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Internet Oracularities #262

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262, 262-01, 262-02, 262-03, 262-04, 262-05, 262-06, 262-07, 262-08, 262-09, 262-10


Usenet Oracularities #262    (15 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 6 Feb 91 11:52:21 -0500

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262   15 votes 22263 02544 41820 24513 24243 23532 54420 55410 35511 45420
262   2.8 mean  3.4   3.7   2.5   2.9   3.1   3.0   2.2   2.1   2.5   2.3


262-01    (22263 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Good Afternoon,Oracle.  I've got a wee bit o' a problem an' I was hoping
> that ye could help me out.
>
> I'm chief engineer aboard a starship and ,may I add, 'tis the finest one
> in the fleet.  My problem is my captain.  He goes off on these power
> trips, he does.  Expects me to bloody rebuild the entire Engine Room
> from the ground up in five minutes.  An' he doesna even care that I've
> got a date with a yeoman half my age, the heartless bastard.  Nothin' I
> do is ever good enough for him and he always keeps wantin' more.
>
> ``Beam me up,Scotty.  Beam me down,Scotty.  Scotty,I need Warp
> Thirty-two in three seconds.  I don't care about the Laws of
> Physics,Scotty,just fix the damn transporter!!!''
>
> I canna take it anymore.  If he pushes me too far...
> What should I do???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Star Trek outtakes??  For My sake, what next!?  Sigh.  Oh, all right...
}
} > simulate troy
}
}   I can sense that you are upset by your Captain's failure to truly
}   appreciate your talents and needs.  Perhaps it would help if you
}   talked about it?
}
} No, no, that's clearly useless... how about this one...?
}
} > simulate mccoy
}
} Dammit, Scotty, I'm a doctor not a labor mediator!!
}
} Hm.  Not very helpful either...
}
} > simulate spock
}
} You are allowing your emotions to control you, Mr.  Scott.  Consider the
} situation logically:  If the Captain were unable to command instant and
} unrealistic accomplishments from all members of the crew, then it would
} be necessary to write interesting plot lines, coherent dialogue, and
} believable character development.  As that is clearly impossible, the
} only alternative is for each member of the crew to produce last-minute
} cliff-hanger solutions to monumental problems.  It is simply a matter of
} logic.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fifth of Denebian brandy.


262-02    (02544 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wierd,
>
> I need your sagacity most desperately. A week ago I went in for
> routine brain surgery (oil and filter change to the cerebral cortex).
> Much to my horror, the "doctor" dropped a granola flake where it
> didn't belong, and I became...
>
>            P O L I T I C A L L Y   C O R R E C T ! ! !
>
> I can't smoke anymore because when I try, I squirt myself in the face
> with a water pistol. I gave away a pair of Stones tickets that cost me
> three hundred bucks because Mick Jagger uses sexist language. My kids
> are going barefoot in February because all their leather shoes are
> morally unacceptable. I recycle my mail before I can read it. I feel
> sorry for Saddam Hussein, and whenever someone says the word "he", I
> yell "OR SHE!!!" I traded my Caddy in for a twelve-speed, and keeping
> up in freeway traffic is hell! What can I do??????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You think I'm wierd?  Boy, you've turned into a real fruitcake!  I'm
} afraid there isn't much that can be done that isn't very very risky or
} expensive.  My best advice to you is to move to California and try to
} adapt.  If you' already live in California, then your behavior is to be
} expected and shouldn't cause you any embarassment...  in fact, you'll
} fit right in.
}
} However, having said all that, if you REALLY want to try and reverse the
} ill effects of becoming PC (Politically correct) and want to become MAC
} (More Apathetically Correct), try the following things:
}
} (Note:  Kids, don't try this at home)
}
} 1)  Listen to Rush Limbaugh on talk radio every day for a month.
}     Everytime he says something that you think is wrong (which, in your
}     condition, should be almost continuously), jab yourself in the
}     genital area with a cattle prod.
}
} 2)  Go to an adult bookstore (not in your hometown, however), and buy
}     out all their copies of Hustler, Penthouse, Oui, Cream, and Cherri.
}     Paster all the pictures over your bedroom walls and ceiling.  Say to
}     yourself over and over that the models like this type of lifestyle
}     and nobody is hurt by pornography.
}
} 3)  Dye your entire wardrobe cammoflauge and join the NRA.  Buy a large
}     rifle and shoot anything in your neighborhood with four legs (or two
}     legs that are on skateboards).
}
} 4)  Buy only products with wasteful packing practices and (grit your
}     teeth on this one) throw all your aluminum cans in the trash.  Same
}     thing with plastics and newspapers.  Also, make sure to overwater
}     your lawn and leave the faucet running when you brush your teeth.
}
} 5)  Buy a car that gets at least 30 GPM (gallons per mile) and run over
}     your 12 speed with it.  Make sure to bypass any sort of emission
}     control systems that come with it.
}
} 6)  Go to your local version of the "Hungry Heifer" and order a big fat
}     juicy Ribeye steak, with a large baked potato (sour cream and
}     butter).
}
} 7)  Go picketing against your local chapter of the Sierra Club, shouting
}     slogans like "Just Say No to Recycling" and "Hunting Is Fun".
}
}
} If you live thru all these events, after a few months you'll find
} yourself a social outcast but you will have regained your normal
} thinking patterns.  If that is what you really want, go for it...
} personally, I like you much better the way you are right now.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Stones tickets you gave away...


262-03    (41820 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to have sex with every female on earth.  How may I accomplish
> this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *EVERY* female? Including rhinoceri, hornets, and Rosanne Barr? Well,
} it's your choice, and don't say I didn't warn you. Let's check out the
} Animal Sutra.
}
} XVIII.         "She places her paws on your shoulders,
}                biting your neck and ticking your thighs
}                with her tail,
}                as she tears your throat out.
}
}                This is called the Timber Wolf."
}
}
} CXXIV:        "You hold four of her legs in your hands,
}                caressing her chitinous thorax,
}                as she injects her poison and spins you in a web
}                to feed her young.
}
}                This is called the Black Widow Spider."
}
}
} DCLXIX:       "Biting and slapping her fins,
}                you swim into her quim
}                fondling her mound as she dives a thousand meters
}                and moans like the Edgar Winter Group.
}
}                This we call the Sperm Whale."
}
}
} MMDXXXII:     "She tenderly sticks her gum under the table
}                and checks you for obvious sores
}                as she starts a 20-minute timer and lifts your wallet,
}                and gives you something you'll never get rid of.
}
}                We know this as the 42nd Street Hooker."
}
} You owe the Oracle an FTP site for "Cindy's Torment" and a box of
} Milk-Bones.


262-04    (24513 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   DOE, JANE        [name changed -SK]
>
> WHAT STARTS OUT WALKING ON FOUR LEGS, THEN GRADUATES TO TWO LEGS, AND
> FINALLY ENDS UP ON THREE LEGS??
>
> DOE, JANE
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, man.  My last Robotics/AI project is loose *again*.  You'd think
} that if you leave something in the bottom of the Mariana Trench, it'd
} stay there.
}
} Ok, so here's what you need to do.  First of all, stay clear of the
} laser cannon.  It probably got its batteries recharged first thing.
} Next, if it's in the three-leg mode, stay FAR AWAY from it.  But then,
} you must already know that, given the way you shouted your question.
}
} When it's in the four- or two-leg mode, carefully approach it (watch out
} for that laser!) and simply say "ctt'changk-PROALSK" (be sure to
} pronounce it carefully!), and the thing should go into hybernation mode.
} I suppose it would be only fair to mention that if you say
} "cttch-angk'proALSK", that puts it in fight-to-the-death mode.  'nuff
} said.
}
} Good luck, Doe, Jane Student.  I'll be around in a month or so
} to collect my machine.  Try not to scratch it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a safe place to conduct his robotics research.


262-05    (24243 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: egrlab!alan@uncecs.edu (Alan Marc Gallatin)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I purchase fresh akee, calaloo and mangees here in Iowa?
>
> [forwarded by His Reticence, The Blue Moon Cafe Underoracle]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem is that you live in Iowa.  It's just a matter of supply and
} demand.  These items are not available because there is no demand by the
} local skillet-heads -er- agrarian populace.  Here's an example of a
} typical exchange:
}
} Shopper> Excuse me sir, do you have akee?
} Grocer> A key? sure! I got lots of 'em here in my pocket (jingle
}         jingle).
} Shopper> No, I mean AKEE!
} Grocer> Oh I get it. How about G-flat? (hummmmmmm)?
} Shopper> No, *A* *K* *E* *E* !
} Grocer> Well, I know the sporting goods store has AK-47's, but I'm not
}         so sure about AK-EE's.
} Shopper> Skip it. I also need to know where to find calaloo.
} Grocer> That's easy. Just get on Route 80 east, swing around Lake
}         Michigan, and exit where it says "Kalamazoo".
} Shopper> No, I need a *pint* of *calaloo*!
} Grocer> Aisle 4, pharmacy. Yup. We got lots of calomine. You got poison
}         ivy or somethin? 'zat why you're scratching yer head?
} Shopper> Forget it! Do you have any mangees in here?
} Grocer> These stock boys are good, honest workers, and they DON'T
}         deserve to be called MONKEYS!!!
} Shopper> No, that's MAN-gees! What's the matter? you deaf or something?
} Grocer> Look, Biff.  Why don't you go over to the poultry department and
}         check them out for yourself!  Most people aren't so particular
}         about the sex of their geese!  You some kind of prevert Commie
}         sympathizer or something?  Or worse...  a yuppie?  Why don't you
}         get your Jordache-covered ass out of my store, hop in your
}         faggot Beemer, and drive the hell back to Dubuque where ya
}         belong!
}
} The Oracle requests that you get on the mailing list of a specialty
} foods store and get to know your local Federal Express carrier.
}
} You owe the Oracle a free dinner for two (me and Lisa) at the grand
} opening of the Blue Moon Cafe.


262-06    (23532 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the Marines have engaged Iraqi forces, when will they have the
> wedding?  And am I invited?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wedding, an affair to equal the Moonie mass weddings of the early
} 80's, will take place on the day after Ramadan.  Saddam Hussein will be
} giving away the Iraqi soldiers; the ceremony, conducted in Arabic,
} English, and Hebrew, will be conducted by the chief rabbi of Israel,
} Oral Roberts, and an Ayatollah to be named later.  The Kuwaiti royal
} family is providing food and entertainment.  The scuttlebutt is that
} they've managed to book the hottest band in the Gulf:  SCUD and the
} Patriots!  All things point to this being THE social event of the
} season.  After the wedding, the Corps and its blushing brides will
} honeymoon in scenic Basra.
}
} The Marines:  Looking for a few good men.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slice of wedding cake.


262-07    (54420 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do all my questions go the the guy sitting next to me!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Look Around> Well there is Ra the Sun God, most of the guys from
} Vallhalla, and of course the ever-lovely Lisa.
}
} Oracle,"Hey did anyone send this?"
}
} Ra,"Naahhhh.  Why should we bother.  We can always ask you stuff later
} at the party."
}
} Oracle,"Did you send this dear."
}
} Lisa (sigh),"Nope.  What should I wear tonight?  Do you like the blue
} two-piece or the french cut black string bikini?"
}
} Oracle,"Ummm  I dunno try them on."
}
} Lisa,"OK"
} <exit Lisa>
}
} Well my pitifully poor mortal friend.  QUIT WASTING MY TIME!!!!  I have
} more important things to do!
} <Lisa enters wearing the french cut string nothing... I mean suit...hehe
}
} Lisa,"Do you like it?"
}
} Oracle (fails miserably to maintain any sort of decorum),
} "uhhh  bubububububub   uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh"
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of good underwater goggles, some flavored
} sun-tan lotion,a drool shield, and a promise to get a life and stop
} messing around.
}
} <splash>


262-08    (55410 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people leave power points switched on when there isn't anything
> plugged into them????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Today's Oracle responses are being provided by a special guest Oracle,
} Herr Doktor Sigmund von Braunschnozzen-Kowshtupper, a famed psychologist
} whose specialty is human interaction with appliances.  As a service to
} the supplicant, Dr. Braunschnozzen-Kowshtupper's rather heavy Viennese
} accent and Germanic sentence structure in his typing will be translated
} by complex Oracle software running here at Gedankenposte.Oracle.Kom...]
}
} Ach, yes, deep urges in all primordial phantasies decry the need for
} careful examination of geflickering orange lights on power strips
} plugged into the mains.  Human nature's aversion to uncertain states of
} electrical apparatus results in compulsive reluctance to de-activate
} computers, blenders, radios, Kompactdiscplayercombinedwithshortwave-
} radioandcurlingiron, dot dot dot.  Even measly power points, whose only
} function is to multiply and extend (note typical phallic shape of
} powerstrips combined with umbilical cord itself with tiny phallic
} prongs) to wall outlet) can cause neuroses in otherwise well-balanced
} prototypical paradigmical people, causing same to always leave power
} strip switched on for reassurance.
}
} You owe Dr. Braunschnozzen-Kowshtupper a date with your microwave oven.


262-09    (35511 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Would it be a bad thing to break into the isotope storage chamber?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it would be a wonderful experience, leading to a glowing future for
} you.


262-10    (45420 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a lambada calculus as well as a lambda calculus?  If so, what's
> it used for?  For that matter, is there a tango algebra?  What does
> square dancing have to do with all this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tango algebra is used for computing the trajectories of extremely
} curvy bodies with large but well-distributed volume. Lambada
} calculus, by contrast, is used when inserting a spike function
} into a bifurcated surface. Square dancing has nothing to do with
} either, and is done mostly by Minnie Pearl on Hee Haw or at
} Opryland.
}
} You neglected to ask about Tartaglia's Tarantella, Peano's Pavanne,
} Boole's Boogaloo, Frobenius's Frug, Hilbert's Hokey Pokey, the
} Mobius Twist, the Godel Jitterbug, Zeno's Converging Virginia Reel,
} Cantor's Nonconverging Virginia Reel, or Brouwer's Fixed-Point Pogo
} Stick Dance. So I shan't mention them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the textbook where you saw all that.


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