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Internet Oracularities #263

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263, 263-01, 263-02, 263-03, 263-04, 263-05, 263-06, 263-07, 263-08, 263-09, 263-10


Usenet Oracularities #263    (15 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 8 Feb 91 13:14:07 -0500

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263   15 votes 05532 26430 12552 52323 24720 44223 11193 01743 42522 14631
263   3.0 mean  3.1   2.5   3.3   2.7   2.6   2.7   3.8   3.6   2.7   2.9


263-01    (05532 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most worthy and right oracle, forgive my stupidity and answer I pray the
> question: why is 'qwerty' not called 'qwertyuiop'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An insightful question, indeed!  There are not many people who do not
} question the automatic tendency of most English-speaking people to
} shorten long words into one or two syllabs.
}
} You have, of course, noted that names tend to be shorted to "dimmies" or
} "diminutives," so that Robert becomes Bob & Rumpelstilskin would most
} likely be referred to as "Rumpy." The same thing is slowly creeping into
} the lang. in other ways 2.
}
} This is a res. of the comp. world trying 2 tell every1 that "smaller
} is better" and that data compr. is nec. in many cases.
}
} 2/stand this phenom. U must watch closely Ur use of words & phrases and
} try 2 point out when U C some1 else doing it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Daemon process to Huffman-compress all his mail
} before he reads it, and a "Pocket Guide to Shorthand Goodspeak." BCNU!


263-02    (26430 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: egrlab!alan@uncecs.edu (Alan Marc Gallatin)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is it about Saddam Hussein's nature that makes him immune
> to the "toy train" method of need-appeasal???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Great and Powerful ORACLE predicts that Letterman will steal these
} for tomorrow night.
}
}                           10 Reasons why
}             Hussein will Plainly Stay without a Train:
}
} 10.   Toilet training was tough.
} 9.    What do you think YOU'd be like if your nickname was Sado?
} 8.    Kuwait took his toy train, so it's only fair that he should
}       take Kuwait.
} 7.    He doesn't want to play with toy trains anymore. Now he likes
}       model rockets better.
} 6.    Trains look boring on CNN.
} 5.    He's too mad. While he was out at the front, his wife was
}       fooling around with Bart Simpson.
} 4.    It's hard to tie a disagreeable advisor to the tracks.
} 3.    He's too busy entertaining his guests with a cattle prod.
} 2.    Jim Florio would just beat him up and steal it. And then raise
}       taxes.
}
} Last, but surely least:
}
} 1.    You didn't offer him the tank car. The one with the chlorine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a toy SCUD and a new air force.


263-03    (12552 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og graet Oracke, wjp kmows a;; amd te;;s akk, whosw kmow;edge lniows np
> boinds, ans whode feey hace nevef requiwed odpr-eatrrs, p;ease trll mw,
> s hunble motral, teh ansrew tp thos modt puxxling asnd botgering
> quedtion"
>
> Whu os ut thst, whrnever O trt tp typw, ( swwm yo nake a tpyo im ebery
> wprd?  Os threr anu wat O csn fiz thia problen?  K nrrd jour hepl bsdly!
> O can\t gst anu og ny pfograms tp wlrk im mu CA calss, amd semdimg msil
> ia nezt tp inpossivle!
>
> HEPL, PLRASW!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Omniscient Oracle's Keyboard Troubleshooting Guide:
} Entry#60157:  Typographical Errors
}
} 1.  Keyboard upside down.  Look at the keyboard.  Find the long key with
} no letters printed on it.  If it is on the top instead of on the bottom
} where it is supposed to be, invert the keyboard and retry entry.
}
} 2.  Wrong keyboard.  Look at the keyboard.  Do the letters look familiar
} to you?  If they do not look like English letters, call your service
} rep.
}
} 3.  Incorrect typing technique.  Correct typing should be done with
} either or both hands.  If you are using a different part of your body,
} try typing with your hands.  It has also been found to be benefical to
} type with the fingers of your hands instead of your palms or closed
} fists (although closed fists are useful for other things, see #4).
}
} 4.  Keyboard not working properly.  Take your right hand and make a
} tight fist.  With a quick motion, strike the keyboard firmly and sharply
} in the area which is causing the most trouble.  If this fails to correct
} the problem, alternate methods include a sharp kick or if this fails, a
} drop from the top floor of whatever building you are working in.  If
} this still fails to remedy the problem, repeat the above steps for the
} rest of the computer then call the service rep.
}
} 5.  Improper apparel.  The clothing you wear can have a great effect on
} the effectiveness of your typing.  Straight-jackets, boxing gloves,
} handcuffs (behind your back), and blindfolds tend to have deleterious
} effects on your typing ability.  If you are wearing any of the above
} items, please remove them and continue.
}
} 6.  Computer not working properly.  Open the CPU cabinet and look for
} microchips.  If there are a bunch of wires in the way, rip them out
} until you find some microchips.  Take 1 litre of concentrated
} hydrofluoric acid and spread it liberally throughout the CPU making sure
} to thoroughly wet all chips.  After this treatment, your computer is
} NEVER going to produce typos (or a anything else for that matter) ever
} again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of keyboard fragments.


263-04    (52323 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is it that people fall in love?  why is it that some people prefer
> sardines in oil to love?  what do the sardines think of the whole
> matter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A.  people fall in love because.  (Ref:  Oracle Rule 1.a: PARTIAL
}     QUESTIONS GET PARTIAL ANSWERS.)
}
} >Message from supervisor@oracle.mil:  That rule was suspended
} >indefinitely when the Oracle's reserve unit was activated last month.
} >Get with it, soldier!
}
} Oh, alright!  Geez, give a guy Captain's bars and he thinks he's God!
} Well, actually he _was_ God, but now he's Captain God.  Hmmm, maybe
} Marvel Comics should know about that.  (making mental note to copyright
} the phrase 'Captain God')
}
} Top 10 reasons why people fall in love:
}
} 10. Marriage puts them in a higher income bracker, helping to pay off
}     the federal debt.
}
} 9.  Cupid is only 3 feet tall, so they have to fall in order to be
}     within range of his arrows.
}
} 8.  The Oracle owns stock in Hallmark Cards.
}
} 7.  The Oracle gets a kick out of hearing people talk baby talk when
}     they are still working on getting the baby conceived.  (Ow, cut that
}     out Lisa, I didn't mean it!  You know you're still my babykins.
}     Hey, what are you doing with that can of sardines packed in oil?)
}
} >>Reply censored by oracle.mil
}
}     OK, I'm game if you are.  That bozo doesn't really need reasons 6,
}     5, 4, 3, and 2, anyway.)
}
} ~! sleep 3600
}
} Aaaah!!, now let's see, where was I?  Oh, yes.
}
} 1.  Otherwise, there wouldn't be any material for "Divorce Court".
}
} B.  The Oracle prefers sardines in spring water. (or was that tuna
}     fish?  I've been a vegetarian for the past few millenium, ever since
}     I learned they were eventually going to add chemicals to bacon.  One
}     of the problems with becoming a vegetarian in a hurry is you can't
}     do it cold turkey, so I decided to start early.)
}
}     However, the subject of love and the metaphysical comparisons of
}     love to other emotional experiences, such as sticking your fist into
}     a gallon of live squid, is something that the Oracle has been
}     required to become an expert at, if only because of the importance
}     placed upon love in Western Culture.  (If this sounds like a Western
}     Civ lecture, so be it, the Oracle sometimes substitute teaches at
}     Harvard.)
}
}     Unfortunately, my files are still a bit muddled from my last visit
}     to Harvard, in 1822.  Hmmm.  (shuffle, shuffle, shuffle)  Oh dear!
}     The pages on love have become saturated with oil and are unreadable.
}     Pity!
}
} C.  Sardines are, in general, inclined to be rather stuffy.  (Makes it
}     easier to get used to overcrowding in those little cans.)  The
}     scientists among them are inclined to concentrate on subatomic
}     physics, and as a result rarely worry about whole matter.
}
} Incidentally, the Oracle is a little concerned about the effect upon the
} sardine harvest of the oil spill in the Persian Gulf and recommends that
} you avoid any oil packed fish for a few years, especially if it has
} funny lettering on the package.  (like "Kosher for Passover") A good
} clue is if you open the package and the oil has washed up on the sides
} of the can and formed a gelatinous mess, then that can has probably been
} tainted.
}
} You owe the Oracle 15 new baby talk names for Lisa and an oil spill
} cleanup kit.  (But it was worth it!)


263-05    (24720 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (Alan Marc Gallatin)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what will happen on may 25...1991...i want to know...because i
> plan my wedding for this date

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gee, reading the future.  Haven't done much of that lately...  Who
} knows...  it could be fun.
}
} Now where'd I put that crystal ball?  Oh, here it is under the table.
} May 25, you say?  Concentrate.  May 25.  Concentrate.  Wait, I'm getting
} something...  I see a large dog.  Come to think of it, it looks very
} much like Lisa's dog.  It's growing larger...  larger...  gee, it's
} almost as if it's in the room with me---
}
} SMASH!
}
} Oh No!  The Crystal Ball Has Shattered.  Your Curiosity, Combined With
} Lisa's Love for Pets, has cost me Seven Years of Bad Luck (translation:
} seven years of having to answer questions typed in all caps).  Not only
} that, but the Oracle fears that it cannot at this time reveal the
} secrets of May 25, 1991.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plexiglass ball.  DwH


263-06    (44223 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise oracle, who....uh...well...let's just say
> you can beat the socks off 2 Crays rubber banded together.
>
> What was that I was going to ask you?
> --
> Ni!  Ni!   No! Not the knights who say 'Ni!'

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No,they are no longer the knight who say "ni!"
} They are they knights who say," Ecki-Ecki-whoop-zrop-ping!" and the
} Oracle will thank them to stop running around the system saying Ni to
} everyone.
} AHEM. Now,then. As to your question, you were going to ask me what the
} average flight velocity of an unlaiden swallow is. Well, you didn't
} specify whether it was European or African,now did you? I mean,honestly
} the Oracle knows all,but I can only responmd to questions if they are
} properly phrased.  Yes,I know you didn't actually phrase it in your
} message since you forgot it, but the words were still ingrained into
} your cranial cavity that way.  Since you weren't specific enough,the
} Oracle will just have to give you a general answer.
}
} The flight speed, F(x), is the function
}
} F(x)= W+c^2-m
}
} where W is the swallow's wingspans, c is the average weight of a
} coconut, and m is the approximate number of molecules in the swallow
} which have independent numbered bank accounts in Switzerland.  Knowing
} this equation, you should be able to figure out the flight speed on your
} own.  As for what you owe the Oracle, well how about chopping down all
} the trees in this forest with..........................................
} .......................................................................
} .......................................................................
} .......................................................................
} ............................................................  A HERRING!


263-07    (11193 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mistah Orcul,
>
> I'm'a tryin' ta git mah revenge on a dad burned old bastard used to be
> mah frend afore he done me wrong.  What I wanna know is, should I just
> shoot him, or be sutl and crewl and just smash in his haid with a
> mallot?
>
> Thank ye.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > env LANGUAGE = cornpone
}
} Wall, Jed, it awl 'pend 'pon jes what that there rscal done to ya.  If'n
} he a'stole yer horse, then yer gotta hang'im.  If'n he done stole yer
} woman, then yer gotta shoot'im.  If'n he done used up awl of yer
} computer account tahm, wahl then yer gotta get really mean, an' tear out
} his lungs a'through his nostrils.
}
} If'n it's anythin' else, then yer best be is tuh tie him to a big ole
} brass bed, an tuh leave only one hand free, ya see?  Then ya paint all
} the fingernails on that hand with rattlesnake poison, ya see?  Then ya
} dump a whole box a fahr ants atop'n the bed, and sit aroun' an' wait for
} 'im to start a'scratchin'!  Heee-ya, that'll be fun!
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Cassel's English-Texan/Texan-English
} Dictionary.


263-08    (01743 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, wonderful and wild,
> why can't I conceive a child?
> My biological clock goes tick, tick, tick,
> but I'm never morning sick.
> My gonads tested out just fine;
> my sexual drive works overtime;
> I eat well, drink lots of juice;
> aid my quest to reproduce!
> Is there something I should know
> to help make a zygote grow?
> Tell me -- and I don't mean maybe --
> what to do to make a baby.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try as you will, with all your might
} But none will ever see the sight
} The sight you greatly long they'll see:
} Your much-desired pregnancy.
} Eat well, drink right, and wildly tup,
} Yet still you'll never get knocked up,
} Because, you see, you never can,
} For sadly you were born a man.
}
} The Oracle wants to have a baby too.


263-09    (42522 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Call the Pinnacle BBS: 716-274-3568
>
> Butloads of diskspace!
>
> Cool GIF. R/X/XX/XXX
>
> Call now!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh BOY!  A new BBS!  Now where did I leave that phreak code?
}
} ATDT1,7162743568,,,6661984555444
}
} CONNECT 300
} WELCOME TO THE PINNACLE BBS
}
} Username [NEW for new user]:  <Why fuck around> SYSOP
} Password: XXXGIF
} 2ND SUPER SECRET PASSWORD:  <Geez, tight security here, snicker-snort>
}                                POUNDMOUND
}
} Welcome MY LORD AND MASTER.  <Woah, retro-dude!  Early eighties
}                               obesiance!>
}
} WHAT IS THY COMMAND>f
}                             [FILE DIRECTORY]
}
} 1)GIFS
} 2)X GIFS
} 3)XX GIFS
} 4)XXX GIFS
} 5)R GIFS
} 6)PG-13 GIFS
} 7)PG GIFS
} 8)G GIFS
} 9)NR GIFS
} 10)OTHER STUFF
}
} FILES> d *.* <I'll just take everything, it won't take TOO long>
} <BEEP>  HEY, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!
} Fuck off, man, you told me to call.
}
} GET THE HELL OFF MY BBS! I'M TERMINATING YOUR SESSION NOW!
} Wrong.
} MAINT> TERMINATE USER1:SYSOP:HOME
} HEY, WHAT DID YOU D...AAARRGH!
} Sorry, bout that, but you forced me.  Don't worry, you come back as soon
} as I give up SYSOP priveleges, which I'll do after I take everything
} worthwhile.
} FILES> d *.*
} Download X-MODEM of 52 files:
}    4,391,124,234 bytes
}    6.2 days estimated d/l time.
}
}       [ Priestly Note:  Here at The USENET Oracle, we strive to bring
}       you the most accurate information and advice divinely possible,
}       at prices any college freshman can afford.  To that end, we
}       scrupulously inspect each Oracular response for factual errors.
}       While such errors are rare (occurring about once every 2.459E+223
}       days, or whenever someone tries to run the latest Motif release on
}       the machine with the Oracle), they do occur, and it's our job to
}       correct them.
}
}       The download time for 4,391,124,234 bytes at 300 baud would be
}       approximately 1,694.1 days (not counting time for headers,
}       acknowledgement bytes, turnaround delay, and packet transmission
}       delay).
}
}       We apologize for the error.  We now return you to the Oracular
}       Response already in progress. ]
}
} Waiting to start d/l. Ctrl-X to abort.
} <7.2 days later (some idiot picked up the phone)>
} DOWNLOAD COMPLETE.
} MAINT> D
} c:> cd dl
} c:\dl> del *.*
} Are you sure (Y/N)? y
} c:\dl> exit
} MAINT> <That ought to keep you busy when you wake up.  NU doesn't do so
}         hot on those really BIG files for some reason.>
} >g
} THANK YOU FOR VISITING THE PINNACLE BBS.
} ^K
} =-p]@#%$


263-10    (14631 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to remove that baked-in grime??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That baked-in grime may have to stay
} Unless The Oracle finds a way
} To make it vanish -- disappear!
} (Let's make those dishes crystal-clear.)
}
} The primitive way is not too hard
} Though some may find it rather ard-
} uous.  You take your pan, a stream, a rock,
} and pound until the grime falls off.
}
} Some others add a little soap
} To aid their quest and learn to cope
} With tiny, mid-sized or immense
} messes on their implements.
}
} Modern cooks have come to trust
} Their dirt, grease, grime and stubborn crusts
} on pots, pans, cups and even saucers
} to wonderful westinghouse dishwashers.
}
} The quickest, albeit wasteful, course
} would be to seek a dish divorce --
} just open up a trash container!
} (No need to wash or use the drainer.)
}
} But The Oracle doesn't use half-measures
} That interefere with hours of leisure.
} The method she finds very nice?
} A tactical thermonuclear device.


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