
} person high in feeton energy feels after a person with high fiton energy
} has informed them there will be no hanky-panky going on in the back seat
} of the car.
}
} Now, as an exercise left to the stupid mortals...  which do YOU think
} would give off more energy?  Feetons or Fitons??  I think we can all
} deduce that answer.
}
} Ah, well, maybe not.
}
} Feetons have much more energy, so the reddish light is much stronger.
} Fiton particles have much less energy, so not only is bluish light less
} intense, but high degrees of exposure to blue light (or, to be more
} precise, fitons) will tend to make the person sluggish, pious, and
} downright boring.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of GE Red Light bulbs (halogens, please).


252-02    (03830 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle:  My cat is posessed.  She runs around a lot.  She attacks
> the stairs, which I am sure did little (is anything) to provoke her.
> She will not play with the sock-toy we made her, but instead bites me.
>
> Is there any cure for cats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, Kevin, there's a cure for cats. Dogs! Lots of big, hungry,
} mean pit-bulls! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-hah!
}
} No, but seriously. There's little that the Oracle can add to the
} wisdom already in print about cats. Basically, your cat is exhibiting
} normal behavior for the species. Here's what would happen if you
} brought dear Fluffy to the Speedy Cat Tune-Up conveniently located
} near you ...
}
} Melvin: [Reading from list] "Running around a lot?"
} Dave: [Observes for a few seconds] "Check. Right up
}   to the factory specs."
} Melvin: "Attacking things that did not provoke her?"
} Dave: "Check."
} Melvin: "Will not play with what we try to get her to?"
} Dave: "Check."
} Melvin: "Bites?"
} Dave: [Ponders] "Check, but maybe just a bit too playfully."
} Melvin: "OK, we'll let that go for now. Flag it for Kevin
}   to keep an eye on; might need to adjust those jaw hinges
}   one of these days soon. Let's see, comes when you call her?"
} Dave: [Calls] "Didn't move a whisker. Check."
} Melvin: "Good. Tinkling on the carpet when your back is turned?"
} Dave: [Turns around, then back] "Nope. Nothing I can see."
} Melvin: "Here, let me have a look. Uh oh, yep, that could be bad.
}   Let's give Fluffy a saucer of black coffee and repeat the test
}   in a few minutes. You want my guess, that entire urinary tract
}   is gonna need re-coring. Call up the Humane Society and see
}   if they have any rebuilt ones, will ya."
}
} And so forth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flea collar.


252-03    (22622 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DEAR MR. ORACLE,
>
> ACCORDING TO OUR RECORDS YOU HAVE NOT PAID YOUR BILL FOR THE CBS VIDEO
> CLUB MEMBERSHIP YOU ENROLLED IN IN JANUARY 1990.  WE ARE AWAITING
> RECIEPT OF YOUR CHECK FOR $9,127.23 FOR SELECTIONS PREVIOUSLY SHIPPED.
> IF WE DO NOT RECEIVE PAYMENT BEFORE 1/30/91 WE WILL TURN YOUR ACCOUNT
> OVER TO OUR COLLECTION AGENCY.
>
> SINCERELY YOURS,
>
> JOHN JACOBSON
> CREDIT MANAGER
>
> *FINAL NOTICE*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  +---------------------------------------------------------------+
}  |  Thank you, MR JOHN JACOBSON, for your subscription to the    |
}  |  Usenet Oracularities-of-the-Month club!  You will soon be    |
}  |  receiving your first edition of the Oracularities in the     |
}  |  mail.  You will be billed for them whether you want them     |
}  |  or not.  If you wish to cancel your membership at any time,  |
}  |  just mail uuencoded, ridiculously large and pornographic     |
}  |  GIF files to sysadmin@nsc.nsf.net (with cc: oracle).  You    |
}  |  may make payments on your account by Visa, MasterCard, or    |
}  |  American Express; please include your card number and the    |
}  |  expiration date in your postings.  And welcome again to the  |
}  |  elite readership of the Usenet Oracularities!                |
}  +---------------------------------------------------------------+
}   /    PLEASE MARK YOUR SELECTION CLEARLY WITH AN 'X'    | Place |
}  | [X] Send my selection of the month IMMEDIATELY!       | stamp |
}  | [X] In addition to my selection, also send:           | here  |
}  | [X] Instead of my selection, please send:             +-------|
}  | [X] No selection, just send my bill as always                 |
}  |                                                               |
}  | Your selection of the month is:                               |
}  | "Kinzler Returns -- Votes are Back"                           |
}  |                                                               |
}  +---------------------------------------------------------------+
}
} You owe the Oracle $9127.23 and a complementary copy of "Wild Orchid".


252-04    (36320 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does this coffee taste so funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rat poison often tastes funny.  Do you know who you're sitting by right
} now?  Do you REALLY?  Have you checked the door lately?  Is the closet
} in your bedroom open (maybe it never closed all the way).  Look out the
} window.  Go ahead.  Right now.
}
} Think about your coffee.  Or maybe it's not really coffee.
} There's a lot of brown liquid in this world.
}
} mcw102@psuvm.psu.edu


252-05    (54401 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are women low-lifed, egotistical, backstabbing, flag-burning, back
> arching, non-rented movie rewinding, nouveau riche scorning, ball
> crushing, Juice Newton listening, manicurist funding, spineless bowls of
> monkey sluts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheesh. One woman turns you down when you ask for some head, and
} you go ballistic. Right now, she's probably wondering why you
} (not all men, just *you*) are such a high-hatted, insecure-egoed,
} belittling, flag-fetishing, belly-aching, porno-movie-renting,
} nouveau middle class, testicle-centered, Metallica listening,
} prostitute funding, aggressive pile of donkey fazoo. And I don't
} blame her for a minute.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really good time, if S/He again appears to
} you in the guise of a woman in the near future. Get my drift?


252-06    (14720 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is that confounded fellow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this is a sticky bit you've gotten yourself into now isn't it.
} Well let's see if the Good Ole Oracle can help you out a bit.  To find
} him you must follow these specific directions:
}
} 1) Go to your room.  You know, that place that the school was nice
} enough to rent to you for close to four times the actual cost of a
} similar room on the open market.  The place your parents expect to find
} you when you visit.  The one with the bed.  Yeah that's it.  Go there.
}
} 2) Stand in the northeastern-most corner of the room.  Right next to the
} fern.
}
} 3) Take three giant steps south and then two little baby steps north.
}
} 4) Knock the heels of your shoes together three times and say "There's
} no place like home." Over and over again.
}
} 5) Remove all of your clothing.
}
} 6) Run screaming out of your room and across the Quad.  Stand on the
} quad yelling at the top of your lungs "Canned cling peaches are the
} latest communist plot to overthrow the world." After doing this, burn an
} American flag over your head.
}
} 7) By now, every person in the tri-state area will have arrived.  Look
} them all over carefully, the fellow you are looking for is one of them.
}
} 8) Send the oracle that piece of fruitcake that he has that you were
} looking for.  Don't worry about disappointing your girlfriend, she's
} dumped you by now.
}
} You owe the Oracle one piece of fruitcake, extra hardened.


252-07    (26330 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most lox-flavoured Oracle,
>
>     I am working on a little folk song for the upcoming war, and
> need your divine guidance. I am torn between two possibilities
> for the final line of the second verse. I realize that the song
> praises Bob, which you might consider to be a false God, and because
> of this, I will be willing to pay extra for your advice.
>
>     Here is the verse. It is sung to the tune of "Oh, Susannah".
>
> (The number in the score represent the denomonation of the note...
>  16 = sixteenth note, 8 = eighth note, etc. -- the "b" at the left
>  does NOT stand for "Bob"; it is, in fact, a flat, indicating that
>  this is in the key of F. And now, on with the educational fun.)
>      _
>     | \
> ----+--|------------+------------------------------------------------+
>     | /             |                                                |
> ----+/--------------+---------------------8--------------------------+
>     |               |         8     8           8                    |
> ---/+----b----------+------------------------------------------------+
>   / |_              |   8                             8              |
> -|--+-\---------16--+---------------------------------------------8--+
>   \_|_/      16     |                                       8        |
> ----+---------------+------------------------------------------------+
>     |
>              Whe-re      Al- lah   could  not  help   my    foes there
>      _
>     | \
> ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+
>     | /                                                              |
> ----+/---------------------------------------------------------------+
>     |                                                                |
> ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+
>   / |_        8     8                                                |
> -|--+-\-------------------8-----------4.--------------------------16-+
>   \_|_/                         8                           16       |
> ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+
>     |
>              Bob's love helped  our    men.                  We   were
>      _
>     | \
> ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+
>     | /                                                              |
> ----+/--------------------------8------------------------------------+
>     |               8     8           8                              |
> ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+
>   / |_        8                             8                        |
> -|--+-\-------------------------------------------------8------------+
>   \_|_/                                           8                  |
> ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+
>     |
>               all   en-  cased   in   gel-   a-   tin   and
>      _
>     | \
> ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+
>     | /                                                              |
> ----+/---------------------------------------------------------------+
>     |                                                                |
> ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+
>   / |_        8     8                                                |
> -|--+-\-------------------8-----8------------------------------------+
>   \_|_/                                2                             |
> ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+
>     |
>               Sold   to    I     B      M.
>
>     And the alternate ending is:
>      _
>     | \
> ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+
>     | /                                                              |
> ----+/---------------------------------------------------------------+
>     |                                                                |
> ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+
>   / |_        8     8                                                |
> -|--+-\-------------------32-32-32-32-32-32-32-32--------------------+
>   \_|_/                                               2              |
> ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+
>     |
>              Sold   to   International Business Ma-  chines.
>
>     Most maleable Oracle, which is the better ending?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, but SOMEONE has food on their mind -- loxlike, maleable gelatin hmm?
} Well I'm glad you're taking the war seriously enough to compose tunes
} for morale of the leaders of our armed forces.  I think it would be
} better if you used the alternate ending though.  I mean, sure, it
} doesn't scan as well as the first one, but it DOES make people think IBM
} refers to our friendly neighborhood corporate bully, Big Blue, and not
} the real meaning:  the Iraqi Battle Ministry.  As General Powell says,
} it's too early to be giving tactics away, and a lot of military
} think-tank people would get annoyed if you gave away their clever Trojan
} Man-Sized-Jello-Cough-Drops plan prematurely.
}
} Since you're a patriot, the Oracle will not require any payment from you
} except the times and places where this little ditty is going to be
} aired, so I know, err, when NOT to be sick or predisposed, yeah, so I
} can DEFINITELY hear it, yeah.


252-08    (23531 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When you see RED when you use Novell products, is it because you're
> angry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  (The Oracle is unsure whether or not he should answer your question
} because you were not sufficiently self-deprecating and flattering in
} your question, and because Lisa is nibbling on his ear.) The reason you
} see red could be any one (or more) of several reasons:
}
}      a) You're holding your eye right up against the red LED on the
}       blinkenlights box. This could explain a lot, including your
}       squint.
}
}      b) Your rose-colored glasses, which you had to wear when installing
}       and running this novel stuff in order to actually be convinced
}       that in a million years, under the optimum circumstances, it would
}       actually work.
}
}      c) Your eyelids are closed, because you don't want to see what
}       actually happens when you plug in that plug.
}
} MSG FROM BATCH: Lisa needs attention.
}
}      d) Roxanne has put on the red light.
}
} WNG FROM BATCH: Lisa needs attention. Report to bedroom immediately.
}
}      e) Red happens to be your favorite color.
}
}      f) There is something wrong with the software that eats up
}       characters, and this message is meant to be "READY" but the
}       software can't trasmit charctrs acros a netwk worth a dam.
}
} MSG FROM LISA: Hey you!  stop making things up and get in here!  This
}
} MSG FROM LISA: leather stuff is sweaty!
}
}       g) ummm..  err... excuse me.
}
} You owe the oracle a token ring connector for his galactic TRS-80.


252-09    (44411 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> General failure error reading COM1:
> Abort, Retry, Fail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're using Mess-DOS?
} <chuckle>
} <guffaw>
} <peals of resounding laughter lasting half an hour>
} Fail, definitely.  The Oracle is against abortion.


252-10    (52331 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>       Who?  What?  Where?  When?  Why?  How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want my life story?  You, sure?  It's not pretty...
}
} What's This?
}
} Yesterday, I went into a bar, a normal bar - a bisexual bar.  You know,
} two sextions - restaurant and bar.  The bartender turned to me and said,
} "So how many Mongolian Cluster Priests does it take to screw in a
} lightbulb?"
}
} I freaked.
}
} It was so nostalgic.
}
} And so I ignored the question and reminissed of the old days.  The days
} before combustable slinkies and legos the size of Yugos.  The days where
} roosters cock-a-doodle-dooed at dusk and drank blended lasagna all day
} and man used to land on the moon every few years and Antartica had the
} penguins (the puffins where in Tasmania) and "table for two" meant "your
} mother smells of mothballs" and velcro wasn't everywhere you sat and
} that bitch I live with didn't pretend that half my face wasn't blown
} away in a freak gardening accident three years ago.
}
} Weed-Eaters suck.
}
} So does Rice-A-Roni.
}
} That's all I can eat right now.  After the accident, the only item that
} can fit between my lips is rice.  I used to be able to eat all the
} spinach I wanted.  I hate spinach.  Only rice can be inside now.  That
} and my tongue.
}
} That bitch's tongue can't go into my mouth anymore, either.
}
} Among other things.
}
} So why is she still around?  Because she's a low-lifed, egotistical,
} backstabbing, flag-burning, ball crushing, beggar bludgeoning,
} non-rented movie rewinding, nouveau riche scorning, Alan Parsons Project
} listening, manicurist funding, water running, internal heating,
} grumbling, rambling, spineless, Machiavellian bowl of monkey sluts.
}
} Enough for now.
}
} I must go and put lip balm where half my head used to be.
}
} Yea, we used to get along real will.  Like yogurt and
} fruit-on-the-bottom.  Now she likes to connect the dots between exposed
} folds of my brain.  We just can't communicate any longer.  She doesn't
} want to listen anymore.  I mean just because I no longer have a face or
} a mouth to speak of is absolutely no reason for this.
}
} You get my drift?
}
} Bring it back, I'll try to have it stitched back on.


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