} Seeker of wisdom and weather reports--
} Consider. It is nearly February, and we Northerners are just
} about due for the worst month of weather in the entire calender year.
} The oracle HIGHLY recommends any kind of road trip to lands sunnier,
} happier, and drunker than our own (although this third stipulation may
} be difficult to find). However, the oracle does have strong opninions
} on where in the South to visit.
} Let's start in the United States...
} The Blue-Ridge Mts.--This is a part of the world where certain people
} are, through legal technicalities and in-breeding, their own
} grandparents. The oracle recommends staying away from here unless you
} have a penchant for crumpled, stained Playboy magazines and Beverly
} Hillbillies re-runs.
} Anywhere along the Southeastern coast--You're talking one of the most
} gorgeous places on the face of the earth. Watching the sun rise over
} the South Carolina coast is among the most deeply moving of the
} oracle's memories. Of course, the oracle personally has known females
} to return from such places with other people's chromosomes in their
} bodies (nudge, nudge...).
} New Orleans--Sultry nights and steaming cool jazz. This is the
} oracle's idea of a vacation. Even the food is sensual.
} Alabama--See "Blue-Ridge Mts." Much of the same applies.
} Texas--This is where "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" took place. Chew
} on that.
} Tennesee, Mississippi, Kentucky--Nice, but they have that funny
} accent. The oracle finds particularly annoyance in the way they say
} "Opry" instead of "Opera." Also, some people in this areaa think they
} can make Italian food. As this particular writer is of that heritage,
} he can attest to the fact that they can't tell prosciutto from
} Graceland--Elvis, contrary to popular belief, is dead. Very dead.
} Anyone who believes the National Enquirer article that he's living in
} seclusion among the Pueblo Indians should be sent out on a solo
} mission to rescue Gilligan, the Skipper, the millionaire and his wife,
} the movie star, the professor, and Mary Ann. Besides, the oracle has
} strong aversions for greasy hair and weepy middle-aged women.
} Niagra, Canada--Now here's a spectacular place. Strip joints like you
} wouldn't believe and the legal drinking age is only 19. So, if you're
} looking for...(oops, sorry. The oracle started onto one of his
} phallic tangents. It won't happen again. Well, it won't happen again
} in Canada).
} MEXICO (esp. Tiajuana, or is it Marijuana?)--Mexico, where the
} prostitutes are ever-affordable and the tequila floweth freely all day
} long. If the oracle were headed South, this is where he'd be. The
} oracle has a place in his heart for tequila. But then again, he also
} has a hole in his liver due to it...
} Other Latin American countries--they make Mexico look like the epitome
} of well-being and civilization. Don't even bother.
} And for the finale...
} if by "South" you mean: way the hell out of anyone's reach, they can't
} get me by television, telephone, fax, even the Pony Express can't come
} Well, then there's the South Pacific. The oracle himself has never
} seen this place, but from the looks of all the women in Gaugin's
} paintings, it would appear very inviting. The oracle once had a
} homosexual physics teacher who would frequently take off for Tahiti.
} (This IS the truth). I imagine that these lovers must have found it a
} stimulating and erotic environment.
} You owe the Oracle: A bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila, the AAA triptiks
} for: Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, Tennesee, and Louisiana, a
} National Geographic article on the Mezcal worm, and a copy of _The
} Accidental Tourist_ by Ayn Rand.