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Internet Oracularities #257

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Usenet Oracularities #257    (14 votes, 2.6 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 27 Jan 91 18:28:32 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

257   14 votes 46220 25700 30560 13631 02543 54410 31460 24530 46220 25430
257   2.6 mean  2.1   2.4   3.0   3.0   3.6   2.1   2.9   2.6   2.1   2.6


257-01    (46220 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, please answer this question:
>
> Why the hell is Peter Arnett of CNN staying in Baghdad??  Is he stupid,
> or is Ted Turner paying him megabucks to risk his life and freedom?  Or
> does Ted Turner have something on this guy thatt he's using to blackmail
> him wwith?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Peter Arnett remains in Baghdad because he was looking for a party one
} day. His boss said, Go to Baghdad, it'll be a blast.


257-02    (25700 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does she get hot at the wrong times?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the thermostat.  The Oracle strongly suggests that you invest
} in one of those new, sophisticated, time-based thermostats so you
} can have much closer control over temperature regulation.  You
} know, warmer in winter, cooler in summer, you can time it for
} when she gets home, things like that.
}
} Oh, that's not the kind of hot you meant?  Sorry, women's sexual
} response is one of the Inner Mysteries, and is not to be revealed
} to the unenlighted without a substantial cash payment.  However,
} for free, the Oracle will make a suggestion: correlate her level
} of desire with her monthly period.  The results may surprise
} you.
}
} The Oracle, of course, doesn't have this problem.  Lisa's always
} hot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of a reliable contraceptive.


257-03    (30560 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: eire@bogart.stanford.edu (L Cranor)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    As you most undoubtedly have already divined, I run a small local
> BBS.  But I have a problem.  I have at least one, but probably many
> callers who think it hilarious to sign on with various usernames like
> "Who Me?," "A User," and various vulgarities such as "Fuck You." What
> can I say to these people in order to dissuade them from continuing this
> barabric practice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's a real tuffy.  I think that saying something like "Please
} choose a name that you will remember, to prevent loss of data." is a lot
} better than some ill thought out revenge-type plan.  I mean, it would be
} tragic to build a list of forbidden strings, and if the user used one of
} them the bbs were to say "Thinking" and disconnect them.  That's no good
} at all!  Also terrible would be if you were to (instead of immediate
} disconnection) wait till mid-way thru a down/upload, posting a message
} or something, then say "bad username error, data lost" and then drop the
} connection.  Shameful!
}
} No, something like:
}
}       +-------------------------------------------------------+
}       |    *** The great fuckhead username competition! ***   |
}       |Yes, it's true, the great fuckhead username competition|
}       |is here for you to try.  When signing on, try to use an|
}       |original and inventive username like "Fuck You" or  "A-|
}       |User"  because we find them really funny.   I tell you,|
}       |the time my Aunty June got her hand caught in the spin-|
}       |dryer and  got torn to bits is nothing as funny as see-|
}       |ing a "funny" username for the billionth time.         |
}       |**Prizes**                                             |
}       |Should you  win,  you'll be given as a prize, a maximum|
}       |message download/upload size of 50 bytes, a accountlife|
}       |of up to 2 days, and no mail privileges.  Be in to win!|
}       +-------------------------------------------------------+
}       |   However,  should  you choose a username that is also|
}       |useful, but also sounds human in nature,  we're  afraid|
}       |the best we can offer you is unrestricted download size|
}       |Uninterrupted connections,  mailing privileges,  almost|
}       |complete guarantee that your password minimum length is|
}       |less than 45.                                          |
}       +-------------------------------------------------------+


257-04    (13631 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    OH ORACLE MOST WISE.  THIS QUESTION HAS PLAQUED ME FOR YEARS.  IF YOU
> MAY FIND THE TIME PLEASE TELL ME THE ANSWER TO THIS IMMORTAL QUESTION.
> WHY DOESN'T THE COYOTE EVER CATCH THE ROAD RUNNER?
>
>                                       THANK YOU WISE ONE
>                                       ROB NIESCHWIETZ
>
> NIESCHWIETZ, ROBERT JAMES
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  I got a question looking like yours from a guy named HEINZ,
} HAROLD ERIK, Student:  Are you sure you don't know him?  No?  Wierd,
} maybe you to were seperated at birth and developed the same ALL CAPS
} writing style.  It's nice, though, don't change it.  I like the
} anti-e.e.cummings look, very chique.  Now for a question to plaque you
} for years is very dangerous if you don't brush regularly, but it looks
} like you've dealt with it nicely.
}
} To answer your question, I'll have to consult the net.animation.god,
} Walt.
}
} {/}telnet micky.disney.com
}
} DISNEY INDUSTRIES
}
} login:Oracle
} Password:
}
} {*.*} write walt
} Hi, Walt, Oracle here, I've got a question for you.
} EOT
} {*.*} <BEEP>
} -- Message from walt@micky.disney.com, use talk to respond.
} {*.*} talk
} <Compressed transcription follows:>
} Oracle, you lousy bastard, I was just using vi to create a new Roger
} Rabbit short, and you messed up 6 weeks of work!  Don't you ever use
} mail?
}
} All the time Walt, sorry, but this is urgent.  I've got a client who
} wants to know why the Coyote never catches the Road Runner.
}
} Stupid client.  It's obvious, if the Coyote eats the Road Runner, there
} won't be any more cartoons about them, since the Coyote won't have a
} foil, or a motive to pull his crazy schemes.  It would also cause the
} collapse of ACME, which is dependent on the Coyote for half of its
} income.  Now get going, before I drop a 2 ton block on that client!
}
} Connection dropped
} {*.*}
} {*.*} exit
} {/:Root sweet Root}oracle -resume -answer_in_progress
}
} There you have it bubba, and if you find your evil twin, tell him to
} stop asking me about the sexual habits of historical figures.  He's
} getting annoying.
}
} You owe the oracle the whereabouts of his evil twin Skippy.


257-05    (02543 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need about $15,000 by Friday, or they'll kill me.  Do you know
> where I can find it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $9203:        Go to _L'Eleganza_ at dinnertime.  Steal all the tips.
}
} $2218:        Sell your old sweat socks to Dr. Mario Gwalshmaque, an
}         eccentric scientist who will use them to create a toxic slush
}         monster capable of destroying cities with a single snorsh.
}
} $1981:        Bake a chocolate cake with an iron-filing frosting.  Sell
}         it to Horace Fermash, who believes that he doesn't get enough
}         iron in his diet.
}
} $ 931:        Buy half a ton on Brie cheese and a cord of mesquite wood.
}         Sell grilled Brie to yuppies in Harlem.
}
} $ 412:        Snitch the eye of the Great Idol of Thula-Doom, which is
}         an immense cubic zirconium.
}
} $ 103:        Grow pot.  Sell pot.
}
} $ 102:        Grow oregano.  Sell as pot.
}
} $  48:        threaten to send photos of G. Bush and R. Nixon engaged in
}         sexual acts to the Boston Tribune.
}
} $   2:        Borrow from your kid brother.
} ------
} $15,000.
}
} You owe the Oracle $18,000 by Friday, or I'll kill you.


257-06    (54410 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Let us now fancy, for the moment, that the ring first thrown off by the
>    Sun - that is to say, the ring whose breaking-up constitued Neptune -
>    did not, in fact, break up until the throwing-off of which Uranus
>    arose; that this latter ring, again, remained perfect until the
>    discharge of that from which originated Jupiter- and so on."
>                 From  Eureka, by Edgar Allen Poe
>
>  Did the ring break up before Uranus rose or did it in fact remain
>   perfect until the discharge of that which originated Jupiter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question.  Let me rummage through some old news clippings...
} hmmm....
}
} Aha!  Here it is:
}
}   SOLAR FLARE ALERT
}   February 22, -2984782
}
}   ATTENTION:
}
}       A significant surge of solar activity has begun.  Two very
}   significant and very large active regions have developed and are now
}   capable of spawning major energetic flare activity.  In addition,
}   significant activity has been observed on the eastern limb.  Loops and
}   an associated flare was observed near S14E90 today.  The solar flux
}   has exploded to a value of 244 and is expected to rise perhaps in
}   excess of 260 by the time the peak is reached.  The sunspot number has
}   likewise experienced a dramatic increase and is now reported at a
}   value of 216 (although it will likely climb quite higher as the
}   eastern limb region(s) rotate into view).
}
}       At 03:18 UT, a long-duration class M3.2/SN flare was generated
}   jointly by Regions 6462 and 6466.  The duration of this flare was an
}   enormous 173 minutes (2 hours, 53 minutes)!  It was accompanied by
}   significant radio bursts as well as Type II and Type IV sweep
}   frequency events.  The flare location was at S19E42 and was associated
}   with a strong 5,800 s.f.u. (solar flux unit) radio burst at 245 MHz.
}   It produced a SID/SWF between 03:18 UT and 06:11 UT, affecting
}   frequencies up to 13 MHz.  This flare WILL produce a terrestrial
}   impact, and will form a ring that should remain perfect until another
}   ring discharge emanates, producing a large orange planet with a really
}   nasty thunderstorm on it that will likely last many eons.


257-07    (31460 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do some girls have bigger ideas and bigger aspirations than others?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, another lapse in quality control!  If you'll excuse me a moment
} while I call up LGMCO (Little Girl Manufacturing Co.) to whom God is
} currently subcontracting the human production to.
}
} <ring, ring>
} LGMCO: Good epoch, LGM Company...
} Oracle: This is the Usenet Oracle.  May I speak with Bozo Bitterbreath?
} L: One moment please...
} L: <sounds of 1000 Strings Orchestra playing the latest Ian Drury tune>
} O: I hate music-on-hold.
} L: Mr. Bitterbreath's line, may I help you?
} O: This is the Usenet Oracle.  I'd like to speak to Mr. Bitterbreath
} about the Heaven contract.
} L: Hold on...
} L:  <the 1000 Strings Orchestra returns, now somnambulating to
} Prokoviev's Classical Symphony>
} B: Bitterbreath here.  How can I help you?
} O: This is the Usenet Oracle.  I've been receiving complaints about the
} quality of girls from your production line in recent generations.
} Although your contract calls for uniformly sized ideas and aspirations
} in all the girls from your factory, apparently there's been some
} variations in the product.
} B:  We did have some assembly line problems for a while.  Spice was a
} little low in supply due to the Persian Gulf war, and we had to stretch
} out our stocks for a while.  The contract allows for a 3% variation in
} aspirations and ideas, and we don't think that we exceeded that limit.
} O:  I'll have to check that with the account executive and the quality
} control officer.  We may have to exact contractual penalties if those
} girls were more inconsistent than you say they were.
} B:  Oh, um, ah, yes, I do remember the penalty clause in the contract.
} Say, Oracle, how's that leather and fur covered water bed that we sent
} you last year holding up?  I understand you're a heavy user of
} water-filled furniture.
} O:  Fine, thank you, it's definitely up to the considerable strain of
} being in the Oracle's service.  But the leather is wearing out in places
} and the fur smells a little funny.  And it did spring a leak last month
} when me and Lisa were trying a little threesome with an extremely horny
} satyr.
} B:  My brother-in-law at the water-bed factory was complaining that he
} needed some exceptional sexual atheletes to test his latest models.
} I'll have him send over a couple of modules from his "SloshRite" line.
} O: That would be wonderful.  I've always wanted a "Sloshrite".
} B:  Good.  And I'm sure you'll find no irregularites with our adherance
} to the girl contract.
} O: Yes indeed.  Have a good diurnal.
} <click>
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of another Heavenly subcontracter to shake
} down.  And a condom that will fit over a rhinocerous horn...


257-08    (24530 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite the temptation to simly answer your null question with a null
} answer (even the Oracle gets sarcastic sometimes.  Really.), the Oracle
} has divined your true question, and answers it herewith.
}
} You can, but only in the early morning.  After about 10:30, it's really
} too hot, and there are far too many people about.  However, if you are
} determined, the Oracle recommends that you wear appropriate protective
} clothing, and that you leave the duck home.
}
} You owe the Oracle a videotape of it.


257-09    (46220 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Wise and Omnipotent One, In Whose General Direction I Would Never
> Fart:
>
> I think imposters are answering your mail.
>
> The last time I wrote to you, I described a big ugly green dragon who
> said that I owed him $38.27 for the water bill, or else he would turn me
> into a broken overhead projector, and take my treasured autographed
> Kevin Elster CD collection.  When I asked for help, the reply was to put
> in a CD that would make him sick to death, and then run for it.
> However, I know that since you are the all-knowing Oracle, you knew that
> the big green ugly dragon was standing in front of my stereo system, and
> that it doesn't have a remote control.  Only the real Oracle would have
> known this, and therefore would not have told me to put in a CD, which
> would have caused major bodily harm.
>
> However, being ever-faithful, I tried the best I could.  I started to
> hum a few bars of "Roar Lion Roar", the Columbia University fight song
> (you know, the one they never get to play at any of their football
> games).  The big ugly green dragon metamorphosized into Arnold
> Schwarzenegger's evil twin brother, Ludwig.  Ludwig told me that in
> addition to the water bill, I had to pay for singing lessons, or else he
> would have sex with Fifi, my goldfish, drink all of my Labatt's Blue,
> shoot me, and then turn me into a broken overhead projector and take my
> autographed Kevin Elster CD collection, and then call the Rush Limba
> program to denounce liberal pro-choice animal-rights weenies.
>
> I have two questions:  1) What are you going to do about those
> imposters, and 2) What should I do about the water bill?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's Rush Limbaugh, ignoramus.  For that, you die.  Nothing you can do
} can prevent your death.  The imposters have done a good enough job &
} they will be well rewarded.
}
} You'll be too dead to care about the water bill.


257-10    (25430 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Poo. Nord fweep drep gwaaaah.
>
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       What?  Are you serious about that?  Even with your mouth full of
} pork rinds, I know what you're blathering out..."You.  Not sweet Depp
} God."
}
}       I'll have you know that I am indeed the God that Edward
} Chickenbonehands prays to every night.  You'd better believe that the
} star of 21 Jumpropeskiphop Street looks up to me for guidance in his
} miserable life.  You think it was by accident that he had the nerve to
} ask Winona Rider out?  Get real, I am The Sweet Depp God...
}
}       You owe it to yourself, Mr. Burton, not to eat and talk at the
} same time, and you owe the Oracle another Batman movie with hype
} surpassing most organized religions...


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