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Internet Oracularities #265

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Usenet Oracularities #265    (15 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 13 Feb 91 12:03:48 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

265   15 votes 63231 45420 52512 25431 43602 12453 05631 24243 21543 12246
265   2.9 mean  2.3   2.3   2.5   2.7   2.5   3.5   3.0   3.1   3.3   3.8


265-01    (63231 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why won't my EM or LDU talk to me on the RS-232 line?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah.  Hmm.  the oracle sees that you are in need of great help, and so
} gladly answers you question.  First of all for all, we must clairify the
} term you have used in your question.  You EM, or Electronic Mother, and
} LDU Latent Daughter Ursula will not talk to you over the RS-232 line.  A
} terrible occurance and the Oracle is glad it's not you.  There are
} several things you can do to remedy the situation:
}
}       EM (Electronic Mother): Have you sent your Mother any Flowers
}       lately? Or Candy? Or a EMD Card? (Electronic Mother's Day Card)
}       Perhaps if you would write her mor often, things would be better
}       you you. The Oracle writes it's Mother twice a week, and sends
}       EF's (Electronic Flowers) every now and then. If this fixes the
}       problem, fine. However, the Oracle knows how touch these kind of
}       situations can be and sometime take forever to work out. But just
}       you think how life would be without your E-Ma around. Snif.
}
}       LDU (Latent Daughter Ursula): Tsk Tsk Tsk. This is simply a case
}       of misguided parenthood. The Oracle knows LDU, or "Leedew" as a
}       nickname, rather well, and has seen what you have done to this
}       person. LDU eloped with PHB, (Punk Head Biff) and they have gone
}       to live in New Jersey, a place where RS-232 lines are looked upon
}       with disgust. If it you haddn't treated her with such callous non
}       understanding Things might be different. I ofter heard her say
}       that you treated her like a computer part. The Oracle is disgusted
}       by your treatment of Lewdee, and suggest you seek professional
}       help.


265-02    (45420 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why are the New Kids on the block?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   It is very difficult to answer this question as I'm not sure what
} 'block' they are refering to.  Thus, I polled the public at large for
} what they thought and here are the results:
}
}               A city block: 2%
}               Alphabet block: 7%
}               Disk Block: 15%
}               "Brick" block: 5%
}               Writer's Block: 9%
}               Chopping Block: 62%
}
}   Obviously, the answer is "Chopping Block".  Now back to your question.
}
}   It would seem that the New Kids are so despised by the general public,
} that they are on the Chopping Block to be removed from society, but they
} requested that they be allowed to do a song-and-dance number before they
} die, and someone in the audience thought that they had potential.  Thus,
} they were saved, and are now constantly doing Pepsi commercials in the
} hope that the same thing that happened to Micheal Jackson will happen to
} them.
}
}   Officials are concerned that this isn't happening because they don't
} have enough soul.  Their promoter has scheduled them all for a soul
} transplant with the doner being Mr. Rogers.


265-03    (52512 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is not dead which can eternal lie,
> While with strange aeons, even death may die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Were I corporeal your audacity would compel me to flatulate.
}
} A riddle, then:
} >What is not dead which can eternal lie,
} >While with strange aeons, even death may die?
}
} Why of course you refer to the two species of the immortalae
} indestructis family, the cockroach (cucaracha immortalae indestructis)
} and the twinkie (fluffae immortalae indestructis).  Both have
} demonstrated the ability to survive bombardment of microwaves, digestion
} and nuclear explosion.  It is strongly suspected that the indestructis
} family will provide the genetic basis for post-nuclear lineage, the
} cocatwinkies (similar in appearance to Willard Scott) and the
} twinkroaches (resembling Zsa Zsa Gabor).  Speculation as to the
} offspring of cocatwinkies and twinkroaches has significantly contributed
} to further debate of euthanasia and several bomb threats at the Today
} Show Studio.  Bryant Gumbel was questioned and released.
}
} You owe the oracle one roach motel and a box of twinkies, frozen please.


265-04    (25431 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey! I just found out this Oracle thing is a fake! The way I
> found out is, I sent "him" a question, but instead of a response
> I got a question to answer. I innocently answered it, and Lo!
> and Behold! my answer showed up a couple of days later in
> the Oracularities. It's all a fake, people! Wise up! Why has
> no one noticed this sham before I did? (P.S., my pretend
> answer got the highest rating seen in the last 6 weeks.
> Shows how creative the fake Oracle usually is, eh?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not a fake.  When you answered the question, your mind, body, and
} very soul were possessed and controlled by the Oracle.  You _thought_
} that you came up with the answer yourself, but actually you were only
} the medium by which the Oracle communicated your answer to the rest of
} the world.
}
} You see, the Oracle doesn't really have an Oracular Temple or anything
} like that, or a private residence with a nubile Lisa in it.  It follows
} messages along the Net, and takes control of anybody answering a
} question.  It shows admirable restraint in what It does when it
} possesses a mortal -- though occassionally when It is in control of an
} unusually attractive person of either sex it will take over and take Its
} borrowed body and mind on a wild sex spree or the like.
}
} You owe the Oracle...well, just get that cute redhead over there to
} answer a question, the Oracle will take control, and for a while
} afterwards the Oracle will return the favor by making her act
} somewhat...well, more amorous towards you.


265-05    (43602 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great One,
>       I beg of thee, sitting here on my knees as I am, that thee
>       answer for me a question, a question that has plagued my
>       poor, imprisoned mind for eons:
>
>       Why is it that, while playing with mud, children of effeminate
>       men named Zebra or Slash tend to find that the tingling feeling
>       they experience in their shoe-laces is little more than the
>       escaping of tiny artichoke hearts, born there for the sole purpose
>       of wiping from the face of the planet all those pink-spotted
>       bibles, particularly the ones with the great, goloptuous,
>       frog-testicle-scented art students spewing forth from them?
>
> Follow-up question:
>
>       Is it possible for said children, while smearing the pebbly,
>       puce mud on their heaving faces, to project onto their
>       now-empty, grey, squishy eggshells, the image of a fat,
>       voluptuous, CIFer sitting at a terminal, shaking the Russian
>       dressing from her thigh, and trying to scrape from between her
>       toes the crusted, putrid remains of the small purple kitten's left
>       nostril that was to be left there three weeks later?
>
>                                       With my head bowed and my knees
>                                       scabby from dragging them on the
>                                       cold ground beneath me while
>                                       praying to Your Holiness, and a
>                                       slightly eerie feeling, the likes
>                                       of which often accompanies a
>                                       slightly rotten egg-salad
>                                       sandwich,
>
>                                                               bagWan

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These children have second sight, my friend, and they can readily
} percieve that the artichoke hearts must exist to control the population
} of the spotted bibles with spew forth the art students.  If there were
} no artichoke hearts to carry forth this mission, the entire world would
} pay homage to Jim and Tammy, and send forth their children's college
} funds, and the world would sink into mindless oblivion.  Woe to he who
} would eat an artichoke heart!  These children are special, and will use
} their mud to fill the swimming pools of the unrighteous.
}
} To your second question, the answer is:  No.  Why the fuck would they do
} that?
}     Maybe playmate of the month, but not the fat chick!
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of your supplier, that must be some GOOD
} shit!


265-06    (12453 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Jenny, you're so pretty!  How did you get that way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has had herself Jennified by the Indiana Jennification
} Service!  For a reasonable fee, you too can be a Jennifer, complete
} with Jenneric wardrobe and a great set of Jennitalia!
}
} So why not be inJennuous?
}
} Jennifer the Oracle


265-07    (05631 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, impressive Oracle,
> may I use you as a job reference?  Furthermore, can
> you give me a letter of recommendation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problemo.
}
} ------------------------CUT-HERE----------------------------
}
}                               O. R. Acle
}                               38th of Cunegonde
}                               10 Hauser Gates
}                               Vax, Indiana
}
} Dear Prospective Employer,
}
}       My good friend has asked me to write a reference.
}     Allow me to catalog some of his traits.
}
}     Accomplishments:
}       He almost wrote some audit code
}       and likely finished link and load;
}       he vectorized a vacant node
}       and added awk to emacs mode.
}
}     Work Habits:
}       He staggers in when steers come home;
}       across the net his curses roam;
}       he calls his games his kiln and loam;
}       he whiles work with wine and poem.
}
}     Interpersonal Skills:
}         Competitive, with playful jests,
}       like purging root in partners' nests;
}       he treats his team like trampled pests
}       and often ogles ample breasts.
}
}     Grooming:
}       He grooms with grace like grunting pig;
}       the lice are dead below his wig,
}       the fungus trimmed where fingers dig;
}       his sores are few and seldom big.
}
}     Humor:
}       What wonderous wit this wimp might show
}       akin to Larry, Curly, Moe,
}       if ere he enters early flow
}       with shirt aligned and shoes aglow.
}
}                               Sincerely,
}                               (signed) Oscar Romeo Acle
}
}
} P.S. You owe your good pal Oscar a second rhyming dictionary for the
} office.


265-08    (24243 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Jan 15, 1991]
> Any second now the world as we know it is going to end. How may I wisely
> employ these my last hours on this earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see, oh puny one, that you have taken the first step correctly merely
} by chance, that of approaching my magnificence.  You see, I know the
} ultimate method of salvation--of all the worms on earth, I foresee that
} only you will receive your just reward.
} First, listen to Ravel's _Bolero_ 100 times.  No more, no less (I
} recommend a Deustsche Grammophon recording).  Then write an essay
} comparing and contrasting Metallica's _Jump in the Fire_ and _Bolero_
} and staple it to a cat.  Take the cat and feed it Kitty Friskies until
} it explodes.  Take the bloodstained essay and burn it, inhaling the
} odiferous fumes.  By now the end of the world is approaching, and you'll
} be tripping so radically that you won't even notice.  When the little
} purple things stop crawling over your stereo, it is time to jump in the
} fire I have assumed you have set, humming Bolero all the while.
} Naturally you will erupt in a pillar of flame and emerge into my
} presence, where you shall become my high priest...hello?  hello?  Damn,
} happens every time.


265-09    (21543 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the richest person who posts to Usenet newsgroups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Donald, Donald, Donald.  Shame on you.
}
} Surely, you realize that you already know the answer to your question.
} If you merely click your mouse button three times upon the "From:" line
} of this mailing, while repeating "There's no place like home," you will
} realize that of course it is me, the great Oracle who is the richest
} person who posts to Usenet newsgroups.  Please read alt.humor.oracle
} for a demonstration of my rich wit, charm and wisdom.  Next time Mr.
} Trump, please try to avoid using me as your own magic mirror or you
} might just get some really disappointing news regarding Merv and
} Ivanna.  Have a nice day, you egotistical cretin.
}
} You owe the oracle a comp at the Taj.


265-10    (12246 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As you so rightfully predicted, here's the haiku:
>
> Mighty Oracle,
> tell me how to defrost my
> refrigerator.
>
> We aim to please...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is omniscient.  That doesn't mean, unfortunately, that it is
} infallible.  Sometimes, the Oracle is just STUUUUUPID.  This makes 5,643
} **DIFFERENT** haiku asking how to defrost a refrigerator.  The Oracle
} has to supply a different, creative answer to each one.  And this one is
} the least inspired of them all.  Haiku are supposed to have layers of
} meaning and deep, natural symbolism.  Feh.  Having answered the first
} 5,642 with haiku about how to defrost the refrigerator, the Oracle has
} decided to branch off to something different.
}
} A graduate student of Science
} With a malfunctioning major appliance
} Could not read instructions
} Or make simple deductions
} And had lost all of his self-reliance.
}
} His freezer was not self-defrosting
} And the gathering icepack was costing
} Him the work of three years:
} Frozen pizzas and beers.
} To go shopping was MUCH too exhausting.
}
} He foresaw his demise from starvation,
} Then he suddenly found inspiration:
} "The Oracle knows
} How to banish ice floes!
} I shall tell it the whole situation!"
}
} "O Oracle!" the grad student said
} "Can you save me from what I most dread?"
} Help me conquer the frost!
} I care naught for the cost!!"
} The answer came back, and it read:
}
} "There's an answer; the Oracle knows it:
} Crawl into your icebox and close it.
} The heat your producin'
} Will make the ice loosen.
} If your genitals freeze - well, so goes it!"
}
} The Oracle always replies
} To the questions that come to Its eyes
} But there's always a price
} For Its Holy advice:
} You owe It two large pizza pies.
}
} With mushrooms and extra cheese.


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