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Internet Oracularities #268

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268, 268-01, 268-02, 268-03, 268-04, 268-05, 268-06, 268-07, 268-08, 268-09, 268-10


Usenet Oracularities #268    (16 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Feb 91 09:00:23 -0500

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268   16 votes 28420 33172 65221 18430 15451 33334 37402 2a400 23533 35521
268   2.7 mean  2.4   3.1   2.2   2.6   3.0   3.1   2.4   2.1   3.1   2.6


268-01    (28420 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Intelligent and Sublime Machine, whose Logic defies all
> Understanding:
>
> I'm not an experienced technician, but I can't afford to hire anyone to
> assemble my new Harris computer, so I'm doing it myself with help from
> the "Installation Manual." Now I've run into instructions which I don't
> understand.  A note at the top of the section titled "Voltage Checks on
> a Rack-mount System" reads:
>
>      The initial system power-up sequence should be performed by
>      qualified, experienced technicians who understand what various
>      symptoms may mean, and their implications (for example, a burning
>      wire smell means turn off power to the system and find the short).
>
> Will you explain what a burning wire smells like, and what a short is?
> What other symptoms would a qualified, experienced technician be trained
> to recognize?
>
> Gratefully Yours, Ed

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know that smell of when you wear a pair of socks for two weeks and
} then throw them in a closet you never open and several months later you
} open the closet only to be blasted by a putrid odor?  Well, it smells
} nothing like that.  It actually smells like something similar to your
} house burning down.
}
} What I don't think you understand is that the only reason that they give
} you the manual is that you feel your getting your money's worth.  What
} all that jargon really means is, "If it stops working, send it in for
} maintaince (along with a small fee)", and you already knew that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bonfire consisting solely of technical manuals.


268-02    (33172 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just exactly where is noplace in particular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, one can find the answer nearly anywhere.  For instance, assuming
} that nowhere in particular cannot be far away, and neither are your eyes
} (as they are above your nose), one could infer:
}
} The eyes are the window to the soul, and in Hindu mythology the third
} eye is the sun source of all consciousness, so first take three steps in
} the direction of the rising sun.
} And what comes to mind with the rising sun? Japan.  Portable radios.
} And what comes to mind with portable radios?  The italian inventor,
} Guillermo Marconi who first broadcast the human voice over radio waves
} in 1901.
} And why do we listen to the radio?
} Music.
} And what do we do to music?
} Dance!
} But in what direction?
} Well, the national dance of Italy is the tarantella, which in a
} dictionary of music resides next to...the tango!  And, since the Tango
} is usually in 4/4 time, we must take eight steps in the direction of
} Argentina!
} But, because Argentina is one of the many countries with the distinction
} of being located in the southern hemisphere, and because in this
} hemisphere, everything from the order of the seasons to the flushing of
} a commode occurs in reverse, it is back to the Tango, then, which, to a
} cartographer or telegraph operator would be longhand for the letter 'T',
} the 20th letter and on the west end of the alphabet...so we WOULD walk
} 20 steps to the west, but, since to a cartographer this would mean the
} 20th longitude and latitude.  So, we find ourselves nowhere in
} particular, exactly in the Kaukau Belt, only a few miles south of
} AbuDabi, near the exact village to which the Village People were
} banished.
}
} You owe the Oracle one map of South America.


268-03    (65221 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: alan@amadeus.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh really spiffy Oracle,
> Ohh omnipitent Oracle,
> Ohh Impotent Or...wait a sec here.
> Umm, where is thatdamn question?
>
> Ohh, here it is.
>
> Will Angie ever love me?  I have wanted to tell her how i have felt
> about her since tenth grade 9oh cuse that was last year, but still...)
> She's so great, i even started writing her in as a charecter in my
> novel, that i hope to publish and get rich, partly to impress her
> partly just because i like writing.
>
> So, will she?  What should I do?  Is that a pyrodactle perched on the
> laser printer over there?  Why does it look so hungry?  It's swooping
> twords me, what should I do?  I wonder if i should move oipyr ^df
> @$
> #@
> 2rrew 5yy54t
> g
>   gggg
>       ^ddfdgfgfgd
> HElp!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh, angie is an angil.  Ban hot tubs!
}
} she won't ever have sex.  In Jerusalem they don't allow chess.
}
} You should write more novels.  Three-piece suits are out of fashion, my
} little mouse.
}
} It's just a duck.  Eat Banana-Ys, the toasted sauce bearnaise snack!
}
} It looks hungry because it wants a new snack.  You know, ya know, oh
} wow, by my remote wife's shanks, man, if you were a good candidate for
} God, you'd make wonderful regal orgasmic love to me.
}
} You should give it some cereal.  Almond Squares -- the flamboyant cereal
} that tastes like almond!
}
} You owe me a food item.  Wouldn't you like to wake up to a nice
} awe-inspiring bowl of Fiber Pellets!


268-04    (18430 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How terrible is it that walnuts are being sent to the Gulf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, it's awful, simply awful.  It foretells the decline of Western
} Civilization as we know it, and then some.  Let me elaborate:
}
} {The Oracle strolls over to a dusty shelf in the Oracular Library, pulls
} down a weighty tome, and opens it}
}
} You see, the critical mass of the universe is contained in walnuts.
} With walnuts equitably distributed throughout the planet, this isn't a
} problem.  Even walnut-exporting states such as Brazil and California
} don't usually upset the balance, because if a region produces more
} walnuts the universe simply includes a little bit less of its critical
} mass in each one, so as to avoid the awful consequences of chain
} reactions when too many walnuts are brought together in the same place.
}
} But with the Gulf war and the US supplies airlift, walnuts are being
} brought in from all over the world, from low-import areas with only
} moderate amounts of universal mass in each walnut, but worse yet, from
} areas that don't usually produce lots of walnuts and therefore whose
} walnuts are quite subject to meltdowns and explosions when too many are
} placed in close proximity.
}
} You don't want to be in the neighborhood when the Universe's mass
} undergoes chain reactions.  You don't event want to be on the same
} planet.  Let's just hope that the war doesn't go on for too much longer,
} otherwise we're all in trouble.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nutcracker and an olive tree with a yellow ribbon
} tied around it.


268-05    (15451 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dig it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, you've be turned into a frog, haven't you?  That can just ruin
} your whole day.  But ain't it convenient that the Oracle speaks 47
} dialects of frog?
}
} Yes, I'm afraid you do have to let princesses kiss you, even if they're
} ugly and have bad breath.  It's in the rules (section 7, part 4,
} paragraph 2).  On the other hand, it doesn't say what PART of you they
} can kiss.  Be imaginative.


268-06    (33334 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ouch! Hey! That tickles!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn!  I just _KNEW_ I shouldn't have taken parts from that audio input
} card to repair my network repeater board!
}
} Ouch!  Hey, that tickles.
}
} Now everything Lisa and I said has been entered into the network, and
} fed back to Me in the form of a question.
}
} Damn!  I just _KNEW_ I shouldn't have taken parts from that audio input
} card to repair my network repeater board!
}
} Ouch!  Hey, that tickles.
}
} Now everything Lisa and I said has been entered into the network, and
} fed back to Me in the form of a question.
}
} Damn!  I just _KNEW_ I shouldn't have taken parts from that audio input
} card to repair my network repeater board!
}
} Now everything Lisa and I said has been entered into the network, and
} fed back to Me in the form of a question.
}
} Wait a minute, I'll disconnect the repeater board and use the backup
} one...
} <connection lost>
}
} <dialing>
} Welcome to the Oracle System.
}
} login: me
} password: #######    (Not even the Oracle is that trusting!)
}
} Account verified, logon accepted as of 22:03:15.
}
} Scheduled system outage from 00:15 to 03:25 on 2/15/2243 for system
} upgrading.  The new equipment will be an IBM PC/43 running Unix System V
} release 2.  (Why mess with perfection?)
}
} Welcome back, Master.
}
} # who -c
} me              God             Buddah         Sadaam.Hussein
}
} Alright, who gave HIM an account?  Better see what he's doing.
}
} # monitor -u Sadaam.Hussein
} >> monitoring process 23133, nice lev 39, active screen capture follows:
}
} >Dear Mr. Oracle:
} >
} >How do I get out of this terrible situation I've gotten myself into?
} >My Revolutionary Council wants to have me assassinated.  George won't
} >return my phone calls.  Imelda wants her shoes back.  The Army/Navy
} >surplus store has cancelled my charge account.  The
} #
}
} Hmmm.  Better nip this one in the bud.
}
} # kill -9 23133
} # rm -u Sadaam.Hussein
}
} Whew, that was a close one!  Why should _I_ get involved in that mess!
} Maybe I better shut down Allah's root user account for a while.
}
} # passwd Allah
} enter new password: beer
}
} Ha!  He'll NEVER guess that one!
}
} # Mail
} You have   13 letters waiting, Master.  Command?
} ? r
} from:  Oracle.net
} Subject:  tell me
}
} Ouch!  Hey, that tickles.
}
} ? d
}
} ALL QUESTIONS MUST BE ANSWERED!
}
} ? r
} Children, let me tell you about the birds and the bees.  You see, every
} Spring, when Mother Nature puts on her Green Coat and causes the flowers
} to bloom, the bees go from flower to flower, gathering nectar and
} distributing pollen to help the flowers cross-pollinate and produce
} improved varieties.  (Well, that's what it says on the back of my
} Burpee's Seed packet, at least.)
}
} The sounds you heard were caused by a bee accidently stinging a stamen,
} and then tickling the petals of the flower while trying to fly out.
}
} Don't worry about them, both the flower and the bee will live happily
} ever after, or at least until October 14th, when the temperature will
} drop below 25 degrees for 5 hours.
} ^D
} ? q
} #
}
} There, that ought to hold the little b*st*rd.
} Boy, I sure hope the part about the rubber sheets, the goat, and the
} dry ice didn't get recorded.  I don't know how I'd explain THAT!


268-07    (37402 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will the fat guy with the toyota GET THE FUCK OFF MY NAME AND
> FINALLY GET BORN!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like wow, man!  Along with the usual pile of mundane questions, it's
} wonderful to occasionally find a question such as yours whose mere
} contemplation leads straight to enlightenment.  I'm trying to imagine
} this now:  "When will [he] finally get born." So we're talking about an
} unborn infant, right?  And he's fat and male, which I assume you know
} because of a sonogram or something.  He's sitting on your name, so I
} guess you and your wife were playing naughty games again and got your
} address book stuck where it didn't belong -- kinky, but I can just
} barely buy that.  He's got a toyota ?!?  If he has a toyota in there, I
} can certainly see why you'd have gone to the doctor and requested a
} sonogram.  If I weren't omniscient, I'd tell you off severely for either
} bald-face lying or engaging in unbelievable contortion acts without an
} official permit.  But I know you just set up an impossible situation to
} show the absurdity of verbal communication, right?  Like a Zen koan,
} right?  Yeah, gotta be, gotta be,.....


268-08    (2a400 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: alan@teer18.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best chord progression to get the women dancing like they
> "just don't care"?  Any suggestions for rhythm line and percussion?
>
> Signed, musically talented but weak on theory.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I assume that you want more than a Bump and Grind, yes?  The "just don't
} care" idea compells me to refer the text "Mozart does Disco".
}
} <flipping to chapter 5; Chord Progression>
}
} Ah, here we are..paragraph 69:  Getting Women to dance like they Just
} don't care
}
} Quoting Mr. Mozart, who so eloquently scribed the following words to
} live by.
}
} "Getting women to dance like they just don't care requires immense chord
} progression, which yields more than a so called 'bump and grind'
} result.
}
} Of course one must not forget that rhythm is important.  Use rhythm in a
} rhythmatic style whilst increasing the use of progression of your
} organ.
}
} Progression should increase without breaking pace, keeping the organ
} well tuned and chanting 'huhhhhmmm h-h-huhhhhmmm' repeatedly."
}
} Musicly, you need to simply play the Bee Gee's Greatest Hits (available
} from K-Tel for $19.95, operators are standing by) in the background
} wherever you go.
}
} A 'boom-box' will suffice.  Just make sure to play it real loud.
}
} Next, purchace as many polyester suits (white) as you can find
} (available from Suits R Us for $19.95, operators are standing by).
}
} Next:  buy, watch, and memorize the movie Saturday Night Fevor
} (available from the Home Movie Club for $19.95, operators are standing
} by)
}
} For rhythm and physical persuasion, buy all the black velvet paintings
} of The King (Elvis) you can find (available at roadside art galeries for
} $19.95) and watch all the late night Elvis Does Progressive Dances
} movies on your local 'We're a local TV station that aspires to be a
} cable movie channel and shows all the old Elvis movies we can dig up'
} station.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with a Solid Gold Dancer.


268-09    (23533 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. O. Racle,
>    Why does every college student in America  have a Top Ten
> list on the back of their t-shirts?  I think Top Ten lists are
> dumb.  Do Top Ten lists exist because:
> 10) Donald Trump has a patent on Top Ten lists and is planning
> to use the royalties to pay Ivana alimony.
> 9) That curly-haired guy, who is in need of major dental work,
> is using them to subvert the youth of America.  (Sort of a
> present day Socrates)
> 8) George Bush has a patent on Top Ten lists and is using the
> royalties to pay for a war so oil prices stay low.
> 7) It's part of a new, national literacy program.
> 6) Dan Quale has a patent on top ten lists and is using the
> royalties to pay Victor Kiam to be his public relations advisor.
> 5) Creatues from Mars are infiltrating our planet, but would be
> easily recognized because they all have Top Ten list birthmarks
> on their backs.  This is how they go unnoticed.
> 4) My ex-girlfriend has a patent on top ten lists, and she's
> just doing this to get back at me.
> 3) It's all just a BIG junior high art project.
> 2) You have a patent on top ten lists and are putting all the
> royalties in your matress in order to deplete the U.S. currency
> supply enough that we can go back on the gold standard.
> 1)
> See, that's another dumb thing about Top Ten lists.  It's hard
> to come up with ten.
> Please tell me why they're here and how to get rid of them.
> Sincerely,
> Rex R.
>
> P.S. - I almost forgot to flatter you so you'll answer my letter.
> Um ... , hmm ... , oh!  Gee, Mr. O. Racle, you sure do have clean
> fingernails.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would hardly call that flattery.  But being the Oracle, I can
} understand why you would deem it unnecessary to give all-mighty beings
} their proper respect.
} Top Ten reasons why peons ask the Oracle disrespectful questions about
} top ten lists
}
} 10. Staring at monitor for eight straight hours induces 'Morton
} Downey Jr. Syndrome'
} 9. Saddam wouldn't accept his letter, so he sent it to the Oracle
} 8. Ran out of Bazooka Joe comics and had nothing better to do
} 7. Eating twenty twinkies causes them to bang their heads
} against the walls rapidly, which makes a good drum roll for top
} ten lists
} 6. PMS
} 5. Even though Mr. Letterman wouldn't let me stay in his house
} I know he'll still love me if I can make funny top ten lists like him
} 4. Just can't get enough jokes about that wacky Quayle guy
} 3. Penis envy
} 2. Having been shy most of their childhood, they see the
} opportunity to lash out at an authority figure while remaining
} anonymous, but they aren't entirely secure in their reasoning
} so they disguise their attack in the form of humor (either that
} or too much tequila)
}
} And the number one reason why peons ask the Oracle
} disrespectful questions about top ten lists:
} 1. They never read the book on the effects of being struck by
} lightning, so they think it can't hurt them


268-10    (35521 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My, Grandma, what big batch jobs you have.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What did you say, sonny?  Eh?  You'll have to speak up; I'm hard of
} hearing.  Oh, thanks sonny.  Yup, I grew these matching cobs myself.  I
} thought you knew how to talk better'n that, leaving off the 'ing' like
} that.  Huh?  That's not what you said?  Oh, well, the Match Mob hasn't
} been around lately, although they write occasionally...course, I can't
} read em myself, that's what the dog's for.  That's not what you said
} either?  Well, I wish you speak clearly and punctuate for Grandma...this
} younger generation is so rebelluous, I tell you what.  Now, what's your
} question sonny, you know I've not got all day to listen to your
} mumblings...you know old people have to use the restroom alot,
} yessirreee.  Huh?  Well those twig catch blobs, as you call em, were
} known as apples in the olden days.  But, I guess this generation hasta
} think up all sorts of new things to call things.  And well, I guess they
} are pretty big.  You see I don't get out much anymore.  In fact, I've
} got pictures to look at when I want to see out...course I can't make out
} much in them...looks mostly like snow.  The dog says that I've got em
} turned around, but I tell him to shut up; dogs aint supposed to talk
} anyhow.  Huh?  You're leaving already?  Well, it's time to go to the
} bathroom anyhow.  Thanks for stopping by.
}
} Oh, one more thing, sonny.  You owe the Oracle new hearing aid batteries
} and a years supply of dog food.  Old people gotta eat too you know.
} Bye.


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