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Internet Oracularities #266

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Usenet Oracularities #266    (15 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 14 Feb 91 22:13:53 -0500

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266   15 votes 11751 12552 24612 12543 02481 36222 14433 24810 37410 23721
266   3.0 mean  3.3   3.3   2.8   3.4   3.5   2.6   3.2   2.5   2.2   2.8


266-01    (11751 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard an anthropologist (from HAAAAVARD, no less) say on the radio
> that the reason we have two sexes is because women needed men to
> provide some genetic variability.  So basically, men are just a
> big breeding experiment.
>
> What I would like to know is, is this REALLY the reason there are
> two sexes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The reason there are two sexes
}      Is evident, obvious and clear:
}      One is too few to have fun with,
}      With three one would just interfere.
}
}
}      Four would be fine if they split into twos;
}        Five would be too if you weren't the one
}          left out when the four split up into twos
}          booting you out the door when they felt like some fun.
}
}           Six is three twos (as I said, leave the threesome)
}             Seven's a problem alike to the five
}               Eight though four twos is getting -- well, fearsome
}                 Nine's heaven not: for threes from it derive.
}
}                   Ten's far far too many though it's also five twos.
}                     More you'd just hate: just think of tricks
}                     You'd need to examine, determine and fix
}                     Just where to stick what, through which, and with
}                        who's
}
}
}      So what should I say to sum up this edict?
}      What's the solution? How should I go on?
}      Well it pains me to quote it (George Michael's an eejit)
}      But Sexes are best when there's two (one on one).
}
}
}
} So there you go. Nuts to Harvard. You owe the Oracle an e-date with
} Hartford's own dream netter, Ruth Hanschka, compared to whom Lisa's
} glory fades like snow on a slushy highway.  Gee, I sure hope this makes
} the 'racularities.  She reads them, you know, she really does...


266-02    (12552 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Greate Oracle...
> Yesterday I went to one of the Casino's in Vegas.  I have put $1000 on
> '0' at the Roulette, and won.  Should I try this again?  Or maybe I
> should go to another Casino?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Weak and Limited One!
}
} Let's find out:
}
} % simulate roulette1
}   How Many Players:      1
}   Player 1 Name:         Weak and Limited One
}   Nickname:              W&LO
}   Player 1 Bankroll:     $36000
}
}   <begin simulation 1>
}
}   "Welcome back to the beautiful Sand's Casino, Mr. W&LO.  Can I get you
}   a drink?  No?  Fine.  The roulette table is just this way."
}
}   "Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen, place your bets...Ah, I see
}   you're back to try number zero again, Mr. W&LO!  Good luck to you!"
}
}   <WHHIIIRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrtacktacktacktackDINKtiktok....>
}
}   "27 black!  Everybody's a loser.  Place your bets."
}
}   "Would you care to borrow against your account, Mr. W&LO?  You would?
}   $100,000?  I think that can be arranged.  There you go."
}
}   "Place your bets, everybody, place your bets!"
}
}   <WHIIIIZZZZZZZZZZBINKbikabikabikaTOCKbikabikabikatacktacktacktak....>
}
}   "Everybody's a loser.  So sorry."
}
}   "Mr W&LO?  Where do you think you're going?  Leaving us?  Oh, no, Mr.
}   W&LO, you have to pay up your account before leaving.  No money?  You
}   have no money?  Ah.  Let me introduce you to our debt reconciliation
}   manager, Mr. Rocco "The Rock" Giardinni, and his associate, Mr. Walter
}   "Crushed Nose" Solcwizski.  I believe they have some information for
}   you in that very dark room in the back...?"
}
}   <end simulation 1>
}
} Hmmm...  Not very much fun, huh?  Let's try again, at a different
} Casino.
}
} % simulate roulette2
}   How Many Players:      1
}   Player 1 Name:         Weak and Limited One
}   Nickname:              W&LO
}   Player 1 Bankroll:     $36000
}
}   <begin simulation 2>
}
}   "Welcome to the Trump Taj Mahal Casino!  Would you care to watch the
}   very naked women dance in the lounge?  No?  Fine.  The roulette table
}   is just this way."
}
}   "Bets, ladies and gentlemen, bets please.  Thank you, Mr. W&LO.  I see
}   you've taken the lucky number zero?  An excellent choice.  Let's see
}   how you fare..."
}
}   <BZZZZZZZZINNNNGGGGGGGGGginkgunkDINKDONKpingpongwallawallabingbang...>
}
}   "Zero!  A winner!!  Let it ride?  Fine."
}
}   <FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEPlickPOINGbouncebouncebouncebouncebinkaboinkabonk...>
}
}   "Zero AGAIN!!  My, you ARE on a lucky stream tonight, Mr. W&LO!  Let
}   it ride again??  Oh, you are the daredevil!"
}
}   <WHIZZZZZZZZZSkitteryskaterryflickitaflickitaflickflickflick...>
}
}   "Zero again.  My, aren't you the fortunate one.  Let it ride again?
}   Oh, I don't think so, Mr. W&LO.  What's that?  You've decided to go
}   for a ride with these two gentlemen?  Ah, I see you've met our Special
}   Winner Congratulations Committee.  Please, allow me to introduce you:
}   The smaller one towering over your left shoulder is Louis Schiller.
}   They used to call him "Killer Schiller," ha ha.  Some childhood
}   nickname, I'm sure.  The gentleman twisting your left leg is called
}   'Puke.'  It's funny, we've never managed to find out if he has any
}   other name.  You'll be leaving now?  Oh, I'm sure the three of you
}   will have a WONDERFUL time.  Your chips?  I'll be happy to take care
}   of those for you.  No, I don't think you'll be needing them soon."
}
}   <end simulation2>
}
} Hm.  Not promising either, is it?  Maybe you should consider another
} hobby.  I hear that stamps are nice.
}
} You owe the Oracle two pair of loaded dice and a bullet-proof vest.


266-03    (24612 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Boredom sets in.  But not of you, O Wise and Wonderful Oracle whose
> Knowledge of that which Is and that which Isn't is Really High, I have a
> few ponderances.  Well, actually I have ten.  I wonder if you could help
> enlighten me.
>
> 1)    Take a slinky, a lighter, and the complete BeeGee's box CD set.
> What do you get?
>
> 2)    What's the best canned lasagne?
>
> 3)    Is Niagra a good place for a honeymoon?  Or would you recommend
> elsewhere?
>
> 4)    When did the Oracle find out the truth about Santa Claus?
>
> 5)    If John Madden fell in the forest, would it make a sound?
>
> 6)    Would it have changed anything if we had also kept Q-Tips out
> of Iraq in the embargo?
>
> 7)    Whatever happened to all those Rubik's Cubes that used to be
> everywhere?  Does it involve dark matter?
>
> 8)    Would an urban or rural area generally consume more Geritol per
> capita?
>
> 9)    Is that really Tom Brokaw's hair?
>
> And of course,
>
> 10)   Does Mr. Whipple really have a top-ten list of fears?
>
> Thank you very much, dear Oracle.  Shine on.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > 1)  Take a slinky, a lighter, and the complete BeeGee's box CD set.
} > What do you get?
}
} Enlightenment.
}
} > 2)  What's the best canned lasagne?
}
} Sri Mahagoni Ramamanana's Spiritually Corrected and Highly Enlightened
} Tinned Lasagne and Karmic Aura Adjuster with Mushrooms.  (Don't get the
} one with meat, it's not karmically balanced).
}
} > 3)  Is Niagra a good place for a honeymoon?  Or would you recommend
} > elsewhere?
}
} Niagra is a horrid, unenlightened place for a honeymoon, though not as
} bad as Nigeria which is spelt almost the same but is in reality
} considerably drier, which is where we went for our honeymoon despite
} clearly asking for tix to Niagra.  I would recommend Sri Syadavisin's
} Hypokarmic Enlightenment Village.
}
} > 4)  When did the Oracle find out the truth about Santa Claus?
}
} The Oracle has not yet found out the truth about Stanta Claus.
}
} > 5)  If John Madden fell in the forest, would it make a sound?
}
} John Madden is unenlightened; it would not have mattered.
}
} > 6)  Would it have changed anything if we had also kept Q-Tips out
} > of Iraq in the embargo?
}
} Q-tips are for the spiritually backward.  I recommend Sri Yahuguru
} Palmananda's Spiritually Enlightening Cotton Swabs on Little Sticks.
}
} > 7)  Whatever happened to all those Rubik's Cubes that used to be
} > everywhere?  Does it involve dark matter?
}
} No.  It involves cubic matter with many colors on the sides.
}
} > 8)  Would an urban or rural area generally consume more Geritol per
} > capita?
}
} Yes, if it could, but urban and rural areas aren't very good at opening
} bottles.
}
} > 9)  Is that really Tom Brokaw's hair?
}
} No.  It is a musical, mystical bear.
}
} > 10) Does Mr. Whipple really have a top-ten list of fears?
}
} Not nearly as long as yours.


266-04    (12543 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I simply must have some of that smashing advice you give...!
>
> I ordered a pizza this evening.  Two pizzas, actually.  And when the guy
> came to deliver them, I didn't notice anything odd -- but after I handed
> him the money, he counted out my change.  In rubles.  It was then that I
> noticed the thick Austrian accent.  (I know rubles aren't from Austria;
> that's the thing that caught my attention.)
> As he counted out the money, his mustache -- a fairly thin one that
> extended down his jowls to the sides of his chin -- began to come away
> from his face.  He noticed my curious stare, but I quickly covered by
> remarking simply that he looked like my cousin.  As soon as I said it, I
> realized -- I'm not kidding -- that it was, in fact, true!  This guy
> could have been my cousin Rick with his hair dyed.  Only my cousin Rick
> is dead, and has been for two years.  Stunned as I was, I did nothing as
> this guy left the apartment building.  I shook off my stupor and took
> the pizzas into the kitchen, attributing it all to...  well, I didn't
> know what.
> The pizza was the wrong order.  The works on each, and I'd only ordered
> them with pepperoni and extra cheese.  As I was trying to decide between
> calling the pizza place again or just going to bed early, a knock came
> on the door.  When I opened it, it was another pizza delivery person --
> or pizza collection, I should say, because she'd come to take back the
> wrong order and refund me my money and some extra coupons.  I didn't
> know what to say.  First of all, she was stunningly beautiful.  She
> should have been a model or something, not a pizza delivery girl.
> Second, I couldn't understand how she had known that my order was
> incorrect already.  Third, she had a monkey sitting on her shoulder.  As
> I stood there a second time, speechless in my own doorway, she gently
> eased the boxes from my hands (I thought I had left them in the kitchen,
> but what the heck?) and pressed the money -- good, American money --
> into my open hands.  And the coupons.  By the time I had collected
> myself enough to ask what time she got off from work, she was gone.
> And the coupons were for some dry-cleaning place down the street.
>
> Oracle, what the hell happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       It's all a fancy advertising gimmick for this dry-cleaning place.
} I note that you didn't mention in your letter that those pizzas you got
} were not from the place you ordered them from, the boxes had on them a
} nonexistent address, and you did indeed get the correct order from the
} right place a few minutes later.  (See, the Oracle IS omniscient.) This
} dry-cleaning place puts taps on phone lines and when you order a pizza
} or something, they go through this elaborate scheme.  As a result, they
} hope, you will go there 1) to make sure that isn't your cousin Rick, 2)
} to meet this beautiful woman, 3) to liberate a helpless, oppressed
} monkey, 4) to see if you could get a pizza with the works there, at a
} lower price, 5) to change currency, 6) to use their coupons, or 7)
} because you need something drycleaned.  It turns out that it's not a
} dry-cleaners at all, but a Satanic Church, and they're trying to lure
} human sacrifices.  So it's a good thing you asked the Oracle before
} checking it out on your own.
}
}       You owe the Oracle two pizzas with the works.


266-05    (02481 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks does it REALLY take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of
> a Tootsie Pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Upon receipt of your question, the Oracle immediately went to the store
} and bought several Tootsie Pops.  The Oracle will spare no expense to
} answer a good question like this one.
}
} For the first sample, a cherry pop (the Oracle loves cherry):
}       145 licks and one chomp.
}
} For the second sample, a raspberry (maybe I can lick this one until I
} get to the gooey center):
}       367 licks and then I gave it to the dog (I don't like raspberry)
}
} For the next sample, a chocolate:
}       2386 licks and then it was gone.  I couldn't tell when I got to
}       the tootsie roll part.
}
} Next, a grape:
}       12 licks, then a sugar high, and four laps around the neighborhood
}       to settle down.
}
}
} This research stuff is too much for the Oracle.  You owe the Oracle the
} name of a good dentist.


266-06    (36222 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Can anyone tell me where I can find maps of Middle-Earth ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hagstrom publishes a good set of street maps of Middle Earth, though
} they are a bit out-of-date.  Their map of Minith Tirith is particularly
} unreliable.  Several major streets are completely omitted.
}
} "The Rand-MacNally Middle-Earth Road Atlas" provides excellent,
} large-scale highway maps of all significant domains of Middle Earth,
} plus detailed inset street maps of majors cities.
}
} For tourist travel in Middle Earth, the Oracle particularly recommends
} the Michelin Guide to Middle Earth, published in French, English,
} Japanese, Quenya, and Orcish.
}
}
} Your owe the Oracle a postcard from Rivendell, and a "This Car Climbed
} Whitetop" bumper sticker.


266-07    (14433 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT AND WISE ORACLE TELL ME WHO IS GOING TO WIN THE WAR IN THE
> FLUG.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's quite difficult, as the Flug War between Thorastia and
} Gambaboosh has been going on for the last eighty seven years.  The last
} reported hostility was when Gweeba nar-Foofem, the Foreign Minister for
} Thorastia, described the Prime Minister and Poobah-for-Life of
} Gambaboosh as being "somewhat portly."  The PM, being within earshot
} (these are SMALL countries we're talking about), threw an empty Coors
} can at nar-Foofem, which missed.
}
} The war, of course, was started in 1904 when the Flug Field, on the
} border between the two countries (but claimed without dispute by
} Thorastia up until then) was discovered to have commercially viable
} quantities of gravel.  Both countries, in desperate need for an export
} besides their very colorful postage stamps, claimed the field.
} Declarations of war were quickly passed.
}
} The war has been somewhat subdued, as neither country actually
} possesses an army, navy or any other military force.  Law enforcement
} duties are performed by the local magistrate, calling in the postman to
} help if things get out of control on saturday night.
}
} Since Thorastia removed the last useful load of gravel in 1912, and
} there have been no casualties on either side (although one worker got a
} bit scuffed up in a fall in 1910), it seems likely that the state of
} war will continue until there's a revolution in either country, or
} something.  In any case, it doesn't really matter much.
}
} You owe the Oracle a just war; we're fresh out up here.


266-08    (24810 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WOULD YOU PLEASE SEND ME SOME C CODE THAT DOES WEATHER FORECASTS
> BASED ON FLUID DYNAMICAL PRINCIPLES? I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT THAT
> IS DUE NEXT TUESDAY.
>
> SIGNED
>
> BIFF
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...  let me think....
}
} #include <stdio.h>
}
} main() {
}
}       printf("Weather forecast:\n");
}
}       switch (rand() % 5) {
}               case 0: printf("fair weather.\n"); break;
}               case 1: printf("rain.\n"); break;
}               case 2: printf("snow.\n"); break;
}               case 3: printf("windy.\n"); break;
}               case 4: printf("tornado.\n"); break;
}               default: printf("Act of God[tm].\n"); break;
}       }
}
}       return 0;
} }
}
} Write the rest of it yourself, you lazy bum.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Valentine's Day candy for
} my guest programmer, and one for Lisa.


266-09    (37410 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a place that can ship me a mail-order bride by UPS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   You have come to the right place! The Oracle is, in fact, in the
} mail-order business (We all have to make a living somehow) and I
} can set you up right over e-mail.  I just need some basic information.
}
} ---------------------------------------------------------
} | BOX-A-BRIDE MAIL-ORDER MARRAGE SERVICE | P.O. # 52345 |
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} |            BILL                         SHIP TO                    |
} |  Name    :__________________            ___________________        |
} |  Address :_________________________     __________________________ |
} |  City,St :______________ Zip_______     _________________Zip______ |
} |--------------------------------------------------------------------|
} | Selection (Please circle one)                                      |
} |                                                                    |
} | 1) Trixie - Quick, easy, basic sure-please model  ($19.95 U.S.)    |
} |                                                                    |
} | 2) Monica - Thin, lithe knock-out, but can be bitchy ($29.95 U.S.) |
} |                                                                    |
} | 3) Bertha - Wide model, the most for your dollar ($29.95 U.S.)     |
} |                                                                    |
} |---------------------------------------------------------------------
}                                                     | TOTAL : $      |
}                                                     ------------------


266-10    (23721 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and profound Oracle, why do IBM and DEC insist on allowing
> boneheaded programmers to dereference NULL pointers, thereby generating
> code which crashes on any "Real Computer"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple; there has to be a readily accessible means by which to determine
} that the above individuals are, in fact, boneheads. Can you think of
} any better way to identify them than such idiocy as:
}
} {
}   int a;
}   int* b;
}   a=*b;
}   b=&a; ... gory details etc.
} }
}
} Of course, it's not so funny if you're an AI program. In this case, you
} might just be the victim of such a programmer if they've been hired
} to rewrite some minor part of your code, such as the relative clause
} complet
} Segmentation Fault- Core Dumped.
} %


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