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25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:44:44 GMT

Internet Oracularities #259

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259, 259-01, 259-02, 259-03, 259-04, 259-05, 259-06, 259-07, 259-08, 259-09, 259-10


Usenet Oracularities #259    (18 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 31 Jan 91 08:26:16 -0500

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259   18 votes 47241 29232 14a21 01782 25740 23643 35235 25650 43461 35541
259   2.9 mean  2.5   2.7   2.9   3.6   2.7   3.2   3.1   2.8   2.8   2.7


259-01    (47241 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracularities used to be an awe inspiring, mind broadening,
> right-thinking, All-American, God-fearing, bookshelf dusting, pie
> baking, kinky sex playacting, stacking Tupperware Klein-bottle
> promoting, omniscience boosting pile of good clean fun.  But now its a
> Hell-raising, God-logging-on-and-stupid-message-writing, Ohio-bashing,
> Lisa-worshipping, eye-poking, doorknob-cleaning, gas-guzzling,
> cat-raping forum for iconoclastic idiomatic cliquish aggrandizement.
> What happened?
>
> You owe the Questioner a good answer and some of Lisa's toenail polish.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah!  YEAH!  Damn right.  A steady influx of dweebs and retirement of
} good old boys, that's the problem.  Used to be only devoted,
} industrious, honest-to-God neurotic closet comedians spoke to Me.  Or at
} least genuine scruff-ball hackers.  Why, when I was a youngster, we had
} to deliver E-Mail by hand, and go back the next day to verify reception
} in person.  None of this pansy mailer daemon stuff.  We used to crawl on
} our hands and knees, dragging our faces along the asphalt for hundreds
} of miles just to get a question to the then Oracle.  Then we would
} perform devotional services which involved hacking off our limbs
} repeatedly, roasting them on a spit and eating them with A-1 sauce, just
} so the Oracle would give us a good answer.  Then the Oracle retired and
} I took over, and I tell you it's been downhill ever since.  Not a SINGLE
} person has barbequed his liver for Me since I don't know when.
} Obnoxious twerps just call Me names, give me stupid answers when I quiz
} them and keep trying to get at my sweetheart, the BIG L.  Makes Me wish
} for the good old days before Federal regulations prevented Me from
} frying petitioners for the hell of it, but now I need to get my DOD
} grant renewed every year and can only fry the people they want fried, so
} I get no respect.
}
} I'll forgive you for asking for Lisa's toenail polish because I can see
} you're one of the last remaining, disgruntled good-old-boys.  And 'cause
} I'm not allowed to fry you anyway, dammit.  Just send Me a check and
} I'll endorse it over to the war effort.  (Sigh)


259-02    (29232 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Please answer this, my question: Why won't AEJ give me a bigger quota?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoho, I think it's time to consult the new Oracular Acronym Database!
}
} ** Welcome to Oracular Database Machine **
} Login : Oracle
} Password :
} You have Mail
} --
}   No News is good News
} --
}
} $ oad -f AEJ
} oad : illegal option --f
} usage : oad -adlLrvz [names] [files]
} $ man oad
}
} oad(1)       (Oracle Essential Utilities)               oad(1)
}
}
} NAME
}     oad - oracle acronym database, list and updates all the acronyms the
} oracle (the great) might find in the silly human questions.
}
} DESCRIPTION
}
}      Option -a adds an acronym to the database. Usage : -a name file1
}      [file2] where file1 is the definition of acronym name and file2 the
}      database file if file2 is not specified /etc/acro/database is used
}
}      Option -d delete an acronym from the database.
}      Usage : -d name [file] delete acronym name from database file
}      if file is not specified /etc/acro/database is used
}
}      Option -l list all the definitions of an acronym.
}      Usage : -l name [file] : list all definitions from acronym name in
}      database file. If file is not specified /etc/acro/database is used
} ^D
} $ oad -l AEJ
} ** connected to acronym database, using /etc/acro/database
}
} American Eminent Journalist : The reason for the quota is very simple.
} As there are far more journalist in the gulf than soldiers, the
} american governement is afraid that journalists decide that Kuwait is a
} nice place to live and and expel irakis and soldiers.
}
} Abortion Electric Jukebox : A machine where are recorded all the songs
} and all the speechs against and for abortion.  I'm sorry but your quota
} is of five records only.
}
} Army Expensive Jaguar :  Dear Mr Major, since the beginning of the war
} you've alredy lost 6 planes, be more carefull next time and you will
} maybe have some more to play with.
}
} Association of English Jazzmen : To inprove you quota of groupies it
} would be easier if you would stop singing. Or at least not while blowing
} your horn.
}
} Amstrad Enormous Junk : They make machines that looks like computers,
} that taste likes computers but that are not computers. They can't give
} you a bigger quota because they no longer exist.
}
} > MSG from alan.sugar@amstrad.notdead : Say that again and I withdraw
} all my money from Oracularies-in-need fund!
} > EOF
} oops I think I mistaked amstrad with Amdhal!
}
}
} *** WARNING : AEJ (Acronym End of Job) : You have reach your quota ***
} Disconnected
} $
}
} You owe the oracle a reason while he cannot get a bigger quota from his
} acronym database.


259-03    (14a21 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O great, wise, omniscient Oracle, I have a very puzzling
> question.  What does UNIX have to do with cheese graters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   UNIX has about as much to do with cheese graters as ms-dos has to do
} with coffee-makers.  That is to say, quite a lot.
}
}   It is a little known, and often misunderstood fact that many everyday
} kitchen appliances are running various operating systems.  In fact,
} almost every household machine is under the command of some sort of
} convoluted set of instructions.
}
}   UNIX and ms-dos have the run of the kitchen, while the lamps and
} fireplace in the livingroom is under the control of CP/M.  (You always
} wondered why fires never seemed to start too easily....) The bedroom is
} often the domain of a little-known, non-disk based operating system
} which tends to cause the floors to be intolerably cold.
}   How, you might ask, are these systems implemented in such a small
} place as a doorknob or cheese grater?  Well, the Oracle, in his magestic
} cognizance shall answer!  There are two factors involved here:
} Molecular computer engineering, and slow speed.  If you have ever
} noticed, attempts to use a cheese grater in time-sharing mode are either
} very slow, or very difficult to arrange for.  It is a scientifically
} proven fact that should two persons wish to use a cheese grater, at the
} same time, conflict will occur and one will have to wait for the other.
} This is a result to the crude implementation of UNIX on that item.
} Items with a faster operating system like beds and tables tend to be
} much better at time-sharing.
}
}   You owe the Oracle a Ronco Salad Shooter (tm).


259-04    (01782 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Howdy!  I just flew in from DM39845734-123, and I'm sort of new to
> Earth.  What knid of advice can you give to a vaguely-humaniod alien,
> for living on Earth?
>                                    May your Glork always be in tune,
>                                             Xaaxxnaisia Clockurg, III

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DM39845734-123 eh?  I love that place.  Do you remember the Xerkon on
} 32.5nd avenue near the Mqiq hotel?  I used to spend a lot of time
} there with three... umm... never mind.  Suffice it to say that the
} Oracle's sex life is not limited to sacrificial virgins.
}
} Earth can be a very confusing place.  For example, you tear open sugar
} bags but not tea bags.  You can buy a compact disc but not a full sized
} disc.  A can of bug spray contains no insect parts at all.  A tax
} break is a good thing.  People eat cheeze whiz instead of using it as
} insulation.  Lawyers are highly paid.  People use a dictionary when
} they can't spell a word.  Electronic networks are used primarily to
} exchange light bulb jokes and purity tests.  Showers do not have
} automatic temperature regulators.  Real people have last names like
} Zygmuntowicz and expect other people to remember how to pronounce it.
} Latex is a kind of plastic, but LaTeX is a typesetting program.  Air,
} heir, and err are pronounced the same.
}
} In short, humans are crazy.  Don't trust them, and don't eat their
} food.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice vacation to Alpha Centari.


259-05    (25740 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was::

> Ebble obble oobble oh?
> Argh ai k'tagh airf'k k'tec kk't'harhg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows all, sees all. From your question I see you are
} wondering perhaps more than a little bit about that extra leg
} you have growing out of your shoulder, and why everyone but you
} and the dog seems to speak a different language. Luckily you
} have chosen to ask me, the omniscient, omnipresent, omniverous
} Usenet Oracle. The asnwer to your question is rather simple, but
} first I'd like you to complete this little questionaire(for the
} viewers at home).
}
} 1) Do you live downstream from an operating nuclear facility?
} 2) Do you close the microwave door before the light comes on and the
}    food gets warm?
} 3) Is there a large flat area on the top of your head, perhaps from
}    a childhood accident?
} 4) Is it just a coincidence that your mother's maiden name is the same
}    as her married name?
} 5) Does the pope shit in the woods?
} 6) If changing from straight-line to sum-of-the-years-digits
}    depreciation method, what effect will this have on retained earnings?
} 7) Does it rotate clockwise or counterclockwise?
} 8) Where does it itch?
} 9) Do you have access to any lethal weapons?
} 10) Is there any reason for you to go on living?
}
} If you answered the first nine questions, then the answer to the last
} one is no. Take the weapon of your choice and promptly do yourself in.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing. He is always relieved to rid the world of
} horrible genetic disasters.


259-06    (23643 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most-triumphantly wise and powerful and all knowing and stuff,
> please answer my most-residential query:
>
> Yesterday I began a war in residence by emptying a container of garlic
> salt into a member-of-the-opposite-sex's popcorn.  She responded by
> lacing my most-laboured-over chicken stew with toxic amounts of NaCl.
> Should I escalate the war by dragging my neighbors into it?  Should I
> appoint a mediator to resolve the conflict?  Or, should I conduct an 11
> day aerial bombardment of the residence that she lives in?
>
> Oh Oracle most wise, what would the Gipper do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Gipper would take a nap.  By the time he woke up, all would have
} been forgotten.  This, however, is not YOUR best course of action.  The
} Oracle thinks that you ought not to drag your neighbors into it; one
} wonders how they would react if they were suddenly to find themselves in
} a bucket of garlic-flavored popcorn or a pot of industrially seasoned
} chicken stew.
}
}   You could appoint a mediator.  That's the wimp's way out.  You don't
} want her to think you're a wimp, do you?  Of course not.  Bombing her
} home would be, the Oracle thinks, just a tad excessive.
}
}   You want to respond in kind.  This, my friend, is only the beginning
} of what will become known as the War of the Four Seasonings.  The Oracle
} has forseen that this will be a long and bloody conflict, but that you
} will eventually bring your opponent to her knees.  (Once she is on her
} knees, only the Oracle knows where things will go from there.)  Your
} first move must be to place onion juice in your opponent's mouthwash.
} She will retaliate in due thyme, but that shouldn't be a problem for an
} old salt like yourself.
}
}   You owe the Oracle a copy of "Scarborough Fair."


259-07    (35235 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me please O mighty Oracle why we have to do this assignment.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to do that assignment because the great penguin in the sky has
} spoken!
}                  . --- .
}                /         \
}               |  O  _  O  |
}               |  ./   \.  |
}               /  `-._.-'  \          "Do this assignment!!!!!!!"
}             .' /         \ `.
}         .-~.-~/           \~-.~-.
}     .-~ ~    |             |    ~ ~-.
}     `- .     |             |     . -'
}          ~ - |             | - ~
}              \             /
}            ___\           /___
}            ~;_  >- . . -<  _i~
}               `'         `'
} Now do as you're told! And then the penguin won't get mad and set draggy
} on you:
}                 ^    ^
}                / \  //\
}  |\___/|      /   \//  .\
}  /O  O  \__  /    //  | \ \           Isn't it amazing what  can  fly
} /     /  \/_/    //   |  \  \         past  when  you're  not  doing
} @___@'    \/_   //    |   \   \       your assignment as you should
}    |       \/_ //     |    \    \     have been doing!
}    |        \///      |     \     \
}   _|_ /   )  //       |      \     _\
}  '/,_ _ _/  ( ; -.    |    _ _\.-~        .-~~~^-.
}  ,-{        _      `-.|.-~-.           .~         `.
}   '/\      /                 ~-. _ .-~      .-~^-.  \
}      `.   {            }                   /      \  \
}    .----~-.\        \-'                 .~         \  `. \^-.
}   ///.----..>    c   \             _ -~             `.  ^-`   ^-_
}     ///-._ _ _ _ _ _ _}^ - - - - ~                     ~--,   .-~
}
} I wouldn't argue with that one if I were you, otherwise you'll owe the
} Oracle one frazzled body!


259-08    (25650 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does man love more than life;
> Hate more than death or mortal strife--
>       That which contented man desires,
>       The poor have
>       The rich require,
>       The misers spend,
>       The spend-thifts save,
>       And all carry to their graves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Belly button lint.  Let's get real here, the Oracle is for dispensing
} answers to life-meaningful questions, not answering contrived (albeit
} well-written and harmoniously parsed) riddles.  Get a life, chum. If
} you're so hot at poetry (and indeed, from your question to the Oracle it
} is clear that you are highly skilled at indentation) then you should be
} sending "ask me"s, not "tell me"s and donating your not inconsiderable
} abilities to the service of the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle an inspirational poem addressed to "any soldier".


259-09    (43461 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Marvellously Musty, Mothballed Misanthropic Mental Misfit of Usenet,
>
> How long should I bake the mixture while I'm making ostrich egg/seaweed
> quiche, and should I use just one dash of turpentine or two? I want
> George to really like it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} --Excerpt from "Cooking With the Oracle for Fun, Profit, and Revenge"--
}
}                    OSTRICH EGG / SEAWEED QUICHE
}
} 1/6 ostrich egg, slightly beaten
} 4 cups assorted Atlantic seaweed
} 1 cup Pacific seaweed
} 4 oz. Swiss goat's milk cheese
} Cinnamon and nutmeg to taste
}
} In a large bowl, mix half the Atlantic seaweed with the Pacific seaweed
} using an electric mixer set at warp factor six. Turn the mixer down to
} impulse speed and add in the cheese and spices. Stir the egg in by hand.
} Let sit for 3 minutes, 21 seconds. Bake in preheated 350 degree oven for
} six hours or until your in-laws arrive.
} (Microwave directions: Same as above, but do not preheat microwave. Cook
} on medium for 45 seconds or until microwave explodes from the fumes.)
}
} ----------End of excerpt from Oracle cookbook--------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a recipe for pie crust made from kelp, otter skins,
} and a certain person's caps lock key. DwH


259-10    (35541 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens when the teenage mutant ninja turtles grow up???  Will they
> be adult mutant ninja turtles???  Will they get real jobs???  And who
> actually delivers pizza in the sewers???  How do mutants pay for
> pizza???  Please answer and relieve me of this stressful unknowing
> feeling!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the Oracle has seen many questions pondering this and will grant
} unto thee the answer to this.  I'll simply see what God has in Store for
} them.
}
} Telnet heaven.com
} Heaven.com connected.
} login: Oracle
} password:
}
} [1] cd /the_future
} [2] cd /tmnj
} [3] cat short_term
} The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will rise in popularity, in all forms.
} Their cartoons will be moved to Saturday mornings where all real
} cartoons should be.  Their tour will demand a 2nd album which will be
} more popular than New Kids on the Block.  They will continue to climb
} the ladder of success.
} [4] cat long_term
} After riching super-star status and getting older, the turtles will
} eventually break up, each to persue their own independent goals.
} Michealangelo will marry Penthouse centerfold of April '99 whose
} favorite fantasy is to have a man who can't get up off his back.
} Rapheal will develop a drug problem and be found dead in his hotel room
} after he shoots a television set. For years to come, people will gather
} in the sewers on his birthday to pay homage and several rapheal
} sightings will occur all over the world.  The rest of the turtles join
} the Monkees on tour and live out their life with a mediocre existence.
} [5]
} Message from God@heaven.com
} Since when did YOU care what happened to the Turtles?
}
} [5] message god@heaven.com
} I don't, but some earth fool asked so I might as well answer. Hey, WHo
} delivers their pizza's and how do they pay?
}
} [6]
} Message from God@heaven.com
} Dominoes, delivers anywhere, in less than 30 minutes.  And they pay with
} a credit card they got off a 1-900 number in the middle of the night.
}
} [6]message god@heaven.com
} Thanks, Must Dash, Lisa said there would be something special for me
} tonight when I get home.
}
} [7] exit
} Connection closed.
}
} There's your answer. You owe the Oracle a full set of Teenage Nonja
} Mutant turtles action figures.


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