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Internet Oracularities #254

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Usenet Oracularities #254    (12 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Jan 91 09:39:35 -0500

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254   12 votes 27210 04260 33510 22521 23340 13512 24312 14043 12630 81102
254   2.7 mean  2.2   3.2   2.3   2.8   2.8   3.0   2.8   3.3   2.9   1.9


254-01    (27210 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been going to school in Ohio for almost two years now and I still
> haven't figured it out:  what the hell do people do in Ohio to occupy
> themselves on those cold winter nights?  There's NOTHING to do (except
> drink and copulate).  How does your average Ohio native deal with this
> boredom?  (hint: I'm not interested in cow-tipping).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are a very lucky person.  You've reached an incarnation of the
} Oracle living in southwest Ohio.  I'll tell you what I've been doing on
} cold winter nights for the last few weeks:
} Stay up with sick kids.
} Copulate.
} Watch Bengals.
} Copulate
} Go to a movie.
} Copulate.
} Go to bed early.
} Copulate.
} Sleep.
} Watch war news on T.V.
} Copulate with wife's friend (actually, this was during the day).
} Work on database assignment.
} Send stupid questions to Usenet Oracle.
} Copulate.
} Answer stupid questions from Usenet Oracle.


254-02    (04260 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                W  W  W      H    H   Y   Y     ???
>               W  W  W      H    H     Y Y    ?    ?
>              W  W  W      HHHHHH       Y        ?
>             W  W  W      H    H       Y         ?
>             WW WW       H    H       Y         ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The use of capitals in your writing indicates someone eager, indeed
} desparate for attention.  Similarly the large writing - an attention
} seeking ploy.  The forward slant indicates a forward looking
} personality, someone who makes things happen.  The choice of black type
} indicates someone who is thoroughly conventional and boring.  I've left
} the best clue to last, however.  The odd shape of the question mark
} indicates that you are clearly a koala bear.
}
} So, the answer to your question is simple.  There *are* no eucalyptus
} trees in America.  You've had it mate.
}
} You owe the oracle a video of "Skippy meets Godzilla".


254-03    (33510 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How artificial can a woman get?  For example, she could wear those
> contact lenses that change the color of her eyes, she could wear a wig
> or get her hair dyed and curled, she could wear falsies or have breast
> implants, etc.  So what is the ultimate in artificiality, and has any
> woman achieved it?  Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a tough one.  You see, there may be no limit to the
} artificiality, because women are continually searching for more and more
} permanent ways to enhance their beauty.  This is due to the fact that
} while men don't mind the appearance of makeup, permed hair, and all that
} shit, they do mind the fact that a woman who wears such things doesn't
} look the same when she takes it all off.  However, while they bitch and
} grouse about how awful and deceitful it is for a woman to artificially
} enhance her loveliness (or lack thereof), generally speaking they seem
} magically drawn to it.  For instance, take two women of the same basic
} degree of attractiveness, and doll one up thoroughly and leave the other
} one alone.  Put an average man in the room with them.  While he might
} admire the fact that the non-dolled-up woman has opted for a natural
} look, might think her very self-sufficient and all, he will also wonder
} why she doesn't care enough about herself to "fix herself up." The
} Oracle will lay odds that he will then spend the evening clumsily
} attempting to chat up the more "feminine" dolled-up babe.  If he gets
} anywhere, however, he will later complain about how, in the morning, she
} just didn't look anywhere near as good as she did the night before.  In
} fact, she will probably look very much like the other woman in the room
} had, but whether he notices this or not is another question entirely.
}
} Women have noticed the above tendency, and in response have attempted to
} find more and more permanent ways to beautify themselves.  Known as the
} "Cher phenomenon," this usually takes the form of extensive plastic
} surgery, as this is the mosty permanent thing you can do to yourself.
} The Oracle imagines that the final product of this mucking-about will be
} the Prosthetic Woman, a rather unfortunate concept--a human being
} composed entirely of parts not her own.  However, if you want to get
} REALLY gross, perhaps the ultimate artificiality a woman can commit
} would be to not only be the Prosthetic Woman, but to use a penis en-
} larger.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Summer's Eve Disposable Deodorant Douche
} (tm).


254-04    (22521 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi oracle,
>
> > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > Your question was:
> >
> > > O mighty Oracle, tell me this,
> > >
> > > who is this Lisa that is so often mentioned in your answers lately?
> >
> > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> >
> > } whatever you want her to be
>
> this is certainly a very wise answer, but where's your sense of humor?
> plus who is this LISA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  I must have been having a really bad day that day...  sorry
} about that.  Let me see if I can put it another way...  she's my main
} sex kitten, my big squeeze, my playtoy and wanton lustful sex machine.
} She also makes a mean Long Island Ice Tea and love to play chess.  I'd
} rather not say any more than that, because she might read this and
}
} -- message from Lisa@net.sex.goddess
} Your main WHAT??? Your big WHAT??? Your wanton lustful WHAT??????????
}
} Uh oh... thanks a lot, dude.  Now I'm really in trouble.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good explanation that I can use, and a dozen red
} roses.


254-05    (23340 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hoy vey!  Hahj hjds kjhiui  hduewh dud uhd iuh diuhdoe2 iuhd2oiu iyex
>  xiuwebx iu bxiuex biuehg xiuetd neiu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Obviously, it is most important when kjhiuing the uhd iuh diuhdoe2
} to fleegr the grop.  However, I question your use of the iyex.  I'd
} suggest a nice robust shmorguut with a dash of tweeng for flavor.
}
}       As always, the bxiuex MUST be hjdsed for at least 45 minutes on
} high.  (You had the idea right but the amount of time was way off.)
}
}       One more thing.  DON'T EVER call me "vey" again.  I don't like it.
} Understood?
}
}       You owe the Oracle a hduewh of xiuetd neiu.


254-06    (13512 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> My fiancee is a foot model.  You know, like, when you see a picture in
> a Sears catalog, demonstrating sandals. She's got a face like a horse,
> but real cute tootsies.  Well, she's nagging me to get a pedicure too,
> so that we can be the first husband and wife foot modelling team.  She
> claims it'll be a  big boost to both of our careers  (I'm currently an
> accountant). I am dubious that much good will come out of this. Should
> I call off the wedding, or go along with her plan? We have both agreed
> to follow your advice on this matter.
>
> Signed,
>
> Mr. Stubby-Toes

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle thinks that this is just the cutest thing since His and Hers
} towels.  Yes, definitely, you should go for it.  Get the pedicure.  Get
} your nails painted, too.  I recommend "Rose Blush" -- it's definitely
} your color.  Of course, it's going to take a few months practice before
} you learn how to walk nicely in those 3-inch heels, but it's worth it
} for the love of a good woman.  One other tip:  Those stockings are a lot
} more comfortable if you shave your legs.  And anyway, the mini-skirts
} would look silly if you didn't.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the wedding pictures with the two of you in
} identical gowns.


254-07    (24312 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How big *is* your ego?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, being Omnipotenet and All-Powerful, I have an infinitely large
} ego, tho ugh of course, my infinitely large modesty would not allow me
} to admit it, if I was not so Omnipotent and All-Powerful.  Of course, if
} one were to *measure* my ego, which is something a mere mortal such as
} yourself could not do, it would probobly go so large, as to be
} considered Very Extremely Infinite-Type Big.  My ego is large it is not
} even scratched when mere mortals ask me infinitely stupid questions,
} such as:  How big *is* your ego?  My ego is so large, I recently
} installed an addition to the old split-level ego, with a in-ground pool,
} a penguin appreciation room, a library, and Rhode Island.
} You owe the Oracle Bob Vila's Collection of Time Life Home Improvement
} Series and a free session with Binky, the Wonder Psycologist.


254-08    (14043 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                        Chapter 27
>
>        Amy deftly removed her tank top, revealing her small but
>        firm and luscious breasts.  The small dark brown knots at
>        the centers pointed slightly upward, almost as though they
>        had a consciousness of their own and were begging to be
>        nuzzled.
>
>        "Oh baby, I need you bad," Paul murmurred.  He leaned down
>        a bit in order to brush the delectable nipples with his lips,
>        but she cupped her palm under his chin so as to stop him,
>        and cautioned, "uh uh uh."  Paul looked at her quizzically.
>        "First you have to bake me a cake, big man," she said
>        breathlessly.
>
>        "Say what?" he asked.  "You heard me," Amy continued, "bake
>        me a delicious German Chocolate Cake, and you can have your
>        way with me."  "But I don't know the recipe," Paul protested.
>        "That's OK.  I'll show you.  My way," the young woman said
>        seductively and, taking him by the hand, she led him to the
>        kitchen.
>
>        "First, take one stick (8 tablespoons) of butter or margarine,
>        and cream it in a large glass mixing bowl," she began.  With
>        a wink, she then added, "not *that* kind of creaming; that's
>        for later.  Let me show you how."    ......
>
> This is a sample of my new Cookbook For Adults, "coming" soon to
> a bookstore near you.  I expect it to be a best seller.  Most guys
> don't learn to cook because the books never speak in terms of what
> motivates them.  Well, this book should take care of that excuse.
>
> Please tell me, oh Wise Oracle, what do you think of its chances?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's just do some market research here.
}
} Helmut Kohl:  "Achtung!  Das ist nicht fur gesnarfing!  Das ist fur die
} geshectualintercoursing!"
}
} Ronald Reagan:  Well, you see, I seem to have forgotten how to fuck.  I
} mean, I can't recollect who to cook.  I mean, oh, I really want to fuck
} Batman, but Nancy wouldn't let me even buy a rubber Batman doll with a
} real vibrating penis.
}
} Napoleon:  No.  An army marches on its stomach, and if they thought
} about this they'd just come all the time and be in no shape to fight
} once they got to Russia.  Besides, it's not real French cooking if
} they're making German chocolate cake, is it?  Well, c'est la vie.
}
} Aunt Jemima:  Oh lawdie lawdie lawdie, what *will* they think of next?
}
} Juliet:  Alas, oh, woe is me that my Romeo must cook to me using such a
} book as that!  Oh, cursed Sprite, that I was ever born to drink it
} quite!
}
} Imelda Marcos:  That's not sex!  I have fucked an entire country for a
} quarter of a century, and I know sex!  It's not even very good cooking.
}
} Spiro Agnew:  I am <ahem> very much disturbed <mumble> by <gasp> the
} recent upsurgence <oh!> in <ah!  oooh> pornograp<oh oh oh OH OH OH!>
}
} Igor Stravinsky:  I am ze great artizt!  Do not bother my bodie with
} such tresh!
}
} Abraham Lincoln:  I larnt to cook on a long-handled iron skillet over an
} open fire.  That's why they elected me President.  But if I'd had a book
} like that, I'd never have run for office.
}
} Prince Charles:  Oh, jolly good!  Another cookbook!  I'll just have
} Princess Di toddle off and get one for the home!


254-09    (12630 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this Clair person anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On 18 July 1997, Clair Blickstein, of 182-E Avenue J, Brooklyn, NY, the
} 4-year-old daughter of Isaac and Gertrude Blickstein, will become the
} four billionth person in the history of the world to wonder why pigeons
} walk so funny.  She will never learn that pigeons are highly
} sophisticated surveillence devices, introduced to Earth thousands of
} years ago by a vastly superior alien species, and deliberately made to
} look ridiculous so that no one would suspect their true purpose.
} However, this is not the Clair you had in mind.
}
} Clair van der Zee, of Rotterdam, The Netherlands, was the chemist who
} originally discovered clairol, a complex phenol which has mild
} rejunvenating powers when used externally, and which produces the
} strongest hallucenations known to mankind when used internally.  After
} she was reduced to a permanent vegatative state by repeated
} experimentation with the chemical, all rights were bought by the
} now-famous cosmetics corporation, which has ruthlessly suppressed any
} hint of its more remarkable properties.  However, this too is not the
} Clair you had in mind.
}
} Of the 37,287,431 other Clairs who are or have already lived on Earth --
} sorry, make that 37,287,432, there's been a christening in Less Barlham,
} Sussex -- among all those Clairs, there are many with stories as
} fascinating as those related above.  They can all be yours for the
} asking:  Just send $9.95 plus $25 million for postage and handling to
} The Oracle.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle your eldest child.  Just name her "Clair;" the Oracle
} will know where to find her.


254-10    (81102 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look, there's this dumb incarnation of the oracle running around with
> these long adjectival descriptions of women (spineless bowls of monkey
> sluts, etc.) He's made the Oracularities too many times.  He's not
> funny.  And he keeps talking about Mongolian Cluster Priests screwing in
> lightbulbs?  Enough Already!!!  You keep saying the same things in all
> your answers and questions!!!  It's not funny anymore!!!  I mean, how
> did this guy make the Oracularities twice in the same issue?  I'm not
> jealous, pretty much all my stuff gets into the oracularities.  But now
> I'm blithering drunk, and don't feel like being witty, just abusive.
> What's going on, Oracle?
>
> Note:  please make sure this makes the Oracularities, just so this guy
> will get the hint...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, enough bullshit.  This is truly honest and truly the most
} unbelievably coincidence I've ever heard of.  It was this incarnation of
} the Oracle that wrote those words of wit that has managed to irk you so.
} I've never even read the Oracularites.  Bizarre.  But I am deeply
} offended by your insolence, you communist bastard.  I've half a mind to
} cut and paste those lines right in here to guarantee this "message"
} doesn't get into Oracularities.  Wouldn't that be good?  I still just
} might.  Yea, that's what I'll do.  Show you, you Pretty & Plump
} frequenting, mule skinning, orphan punching, Oracularite reading, U-Haul
} renting, finger slamming, Clearisol supporting, Quick Vomit Entree
} nuking, styrofone littering, worm stomping, barbaric, smelly, ugly pile
} of abolone entrails.
}
} Piss off.


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