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25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 15:18:46 GMT

Internet Oracularities #26

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Usenet Oracularities #26
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 21 Oct 89 17:37:25 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


26-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When did Janis Joplin's pimp roast Jane Fonda?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just between you and me, Jane Fonda is (or was) the United States'
} secret weapon against the growing spread of Communism, Liberalism,
} Feminism, and exercise.  This might seem contradictory, but when you
} think about it, having a ditzy actress as spokesperson for these ideals
} does more damage to them then anything else.  Janis Joplin's pimp, being
} a good card-carrying- ACLU-member, roasted her last July.  Any recent
} appearances of Jane Fonda were clones.  Keep this under your hat, ok?
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Illuminatus Trilogy." The Oracle has
} verbalized.


26-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can smell the Lipton's tea on your breath, huh, you screwball field
> mouse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ERROR: Question too stupid.
} NFS File Server Oracle not responding
} NFS File Server Oracle OK
} Loading Oracle.alt... done
}
} Sorry, I don't drink tea.  It corrodes my circuits.
}
} You owe the Oracle a marsupial.
} The Oracle has verbalized.


26-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I ordered a Grand Marnier ice cream with maraschino cherry, they brought
> me a blueberry cake with walnuts and candied orange peel, and so I ended
> up eating a raspberry cheesecake with maraschino cherry, because of the
> Stalinists.  Why did this have to happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If the Stalinists had kept their walnut and orange covered communistic
} blueberry cake, the yin and yang of world peace would be in jeopardy of
} being unbalanced and this would cause the Total Order of Things Yet To
} Come to become almost as messed up as someone who _volunarily_ studies
} Physics for enjoyment.  But this would still not explain the early snow
} fall received by parts of the United States, according to my weather
} database.  The lack of the marachino cherry can be readily explained by
} carefull examination of recently published statistics.  Your chances of
} marrying a virgin are less than 1 in 7.  Thus, by simple math, the
} chances of two virgins marrying is less than 1 in 49.  This explains why
} the Stalinists revolutionaries were unable to supply you with a
} marashino cherry.  Cherries are simply in too short supply to waste by
} endowing them upon ice cream.
}
} A recent survey conducted by the Oracle indicates that eight out of ten
} Satlinists would serve blueberry cake with walnuts in lieu of Grand
} Marnier ice cream if stranded on a desert island.  In a similar vein,
} 100% of all physicians surveyed said they would not need aspirin if
} there were no lawyers present on the same desert island.
}
} But this still does not {P{{{ and then remove the chains, preferably
} using only your mouth.  This should solve both of your problems.  BTW,
} use lime jello for a delightful change.
}
} ** ERROR IN LINE 81934a RECOMPILE AND RESEND MAIL IN THE MORNING


26-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that all the truly fabulous babes *aren't* in Computer
> Science?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you haven't figured it out yet, my explaination won't be much help to
} you.  Women suffer from the psycological phenomena called "computer
} envy." Like its sister phenomenum "penis envy," women see computers as a
} distinctly male appendage.  They see computers as something wished for
} and yet never really attainable.  Something that is the essence of man.
} The oracle, having all necessary parts for self reproduction already
} attached at birth, doesn't fall prey to the typical human weakness, and
} therefore has no qualms about stroking the keys on a keyboard.  This
} brings us to the crux of the "babe" problem.  Whilest good-looking women
} have no problem finding a human male to release their pent up
} frustrations.  The lesser-looking women, through no fault of their own,
} have more trouble finding outlets.  You can hear comments such as "The
} keys on the keyboard were quite firm today" or "The keyboard and I were
} as one today" coming from the women who frequent the computers labs of
} all great universities.  You can also find out how a women will be in a
} human sexual situation by how they use a keyboard.  *** Warning to human
} males, avoid the women who are seen hitting and beating on the keyboard,
} unless you happen to have a strong seditive!  *** Do strike up
} conversations with the women who talk to their terminals, and bluntly
} ask to have sex with the ones who stroke and fondle their keyboards with
} loving care.  This is all the informat allowed to give to you.  The rest
} you'll have to find out by yourself.  Happy hunting.


26-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle,
> How can you tell if a man is really sleazy?  what clues let you know
> that a guy is just out for another notch on the old bedpost, as opposed
> to something meaningful?
>
> Thanx.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are some generally helpful tests:
}
} (1) A notched-up bedpost.  (This is pretty definitive, but many sleazy
}     men are getting smart and use metal bedposts, with the notches
}     micro-engraved.  Bring a jeweler's loupe.)
}
} (2) The usual signs of sexual arousal are also pretty definiative.
}     Never trust a man with an erection.
}
} (3) Male genital organs are a pretty sure sign as well.
}
} (4) A large income is a virtual guarantee of sleaze -- he'll treat you
}     as something to buy.
}
} (5) A small income is a virtual guarantee of sleaze -- he's just doing
}     it so you will support him.
}
} (6) Breathing.  Heavy or not.
}
} BTW, the same apply for lesbians (especially #3)
}
} You owe the oracle a new outlook on life.


26-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does anyone give a hoot about Zsa-Zsa.  And who gave her that dippy
> name, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But dahling, Zsa-Zsa has been an inspiration to us all.  I couldn't even
} count all the hours I spent as a child dressing up in Mommy's jewelry
} and furs imitating Zsa-Zsa in front of the mirror instead of going out
} and playing baseball with the guys.  "New York is where I'd rather be
} ...", I'd sing at the top of my squeaky pre-adolescent lungs.  Ah, those
} were the days ...
}
} You owe the Oracle your most embarrassing childhood nostalgia.


26-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is LISP a communist plot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Fortran and Cobol were communist plots, designed to force
} programmers to obey all kinds of arbitrary rules and thereby become
} indoctrinated.  Lisp is the expression of complete programming freedom.
} It's an *anarchist* plot -- and the anarchists hate the communists.
}
} You owe the oracle a pipe bomb.


26-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is my calculator broken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two days ago, you filled your calculator with hydrochloric acid.  Then
} you put it in the gamma-ray laser.  Then you whacked it eleven times
} with a 10-pound sledgehammer.  Then you put it in the compression
} chamber and turned it up to 2,000 psi.  Then you rubbed lipstick all
} over it.  Then you threw it off of a twelfth-floor balcony.  Then you
} threw it to the sharks of Madagascar.  Then you dropped a 1.2 megaton
} nuclear warhead on it.  Then you sawed it in half with a hacksaw.  Then
} you ran it through a Kitchenaid mixer's meat grinder attachment.  Then
} you dropped it in a black hole.  Then you stomped on it, and bit it with
} your teeth, and insulted it horribly.
}
} That's why it doesn't work.
}
} You owe the oracle two nicad batteries.


26-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I standing in Times Square, naked except for a paisley necktie, a
> dildo, and a corset?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because, my son, you are a Reformist Hare Krishna Voodoo Cult Druggie
} Biker Neo-Maxi Zoom-Dweebie.
} The paisley necktie represents the universe.  The corset represents the
} boundaries, ever-shrinking, of the universe.  The dildo represents the
} lonely woman in comfortable shoes.  Times Square represents making a lot
} of noise and getting money thrown into the hat at your feet until you
} SHUT THE FUCK UP.
} You owe the Oracle the dildo and 5 chocalate chip cookies.


26-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh pulsating pink and perky one, how can you stop gerbils
> exploding when you shag them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} you are the despicable lout.
}
} use duct tape


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