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Internet Oracularities #256

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Usenet Oracularities #256    (15 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 26 Jan 91 11:00:30 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

256   15 votes 35430 16800 25242 46410 12561 03741 34710 15621 23640 13641
256   2.8 mean  2.5   2.5   2.9   2.1   3.3   3.2   2.4   2.8   2.8   3.1


256-01    (35430 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Sacred Oracle of the most holy holey order, please answer me
> this pressing question...
>
>       WHY DO YOU ALLOW TWITS?  ARGH!  I spend a goot 10 minutes writing
> and responding thought provoking, funny responses, and I get total
> shit back like:
> >From Jerk Off:
> > I WISH I KNEW.  DONT WE ALL?
>
> > JERK OFF
> > Student
>   ^^^^^^^^
>
>       If you please, could you give me an explanation of this extended
> amount of twitism we've been seeing?  Is it just another case of
> rectal cranial inter-polation that we simply MUST deal with?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Patience, my son.  We are currently training another round of
} Incarnations at the Oracle Academy.  This batch isn't really working
} out; I suspect that they'll all be shipped off to do some lesser kind of
} prognostication (probably economic modelling) within the month.
}
} You owe the Oracle your continued patience until this works itself out.


256-02    (16800 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> None of my usual correspondents are answering my e-mail.  Unfortunately
> I am too insecure to send them messages asking "hey, didn't you get the
> e-mail I sent, & if so, why didn't you reply to it?" So please, wise
> Oracle, how come they don't answer my mail?  Are they busy, have they
> all suddenly decided that they hate me & don't want to correspond, is
> some mailer-program eating the mail silently, have alien beings taken
> possession of their bodies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  The Notorious-Nexus-Cross-Infinitesmal-Product-Paradox,
} discovered by Bob Dunwitless in the latter part of the 23rd Century,
} which states thus...
}
}    The amount of e-mail an individual receives is directly proportional
}    to the social life of the individual, times the product of
}    the individual attractiveness and personality constants.
}
} In other words, you're a nerd.
}
} You owe the Oracle a life and a pocket protector, plus the first-edition
} AD&D game.


256-03    (25242 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, most obsequious, viscous and vituperous, wallowing in
> the wisdom of the ages.  Why do I get this feeling that the "Miracle
> Blade" is the same thing as the "Ginsu Knife"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably for the same reason I have a nagging suspicion that your
} opening was not particularly flattering to Me -- a ridiculous notion, of
} course.  If you ask any psychiatrist, they'll tell you that minor bouts
} of paranoia like this are very common, and that you should shedule an
} set of appointments with them right away to get yourself cured.  And
} bring along any friends with similar delusions.  They'll say this
} because they're the ones causing the paranoia, the bastards.  Not many
} people know it, but they regularly release Sulfur hexaparanoid trioxide
} into the atmosphere; every Wednesday after golf, in fact.  Can't have
} people be well adjusted or they'd be out of job.  Half they private
} detectives in the world are hired by psychiatrists to spy on people at
} random, for no other reason than to give them the willies.  Why am I
} telling you this?  Why did you ask that question?  You're trying to make
} Me more paranoid aren't you?  You're a psychiatrist lackey!  I knew it.
} No, no, he's just a questioner, calm down.  If you start thinking that
} way you'll go crazy.  But isn't crazy just what a psychiatrist lackey
} wants you to think you are?!  Yeah!  GANGWAY, GANGWAY, airraid alert,
} psychiatrist lackeys in the building!  Ethereal Beings first, women and
} children second, facist spies last!  Out of my way turkeys, I'm busting
} through to my fallout shelter!  Try and get me when I have my 12 guage,
} YEAH, just try and get me!


256-04    (46410 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Hadn't the guard at the gates
> of the citadel been given a list of names?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       To expound a bit on your question, you're obviously asking about
} the citadel with two doors and two guards in logic problems, one door
} leads to heaven, one to hell, one guard always tells the truth, one
} always lies, and you can ask only one question.  Your wondering, do you
} really have a choice like that, because you thought that the guard just
} had a list of who went where and that's where you went.
}
}       It turns out that logicians are also much better theologians than
} everyone thought, because recently many people who have had near-death
} experiences have actually seen these two guards and the doors.  Some
} people claim that this is unfair because they will end up having asked
} two questions when they finally go.  Oh well, c'est la mort.
}
}       You owe the oracle a flame shield against all those who are about
} to complain about his incorrect French.


256-05    (12561 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       PLEASE can I have a flamethrower for Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} cc: sclaus@blitzen.north.pole.mil
}
} The Oracle has forwarded your request to the correct authorities. In the
} future, please use the address listed above for all such requests.
}
} Just to warn you, before your request can be granted, you will have to
} submit the following forms:
}
}       AFR54-1 Requisition form for flamethrower requisition form
}       AFR26-12 Requisition for authorization to complete requisition
}                form for flamethrower
}       AFR51-50 Request for carbons to copy in triplicate the requisition
}                for requisition forms
}       AFRZ16/45 Requisition for regulation concerning requisition to
}                 requisition a request for flamethrower
}       NPT - 5  Application to operate Mark 26 Anti-Infantry Thrower,
}                Flame (this is what Santa usually keeps in stock. If you
}                want a different, specific model, you'll need to make a
}                special order -- ask Santa about that)
}       VIV90.0 Identification documents cover form
}
} With this last document, you must include:
}
}       Drivers License                 Social Security Card
}       MasterCard/Visa                 Library Card (local)
}       Passport                        East Berlin Entry Visa
}       Green Card                      Birth Certificate
}       Yellow Card
}       Red Cross Water Safety Instructor Certification Card
}       Red Cross Fire Safety Instructor Certification Card
}       Smokey the Bear Fan Club Card and (photo of) Secret Decoder Ring
}
}       And a note from your mother.
}
} When Santa receives your original request, he will send you the standard
} Santa Contract.  You can fill that out via e-mail and send the other
} documents to the fax number that he will provide.  The Santa Contract
} is fairly simple (just be prepared to defend yourself when you reach the
} "naughty and nice" clause).  Don't even think of forging the note.  You
} can get most of these forms at your county Civic Center; I suggest you
} check at the appropriate office there or at your local sheriff's
} office about local possession and handling laws.
}
} You owe the Oracle six hours of unedited Vietnam front-line coverage (in
} Beta format) and a TYJ45/5.6-00 requisition for authorization
} requisition for requisition forms RT36 and RT37.2 (request for cute
} chicks).


256-06    (03741 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do women want from men?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, that's a tricky one.  For mortal men, that is, not for the Usenet
} Oracle.
}
} However, the Oracle regrets to inform you that what you seek is
} classified information -- for the minds of Women Everywhere and the
} Usenet Oracle only.  However, the Oracle feels within the Oracle's
} rights to provide you with a few hints:
}
}        1) Money can't buy it.
}        2) It needs no assembly.
}        3) There are no legal patents or copyrights pertaining to it.
}        4) It is non-perishable.
}        5) UPS will not ship it red (next-day) or blue (1-2 days).
}        6) It "goes better" with the more subdued fall colors (in the
}           Oracle's opinion).
}        7) It is dishwasher-safe.
}        8) It generally comes in packs of three or four, or individually
}           packaged in lots of 50 or 100.
}        9) It's not what you think it is.
}       10) You can find it between "aardvark" and "zygote" in most
}           dictionaries.
}
} If you need more hints, feel free to ask.  If you catch the Oracle on a
} good day, you may be rewarded with a few more.  (note:  Women Everywhere
} is a term referencing the collective mind of women everywhere.  Most
} individuals have no direct access to this information.  In other words,
} the Oracle believes that most women, in fact, don't know what they want
} from men.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a psychology text in which is actually printed the
} phrase "having a tendency to repudiate."


256-07    (34710 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great an mysterious Oracle, whose prophesies give me guidance,
> please answer this most humble question:
> When I drink Jolt cola, I don't feel any more awake, but I start to
> shake heavily.  What can I do about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you don't feel any more AWAKE, my dear child.  In fact, the
} only way to GAIN the PURE and EVERLASTING AWAKENESS is to EMBRACE, yes,
} EMBRACE the TRUE and UNDYING DIVINE GUIDANCE, yes, of the USENET ORACLE!
} Hallelujah!  You see, brother, to WRITE the DIVINE PROPHECIES is SURELY,
} yes, the ONLY, I say ONLY REASON for your EXISTANCE on this speck of
} dust of a planet!  The ORACLE preaches that He who Writes the Askme's is
} SURELY, child, in no need of sleep..  or his money, so send it all to
} the ORACLE.  Glory be!
}
} You owe the ORACLE six cases of Jolt.  Amen.


256-08    (15621 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who punctuates me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do, of course.  Well actually I do when I'm in a generous mood (not
} often).  But, if you remember the time last Thursday when you made
} that threat, and then a huge clap of thunder sounded, that was me.  By
} the way, did you really rip him limb from limb?  Same with the time
} you stopped your conversation Tuesday a week ago for a dramatic pause,
} and the wind whipped up just a bit so that it was clear that no-one in
} the room was saying anything.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10,000 each of .'s ,'s and ''s since they're easier
} to use than that subtle environmental stuff.


256-09    (23640 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oracle, am I destined to lose my hair because of the radioactive
> materials I handle each day, or will I just become infertile and lose
> all of my teeth.
>
>   Please, I must know !!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It seems important that you should know
} The effects of radioactive glow
} Your hair will slowly fall from your head
} Gath'ring in clumps at the foot of your bed
} Worse yet! Soon you will see to perish
} The organ which you most deeply cherish
} Infertility will be your curse
} Your relationships will turn for the worse
} Your teeth will rot and fall from your mouth
} And bile and drips of ... er, excuse me a moment
}
} <AAUAUGUUGUHHH ---  RETCH>
}
} Now, where was I? Oh, never mind. You may wish to consider a less
} life-threatening profession.


256-10    (13641 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the purpose of the little thing on the corner of my desk that
> keeps bouncing up and down and going, ``Ping''?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If it's a little blue thing, and the sound is a rather tinny "Ping",
} then it's a genetically engineered eavesdropping device placed there by
} either CIA or FBI agents.  They believe that a person will become
} entertained by this little critter, befriend it, and then emote all
} their lifes deep secrets, such as the fact that they once campaigned for
} Lyndon Larouche or that they really admire Fidel Castro's beard.  You'd
} be best served by insulting the little thing, telling it that it's
} mother was a weak strain of E-Coli or that you've known golf balls with
} more personality.  The little thing should leave, although it will walk
} away sulking, trying to get you to feel sorry for it.
}
} Now, if it's a little flourescent green thing that makes more of a
} gutteral "Ping", then you'd better leave your desk and immediately call
} the EPA.  I can't give you any more details for the sake of operational
} security.  Sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of SPAM.


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