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Internet Oracularities #269

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Usenet Oracularities #269    (13 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 20 Feb 91 16:42:51 -0500

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269   13 votes 21550 26230 23620 15313 11254 21541 16420 32530 02425 12541
269   3.0 mean  3.0   2.5   2.6   3.0   3.8   3.1   2.5   2.6   3.8   3.2


269-01    (21550 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How big is an "ib cart?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle requests that you expand all abbreviations in your questions.
} The Oracle know what you mean, but mortal readers are momentarily
} confused.  For example...
}
} > define ib
} Accessing Oracular Complete and Unabridged Dictionary and Really Nifty
} Reference Book...
}
} ib  abbrev 1) in bond  2) inbound  3) incendiary bomb  4) intelligence
} branch  5) invoice book  6) ichor blotter 7) iguana burger
} 8) illegitimate brother 9) Iraqi badger 10) internal blister
} 11) interracial buggery
}
} While several of the meanings of "ib" lead to intriguing interpretations
} of your question, the Oracle knows, of course, that you intended meaning
} 7.
}
} The preparation of iguana burgers is a difficult art, requiring a
} complex mixture of herbs, spices, deodorizers, and broad-spectrum
} disinfectants.  However, the process takes very little equipment, and so
} can be performed on a portable, wheeled cart containing grill,
} spice-rack, and iguana cages.  Altogether, these carts measure only 5
} feet 3 inches in length, 4 feet tall, and two-and-a-half feet wide, not
} counting the retractible aluminum-fenced iguana runs.  (Nothing worse
} than a flabby iguana.  Yuk!) With the recent surge in popularity of
} iguanocuisine, iguana burger carts will soon be found on street corners
} across America.


269-02    (26230 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, Asthon wants you to sneak into Aborathea through underground
> passages and rescue his son, does he?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yep, he does. And so, I fear, it will happen. You see, Asthon has some
} very interesting pictures of the Oracle, a goat and a small Arab boy
} which the Oracle does *not* want published. Not that the Usenetters
} would care much (and the a.s.b crowd would probably like it), but the
} wrath of Lisa is not to be taken lightly.
} So you might as well release the boy at once, you don't stand a chance
} against Me anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new identity.


269-03    (23620 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh beloved, tastefully dressed, most wise Oracle,
> Please tell me:
>
> Does this woman you often refer to, this "Lisa" really
> exist?  Your assistant Oracles sometimes refer to her
> also.  Does the same Lisa attend all of them, or is
> each member of the Oracle Priesthood issued his own
> Lisa?  (And if there are women in the Oracle Priesthood,
> are they issued a similar companion?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Yes, Oh Befuddled One, Lisa does indeed exist.  There are few beings
} so gifted with insight as she.  Her words of infinite wisdom and her
} genuine concern for her fellow beings have enriched the lives of all who
} have had the pleasure of conversing with her.  Her advisory capacity to
} the Priesthood has been most valued, indeed.
}   Unfortunately, Lisa has been quite busy lately; she has taken on
} duties outside of the Priesthood of late, and because of this, she is
} not as active within her official duties as she once was.  We regret
} this wholeheartedly, but we understand that one of her most worthy goals
} in life is to gain enough material wealth as possible in order to help
} needy people everywhere, and the mere token offerings we make to her
} cannot even begin to help Lisa to realize her noble philanthropic
} dreams.
}   Hopefully you will understand that this is the main reason that Lisa
} has been so difficult to establish contact with, and again we are very
} sorry.  However, if you should wish to contact her, please write to the
} following address:
}
}   Lisa Simpson
}   c/o Fox Broadcasting Inc.
}   126 Fox Plaza
}   New York, NY 10023
}
}   You owe the Oracle a night in the Springfield Holiday Inn for this
} answer.


269-04    (15313 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > > > > > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > > > > Your question was:
> > > > > > > Oh Oracle most Oracular, please tell me
> > > > > > > Why are your answers frequently so verbose?
> > > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> > > > > > } Not this incarnation's.  Shows a lack of
> > > > > > } skill with humor: the need to do
> > > > > > } a lot to get a very small laugh, like David
> > > > > > } Letterman and his writers.  All
> > > > > > } incarnations should study great humor (Goon
> > > > > > } Show, Monty Python, S. J. Perelman,
> > > > > > } etc.) and learn how to be funny or interesting
> > > > > > } in a small space.
> > > > > Oh yeah. Great job of being funny in a small space.
> > > > > Not. Care to try again?
> > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> > > > } Ok.
> > > > } SPAM!!!!!!!!!
> > > > } you owe the oracle a copy of "Monty Python live
> > > > } at the Hollywood Bowl."
> > > Not making much progress, are you? Once more?
> > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> > } Oh, Piss off!!!
> Oh my. Getting wittier by the minute. Can you be funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, listen and try to get this right,
} I am the Oracle, so mighty and bright.
} People ask me questions, dumb and inane,
} It's a wonder I manage, somehow, to stay sane.
}
} They ask "Why?" and "How?" (the answer is "FOO!"),
} And "If you were me, then what would you do?";
} About Lisa's bra size (it's 39 D)
} And about the exams next week ("Wait and see!")
}
} They ask about Gorby, and Bush and Saddam,
} And sometimes they whine when the answer is "spam".
} In fact, I am witty whenever I may,
} But some people complain whatever I say.
}
} Some answers are witty and some are profound,
} Some answers are silly and others ill-found.
} Sometimes they're verbose, and sometimes they're terse,
} Sometimes (like now) they're written in verse.
}
} You can't make demands, you'll have to accept,
} That *I* write the answers - that is, except
} If you want my job - you're welcome to it,
} I'm getting tired of writing this sh*t.
}
} Here is my terminal, and the manual (read it!).
} Here is a copy of Webster's - you'll need it.
} Here is the queue of questions ingenious,
} I'm off with Lisa - there's a party at Lena's.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything - from now on, you *are* the Oracle.
} Have fun!
}
} [This particular version of the Oracle was incarnated in Lund, Sweden,
}  in the corporeal form of someone who should have known better than
}  spending his time writing doggerel for the Oracle. But what the ***.]


269-05    (11254 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HOW CAN I GET AN A IN THIS CLASS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}          +----------------------------------------------------+
}          |                                                    |
}          |                   T. Oracle, PhD                   |
}          |                                                    |
}          |          Professor of Wisdom and Knowledge         |
}          |                                                    |
}          |                                                    |
}          |    Office Hours:  Whenever truly needed            |
}          |                                                    |
}          |    You don't need to knock, I know you're there    |
}          |                                                    |
}          +----------------------------------------------------+
}
} O:  Hello supplicant, how may I help you?
}
} S:  Prof. Oracle, I really need an A in this class.  I've been working
}     _awfully_ hard this semester, but I fell asleep during the last
}     exam, which is why I only got a 43.
}
} O:  Yes, I know.  I also know that you spent the night before seeing if
}     you could drink enough cans of beer to completely cover your window
}     in the dorm and block out the light from the tennis courts.  If you
}     hadn't had those beer nuts and barfed, you might have made it, too!
}
} S:  I'm glad you understand, Professor.  Is there anything I can do in
}     the meantime for extra credit?
}
} O:  Well, I do have this backlog of questions from oracle.edu to finish,
}     and it's tough to grade exams and be funny at the same time.
}     Grading exams is usually *so* depressing!  Then again, so are
}     reading most of the pitiful questions I've been getting this
}     semester.  What's the matter, did they stop teaching Big Ten
}     students how to party?  Or are you guys still trying to figure out
}     what went wrong with the football team?  Next thing you know, you'll
}     be losing to Northwestern!
}
} S:  Gee, I don't know, Professor.  Isn't it kinda unethical for a
}     _student_ to be answering questions for the Oracle?
}
} O:  (Where's this kid from, Illinois?  Chee, they're getting more naive
}     all the time.)  No it isn't, son.  You see, you're really only doing
}     the background research on the questions.  I'll do the final
}     drafting and make sure that the questions receive the Oracle touch.
}     (Yeah, and Sadaam Hussein was the guest of honor at your beer blast
}     last night!  How does this shmuck think professors get their
}     curriculum vitae so long?)  Now, just sit here at the terminal and
}     answer a few questions while I finish that stack of exams at my
}     desk.  I'll give you ten points makeup credit for every question you
}     answer, and another ten points if any of them make the
}     Oracularities.
}
} # mail -f mbox -noheaders
}
} >  Help!  I've fallen and I can't get up.
}
} r
} Aw shaddup, granny.  I told you a Seniors roller skating party was a
} dumb idea.
} ^d
}
} > Oh Oracle, most wise electronic djinn, where do the soap bubbles go
} > when I take a bubble bath?
}
} r
} You'll find the answer on the evening news.  Film at 11.
} ^d
}
} >  Who is John Galt?
}
} r
} Don't ask me, I'm still waiting for Godot.
} ^d
}
} >  Where's the closest bathroom?
}
} r
} Go up the stairs to the roof and piss off!
} ^d
}
} >  Which is better, the IBM P/C or the Macintosh?
}
} r
} Actually, baked at 450 degrees for an hour, and sauteed with butter,
} both are excellent!  I'd recommend a Rhone wine with the IBM P/C, but
} for the Macintosh you really need a more robust wine like a Cabernet
} Sauvignon.  Serve some Sparc chips as an appetizer, and for dessert,
} Apple ][ pie, of course.
} ^d
}
}
} S:  Professor, I've answered five questions, so is my grade a 93?
}
} O:  Sure, son, and thanks a lot.  Oh, and by the way, its a lot easier
}     to read the textbook after you unwrap it.  See you in three weeks
}     after the next exam, I suppose.
}
}
} &^%$#@ undergraduates.  Why couldn't the Dean let me teach only graduate
} seminars this semester.  They write much better answers.


269-06    (21541 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that "credits on the right and debits on the left"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A dang good question (although severely lacking in honorifics).  The
} reason is, of course, historical.  It started back in the Good Old
} Days, during a time when slaves were the common tokens of commerce.
} The problem was that negative numbers had not yet been invented, and
} yet there needed to be a way of representing debt.
}
} An arguably brilliant accountant of that era decided that rather than
} removing debits from an account, one should add an item of equal *but
} opposite* worth.  Thus, for example, if you bought a barrel of wine
} but could not pay for it in good slaves, the seller could give you a
} selection of his poor slaves who would, in the course of their work,
} break dishes, burn dinner, and so on; thus, the seller's assets had
} effectively increased while yours had decreased.  Those who had more
} poor slaves then good were usually in a bad mood, and would sometimes
} beat the slaves until bleeding, leading to the phrase "being in the
} red" (while the ingenuity demonstrated by the accountants might lead
} one to believe that this time was civilized, it was, in fact, not).
}
} While this method avoided negative numbers, it still had drawbacks;
} one problem was how to determine the relative assets of seller and
} buyer.  A convention emerged wherein the seller and buyer would face
} one another, each with their good slaves on their right and, as you
} guessed, their poor slaves on their left; then a simple pairing off
} could be used to determine who had more of what.  It is easy to see
} how this lead to the rule in modern accounting.
}
} You owe the Oracle tuition for an accounting class in night school.


269-07    (16420 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who can see through the thickest pile of BS ever written
> in a term paper,please help me
>
> The last few days,I have noticed a strange phenomenon.  Whenever I
> download load things from my account to my home computer, I have
> discovered that I can raise my modem's Maximum BAUD rate from 2400 to
> 13000 just by laying my hands on the modem and the monitor.  Also,this
> seems to cut down the number of errors while downloading to a piddling
> sum,whereas if I don't concentrate, I get error after error.  How is it
> that I can affect the workings of my computer system so?  I know it's
> not coincidence because I've tried experiments for the last month or so
> and it allways happens.  Can you help me understand this mystery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Too simple, Oh Esteemed Questioner!  You have been granted
} mysterious powers by The Computer Ghods that allow you to exceed the
} realms of hardware sensibility.  This is due to invisible "magic" rays
} that emanate from your fingers and toes.  I don't want you to get
} nervous or anything; just realize that you have powers far beyond those
} of mortal users.  I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't think you
} could handle it.
}       Oh yes, and when you go to sleep, every computer in the world
} stops until you wake up.  At your service, as always...


269-08    (32530 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, winner of a thousand Grammys, why is dorm food so much
> like toxic waste?  And does this explain the appearances of most
> cafeteria workers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is, indeed, a relationship between the noxious nature of dorm
} food and the appearance of those who work in close proximity to it.
} While We hope not to offend or discourage those hardy souls brave
} enough to undertake(!) employment in dorm cafeterias, We feel the
} ugly truth must be told.
}
} You will notice that these people tend toward worse physical woes as
} time passes....this is consistent with the strains brought about by
} constant harassment from unruly, slovenly ingrates constantly
} nagging, whining, and just plain old bitching about the food which
} dorm cafeteria employees work so long and hard to produce.  And tell
} the truth, would you want to have to clean up after 350 of you day
} after day?  The Oracle knows you wouldn't.
}
} Time passes, a dorm employee's body withers, and ultimately dies.
} This is natural.  However, the source of those occasional *really
} awful* meat-something-in-gravy-paste entrees is.....well, some would
} call it unnatural.
}
} Think about it.
}
} Now that you know the ultimate relationship between dorm food and
} its purveyors, you owe the Oracle a better taste in its mouth.


269-09    (02425 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't listen to my advice and got too close to the black hole,
} didn't you?  I told you, not even <carriage-return> can escape the
} deadly grip of the hole's gravity once you cross the event horizon.  The
} answer to your question is:  "No, you can't make it back in time for
} Twin Peaks.  You're stuck in limbo for good."
}
} You owe the Oracle a tachyon custard pie.


269-10    (12541 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Famed Oracle of a Thousand Truths,
>
> Do six pairs of socks make a dozen?
>
> Your Humble Student,
> Drew Olbrich

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is actually a reasonable one,
} Though it might seem a bit superfluous.
} For when Lisa was doing Our laundry of late,
} She returned with a basket of no less than eight
} Unpaired socks, leaving them incongruous.
}
} If I am allowed to read between the lines
} Of the plaintive request you've orated,
} I can see that you've got a whole bushel of hose,
} No two of which match, even discounting those
} Which have been, through much time, perforated.
}
} The Oracle suffered for many eons
} 'Til encountering one H. D. Thoreau.
} His answer led Me out of hosiery crisis.
} He said, I recall, "Beware of enterprises
} which require one to purchase new clothes."
}
} As Time wore on, new answers appeared
} that relaxed My concerns about fashion.
} One Friday, when Lisa returned from her coven,
} I asked Her "Do six pairs of socks make a dozen?"
} She attacked me with terrible passion.
}
} She stripped off My clothes, and She reached for the oil,
} ...Please forgive My orgasmic remembrance.
} For We're one dozen shy of a six-socks-pair load,
} And the true answer looms like a promising toad
} To be kissed in the very next sentence.
}
} The answer, oh mortal, is "who gives a damn?"
} My sweet Muse must be used only nobly.
} These dangerous sock-questions threaten to spoil Her
} So you owe the Oracle myrrh for to oil Her;
} (marked, please, "for external use only")
}
} [transcribed for Earthlings by the oracle's servant
}  John Sahr             johns@magneto.ee.cornell.edu]


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