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Internet Oracularities #258

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Usenet Oracularities #258    (17 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 29 Jan 91 09:37:24 -0500

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258   17 votes 06641 05633 27431 10871 13760 36440 04436 26423 21824 30554
258   3.1 mean  3.0   3.2   2.6   3.4   3.1   2.5   3.6   2.9   3.3   3.4


258-01    (06641 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are British people actually dead or do they actually act that way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} You see, either British people are dead (there are quite a lot of them
} that are, after all.  All over the world.) or they act that way.  The
} problem is that Britain is not that big, and over the centuries they
} have gradually begun to realize that sticking all the stiffs underground
} would soon cause most of the islands to be covered with graveyards.  So,
} little known to outsiders, British people have their deceased relatives
} stuffed, mounted in fairly normal poses and scattered about their
} castles, cottages and hovels.
}
} In order to hide this fact from the rest of the world, most of the
} living British pretend they are dead so the stuffed ones blend in.  Now
} you also know why so many people refer to the British as stuffy.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explaination as to how that country produced Monty
} Python.  And some tea and a few scones, lightly buttered.


258-02    (05633 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a religion out there that isn't based on BS?  Please tell me
> about it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Ah, a philosophical question which has bugged man and other
} insignificant life forms for ages.  Yes indeed, tricky.  Very tricky.
} The Oracle, however, should He condescend to tell you, in his infinite
} wisdom and general omniomniscience and plethora of transistorized grey
} matter knows THE ANSWER.
}
}   Yes, indeed, there are, in fact, _two_ religions which have absolutely
} nothing to do with BS.  The first is practiced by a little known tribe
} of small, multi-tentacled, scintillating, blue creatures who inhabit the
} space in refridgerators between the freezer and refridgeration
} compartments.  These creatures, who call themselves the nobblegripi,
} worship the great light of the north, which flashes on intermittently
} during the days and occasionally during nocturnal hours.  Their major
} deity, God Thurmatabilube, Lord of the doorswitch, is much revered and
} honored in song.  Weekly, prayers and sacrifices are made to him in an
} attempt to stave off the apocalyptic end profetically announced by their
} greatest wise sage elder, Fred, which concerns a time known as "The
} Coming of the Year-Old Potato Salad."
}   This entire religion is based on an event of ancient history, passed
} orally down through the years.  A story of bravery, cunning, romance,
} and jello pudding pops, not to mention cats.  As a matter of fact, this
} story has to do with cats in a very big and disgusting way.  As far as
} the All-Seeing Oracle can make out, back near the dawn of time, a
} housecat was locked in the refridgerator of a family living in the South
} of France.  The cat survived for about two days before it finally gave
} up the ghost, and managed to live a life of ecstasy for a few hours of
} those days, consuming many of the poultry products stored in the fridge.
}   In its dying hours, this cat bequeathed many items in the
} refridgerator with the organic waste-products of its feast.  According
} to the ledgend, some of these waste products reacted favorably (or,
} depending on your opinion, unfavorably) with a particularly rancid tin
} of onion dip to produce the first two nobblegripi.  Thus a race and
} religion was born, based not on BS, but on something entirely more
} disgusting.
}
}   Then, of course, there is the worship of the Almighty, the
} All-Knowing, the All-Encompassing, The All-modest ORACLE!  Briefly, the
} worship of The Oracle began with an accident concerning a Minotaur, a
} King, about 5 small rodents, Two glasses of vodka, and a cherry coke,
} which the Oracle would prefer not to go into right now, but rest assured
} that it is indeed noble, and befitting such a great incarnation as the
} Oracle, and has nothing to do with BS.
}
}   You owe the Oracle a snake, an apple, and a several lightning bolts.


258-03    (27431 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear sirs- Kinzler and oracle programmers-
>
>    I have found your product to be sufficiently accurate-
> yes, some of the predictions are set awry by a nagging bit
> of metaphysical randomnicity and yet, for the most part,
> the Oracle has responded to my queries of the future
> with wholly honest and unbelievable accuracy.  Thus I commend
> you.
>    I will be frank, however, about a bug in your system
> that continually tells me in response to my question:
>    "When is Armageddon?" by answering-
>    "The answer is unclear- try again later" or
>    "Maybe"                                  or
>    "Often"
>    This often gets on my nerves: if you cannot form a
> subroutine which recognizes when its prognostication methods
> have simply been outwitted and responds truthfully- "I really
> don't know" then at least fix the clairvoyancy program to
> not come up with such filthy scum random answers!
> Also, will Oracle v7.1 have a pop-up calculator and
> pop-up puzzle and will future versions of the Oracle
> allow for the prognostication of questions I may ask
> so I don't need to type them in when I'm tired?
>
>                     Thanks Sincerely,
>                       Nostradamus

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come on Nosty, you know very well that you are only permitted to ask the
} Oracle one question per message.
}
} You owe the Oracle the question to the answer to the question of life,
} the universe and everything.  Oh, and I could do with a pint of milk
} too.


258-04    (10871 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the best foot ball payler of all time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm. The payling of foot balls has long been a tradition among the
} Kwaaahooonie aborigine tribe in the depths of the Amazon Rain Forest.
}
} Foot ball payling involves the repeated striking of the ball of the
} foot with a large wooden staff known as the "payle." This wooden
} staff is split, so as to make a loud smacking sound when it strikes
} the foot. This, of course, can be painful, and repeated foot ball
} paylers are known for their distinctive limps.
}
} The best foot ball payler of all time was Hroo'Kt'Kt'wah, who made
} himself famous by payling his foot balls for over 38 hours straight.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Tribe-sized" pack of extra-large Dr. Scholl's
} foot ball pads for what I had to go through while researching this
} question... Ouch!


258-05    (13760 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ah finally!  We've been stuck up here in heaven for thousands of years.
> They've finally installed these terminals.  They just don't have enough
> of them.  Oh, but I'll stop whining and get to my question.
>
> I'm a soul who's been sitting up her in heaven for the past few hundred
> years (or so they tell me.  They won't even let us have so much as a
> watch.) Well, they've finally told me that I can have another
> incarnation on Earth.  The problem is that I only have a rough idea of
> my possible parents.  So I'll give you my list of possible candidates,
> and my question is, "Which on is my best bet?"
>
> 1.  An English couple called Charles and Dianne.  All I know is that
>     they're rich, and in something called "tabloids".
>
> 2.  A single woman from the colonies named Jane Doe.  She lives in some
>     place called the "Bronx".
>
> 3.  An old guy called Saddam.  I think he rules a country or two.  Also
>     supposedly rich.
>
> 4.  A couple from the colonies called Homer and Marge.  Supposedly the
>     "typical American family"  (whatever that means)
>
> 5.  Lisa  (no information given)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I take it you don't wish to remain up there, which would actually be
} your best bet, with all the nonsense happening down here right now.
} With that recommendation out of the way, I'll rank your choices in order
} of "best bet" to "worst bet".
}
} 4. Homer and Marge would make excellent parents for you. They're very
}    liberal, up-to-date, and popular.
}
} 3. Saddam is kind of crazy, but very rich. He'd be likely to give you,
}    say, Argentina for your 16th birthday.
}
} 2. Jane Doe is scheduled for no particular greatness, but is caring.
}
} 1. Charles and Diana. Also rich, and great press coverage. If you were
}    willing to put up with the digs from your friends, you'd be able to
}    have a great time spitting on peasants.
}
} 5. Lisa would have no time to spend with you, and you'd have a very
}    unstable upbringing, and would eventually join the New Jersey Mob.
}
} So, while you have some prospects down here, you've really got to
} decide what sort of lifestyle you would prefer. Karma, ha!
}
} You owe the Oracle your apartment in Heaven, once you're through with
} it.


258-06    (36440 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Explain why a systems analyst might want to draw logical models of an
> automated portion of an existing information system rather than simply
> accepting the existing technical information systems documentation, such
> as systems flowcharts and program flowcharts.
>
> Show all work.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Uh-oh, I think I missed class that day.  Time for some creative BS ...>
}
} A systems analyst might want to draw logical models of an automated
} portion of an existing information system rather than simply accepting
} the existing technical information systems documentation, such as
} systems flowcharts and program flowcharts, because
}
} <... because ... because ... because WHY!?  Hell if I know.  Lessee ...>
}
} because he would
}
} <oh yeah, this prof is big on non-sexist language ... *erase*erase* ...>
}
} because he or she knew that the technical writer that wrote the said
} existing technical information systems documentation was a total luser
} and wouldn't know which end of a flowchart was up.  Also, he or she had
} an anal-retentive fixation, caused by an early childhood experience with
} his or her mother and an enema, forcing him or her to draw logical
} models of quite every aspect of his or her life.
}
} <There!  If that doesn't get me an A+ in "The Psychology of Computer
} Professionals" seminar, nothing will!  Damn ...  I'm good.  Guess that's
} why I'm the Oracle!>


258-07    (04436 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh immortal Oracle of immense wisdom, answer me this question:
>
>   Why should you never remove tag on a mattress?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd be amazed at how many people ask that question.  Basically,
} the whole matter revolves around the rather tricky business of karma
} and reincarnation.  I can explain this all rather easily if you're
} Hindu.. Hmmm. <flip flip>. You're not. Damn. This means I gotta give you
} the rather pathetically over-simplified western version.
}
}   There's this thing called the "wheel of life and death", see?  Sort
} of like Goodyear steel-belted radials, but a lot different. And there
} are these cows, ok? You can't eat the cows (though you do anyway, you
} infidel) because they've gone around this wheel once and are now the
} intermediate reincarnations of your immediate ancestors (yes, that's
} your dear departed Auntie Flora in that Big Mac you're chomping on, you
} cretin!).
}
}   With me so far? Good. Now some folks, depending on how much
} "good and bad karma" they stock up, go through a lot more intermediate
} stages than just Bessie out on the prairie (or in that Taco Bell super
} taco you just wolfed down - ugh). Sometimes, if they were especially
} cretinous, they get to spend their next few incarnations as some
} particularly distasteful inanimate object.  That's where the mattresses
} come in.  There aren't too many incarnations less pleasant than
} a mattress, to tell you the truth.  Fat smelly people roll on you,
} leak various fluids onto you, and generally compress your springs
} and soil you to the point where they finally throw you out into
} the alley where alcoholic drunks pee on you or throw up on you, often
} both at the same time.
}
} For some reason, women are never reincarnated as mattresses (women
} with bad karma are reincarned as astro-turf), only men.  That little
} tag is the psychic extension of a certain.. Umm.. Former portion of the
} deceased male's anatomy (perhaps because that particular organ was
} the focus of so much attention during the previous life).  So you see,
} ripping that little tag off would generally make an already hellish
} mattressy incarnation considerably worse. The Oracle gets chills just
} thinking about it.
}
} You owe The Oracle a water bed, complete with heater and mirrored
} canopy.


258-08    (26423 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise oracle tell me the colors of the rainbow.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet.
}
} Actually, the Oracle has never seen indigo in a rainbow and strongly
} suspects that it is a marketing fraud.


258-09    (21824 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT SHOULD I ASK YOU?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should not trouble The Oracle with questions of this level of
} insignificance.  You should ask The Oracle questions that involve
} intellect, since the fact that you asked The Oracle this question
} will follow you for the rest of your natural life.
}
} To assist you in your quest for a quality question, consider these
} examples:
}
} Why is the red light on top?
}
} Tell me about the Banach-Tarski Paradox.
}
} How do magazines procreate?
}
} If sound doesn't travel in a vacuum, why do vacuum cleaners make so
} much noise?
}
} What happens to the other sock when I unload the dryer?
}
} Who empties the wishing well?
}
} If a man is a liar and tells you he is telling a lie, is he?
}
} If you have rain dance practice, does it rain during practice?
}
} What happens to the electrons after they turn the light on?
}
} What makes a number irrational?
}
}
} You owe The Oracle the answers to any 9 of these questions.


258-10    (30554 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does that one go?  You know.  The one about the cigarette girl and
> the organ grinder and his monkey ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, that joke has been classified by the Monty Python Killing
} Joke Limitation Agreement.  If you like I can tell you the one about the
} guy with the tapeworm.
}
}       This guy goes to the doctor and says, "hey, Doc, I have this
}       terrible tapeworm, can you help me?". The doctor runs some
}       tests and says to him "this will take a while... come back
}       tomorrow with two apples and a cookie."
}
} Message from god@heaven.com
} > Don't you dare! That's the killing joke!
} ^Z
} 17776 % mesg n
} 17777 % fg
}
}       The guy is dubious, but this doctor is supposed to be really
}       hot, so he does it. The doctor tells him to bend over and
}       shoves the apples and the cookie up his ass, and tells him
}       to come back the next day with two more apples and a cookie.
}
} Message from root@heaven.com
} > I don't know what you did to get the big guy upset, but you better
} > stop it.
} ^Z
} 17778 % ps -qt console
} 56080 99516 46*
} 17779 % su
} Password:
} 1 # passwd root
} New password:
} Re-enter new password:
} 2 # kill -9 -46
} 3 # exit
} 4 # 17780 % fg
}
}       This goes on for a week, and the guy is getting really ticked
}       off. But he's paying a lot for this treatment, so he doesn't say
}       anything. Finally the doctor tells him to come back with two
}       apples and a hammer.
}
} Message from powerdown@console
} > System going down RIGHT NOW...
}
}       I'll get back to you.
}
} You owe the oracle an account at the nearest public access UNIX system.


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