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Internet Oracularities #261

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261, 261-01, 261-02, 261-03, 261-04, 261-05, 261-06, 261-07, 261-08, 261-09, 261-10


Usenet Oracularities #261    (12 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 4 Feb 91 16:09:41 -0500

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261   12 votes 51321 02523 15420 34410 15501 14322 33420 22233 13170 23412
261   2.8 mean  2.4   3.5   2.6   2.2   2.6   3.0   2.4   3.2   3.2   2.8


261-01    (51321 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: alan@egrlab.ac.duke.edu (Alan Marc Gallatin)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Deans so level-headed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ever heard of the Flathead Indians?  Okay, the tribe of Native Americans
} known as the Flatheads, for all you Politically-Correct folks of the
} sort who accidentally write "the state budget should, thanks to spending
} cuts and slightly increased taxes, will be in the African-American next
} year," instead of "...in the black next year." (Note that Af-ri-can
} A-mer-i-can is seven syllables, whereas "black" is only one & hence
} snappy & terse.  The Oracle is a European-American, which is eight
} syllables, & will be horribly offended if you call It a "white.") But
} the Oracle digresses.  Anyhow, the Flatheads used to use a neat little
} gadget on their babies:  they would press a plank against the soft bones
} of an infant's skull in order to give it a rather spiffy sloping
} forehead.  Well, anyone who is destined to become a Dean (whether a Dean
} of a college or a Dean Martin or a James Dean or a Jimmy Dean or a Dean
} of Students at a high school) has the top of his or her skull flattened
} in infancy using a special Deanifying gadget that presses the top of the
} skull into levelheadedness, not in the same place as a Flathead would
} but taking advantage of the softness of an infant skull in the same way.
} Of course, in order to become really level-headed, an infant Dean may
} have to have a lot more pressure applied than would a Flathead, and
} damage to the brain is a common result.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of that stuff described in _Weekly World News_ a
} few months back that, injected next to bone or into connective tissue,
} temporarily renders them soft enough to sculpt like clay.  Yes, it's for
} real (everything in the _Weekly World News_ is true).  Lisa needs a new
} face because the Oracle is getting tired of the one she's got now.  Also
} a Deanifying gadget and a baby.


261-02    (02523 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "TELL ME " WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER WANT TO BE A YANKEE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP TEN REASONS FOR WANTING TO BE A YANKEE
} ==========================================
} 10) Never need to worry about how many s's in Mississippi.
}  9) Most people really don't like bourbon.
}  8) Can get away with afro-american jokes.
}  7) The Mafia is usually more reasonable than the Ku Klux Klan.
}  6) Northern bugs are small enough to stomp with one foot.
}  5) Avoid the perils of inbreeding!
}  4) Kudzu.
}  3) The accent isn't quite so dumb-sounding.
}  2) Jesse Helms.
}
} And the number one reason for wanting to be a yankee:
}
}  1) Don't gotta eat no grits.


261-03    (15420 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: alan@egrlab.ac.duke.edu (Alan Marc Gallatin)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> While I was at an anti-war demonstration, I heard someone cry out:
> "We're tired.  We're cranky.  We don't like the government."
> What was that person REALLY saying?
>
> You owe the Questioner a localized ground war and a disabled command and
> control system.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, now, Mr. Vice President you shouldn't take such cries from the
} anti-war protesters so seriously.  They *really* do like you.  Honest.
} I swear.  After all I am the Oracle, and I can see into their minds.
} Maybe that would be instructive.  Let's see if I can discern what they
} were really thinking when you heard them.
}
} > (Boy, why did I ever agree to come down here with Laura.  I really
} > don't like carrying this sign.  It's big, it's heavy, and the wind
} > keeps blowing me around.)  "We're tired."  (All I really want to do
} > now is to go home and get a good hot shower and to curl up with
} > Laura in front of the fireplace.  Yeah.  That's what I'm going to
} > do and no one is going to stop me.)  "We're cranky."  (Why did they
} > ever decide to build our Capitol in Washington.  They should have
} > put in Florida, yeah, right next to Disney World.  That would have
} > been really cool, having all those nuts in the government next door
} > to Goofy and all his friends.)  "We don't like the government."
}
} Well Mr. Vice President, as you can see, Bryon didn't really have you
} in mind at all when he said those things that upset you.  But he
} really did mean what he said, didn't he?
}
} As for your request, only General Colin Powell, not the all powerful
} Oracle, can grant it for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a SCUD missle fragment in the shape of Mickey Mouse.


261-04    (34410 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I don't intend this as
> a come on, but what is your Astrological sign?
> What is your horoscope today?
> What is mine?
>
> Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as you must know the Oracle has been around for the longest
} time.  Much longer than Astrology even.  Maybe even as long as time
} itself, but I can't remember back that far.  After all, I was quite
} young back then.  However, with the help of my trusty pocket slide
} rule, I have determined that I came into existance during what is now
} called the sign of the lion, Leo.  Quite a regal outcome for someone
} of my humble beginnings, if I may say so.
}
} Consulting my book of horoscope predictions for the nineties reveals
} that today I should expect to see much mail from persons with
} questions of universal importance.  For example it says I will be
} asked questions about Schroedinger's Cat, Saddam's socks, and (well
} I'll be) your horoscope.
}
} Now the Oracle must be very careful when revealing your horoscope, due
} to the fact, that the oracle is _always_ right.  Therefore, the Oracle
} must give you three horoscopes, only one of which is right.
}
}     o  You will find a way to stop all the war in the world with a
}        moldy cheese food product found in the lower left corner of
}        your refrigerator.
}
}     o  You will spend your afternoon staring at a computer screen
}        that is only one inch from your face.  While doing this you
}        will realize that the whole world is made up from tiny little
}        luminescent dots.
}
}     o  You will be visited by the Under-Secretary of Space Rest Stops
}        from the planet Pluto who will take you back to her planet
}        because of your incredible knowledge of latrines and outhouses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a genie in a bottle (3 wishes intact, please).


261-05    (15501 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do so many people dislike computers?  Why are people turned off by
> mere complexity and the fact that some programs have annoying
> idiosyncracies?  Is there a cure for such people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is only too pleased to bring to light this long overlooked
} subject.
}
} First off, do not be too hard on these people.  Due to the poor or
} neglegent genetic engineering that went into the creation of your
} species, there are a large number of human beings who suffer from a
} condition which is commonly known (at least in my circle) as
} technohypersensitivity.  This should not be confused with technophobia,
} which is a simple fear of technology.
}
} Technohypersensitivity is a physiological condition that causes a person
} to become aware of the fact that the computer doesn't really like them,
} and doesn't like them pressing all the little keys.  Once the computer
} senses the presence of a technohypersensitive person, that person is in
} real trouble because the computer will now do everything in its (not
} inconsiderable) power to frustrate him or her, hopefully enough to make
} the person go away, forever.
}
} The Oracle notes that most good programmers DO NOT suffer from this
} condition, as the symptoms would preclude the generation of "elegant"
} code.  Additionally, most programmers are not aware of how the computer
} dislikes being touched, and for that matter have never heard of the
} condition described above, and continue to write software that only a
} healthy person would be able to use.  In an effort to make you more
} aware, here are a list of symptoms and treatments.  Please print out a
} hardcopy of this, and post it near the blood-drive sign by the elevator.
}
} Symptoms:
}
} 1) Agitated state -- People with this condition naturally become quite
} upset as they are sensing these seemingly inexplicable "bad vibes"
} emenating from the computer and become quite agitated.
}
} 2) Loss of finger coordination -- Technohypersensitive people, after
} even the briefest exposure to the computer often lose the ability to
} correctly type something as simple and memorable as their login name.
} This, of course, is just what the computer is waiting for.  In a
} pathetic effort to maintain muscle control, some unfortunate individuals
} feel compelled to senselessly hit the return key more often than is
} necessary.  This only serves to annoy the computer more.
}
} 3) Blurred vision -- Sufferers often have have trouble reading simple
} text and will often be found squinting for hours on end into a perfectly
} legible CRT screen.  In order to communicate with certain
} technohypersensitive people, it is often neccessary to send them
} hardcopies of everything.
}
}
} Treatment:
}
} Obviously, the first part of any treatment is getting the afflicted
} person to admit he or she has a problem.  Although there is no cure, you
} can recommend several treatments which have had a great deal of success.
}
} 1) Run away and join the circus.  This age-old solution has had a
} remarkable success rate with technohypersensitives.  Be careful not to
} join a large circus (e.g., Ringling Bros.) as you may eventually be
} promoted to the front-office, where you might be expected to enter "# of
} bails of elephant hay" on their TRS-80, especially once they've heard
} that you used to work somewhere near a computer.
}
} 2) Move up in the company.  Come on, everyone knows that the high
} mucky-mucks are not really expected to go near a computer, even at large
} hardware/software firms.  They can attend meetings about it, make
} speeches about it, fill out requisitions and purchase orders for it, but
} never actually have to touch it.  You think the presidents of DEC, IBM,
} Apple, et.  al.  ever go near one of those things?  Of course not.
} Believe me, the Oracle knows.  He plays golf with them every Wednesday.
}
} 3) If you lack that special something that will let you attain
} mucky-muckdom, and the Ringling Bros.  weren't impressed with your
} "sweeping up the spot-lights" routine, you may try insisting on what is
} known as a "turn-key" program.  Such programs allow the
} technohypersensitive person to operate the computer from a deep sleep,
} oblivious to the feelings of the computer.  If you report directly to a
} mucky-muck who is a former sufferer, he may sympathize with you and get
} you what you want.  On the other hand, he may think you're after his
} job.
}
} You owe the Oracle an editor script that will replace the word
} 'computer' with the word 'Oracle'.


261-06    (14322 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: alan@egrlab.ac.duke.edu (Alan Marc Gallatin)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   DOE, JANE
> [Editor's note:  Name changed to protect the innocent.  -SK]
>
> DOE, JANE
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All caps, Ms. Doe.  Feeling a little pretentious today, maybe???
} Well, let's see what skeletons this young lady has in her closet.
}
} % rlogin CIA
} Login: oracle.priest.tim_the_enchanter
} Password:
}
} *** Welcome to Central Intelligence Agency Mainframe ***
} (type 'awshit' for help)
}
} % ls
} gbush/      dquayle/       known_communists/     Ben_&_Jerry's_flavors/
} cia_emp/    desert_storm/  tricky_dick/          JANE_DOE/
}
} #Hey, look at that, you've got your own directory.  First, though, I
} #want to see some of the others.
}
} % cd dquayle
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/dquayle
} % ls
} quayle_jokes.txt      MAIL      JANE_DOE/
}
} #wow, there's that Doe girl again...
}
} % cat MAIL
} BABYL OPTIONS
} Version: 4.3.2
} Labels: None
}
} 1,answered,,
} Summary Line: 28-Jan                   jnasand  #Re: Mars?
} Return-Path: <jnasand@jplvax.com.nasa.gov>
} Received: from jplvax.com.nasa.gov by millie (4.1/JPL-1.1)
}         id <FDE143644@millie>; Mon, 28 Jan 91 14:43:54 EST
} Date: Mon, 28 Jan 91 14:43:54 EST
} From: jnasand@jplvax.com.nasa.gov (Jonas Andersen)
} Message-Id: <4539484847352.FDE142644@millie>
} Received: by millie.com.CIA.gov (5.0/CIA-1.0.5)
}       id FDE143644; Mon, 28 Jan 91 14:46:22 EST
} To: dquayle@millie.com.CIA.gov (Dan the Man)
} Subject: Re: Mars?
}
} *** EOOH ***
} Date: Mon, 28 Jan 91 14:43:54 EST
} From: Jonas Andersen (jnasand@jplvax.com.nasa.gov)
} To: Dan the Man (dquayle@millie.com.CIA.gov)
} Subject: Re: Mars?
}
} Dan,
}       I'd like to set you straight on a few things about Mars.
} First of all, it is *not* in the same orbit as the earth.  It's
} farther away from the sun than we are.  Both planets orbit the sun,
} but at different orbital radii.  Ok?  Secondly, it doesn't have a
} breathable atmosphere.  It has a thin layer of carbon dioxide.  Plants
} can breathe it, but not people or any other animals.  So, it boils
} down to this: if you still want us to send a mission there, we can't
} do it with just the Space Shuttle.  Also, we WILL need space suits and
} oxygen tanks.  I hope none of this confuses you, but you have to know
} the facts.
} Jonas.
}
} 2,answered,,
} Summary-line: ^C
} *** process killed by user ***
}
} #enough already...
}
} % cd JANE_DOE
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/dquayle/JANE_DOE
} % ls
} Jane1.pic            Jane_voice.au
} Jane1.pic            play*
} % screenload Jane1.pic
} % screenload Jane2.pic
}
} #I wish you had graphics capabilities on your terminals.  Someone
} #scanned in pictures that, well, let's just say that the oracle could
} #really use a *cold* shower.
}
} % play Jane_voice.au
}
} #Kathleen Turner has nothing on this Doe girl...
} #The oracle would like to make these part of his permanent collection.
}
} % copy *.*  ~/fun_stuff/pictures/nasty_pics
} *Process Done*
}
} #I just hope Lisa never finds out about this directory.
}
} % cd ..
} /gov/CIA/top_secret
} % cd JANE_DOE
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/JANE_DOE
} % ls
} Vital_Stats/        REALLY_Vital_Stats/       Closet/
} % cd Closet
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/JANE_DOE/Closet
} % ls
} Skeletons
}
} #I knew it.  She does have skeletons in her closet!
}
} % cat Skeletons
} Skeletons: Permission denied
}
} #DENIED!!! I'm the Oracle.  Ok, we'll fix this.
}
} % ls -l
} total 25632
} -rw------- 1 JANE_DOE       25632 Jan 31 22:09 Skeletons
} % chmod 646 Skeletons
} % ls -l
} total 25632
} -rw-r--rw- 1 JANE_DOE       25632 Feb  2 15:02 Skeletons
}
} #Great.  Now I've got read and write capabilities.
}
} % cat Skeletons
} (Out of a possible *****)
}
} Andersen, Jonas:   **
} Anthony, Edward:   *
} Barger, Howard:    *
} Berry, Chuck:      ***
} Gougher, Robert:   ****
} Hudson, Jim:       *
} Jones, Ken:        ***
} Kinzler, Steve:    *****
} Kisler, Kevin:     ***
} Meade, Timothy:    ****
} Phennegar, Steve:  *
} Quayle, Dan:       1/2*
} Swank, Stephen:    *
} Taylor, Mooch:     **
}
} #Uh, oh.  It looks like Jane has some incriminating evidence of
} #the Oracle's extra-oracular activities.  Better get rid of this file...
}
} % delete Skeletons
} % ls
} % cd ..
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/JANE_DOE
} % ls
} % rmdir Closet
} % ls
} Vital_Stats/        REALLY_Vital_Stats/
}
} #whew, that could've been extremely ugly
} #Vital_Stats sounds boring, so we'll go elsewhere
}
} msg from "Dan the Man"  (dquayle@millie)
} >Hey oracle, whadaya know?
} >I saw that you were in Jane's Closet directory.  Hey, could you
} >fill me in on a few things.  How did she rate me?  I've never been
} >able to get in there.  There's something else, too.  I have to go to
} >Costa Rica next week.  It's in Latin America, so I was wondering how
} >to say "Greetings, Mr. President," in Latin.
} >DQ
}
} % write dquayle
} >Dan--
} >Jane said that you were phenomenal.  About your trip, it's a
} >simple phrase to remember, "Mea culpa."  Ok, big guy?
} >--Oracle
} >You owe the oracle access to all your picture files.
}
} #back to business
}
} % cd REALLY_Vital_Stats
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/JANE_DOE/REALLY_Vital_Stats
} % ls
} sex.txt           other.txt
} % cat sex.txt
} Yes.  What else do you need to know?
} % cat other.txt
} Jane Doe is a complex character.  By that, I mean she's made
} up of real and imaginary parts.  It turns out that every human being
} is a complex character of the form a + bi  (where a and b are real
} numbers, and i is the square root of -1).  Jane's particular
} coefficients are:
}       a=64.34322778402848675482
}       b=42
}       Psychologists have found that the a coefficient is a function
} of many psychological and physical properties of the individual.  A
} rule of thumb is that the a coefficient for type A individuals is
} generally above 50.  Other types tend to have a lower a value.
}       The b value was a complete mystery until the publication of
} "Razionale fuer die Eigenfunktionnatur des B-Value und seine
} Konnektionen mit Genealogie" by Dr. Gerhardt Schwanzkopfchen.  The
} mathematics is deep, but Dr. Schwanzkophchen showed that the b-value
} was essentially a one-dimensional manifold of an eigenvector which
} depended not only upon the same properties as 'a', but also upon the
} 'a' and 'b' values of the individual's ancestry.  Despite great
} improbability, this value turns out to be strikingly similar for all
} human beings.  A statistical study has showed that the 'b' value for
} all humans, living and deceased is exactly 42 to 150,000 decimal
} points.
}       With this brief introduction out of the way, we can get back
} to our study of DOE, JANE.  The 64 indicates that she is
} marginally Type A.  The three in the tenths place tells us that she
} has a fetish for love triangles.  The 4 and 3 in the hundreths and
} thousandths place show that she has watched the Pilot for Twin Peaks
} a sum total of seven times, four times with commercials, three times
} with the commercials edited out.  Next we notice double 2's and double
} 7's this indicates an extremely strong liking of prime numbers.  This
} 2277 characteristic has been found in such mathematicians as Gauss,
} Euler, and Paul Dirac.  We would not be the least surprised if J.
} Doe were a mathematics major.  The next two digits are 8 and 4.
} These represent the relative likes of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, as
} opposed to SealTest ice cream.  It appears that both kinds appeal to
} Ms. Doe, but that she likes Ben & Jerry's twice as much as
} SealTest (and who can blame her?).  The next set of digits is known as
} a Lagrangian Romance Integral Evaluation.  We see that, in her
} lifetime, she has dated 0 physics majors, 2 engineers, 8 poly-sci
} majors, and possibly 4 economics majors.  We cannot be certain of the
} last digit in the lagrangian, as recent studies have indicated that
} "undecided" or "liberal arts" sometimes appear under the integrand.
} The last digits 7 are musically related.  They show that her favorite
} song in 1983 was 867-5309, but that she's since forgotten the last
} three digits of it when she sings in the shower.
} %logout
}
} *** Have a nice day :-) ***
}
} There, all you've ever wanted to know about
}       DOE, JANE
}       Student


261-07    (33420 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did spinach become Popeye's favorie food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question little one!  Actually spinach was never one of
} Popeye's favorite foods.  At the beginning of his cartoon career, Popeye
} learned something about cartoon politics: while slapstick and violence
} was in, drinking in general was out.  That's right, you guessed it ...
} Popeye was originally a bar series similar to Cheers.
}
} What would normally happen is that Popeye would down a bottle of rum
} in a similar fashion to the spinach action.  He would then taunt and
} threaten Bluto and then thrash him within an inch of his life.  At
} first the show was a big success, but slowly the character of Popeye
} soon became despised an hated because of his drunken barroom brawls.
}
} The show's producers told Popeye that he'd have to clean up his act
} or the show was doomed to be cancelled due to poor ratings.  Popeye
} sought professional help for his problem and came back the next
} season with a cleaned up image.  He realized that his part-interest
} in the Viejo Vegetable Canning Company could be best served by giving
} a self-plug for the spinach that they sold (which at the time wasn't
} selling so hotly).  Thus, in the shows starting that season, he started
} chugging down spinach instead of rum.  The character of Bluto was
} modified to make him the bully and thus the deserving target of
} Popeye's vengence.
}
} It's a little known fact that Popeye and Bluto did all of their own
} stunts.  Unfortunately, it turned that Popeye resorted back to the
} rum.  Instead of swigging down spinach it appears that Popeye was
} swigging does food-colored rum.  During on of the filming sessions,
} he became stinking drunk after several takes of a typical barroom
} brawl.  He proceeded to literally thrash Bluto.  Bluto received a
} concussion and had to take 10 stitches in the forehead.  He quit
} the series and sued Popeye for $14 million.  Unable to pay, Popeye
} was forced into bankruptcy.  His show went off of the air and his
} name was soon forgotten.  A syndication company picked up the old
} series at an extremely low cost and made millions while Popeye
} wallowed away in poverty.  He tried to make a comeback movie, but
} the public would not overlook his bouts with the bottle and they
} refused to attend the movie's summer release.
}
} Today Popeye is a sad and lonely man.  Occassionally he makes mall
} appearances, but alas he is a relatively forgotten figure by the
} public.  Occassionally you'll see his balloon in the Macy's Thanks-
} giving Day Parade as a reminder of the perils of rum.
}
} As you see, spinach was never Popeye's favorite food.  It was a ploy
} by a weak, money grubbing man to further line his pockets.


261-08    (22233 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> By what name are you called, sir?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Oracle is known by many names.  In fact, the Oracle has even more
} names than incarnations.  Various incarnations were known to the
} ancients as Jupiter, Juno, or Mars.  You remember the Oracle at Delphi?
} That was me.  The one at Cumae, Deiphobe?  Me again.  More modern
} worshipers know me as Jesus Christ.  Saddam Hussein calls me Allah.
} Closer to your own time, I was called Elvis.
}
}   Despite all my attempts to make him stop, my big brother insists on
} calling me Butthead.  Those seeking answers to questions are hereby
} advised not to refer to the mighty Usenet Oracle as "Butthead."
}
}   I will not, however, tell you my truename.  For he who knows my
} truename will be able to summon me at his will.  I will be completely
} under his control.  (Lisa and I like to play games like that every now
} and again.)  Only the mailer daemon knows my truename, and he won't
} tell, because if he does I'm going to turn him into a Nintendo
} cartridge.
}
}   You owe the Oracle a terabyte of X-rated GIFs.


261-09    (13170 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: egrlab!alan@uncecs.edu (Alan Marc Gallatin)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                     !em pleH
> !lanimret siht ni kcuts ma I

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed.  Actually, you would appear to (1) be stuck in the CRT and (2)
} have forgotten to write *backwards* so that your message would be a bit
} more legible.  Aren't you fortunate that the Oracle can read backwards?
}
} Very fortunate, in fact.  Many instances of message garbling from this
} very source have been recorded in the Oracle's history base.  The most
} often occuring instance of this is attempts at communicating with
} denizens of the "mirror world" by writing messages on one's mirror after
} taking a hot shower.  Of course, nobody thinks to write backwards then,
} leaving the mirror people hopelessly confused as to our intentions and
} leaving them no choice but to assume our entire world is hostile and
} uncommunicative.  Their invasion is planned for next year in March.  Be
} careful shaving around then.
}
} As to your short-term(inal) problem, there is an easy solution...
}
} .TRC eht fo ssalg eht kaerb dna ffo ti kaerB .nwod-dna-pu dna
} edis-ot-edis gniog ereht tib gnivom-tasf eht s'tI .nug nortcele eht rof
} uoy dniheb hcaeR
}
} .rotinom wen a dna rorrim langis a elcarO eht ewo uoY


261-10    (23412 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most knowledgeable entity in the whole multiverse,
> why is it *always* the buttered side?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Universal Law of Cholesterol Gravitation can be stated:
}
}           g m1 m2
}       f = -------                                             (1)
}              2
}             d
}
} where f is the flipping force toward the floor, m1 and m2 are the
} margarine masses, and d is the disappointment at having to eat a piece
} of toast covered with fuzzballs. g, of course, is the amplitude at
} which you yell GODDAMMIT!!! when it hits. So the more saturated fat
} you have or the louder you yell, the harder the thing will slap the
} floor.
}
} The Zynn'thglrg of Spica MDCCLXXVI have used this effect in
} interstellar travel. In the nose (or, in the case of the Zynn'thglrg,
} the tentacle) of their spacecraft is a heavily-buttered piece of
} Wonder Bread, the only substance known that can withstand decades of
} near-lightspeed travel and still remain edible. In front of the toast
} is a megalithic catcher's mitt, used as a shield in parking orbit. To
} travel to a distant star, the Zynn'thglrg aim the unbuttered side at
} the star and remove the mitt. The spacecraft immediately whips around
} and falls toward the distant star, buttered side first. Unfortunately,
} the Zynn'thglrg haven't yet discovered the Second Law of Cholesterol
} Gravitation:
}
}       Once it starts to fall, you can't catch it.             (2)
}
} and therefore, wind up embedded ass-first in their destination,
} covered with a thick layer of Land-O-Lakes. The Zynn'thglrg, as you
} might have guessed, are not rocket scientists.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reactionless ion annihilation propulsion system
} and a bottle of Squeeze Parkay.


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