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Internet Oracularities #267

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Usenet Oracularities #267    (15 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 16 Feb 91 11:09:03 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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267   15 votes 45600 14451 34404 01572 21543 06351 23730 33540 55230 12723
267   2.9 mean  2.1   3.1   2.9   3.7   3.3   3.1   2.7   2.7   2.2   3.3


267-01    (45600 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think the
> lure was just too strong.  You were attracted to Malachie, weren't
> you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, until she revealed her true form.  She lured me into her hut deep
} in the forest, and bathed me in a rich bath scented with rose petals.
} Then she let down her long, red-gold hair and let her rich,
} cloth-of-gold robe slip off of her body.  She was flawlessly beautiful,
} with hard, firm breasts like large ripe apples, the sinuous waist of a
} serpent, and generous, welcoming hips.  Her face seemed to grow lovelier
} by the moment.  It was too much and I seized her and we made love like
} weasels struck with madness.  At the point of climax a horrid cackling
} laugh emerged from her ruby lips, and her sweet breath became foul, and
} her perfect skin became loose on her body and slits opened in it.  She
} pulled off her face and scalp to reveal a hideous old hag!  "Do you love
} me now, silly boy?" she cackled, hideous hag that she had become.  The
} unemptied tub, I noticed, was full of foul, stinking ditch-water, and
} the cloth-of gold robe had grown dull and tattered.  "I will bear your
} child now," cackled the hag.
}
} You owe the Oracle a course in writing cheap fantasy fiction, and
} another in f**king enthralled foolish young women at SF&F conventions.


267-02    (14451 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *** Oracle TimeWaster Filter Version 6.66 Patchlevel 42
} You have asked one of the five most often asked questions, and will
} therefore be answered by this program. The answer will be completely
} personalized and not differ at all from what the real Oracle would
} have written. And if it does differ, it will certainly be much better,
} considering how much time the Oracle spends drinking, smoking
} questionable substances and in bed with Lisa. If you just knew what
} state he usually is in when answering questions, you'd never write to
} him again. If you could just see him squinting at the monitor with his
} bloodshot eyes, vainly trying to hit the right key. Sometimes the
} spellchecking daemon more or less *writes* the answers for him.
} And does the Oracle thank Spelly for his work? Noo sire! He just yells
} at him, accusing him of "destroying the aesthetics and sublimity of
} his text"! Sublimity my ass, gibberish is what I'd call it.
} Oh, anyway, here's your answer:
}
} Because she's allergic to roses. And it's not that bad, really, she's
} still quite fond of you. Try chocolate next time.


267-03    (34404 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a bone-headed slime puppy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A bone-headed slime puppy is the evil arch enemy of the Happy-go-lucky
} Furry Bunny, and tends to attack the bunnies whenever possible.  The
} only historical refrence to the slime puppy is that it's the animal who
} finally killed and ate "Jim" from Mutual of Omaha.


267-04    (01572 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient and slightly secure Oracle, master of all holiness, I
> abase myself in the face of your Ninja wisdom.  How is it that great
> warriors catch bullets in their teeth and spit them back?  How might I
> learn this great art?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The art of catching bullets requires many years of rigerous study,
} incredible reflexes and major stupidity.  But the Oracle see that you
} are stedfast on you course of action and will suggest a exercise program
} for you.
}
}       #1 Start out with Daily Teeth warmups. Get up, and go through a
}       few boxes of Honeycomb ceral, no milk. This will get your
}       teeth ready for their morning exercise.
}
}       #2. Go out for a walk. As you are walking, keep you eyes open
}       for extremely hard objects (steel girders, telephone stablizer
}       wires, stop signs, etc) and run over to them, and sink your teeth
}       in them as few times each. Find at least five objects and do
}       the "muchies" on each object 20 times. If you start to lose
}       teeth, keep going. This is normal. Use them for a key chain
}       or something. As summer comes, try to catch flies in your teeth
}       as they buzz past you. This will become easier and easier.
}
}       #3 Have a Fello Ninja throw a bullet toward you that you catch,
}       increasingly harder and harder. Mond the bullet doesn't hit your
}       face, in fact for exercise- hit you face aaginst a stone wall
}       for a few hours to toughen it up.
}
}       #4 You are now ready for the big test. Get a gun. A bullet. Might
}       as well take a sig or two of wiskey. It might help. Have the
}       Fellow Ninja Point the gun, and shoot. Imagine the bullet as a
}       tasty snack that's flying at you at over a mile a second and you
}       need to bit it with you teeth. At this poit several things should
}       be happening: The bullet should be moving, you should be opening
}       oyur mouth, and watching the bullet.Get ready. Here it comes.
}       MUNCH! Congratulations. You have caught the bullet.
}
} You owe be Orakle a new seft of teeft anf a tube of Toofpastefh.


267-05    (21543 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, what happened?
>
> I hit "r" to reply to the question I was to answer, and then the
> cursor changed from a filled rectangle to just a frame.  I could
> actually see the letter under it.
>
> When I finished and sent the reply, it changed back.
>
> What does this mean?  It's never happened before.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, one of several things may have happened.  I could tell you which,
} but then if it happened again you'd ask Me again, so I'll tell you how
} to judge for yourself.
}
} 1) You were temporarily taken over by the true spirit of the Oracle,
} that's Me, which granted you penetrating wisdom and sight for the
} duration of your answer.  You know this happened if you wrote a really
} witty answer and ended with:"You owe the Oracle a dozen buxom babes and
} a Lambourgini."
}
} 2) You were temporarily taken over by the spirit of the Oracle's
} Nemesis, Ralph, the AntiOracle of Uselessnet.  You know this happened if
} you wrote a twitly reply which ended with:"You owe the Oracle a punch in
} the eye, a gallon of cod liver oil and an EMP from a tactical nuke
} detonated within a mile of iuvax."
}
} 3) You were taken over by the spirit of Clearasil.  You know this
} happened if you wrote a clearheaded, err, clear-faced reply to an
} unctious question and ended with:"The Oracle requires you to picket
} Oxy-5 retailers."
}
} 4) You were taken over by the spirit of Superman, whose x-ray vision let
} you see through the cursor.  (That was a reality check -- if you really
} think you might have been taken over by Superman, it's time to resume
} councelling.)
}
} 5) You were taken over by the spirit of Unix, which allowed you to see
} into the depths of your machine.  You know this happened if in the
} course of your reply, you had to detonate several PC's.
}
} 6) You were taken over by the spirit of optometry, who wanted you to
} know how much more you COULD see if you changed your bottle bottoms for
} real glasses.  This is probably the case if your bottle bottoms are so
} scratched that you can no longer clearly read the trademark.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cold shower:  those winking cursors really excite
} Me.


267-06    (06351 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> since you seem to be the hippest creature in the universe,
> please tell me, what is the best drink at all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has noticed that you humans often have several favorite
} drinks and will not attempt to sort out the best one from your sorrid
} bunch.  However, the Oracle does indulge in a bit of AC power now and
} then, so will offer these favorites, from which you may choose your own
} best drink.
}
}       "The Shocker" is a mixed drink, made with vodka, gin, everclear
}       and a bit of lime grenadine in a Tom Collins glass, which is
}       then hooked up to a small generator. As you drink, the generator
}       sends a current through your body, giving you a bit of "afterglow"
}       effect. Also known as "The Ben Franklin".
}
}       "The Koozbane Bash" is made with an assortment of heavy spirits,
}       including, brandy, port, whiskey and sherry, which are then sent
}       through a particle accelerator, causing the drink to break up into
}       it's sub atomic make up. The remaining atomic parts are put into a
}       small lead-lined container which the person ordering the drink
}       swallows. This drink always has very unusual effects and has the
}       distinction of being the most expensive drink on the planet, at a
}       prince of 2.5 Billion a shot. Bottoms up.
}
}       "The Anaconda Enema" is a drink best not ordered in mixed company.
}
}       "The Butt Dance" is a drink that moves very quickly to your hind
}       quarters and begins to vibrate them at serveral beats per second.
}       Good for Dancing and mooning people afterward, please do not
}       order at a Trucker's stop.
}
}       "The Meldown" Offers people of the Nuclear age the chance to
}       really find out what the waste products taste like. Be warned,
}       this drink is not for those who want to remeber anything the mext
}       morning.
}
}       "The EyeVee" is just what is sounds like. The drink is poured into
}       a IV bottle and stuck into your arm. Vodka, Everclear and O+ and
}       plasma go into this one. Best taken while lying down.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dry martini, stirred not shaken. Hic!


267-07    (23730 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We hear a lot about the Baathist Party in Iraq -- the socialist party
> headed by Saddam Hussein.  What about the rival Shoowerist Party?  Are
> these parties being hurt by shortages of fresh water in Iraq thanks to
> the heavy Coalition bombing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An insightful question, ye who thirsts for knowledge!
}
} There is little known among the populace regarding Saddam's baathing
} habits.  The Oracle, however, is personally privy to the fact that Mr.
} Hussein is indeed the forefather of a particular Vogon Leader of the
} future with a particular affinity for baaths.  The Shoowerist Party is,
} as you have aptly pointed out, knee-deep in the Baathist Hoopla insofar
} as local civil warfare goes; however, not being perfect (as is the
} Oracle), you incorrectly assumed something as obvious as a shortage of
} fresh water would influence these conflagrations.  In reality, the odds
} favoring the Baathist Party are being slowly but most assuredly tipped
} not by Coalition Bombing resulting in water shortage, but rather another
} shortage altogether.  The war effort in this region has resulted in vast
} amounts of hemp being confiscated for naval supplies, and, thus, the
} supply of soap-on-a-rope has dwindled to nearly nothing for the
} Shoowerist Party, crippling their morale and causing much dissention
} among their usually tight-knit ranks.
}
} So speaketh the Oracle!
}
} You owe the Oracle one BeeGee's Soap-on-a-Rope Gift Set.


267-08    (33540 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings,Oracle.
> I am a multi-millionair philanthropist.  I have started a secret
> campaign to fight crime and injustice.  This all started when my parents
> were killed one night in a dark Gotham Alley.  From that day forth I
> pledged to fight crime.  I said,"What would strike fear and terror in
> the minds of the criminal element?" Naturally,i realized, an aardvark
> would!  So I started my career as Aardvark-Man, Riding out from the
> Aardvark Burrow in my Aardvark-Mobile to battle injustice.
> However,instead of quivering with fear when they see my "Human-Aarvark"
> costume, criminals burst out LAUGHING!!!!  Where did I go wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clearly you aren't insane enough.  Try going batty.


267-09    (55230 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And how about this guy Oplaz Fongoldnu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, HOW about him!??
}
} Oplaz Fongoldnu was a poor pheasant framer in Cuba just before the
} revolution.  NO, he wasn't a poor PEASANT FARMER, nor a poor PHEASANT
} FARMER, he was a poor PHEASANT FRAMER!  He framed poor pheasants!
} Actually, he was quite rich, since we all know how much the Cuban people
} love their Poor Framed Pheasants!  When the revolution came about, he
} joined Che and Fidel, and overthrew the Poor-Framed-Pheasant haters,
} and joined the Glorious Revolution of the Poor-Pheasant Framers
} (GROTPPF).  Fidel soon became weary of Oplaz and his framing ways, and
} had poor Oplaz shot, and fed to the peasants (to the PEASANTS, not the
} PHEASANTS).  Fidel then converted over to Communism, and requested aid
} from the Soviet Union.  The rest is history!  So, when you see a Poor
} Framed Pheasant in your local Cuban-American store, please bow your head
} in remembrance of Oplaz Fongoldnu, and the wonderful
} Poor-Pheasant-Framing work he did, and the loss that we all now suffer.


267-10    (12723 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I wake up tomorrow and my cat tells me that the world is coming to an
> end and that he hasn't finished cooking my breakfast yet, should I,
>
>         1.  Believe him and hastiliy sell everything I own
>                 (except for my Elvis paintings of course)
>
>         2.  Beat him harshly for not having my breakfast ready, or
>
>         3.  Eat the cat and hop the first ship to Orgasmatron
>                 (planet of everwilling and well-oiled temtresses)?
>
>                                         Alfonzo Cliehopper
>                                           -Bellevue

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is always ready to help those who seek professional help in
} any manner.  Cats, are at best a strange bunch of creatures.  It's
} impossible to tell what they'll do next.  The best thing to do in any
} situation with a cat is:BE ON YOUR GUARD.  In your situation, there are
} several things I might try:
}
}       #1 You cat is talking to you. This is a good sign in the
}       larger picture of things, as communication has not been
}       achived yet. You should carefully ask your cat why they
}       haven't finished breakfast (i.e, was the stove broken,
}       did they pee on the bread, etc.) and try to keep the
}       the conversation light. If the Cat continues to talk,
}       Take it to the nearest research lab and six months later
}       collect your Nobel Prize for Efforts in Communication.
}       If the would ends after that, so what? You got your Prize.
}
}       #2 Wake up. You having a bad dream from all that Jello you
}       inhaled last night.
}
}       #3 Smile. Inform your cat you don't want to eat breakfast
}       today, as you have to head toward the nearest Enquirer
}       office and have your name sensationalized all over the world
}       for having a talking cat. Ask the cat if it would mind
}       posing for a few publicity photos.
}
}       #4. Assume the cat is from Outer Space and has come to eat
}       you brain for breakfast, and the only reason he hasn't finished
}       cooking yet is beacuse you're the main dish. Scream and beat
}       the cat into pulp with the baseball bat you keep by you bed
}       for such occasions. If you don't have a bat, Bon appetit.
}
}       #5 Assume that the cat is a Propet or a Prohet or even a Prophet,
}       and the world is about to
}       end, perhaps even in seconds. Say a prayer in every religon or
}       religin or even religion that
}       you can think of and you should be alright. Say hello to Jimmy
}       Hoffa for the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plate of Eggs, Toast, Juice, and a Furball.


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