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Internet Oracularities #255

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Usenet Oracularities #255    (16 votes, 2.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 91 19:00:39 -0500

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255   16 votes 33622 72520 33523 a3120 17404 43630 19420 55330 65500 12940
255   2.5 mean  2.8   2.1   2.9   1.7   2.9   2.5   2.4   2.2   1.9   3.0


255-01    (33622 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  TELL ME HOW OLD I AM

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow was that close!  You may not realize it but you very nearly uttered
} the most dangerous magic spell in the history of the universe, which the
} oracle cannot reprint here for obvious reasons, but which is very
} similar to the incantation, "Temee Howol Diam." This is derived from the
} ancient Zzyian tongue of the Alpha Centaurians, and comes from the older
} incantation "Lemmee Gesshow Ol Deur" which is frequently uttered in
} intergalactic bars, The most dramatic effect of which is the dampening
} of the incanter's face and space-uniform with certain alcohol based
} substances.  Dispite this uniform negative effect, it is used with
} alarming regularity, under the mistaken impression that it is the
} opening salvo of a formulaic mating ritual, also known as a "Pik Uplyn"
} to the sexually frustrated uniformed alpha-centaurians, who often have
} to spend months at a time in extremely phallic spacecraft.
}
} Anyway, back to your question.  The *really* dangerous spell, the one
} which instantly vaporizes you, is "Temme Howol C...  <poof>


255-02    (72520 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great wise and viscous oracle of such great and shallow wisdom.  Can
> you give me a program listing for my favorite TV show, "Amazing
> Discoveries"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but I can give you a program listing for "The NEW Leave It To
} Beaver!"
} 1. 1/26/91     Beaver Gets An Impacted Wisdom Tooth Removed
} 2. 2/02/91     Wally Removes the Rest of Beaver's Teeth By Hand
} 3. 2/09/90     The Beaver is Mugged
} 4. 2/16/91     The Last Episode - The Beaver Kills his Entire Family
}                While On a Sugar High


255-03    (33523 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh might Oracle, who art so wise in the ways of science, please tell me
> this"
>
> What exactly does the US have to gain out of being over in the mideast?
> I mean, we HAVE oil, even if it's hard to get to.  It can't be because
> Saddam got mean and invaded another country...  crap like that happens
> all the time and we don't send half a million people over to fight.
> What is it REALLY?  I have a feeling it has something to do with an
> inflatible camel doll and a picture of Roseanne Barr, but I can't prove
> anything.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're right. The REAL story goes like this:
}
} Saddam and Georgie once were on Frog Hollow Summer Camp together.
} Saddam was a boyscout leader, and because of that HE got to have all the
} girlscouts sleep in HIS tent.  This, of course, caused anger and
} frustration on Georgie's behalf, so he smeared toothpaste all over the
} inside of Saddam's sleeping bag.  Saddam got real pissed (not to mention
} some of the girlscouts) and put a hedgehog in Georgie's underpants.
} That, in turn, made Georgie call Saddam's teddy bear Al-Hazred some VERY
} rude things.  Saddam swore, and shouted, and jumped up and down
} demanding an apology.  "Apologize!" he screamed, "Apologize or I'll...
} I'll...  I'll invade Kuwait!" But Georgie didn't, and the next day
} Saddam wrote home to tell his friends what a silly boy Georgie was, and
} ask them to invade Kuwait.  And so they did.  A horrible thought now
} struck Georgie.  On his last official visit to Kuwait, the Kuwaitian
} government had shown him their collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja
} Turtle(tm) bubblegum cards, which was the one of the largest in the
} world.  It even had a DOUBLE of #374 (The one with the turtle with the
} red headband disarming four horrible, sword-yieldning assassins with his
} bare hands), which Georgie had been looking for for WEEKS!  Georgie had
} made a deal with the government to trade bubble gum cards with them the
} next time they met.  But now that Saddam had invaded Kuwait, what would
} happen to the cards?  What if Saddam STOLE them!  Georgie rushed to find
} Saddam.  He found him sitting near the frog hollow (from which the camp
} got its name), watching the frogs.
} "Saddam!", he said, "Get out of Kuwait!"
} "No", said Saddam.
} "Oh please please PLEASE!" said Georgie.
} "Well, OK", Saddam said, smiling cunnily, "If you eat that frog!"
} And he pointed at a particularly large and disgusting frog, sitting
} among many others on a lilypad.  Georgie had no choice.  He picked up
} the frog, closed his eyes tightly, and ate it.
} "Now get out of Kuwait!", he demanded triumphantly.
} "That wasn't the frog I was pointing at", Saddam said with a smile.
} "So..."
} "So I won't get out of Kuwait, obviously."
} At this point, Georgie got REAL mad, and the rest you have seen on CNN.


255-04    (a3120 dist, 1.7 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, no, no, mira, mira, mira.  Hay mucha diferencia.  Verguenza es como
> cuando hiciste algo malo.  Ser sonrojadora es cuando se te ponen rojitas
> las cachetitas en una manera muy feminina, como cuando un galan te dice
> que eres muy bonita y te pones rojita.  No es nada malo.  A lo
> contrario, los hombres se vuelven locos por eso!  :-) :-)
> He hecho un error, y pues tuve verguenza y una cara roja!  Yo se que los
> hombres le gusta una chica sonrojada, pero no me pongo mucha importancia
> en esto.  Pero, nadie ha dicho que no estoy loca...:) (como el Gato
> Cheshire)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Te digo yo que en realidad si eres loca.  Siempre seras loca, es tu
} destino.


255-05    (17404 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Geeba geeba geeba eeba eeba eeba?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr.  Quayle!  Will you *please* stop that?  You have a press conference
} in ten minuttes!  And take off that silly propellor beanie and brush
} your hair, will you?


255-06    (43630 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was it as good for him as it was for me?
>
> Will he call me again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think it's nice that you are so concerned that your partner received
} as much enjoyment as you did, even if he was only your cat.  Of course
} he enjoyed it...  after having to use his tongue to clean himself, it
} was nice to let someone else do it for a change.  Unfortunately, he
} won't be able to call you again, as he couldn't call you the first
} time...  a lack of opposible thumbs and real useful digits on any of his
} paws makes using a telephone somewhat awkward.  I think you better
} initiate all of the phone conversations.
}
} You owe the Oracle a compete set of Garfield books and a good place to
} take a cat nap.


255-07    (19420 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the highest price you've seen gas at, and the lowest price?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The highest price was $1,203,302,322 for a tablespoon of oil. This was
} a very rare type of oil, believed used in greasing the turnscrew on
} Gutenberg's first printing press. It was sold by Sotheby's in London
} to the Emir of Kuwait shortly before the Iraqi invasion. Unconfirmed
} rumors say that this tablespoon of the finest grease in the known
} universe is the sole reason of the invasion. The Emir succeded in
} fleeing the country, bringing the sacred Oil with him. Only he and
} Allah knows its whereabouts now, and Allah won't tell me.
}
} The cheapest is the form of gas occasionaly finding its way out of the
} bowels of the all-eating Oracle, which Lisa says is so ... er, umm,
} well we won't discuss that now, will we. Hum. Anyway, that form of gas
} is free. It's as cheap as you can get. Of course, the Oracle must pay
} for whatever generates the gas.
}
} You owe the Oracle some fruit salt.


255-08    (55330 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> great state of Texas as your address?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has gotten from you the fragmentary question:
}
} "great state of Texas as your address?"
}
} and it assumes (being too lazy to conjure it up from Its perfect
} knowledge of the world) that part of your question has been eaten by a
} very bad piece of mail software, and that you are asking It why it does
} not live in the great state of Texas.
}
} Well, actually Texas is a far better sort of place than Indiana, but you
} see that Mr. Kinzler rescued the Oracle from a fallen state of despair
} and despondency, of angst and self-doubt, and installed It as the great
} Oracle of the entire Usenet network.  And Mr. Kinzler just happens to
} be in Indiana (not really his fault; times are rather tough), and the
} Oracle owes him a debt of gratitude, and it can't just run off and set
} up shop independently in a better place than Indiana (say, Texas).  It's
} sure you understand.


255-09    (65500 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do they really have any chance of success?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course they do.  Haven't you read Wilkins?  "The likelihood of a
} successful endeavor depends directly, and quite strongly, on the actual
} undertaking; aside from that, only perseverance, dedication, ability,
} and luck will deter- mine the course of events." Even if you are not of
} the Givenian school, you can't deny what Robbins said about "tables of
} fortitude" and "large beliefs," can you?  And given recent developments,
} the Oracle would suggest that one would be obstinate to deny the
} possibility of a chance.  Think about it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the classic "Them," a single of the
} Monkees' "She," and either a hardbound copy of Stephen King's "It" or a
} videotape of the recent made-for-TV movie (the Oracle missed the first
} half, because the Oracle was in conference with Him...)


255-10    (12940 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HOW MANY TIMES WOULD A 60 FOOT WOOFER PLACED UNDER THE EMPIRE STATE
> BUILDING HAVE TO PLAY "ICE ICE BABY" BEFORE THE BUILDING COLLAPSED?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       For this answer, we must turn to the only one who would know
} anything about the strength of the structure of the ESB, Mr. Kong, now
} retired and living quite comfortably at the Washington D.C. National
} Zoo.
}
} > Message From kkong@washdczoo.highcrime.crookdpolitics.usanyway
} >
} > "Oog.  Goog quegun.  It woug depeng ong the suberstruger of the base,
} > ag wrell ag the poggibigiby of theft in the Manhaggen area.  If guyg
} > named Sprago and Meago foung out about sug speagers, they would be
} > stolen before the sound would have agy igpact on the bage of va
} > builging.
} >
} > "Unger igreal siguaguns, ig would take aprogimatly 3.4 hours to turn
} > the supporg girders into marshmellow fluf, as well as the guarangee
} > of 300 New Kigs On the Blog from the Brongx starting to do some
} > "Stop" Hammer Time moves infrong of the builging"
}
}       You owe the Oracle v5.0 so my rat tail can hang low, and a
} BIIIIG bananna for the chimp.


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