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Internet Oracularities #253

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Usenet Oracularities #253    (15 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 21 Jan 91 18:22:52 -0500

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253   15 votes 23253 21174 14613 15630 18420 56310 12570 24441 15522 35421
253   2.9 mean  3.3   3.7   3.1   2.7   2.5   2.0   3.2   2.9   2.9   2.5


253-01    (23253 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just woke up from a long winter's nap.  Who is Saddam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SADDAM is not a who, but rather a what.  Don't be concerned:  Most
} Americans have made the same mistake, and assumed that SADDAM is the
} name of the individual who currently rules Iraq.  This is false.
}
} SADDAM is Students Against Drunk Driving At Mothers, a public service
} organization which is working to stem the recent tide of violence
} directed at mothers by their drunken offspring.  SADDAM has existed for
} several years, during which time it had been quietly lobbying for new
} penalties for Vehicular Matricide with Under the Influence of Alcohol,
} for increased funding for counselling services like MMA (Mother Mashers
} Anonymous), and for an international treaty to ban above-ground testing
} of mother-targets weaponry like that developed by General Dynamics, the
} M622 Mom Bomb.  Their activities had met with little success and had
} attracted little publicity.
}
} In early August, SADDAM leaders, enraged by the continuing slaughter of
} mamas across the world, took decisive action to bring their cause into
} the world spotlight.  Acting under cover of darkness, they removed all
} their clothing, and invaded Kuwait, ousting the ruling royal family, and
} declared that Kuwait would forever be their dormitory.  World leaders
} were outraged, and refused to accept this "naked aggression." Hundreds
} of thousands of troops from countries throughout the world were gathered
} in northern Saudi Arabia to force SADDAM to withdraw from Kuwait.
}
} Over the following weeks, tensions grew in the Persian Gulf, as repeated
} efforts to settle the dispute through diplomatic channels failed to
} shake the determined SADDAM leadership.  A deadline of 15 January was
} set for SADDAM to relinquish control of Kuwait, and to return to their
} universities in time for final exams.  The deadline was ignored.
} Finally, his patience exhausted, President Bush ordered the ultimate
} assault on the SADDAM stronghold:  He closed the student union, raised
} the drinking age to 25, banned all fraternities, and enforced single-sex
} dormitory rules on all campuses.  Shaken, SADDAM surrendered
} unconditionally, whereupon all members were taken to the dean's office
} and shot.
}
} You owe the Oracle one operational F14-E bomber.


253-02    (21174 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are you gonna do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shoot it with a sawed-off shotgun.  Kick it in the shins.
} Bake it in an oven, then stick it full of pins.
} Whack it with a tire iron, stab it with a knife,
} Take it home and dress it up and give it to my wife.
} Strangle and destroy it with a million evil spells,
} Stick it in a sewage plant until it stinks and smells.
} Thump it with a hammer, cut it with a saw
} Take it in to court with all the full force of the law.
} Coat it up with mayonnaise and feed it to the swine,
} Blow it up with dynamite and nitroglycerine.
} Dip its tip in acid, I guess hydrochlor will do,
} Cut it up in bitty bits and make it into stew.
} Shock it with a cattle prod, freeze it in the snow,
} Make sure that it's cursed by God, and nuke it 'til it glow.
} Fan it with a blowtorch, roast it on a spit --
} Then give up and apologize for all the stuff I've done to it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new penis.  The old one is kind of demolished.


253-03    (14613 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been waiting for my print to make it thru the laser printer queue.
> Should I go have lunch, or wait?  Note:  I'm #387 in the queue.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, the Oracle has always been a great fan of Disneyland.  We
} first went there for the "reception" in conjunction with the West Coast
} DECUS Symposium several years ago.  We like it so much that Disneyland
} is the real reason we've been working our way up to SIG chair.  All that
} stuff about information sharing and making technical contacts is a lot
} of hooey.
}
} One of the best things about Disneyland is that the lines are more than
} just lines -- in some cases they're as entertaining as the rides
} themselves.  The best one is Star Tours, which is a full motion
} simulator based on the Lucas hit.  The ride itself is great, but the
} show begins in the line about 15 minutes before you get to the ride!
} While you're still way back in the line you go through this waiting area
} that looks like an airport lounge. You hear advertisments for resort
} travel to Hoth, the Ice Planet, the Forest Moon of Endor, and other
} galactic hotspots.  You also hear announcements asking people to meet
} their 'droids at a particular gate, or to move their landspeeder, or
} that a departure has been delayed.
}
} Once you get through that, you see what looks for all the world like
} FlightService Droids getting the shuttles ready, and at one point going
} on strike for better working conditions.
}
} Finally, outside the simulator you see a "real time video" of a ship
} being readied for passenger loading and launch.
}
} The point is, the whole "line" is an entertainment experience in itself,
} not just a simple queue.
}
} So the thing to do is to head off and get a carryout lunch.  (I'd
} recommend you call out for pizza delivery, but they're all busy
} delivering to the Pentagon.  There's a war on, you know.)  Take the
} lunch down to the laser printer room, set yourself up in a corner, and
} just watch people come in, stomping and swearing, complaining about the
} other 380-odd people in front of them, and how everybody is too damn
} dumb to print stuff out overnight, and they need their stuff right away,
} and why don't those system managers do something about this problem.
}
} It's an entertainment experience all its own.  When it's inevitable,
} just lay back and enjoy it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of Mickey Mouse slippers.
} And Darlene's sweater.


253-04    (15630 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I had a horrible nightmare.  I was watching TV and President Bush was
> giving a news conference, and he pulled off his disguise and revealed
> himself to be Dan Quayle!.  And nobody seemed to care, not even my
> girlfriend who was watching TV with me.  After the news conference,
> Connie Chung was on, and she pulled off her disguise and revealed
> herself as Dan Quayle as well!  And I switch channels on the TV, and
> every news announcer had either already become Quayle or took off a
> disguise to reveal Quayle as I watched!  My girlfriend didn't seem to
> care.  I asked her why she didn't, and she started to peel off her
> disguise -- and I woke up screaming.
>
> It's just a stupid dream, isn't it?  There's nothing prophetic about it
> or anything like that, is there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You poor fellow!  What a horrid dream!  Of course it was just a dream.
} There is only one J.  Danforth Quayle, and of course cloning is
} impossible, and even if it weren't, how could you disguise a tallish guy
} like Quayle as a shortish woman like Connie Chung or your girlfriend?
} So you see, it's impossible that people are being replaced by disguised
} clones of Mr.  Quayle just waiting to peel off their masks.  Nonsense.
}
} <The Oracle peels off Its mask to reveal the familiar features of the
} Vice-President.>
}
} So don't let that dumb dream upset you.  After all, what a waste it is
} to lose one's mind.  Or, not having a mind is very wasteful.


253-05    (18420 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have some spare time on my hands.
>
> What can I do here at my keyboard to help out in this Gulf Crisis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, the best answer is highly classified (and very
} dangerous).  I have to protect my security clearance.  However, I will
} tell you about one thing that everybody can do to help.
}
} 1. Break into the computer for a large bank.  Bank computers are easy
} to crack if you have patience and nerve.
}
} 2. Steal a very large amount of money.  $10,000,000 should be enough.
} More would be preferable.
}
} 3. Mail the money to me.  A check will probably work, but gold
} would be better.  I will send you my address later.
}
} I will contribute at least 40% of the money to "our boys and girls in
} the gulf."  No, make that an even 50%.  Generosity is my calling card.
} I'm sure the armed forces will make good use of the money in
} destroying that nest of evildoers in Iraq.  For $5,000,000 they could
} afford to buy a shiny new bomb or maybe even a toilet seat.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, this one was on me.


253-06    (56310 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, I keep confusing peccariess with pessaries.  Could this be
> troublesome or dangerous, and if so, how can I prevent the confusion?
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problem.  The latter is someone who generally anticipates the worst
} (see antonym 'optimist'); the former is modern American slang for male
} genitalia.  Certainly you can imagine how dangerous your
} misunderstanding could be!
}
} I would imagine that at this point, you're so confused, you don't know
} where to point your peccaries.


253-07    (12570 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard that they are carpet bombing Iraq.  Is it shag carpet or that
> cheap hard stuff they use in schools?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have obviously misheard.  They are not "carpet" bombing, they are
} "car pet" bombing.  To be more precise, they are taking all the animals
} left in cars in shopping mall parking lots, loading them into crates,
} and dropping the crates over Iraq.  This is, obviously, the origin of
} the phrase "raining cats and dogs".
} You owe the Oracle a large donation, in My name, to the ASPCA, and
} wall-to-wall shag for the office.


253-08    (24441 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh enigmatic one,
>
> I find myself in a truly desperate situation.  Workmates have been
> hijacked by aliens and replaced with exact replicas.  The only clue to
> this insidious infiltration is that these replacements seem to be
> unfamilar with numerous earth customs.  For example, when a few of us
> gather around the coffee machine I'll make an off the wall statement
> like:
>
>       "You know, we're having a little get-together for mary on behalf
>        of her completing her monthly cycle.  Can you recommend a
>        platypus? It would be best if it could bring its own gear."
>
> If their response is something like:
>
>       "Uhhhhh, yeah.  Well, uhhhhh, let me check with my wife and get
>        back to you.  Own gear huh?  Okay, got it.  Let me check into
>        it."
>
> Then I know.  ALIEN.  Absolutely.  I'll then wait for them in the
> parking lot and crack 'em over the cranium with a baseball bat then
> throw them in my trunk.  I've got about 23 of them tied up in my shed at
> the moment, but I think the influx of these extraterrestrials are
> increasing.  I'm trying to recruit more earthlings in my quest to save
> the world, but they are becoming harder to find.  I almost recruited
> one, but when I brought him to the shed, he freaked out and tried to
> release them.  It was pretty clear.  ALIEN.  It's even getting hard for
> ME to tell them apart.
>
> My question is 2-fold:
>
> 1) Will I prevail against these alien scum?
>
> 2) Are there any dangers in having sex with restrained alien women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think there is more danger in them having sex with you.  You will
} probably have them bring their platypus, tie her up, and stick her in
} the shed, and then have sex with her and the other 23.  The Oracle
} thinks you are disgusting.
}
} And what about all those platypuses?  Do you tie THEM up, too, or do
} you take them to the movies?  Maybe you ought to try having sex with a
} restrained platypus before you try it with a restrained alien woman.
} Platypuses are much smaller than alien women, are easier to restrain,
} take up less space, and need less food.


253-09    (15522 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> But what have *I* got to do woth this ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has spent an immeasurably brief period of time examining the
} possible meanings of your question and has recalled the following
} interesting facts in the process of so doing:
}
} The word "woth" has an ancient and noble history.  Etymologists have
} traced its origins to the Ugric, or Baltic, group of languages, where it
} carried the meaning of "watermelon seed", and thus the connotation of
} something insignificant.  Researchers have drawn two conclusions from
} this fact:  since watermelons do not grow in the Baltic region,
} requiring a warmer, tropical climate, that the Baltics were in the
} relatively recent past a good deal warmer than they are now, and that
} the Ancients did not know the value of a good watermelon seed when they
} found one, which was not very often, because even if the climate was
} warm, the soil was inappropriate to the cultivation of a fruit as
} unlikely as the watermelon is.  After all, what can you say about
} something that's green on the outside, pink on the inside, weighs 4
} kilograms, is the size of a large football and is full of damned woths?!
}
} Entomologists, of course, use the word "woth" as a sort of bastardized,
} shortened form of the noun phrase "woman moth".  Everyone knows male
} entomologists don't understand women, particularly women entomologists,
} not surprising when you consider just how much of their time they spend
} examining insects.  Insect relationships are very interesting, the
} Oracle grants, but try biting your partners head off and I doubt that
} s/he will accept it with the equanimity of your average preying wantis.
} Curiously enough, the word "woth" is also an acronym for the term
} "weakly organized top-down hierarchy" used by insect-lovers to describe
} some bee colonies.
}
} Ergonomists point out that the woth was a unit of energy used by early
} thermodynamic chemists to describe the amount of heat released by a
} unit keg of beer in the process of fermentation, so named because this
} was first measured by Henry Wothhamstone, later to become the only man
} with a double 'h' in his name ever to receive a Knighthood of the Order
} of St.  George the Dissolute.  The "wothhamstone" was considered
} inappropriate as a measure of energy, since it was already used to
} measure the amount of physical force required, on average, to get up in
} the morning after a particularly good party the night before, measured
} by (Sir) Henry's father, the redoubtable party-goer, the Earl of
} Twickenham, also named Henry Wothhamstone.
}
} NFS file server error:  no space left on device.
}
} You owe the Oracle eight hours sleep (it's for a friend) and a googolbit
} memory expansion.


253-10    (35421 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty oracle, who has surely heard every joke in the world, what is
> the funniest joke you have ever heard ?
>
> P.S.  Don't answer this if you are Finnish.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I'm not a fish, so I don't have any fins, but the funniest
} joke I've ever heard is:
}
} You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
} your girlfriend gets the munchies!


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